Authors: Jacquelyn Mitchard

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A Theory of Relativity (52 page)

BOOK: A Theory of Relativity

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Now, I’m back.

This next part is the exciting part. Alex was in transition. My dad was
stuck up in the air. Then he went to Chicago. Okay, Alex was telling him on
the phone, should I hold my legs together or something? It was snowing. I
knew I would not even be able to go to school on Wednesday because we
would probably get a snow day, which we have not even had one yet. It is
global warming.

I forgot one part. Somebody, I will not reveal who, but it is Sarah Tanaka,
told that we were selling looks at Hugh’s weenie. I’m back in Miss Tyson’s
office. She says it is inappropriate. She says it is sex. I say, no, it is not sex, it
is biology. I say, my dad is a biology professor, almost. She says, I know all
about your dad.

Uncle Craig comes to school. I can tell he puts all the blame on me. He
thinks Hugh is perfect because his mom died.

They got married when I caught them. My dad and Alex. I knew she was
going to come over.

I threw up at Zoe Palisio’s house and I wanted to GO HOME. Zoe’s dad
drove me home, and he had a new car. He gave me a towel to put my face in
and he drove fast, and he said, run in, when we got to my house. Grandpa M.

says dad is the nutty professor. He doesn’t lock the door. So I did. Okay! There
they were, no shirts. They didn’t freak out. My dad said, are you sick, Kee?

And I said, I’m sicker than a dog, Daddy. After I was in first grade, I said, are
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you my daddy? And he said, yepadep, no daddy except this daddy. So, I
started calling him Daddy. I used to call him Dory. It was my baby name for
him. We still don’t have the same last name, but lots of kids don’t. So, they
were laying in the bed, my dad said, okay, Missy, get out of here. And I went
out in the hall. He said, I love Alex. I’m like, duh.

She was dating a professional baseball player. Okay. They had to break
up. A Madison Mudhen. That is almost a professional. They get paid. When
my dad had to come to school like the hundredth time, he said, oh, what is his
name? Alex said, Bob. They’re all Bob. My dad says, oh yeah? She had to
break up with the baseball guy, but she still plays baseball. The first time she
came over to dinner, my dad had been at his softball game and he smelled,
and Alex said, go take a shower. Dad said, I play hard. Slow pitch? Alex
asked him. He said, yeah, do you ever play? Fast pitch, she said. My dad
said, yeah?

My uncle Mike says my dad is robbing the cradle, but they are really only
ten years apart. My dad just looks really old because of his glasses.

Let’s get back to the baby. The doctor looks at me, and he says, who is this
child? Alex says, she is my kid, Keefer Kathryn Nye. The doctor says, okay.

He says Miss McKenna, don’t try to push until I tell you. I say, she’s a Mrs.

McKenna. Alex says, don’t be scared, Keefer, because if I scream, it’s okay.

Well, she SCREAMED! I ran out in the hall. Then, I had to get sterilized
again. I thought I would puke. Then I thought I would faint. I washed my face
in the bathroom. The nurse, Jennifer, said, do you want to go back in?

K. K. N: Yes. Is the baby here yet?

JENNIFER: Pretty soon now.

ALEX: Christ, to hell, I’m dying. Damn!

We go back in. The doctor says, I see hair. I see pretty red hair. Push, Mrs.

McKenna. Push. Push. Alex’s face is totally purple. There’s guts all over the
place. Push, push. I think they are going to pop Alex’s head off, but she says,
between screaming, Don’t be scared, Keefer. Don’t be scared.

Wait a minute!

There’s the baby!

She pops out like boom! She’s very strong.

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JACQUELYN MITCHARD

She’s not that gross. The slime is natural. She’s so big. She’s like a big
baby like Zoe’s baby brother, only she’s just a little born baby. The nurse Jennifer says, Big sister! Can you hold the baby? Oh, they let me hold the baby,
my sister baby. I did not care about the blood. I kissed her right on the mouth.

She sneezed! I was so sick of being a bachelor. Alex is all sweaty, but they
wash her up. I let them have the baby so they can wash her up. We call
grandma M. and she says, I can’t stand this! There’s like three hundred inches
of snow outside this house. In Tall Trees. I come from up north. I asked Alex if
we could call Lindsay and Tim and my grandma Nye and her dad in North
Carolina. All we got to call was her dad. Then she says, I’m going to sleep,
how about you? I couldn’t sleep. I was so excited. Alex says, Honey, find
something to read. Don’t turn on the TV. I just watch the lights. The lights are
smooshed
under the snow. No cars. Well, one car. Just the pizza car.

