A Summer To Remember (Seasons of Love & Lust Book 1) (8 page)

“Why don’t you come over here and tell me this story?” He patted the bed beside him.

I walked over slowly, my mind so focused on the past I felt like I was in a dream sequence of my own making. When I sat beside him again, I looked toward him, not yet looking into his crystal blue eyes.

I sighed heavily. “Where do I start?”

“Why don’t you tell me what happened…from the beginning?”

I inhaled a deep breath and exhaled as slowly as possible.

Chapter Eight

I started at the beginning, and felt a little bit like Dolores Claiborne from the famous novel by Stephen King. There was a lot of talk of romance and how Kevin and I started out as a dream come true. How he would drive down from Yale in New Haven to see me every weekend. We were in love—at least I thought we were—and he was such a gentleman.

My parents loved him and thought he was the best invention since sliced bread. He came from a solid family and we were each mad about the other. It didn’t matter if we attended schools that were almost eighty miles apart. We could make it work because it was only for four years.

“It was near the end of the final semester and we were all graduating in about seven weeks. I hadn’t been feeling well and Talia finally convinced me to visit the clinic on campus.” I stopped there and breathed deeply. “The nurse ran some tests and discovered I was almost nine weeks pregnant. I should have known since I hadn’t had a period in ages, but I just chalked it up to graduation nerves and finals coming up. I was on the pill so I didn’t understand how this could have happened.”

Paul slid an arm around my shoulder and squeezed me closer to him. “Let me guess. When Kevin found out he went batshit.”

I nodded silently. “He acted like a crazy person and accused me of trying to trap him into a marriage he didn’t want. He wanted to play the field. He wanted to live it up in New York and he certainly wasn’t ready for a shotgun wedding or a baby he didn’t need in his life because they both would be an imposition.”

“He made you get an abortion?”

“It was the only way,” I whispered. “I would have rather given the child up for adoption because there are plenty of childless families out there looking for babies, but he wouldn’t hear of it. I had to have an abortion and that was final.”

“But you couldn’t do it through your parents’ health plan because then they would have known…”

“Exactly. So he gathered up the cash and sent me to one of those public clinics where the Pro-Lifers always boycott. I have never been so humiliated in my life, and the only support I had was Talia. She was my rock. Without her, I could have never gone through with it.

“I got the abortion and everything seemed fine until one night I started to hemorrhage. By this time, I’d been spotting for over two weeks and the doctor and nurses at the clinic assured me this was normal and said I’d be fine. I couldn’t go to the hospital because then they would have asked me about the abortion, so I just dealt with all the pain and the discomfort.

“The night I started bleeding profusely, Talia called the paramedics and I was rushed to the hospital. Apparently, I wasn’t in good shape because they immediately prepped me for surgery and…it turned out a mistake was made during the initial termination procedure. I had to have an emergency surgery to correct what the abortion doctor botched. They were able to save one of my ovaries, though the chances of me having children naturally are slim to none.”

Paul kissed my forehead. “Surely you saw specialists once you graduated university and settled here?”

“Every expensive and overpriced one on the West Side. Hell, I even consulted some acupuncturist who specializes in women who have a hard time getting pregnant. He said the chances are small, but I might have a baby of my own. All the others said flat out to start freezing my eggs and when my future husband I were ready, they knew some great surrogates who had worked for patients of theirs in the past with a great success rate.”

“Please don’t tell me you froze any eggs?”

I wiped a stray tear from my left eye and looked at him. “Are you mad? I couldn’t do that. I decided to take my chances and life would decide on its own. I know it’s a stupid way to think, but to be honest, marriage no longer was a high priority. I knew my parents would start to bother me after a while so I began to date a lot but it always led to sex and that was my way of pushing men away. I didn’t want a man to care about me and then have to tell him the heartbreaking truth. I’m a shell, and that is
all
I am.”

“That isn’t true, Jer—”

“I’m not
normal
anymore, Paul!” I stood and turned to face him. “If I find some great guy then I have to go through my humiliating past and I don’t want to have to do that. I guess I could lie, and eventually maybe he would get the hint and suggest surrogacy, but I don’t want another woman having my biological children, Paul.

“If the situation comes down to that I would rather adopt and I can do that on my own. I would be another Charlize Theron, Sandra Bullock, or Michelle Pfeiffer. There are plenty of neglected children right here in the good ole U.S. of A. and they are just begging for a good home. When the time comes, I’ll want a child and I don’t care what color he or she is…I will just want to protect them and love them and I
won’t
do a wait list.

“Most men aren’t that open minded. They would want to do surrogacy so we could have a child of our own and I have faced the possibility I might be on my own for the rest of my life. That’s okay with me. I know you think I am just talking crap but I have been through a lot and I’m not willing to compromise for anyone. Not even for you.”

Paul stood and placed his arms around my waist. Now he had the height advantage and he looked down at me. “Who said anything about compromising, Jerrica? I love you for you and yes, children are great, but they don’t have to be biologically ours to be ours. If you want a Rainbow Coalition of children then fine, I’ll turn into Brad Pitt and we can adopt a child from here and one from Mexico and one from Cambodia. It doesn’t matter to me because I want you.”

I began to sob and before I could stop myself, his shirt was drenched in my tears. “That is so sweet of you. You know how much I care about you, Paul, but what do you plan to do about Ashley?”

He kissed my cheek this time. “I know you care about me, Jerri, and that’s sweet, really. But do you love me?”

That wasn’t a hard question to answer. Of course I loved him. We’d been family friends for years and he was my brother’s best friend, so how could emotions not grow over time? However, I knew exactly what he meant. He wanted proof I loved him in more than just a “friendly family” way and that was true too. I couldn’t deny it.

I was tired of lying to everyone and I was sick of deceiving myself. I wanted Paul so much, my heart ached. Yes, I did love him as more than just a friend. I loved him the way two people meet and develop feelings over time and fell in love. This would be the hardest decision I would probably ever have to make but I couldn’t
not
say what needed to be said.

“I understand if you don’t, and your silence speaks volumes. Perhaps I have misjudged you all this time and you were just looking for yet another warm body for the night.”

“Don’t say that, Paul. I love you…I always have. I have been in love with you for a long time, even while I was dating Kevin at Vassar. I knew he wasn’t the one for me but I also knew what Jude would do to the both of us if we admitted our feelings for one another. I buried mine so deep I didn’t think I would ever find them. They came out in Southampton, and every time I see you with Ashley. I don’t want you to be with her but at the same time, is it really my place to make you choose?”

“It’s not about what’s fair or right, Jerrica, it’s about feeling and emotions, neither of which we can control at this time in our lives. I love you so much, it hurts sometimes and I am willing to deal with Jude, but I have to know you’ll back me one hundred percent.”

I kissed his lips. “You know I will.”

Chapter Nine

July

New York City & Martha’s Vineyard

“I spoke to Autumn and Savannah today and we all want to go to Martha’s Vineyard this weekend. We don’t have to rent a place because it is all taken care of and I heard where we’re staying is the bomb. Do you feel like tagging along?”

I pretended to be busy with invoices but all this crap went to Alastor so I logged out of the spreadsheet and decided to check my Facebook account instead.

“Sure, that sounds like a plan. When do we leave?”

“This Wednesday,” Talia said excitedly, sipping from her tall Frappuccino. “We were planning to make a proper trip of it since Independence Day is on Thursday. We would come back home on Sunday so it would be a nice, long relaxing weekend.”

“Just us girls?”

“‘Course not. How much fun would that be? Jude, Paul, and a couple of their friends from CDG Investments were going to come so we could make it an exciting weekend. We’re staying at the vacation estate that belongs to his friend’s family. You don’t have a problem with that, do you?”

“No, not at all,” I lied, checking my Facebook timeline.

Since my heart-to-heart with Paul, he’d let Ashley down gently but that didn’t necessarily mean she was out of our lives. Imogen and Jude never hooked up, and since he thought what Paul had done was downright mean, he’d taken up the cause of making sure Ashley was all right. They had become very close over the last couple of weeks and I suspected they were sleeping together.

On the other hand, Paul was giving me nothing but time to heal from what had happened to me at Vassar. I hadn’t slept with anyone since Brandon and I missed the feel of a warm male body on top of mine. I wanted Paul and I to take the next step and consummate our relationship but he was determined to take it slow. He didn’t want me to rush into anything. At the same time, it wasn’t like we were strangers. We’d known each other most of our lives so why couldn’t we just take the plunge and start a sexual relationship?

Well, for one reason, no one knew about us. I hadn’t even told Talia what was going on because she’d had work problems and hated working with Scarlet Fever. Their new album was finished but Kasper and Jaden had insisted they start writing songs for the sixth album they planned to record. It was a pain the ass for her and all she did was complain so I didn’t want to make her feel bad with my good news.