I was not sad. I was glad the baby had a mom of her own. I wanted my
dad. I started thinking he might have a plane crash. It was a little creepy. I
took some change out of Alex’s purse and went to the vending machines. They
had Pringles in little small cans. I like sour cream best.

I went back.

Alex wakes up to feed the baby from her boobs, sick. The baby already
knows how to eat. She’s very smart. Alex says, shnikeys, I’m a mother, what
do you think of that? Then she says, Kee, I’m your mother, too. I said, step-mother. She said, no, I’m your mother because I take you as my child, like in
the wedding. You don’t have another mother so I don’t have to share you. I
said, well, you could adopt me, too. She said, can I sleep overnight first? She
shut her eyes and told me she did not have a mother either. I told her to just
use my grandma, because my grandma doesn’t have a daughter. Get up here
in bed with us, she says, go to sleep. We all fit.

My dad woke me up. I was dreaming about this swimming pool in the
jungle where all the mermaid babies played.

I said, did we get a snow day? He says, yeah! We are going to name the
baby right now. I’ll have to get back to you in a minute.

They had sort of a fight about it. My dad liked Georgia or Elizabeth.

Who is Elizabeth? says Alex.

Then she said, No, she is Dory. Dory Delia McKenna. She said remember?

He didn’t remember. Then she says, about once there was a little girl who could
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not say her father’s name. She thinks I don’t remember what this means. But I
do. They told me this story like one hundred times, about Georgia.

It is a kind of okay name though.

D. D. M.

and K. K. N.

My dad cries his head off. He is such a goofer. Why cry? Dory weighs
nine pounds. My dad says, I have too many girls to love in my house. Ridiculous. I need a boy now, Dad says. Get over yourself, Alex says.

My dad says he is taking me home. Aunt Nora is already here. I said,
what, has she got a one-horse open sleigh? But my dad says Aunt Nora could
drive a dog team. I don’t want to leave. Actually, I am pretty mad. After this
whole medical emergency, okay! Good-bye, Keefer! But he sort of squeezes
my arm hard. I yelled, ouch. The nurse Jennifer comes back in. Are we okay
in here? It serves him right. She gave me this “I’m the Big Sister” T-shirt. It’s
okay looking. It’s a little small. Most of the big sisters are babies. Alex says it’s
a crop top. The nurse says, she is the prettiest baby in the whole place. You
are all redheads. I’m not a redhead except in summer. My dad says you both
have to have the gene. Alex says, no, you don’t. My dad says, yes, sweetheart,
you do. That’s my dad! Mr. Bossy!

We had to get going. The nurse Jennifer brings in our baby, all cleaned
up. We had a bath, she says. Dad says, hurry up, Keefer, you are always the
last one out. I say, I just want to see something once. Alex puts the baby down
in the baby holder. She is sleeping. But she’s smiling in her sleep. Her mouth
goes up and down, up and down. She’s thinks she’s eating her dinner.

Dad says, don’t wake her up, but I kiss her anyhow. I say, Kiss me so you
don’t miss me. Dad just stands there in the door. He turns around and looks
out in the hall. Then he comes over and just picks me up and puts my head
under his coat. He carries me all the way to the car, which he will never do,
even when I was little and totally had cramps in my legs at the mall.

This is five pages, at least, both sides.

The End

May 24, 2000

Oregon, Wisconsin

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jacquelyn Mitchard is the critically acclaimed
New York Times
best-selling author of
The Deep End of the Ocean
and
The Most Wanted
. She is also the author of
The Rest of Us: Dispatches From the Mother Ship
, a collection of her long-running syndicated column. She lives outside of Madison, Wisconsin with her husband and five children Theory[222-351] 6/5/01 12:12 PM Page 353

CREDITS

Jacket design by Roberto De Vicq

Jacket Photo by Liz & Heff Hoene/Stone Text design by Barbara Dupree Knowles/BDK Books Theory[222-351] 6/5/01 12:12 PM Page 354

ABOUT THE PUBLISHER

Australia

HarperCollins Publishers (Australia) Pty. Ltd.

25 Ryde Road (PO Box 321)

Pymble, NSW 2073, Australia

http://www.harpercollins.com.au

Canada

HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.

55 Avenue Road, Suite 2900