Plus, she’d recently discovered the only man she’d ever loved was going out with Fresca Kerrigan. She was an up and coming actress who’d recently celebrated her twenty-first birthday in Vegas by getting drunk and thrown out of Chateau, an exclusive club at Paris Las Vegas Hotel & Casino. It didn’t exactly sit well with Talia when Seth Delvecchio breezed into the studio to cut a track for Scarlet Fever and his new extension-wearing, bleached blonde, size-two Miss Thang was in tow.

Talia was hurt beyond belief but she wouldn’t share her pain with me, and to talk about how in love I was with Paul just didn’t seem right or fair. It wasn’t what best friends did. I doubted she would see it that way once she found out, but right at that moment, my lips were sealed.

“It sounds great. I am really excited,” I said, smiling in return.

“Cool. I’ll see you at the loft tonight and we can talk about the details then.”

I nodded. “Sounds like a plan.”

Talia opened my door and almost walked directly into Paul. “Jeez, where did you come from? Shouldn’t you be at work or something?”

“I stopped by to see Jerrica real quick.”

“Hmm, you dump Ashley and all of a sudden you and Jerri are spending a lot of time together. One wouldn’t have anything to do with the other, would it?”

I winced. Talia had never been slow on the uptake and she could read us both like open books. Paul laughed it off and grabbed her by the waist.

“Did it ever occur to you that Jerri and I are good friends? Besides, I didn’t ‘dump’ Ashley. Our parting was mutual, if you must know. She is looking for a husband and marriage. I’m not ready for that yet, and certainly not with a woman I have known less than six months. I’m a player, you know that, Talia.”

“Humph, in your dreams, maybe.” She kissed his cheek and walked out of the door, closing it behind her.

“That was a close call,” I whispered.

If it had been anyone else, I would have spoken in a normal, conversational voice but Talia had great hearing and God knows I didn’t want her to be able to listen to any part of my conversation with Paul.

“Not really. Why can’t I come by to see you and make sure you’re doing okay?”

Paul walked toward me. His toned body was hidden beneath an Armani suit which fit him perfectly, and my eyes glazed over with lust. The moment he was close enough for me to reach, I grabbed him and held on to his waist, looking up at him.

“You need to stop teasing me and just make love to me already. I don’t know how much more of this insane torture I can take. I dream about your body and your face and you. If we were just getting to know each other, I would easily call this a case of insta-love but Paul, we have known each other most of our lives. What are we waiting for exactly?”

He leaned down and kissed my lips and I melted in his arms like warm milk chocolate. “I want to know that when we take that step, you’re emotionally ready to handle it, Jerrica. If we get in a fight, you can’t just throw me outta bed and tell me to get lost with a Post-It note.”

“I would never do that to you. I am aware everything isn’t going to be cotton candy and roses, but do you honestly believe I can be in your presence for four and a half days while we are at Martha’s Vineyard and not want to jump your bones? I don’t have that kind of willpower, baby.”

“I know.” He smiled. “Which is why at Martha’s Vineyard, we’ll tell everyone about us and come out as an official couple. I have been best friends with Jude for so long I don’t know what he will do when he finds out that I am with his sister. I think he could handle your one night stands because he never has to face those men again. But it would hurt my soul if he cut me out.”

“I can assure you Jude would never do that to you. He treats you like a brother and you have been his rock and the one person he can tell anything to. He might be pissed at first but he’ll get over it. I am not ashamed of being in love with you.”

Paul pulled me into his arms as his warm hands caressed the small of my back. “You make that sound too sexy and erotic. Stop talking dirty to me or you will make me leave your place of business with an erection too big to conceal.”

“Oh, really?” I kissed him then and although it started off feathery soft, the moment my mouth opened wider and his tongue sought entry, it grew with a fierce intensity. One hand clasped the back of my neck as the other snaked between my legs and slid my lace thong to the side.

His probing fingers rubbed the top of my clit which was hard as rock and my hips bucked involuntarily toward the movement. Two fingers slid into my moist passage and caressed me deeply, locating my G-spot, and I moaned into his mouth.

My hips continued to gyrate as he teased me, pushing his fingers in and out of me as our kiss grew deeper and more passionate. He then slipped them out and caressed my clit with my own juices. I was on the verge of a monster orgasm when he withdrew his fingers and slid my thong back in place.

Paul popped those two fingers dripping with my juices into his mouth as soon as we separated and suckled on them.

“Mmm, as sinful and decadent as I imagined. Now I can smell you and taste you all day,” he whispered seductively in my ear.

“A few more strokes and you would have brought me home,” I whined. “You’re absolutely evil, Paul.”

“I’ll make it up to you in a couple of days when we get to Martha’s Vineyard.” When he kissed me again I could taste myself on him. It was such a turn on, my thong soaked immediately with my juices. “I’ll see you soon. In the meantime, I have to get back to work.”

I smiled at him as we separated and I was left watching him walk out while my dewy sex throbbed with unfulfilled desire. I walked to my own personal bathroom, washed up, and put on a fresh thong. My new boyfriend thought he was slick but he would definitely pay for what he did to me.

***

I wasn’t really a woman into self-pleasure but I used my Rabbit vibrator that night and released all the pent up tension. I felt good afterwards, yet completely and wholly unsatisfied. The Rabbit wasn’t Paul and nothing would sate me except his touch and caress again.

After my heartbeat had slowed down and I had time to think, I wondered what our friends would say about us being together. Mostly I worried about what Jude would have to say about the situation, because Paul was his best friend and if he ever thought I was using him to get over Kevin, he would never forgive me.

The irony of the situation was it was the exact opposite: I had used Kevin to try to get over my love and attraction for Paul because it felt so deliciously forbidden. Personally, I suspected Jude was more concerned about Paul getting hurt than he was for me. That was my mistake though, because if I’d told him about what happened at Vassar, he wouldn’t feel that way and something inside me knew he would have to find out the truth sooner or later.

I tried to sleep but it was a reluctant entity that avoided me like the plague. I finally got out of bed and walked into the kitchen where I grabbed a glass and poured myself a shot of Macallan. I knew the scotch would make me tired enough to be able to sleep and though I didn’t resort to alcohol often, sometimes it was the perfect elixir.

“What are you doing up?”

I turned to see Jude walking into the kitchen. He took my glass and poured himself a double shot of Macallan.

“I couldn’t sleep and I was hoping a little liquid fire would help would the situation,” I replied. “I have to tell you something and I don’t want you to be angry with me.”

“Save your excuses, Jerrica. I already know. I’d have to be blinder than Ray Charles not to see what the hell is going on between you and Paul. He’s always visiting your gallery and he’s been quite happy for the past few weeks. I suppose that is your doing, but is this real or just some kind of short lived love affair?”

I was taken aback by his attitude. “We haven’t had sex yet, so no, this isn’t some kind of short lived love affair. He wants to take it slow and I agree with his decision.”

“Why if it’s just you two getting together because you’re lonely?” he questioned coolly. “That makes absolutely no sense if you ask me.”

I stared into Jude’s eyes. “I am in love with Paul and he feels the same about me. This isn’t just some affair. We want to be together and this has a good chance of leading to marriage and happiness for both of us. This isn’t some kind of game I am playing with him.”

“So he told you about what happened to Kevin and how much trouble he is for insider trading and you feel nothing about that?”

“Not really. I hope he goes to prison for what he’s done…he’s inflicted worse on me and I don’t have any loyalty to him. I didn’t attack that chick in Southampton because I wanted Kevin back. It happened because I couldn’t believe he was there with someone else acting as if he hadn’t done anything to me and our breakup was normal…when it wasn’t.”

Jude sighed in exasperation. “And what could have possibly happened between you two that would cause your breakup to be less than normal…whatever a
normal
breakup is considered to be.”

I clutched the kitchen counter and found myself not being able to look at my brother. “He made me get an abortion, Jude. It didn’t end well and I started to hemorrhage a couple of weeks later. I had to go to the hospital and I had emergency surgery. The chances of me giving birth to a child naturally are slim to none without the help of a surrogate because of it. Then he dumped me and said everything that happened was my fault because I was too cheap to go to a good doctor to get the abortion.”

Jude’s demeanor changed and he punched a hole in the drywall next to one of the cabinets. “That motherfucker!” he seethed. “Why didn’t you say anything? And who knows about this?”

“Just Talia…and now Paul because he forced me to tell him what happened even though I didn’t want to. I didn’t tell anyone because I was ashamed I went through with the abortion in the first place. I wanted to give the baby up for adoption, or…keep it. I know Mom and Dad would have been disappointed in me initially but they would have loved their grandchild.

“I let that son of a bitch talk me into doing something I knew was wrong and the aftermath was all on me. I didn’t have to do it but I thought it was the only way I could keep him. I needed to keep him because he kept me away from Paul. I have loved him for years and I thought if I stayed with Kevin, eventually I would forget about my feelings for him. That never happened. And look what I sacrificed in the end.”

I breathed deeply because Jude was beyond livid. He was so angry he didn’t know what to do and that was never a good situation for him to be in. He needed to be in control of a situation and his emotions at all times. It was just his genetic wiring and I’d accepted this a long time ago.