Aliens for Dinner (3 page)

When he finished, he dropped his spoon and empty cup on the ground and headed back to the cart.

Richard’s stomach knotted up. He felt dizzy Maybe it was the smell of the Sludgies. Maybe it was the sight of his best friend acting like a total gross pig. Either way, it was too much for him.

“Henry!” said Richard. “Aren’t you at least going to throw the cup in the trash?” Richard couldn’t believe he was saying this. Henry was always the one who was telling Richard to eat right and clean up after himself.

Henry looked at him without saying anything. His face, usually so friendly, looked dull and suspicious.

“I mean, we should clean up after ourselves, right?” Richard added weakly.

“Duh. What for?” sneered Henry. Richard took a step backward. For once, he couldn’t think of a single thing to say.

Art was the last class of the day. Usually it was Richard’s favorite. He always had a good time drawing spaceships and creatures from other galaxies. But not today. Today he caught himself sketching a flabby guy wearing a funny hat.
What am I doing?
he thought.
I hate the Dwilbs!
He threw down his pencil.

Just then the public address system came on with a loud screech. There was a violent thump against Richard’s chest.
“What was that?” boomed Aric. He was in Richard’s shirt pocket.

“Probably Principal Felshin.” Richard sent the thought to Aric. “He likes to make announcements.”

“Goo-oood … afternoo-ooon, girls and boys.” The principal’s voice was unhurried and dull, and he always took a really long time between words. Richard thought he sounded as if he was talking in slow motion.

“There are … a few important points … I would like to review with you this afternoon,” said the principal. “The first … has to do with the use of the halls … as a meeting place. The halls, as you know, … are passageways designed for travel from one classroom to another. They are not … clubhouses … and they are not … living rooms. They are … conduits. And I hope you will look that word up.

“At any rate … to get back to my original point, I would like to … discourage any and all students … from passing time in the … hallways when they should be spending it to better effect. That is … moving briskly along
to their next class, asking … pertinent questions of their devoted teachers, or, most important of all, … studying.

“My next point … is about the copy machine. As you know, a paper clip … left in the copier can do it … serious harm. It can jam the machine, thus … incapacitating it. I hope you will look that word up. This, in turn … can affect the workings of the en tire … school. For what is a school without … a copy machine?

“I will answer that. It is a ship without … a sail. A car without … an engine. A refrigerator without … an ice-cube maker …”

Principal Felshin droned on and on. Richard, like most of the other kids in his class, didn’t pay him any attention. Principal Felshin made two or three announcements a day, and they were all incredibly long and incredibly boring. Richard sometimes thought the principal should have a radio show late at night for people with insomnia. He could put anyone to sleep. The kids all called him The Sandman.

Richard felt his eyelids getting heavy.
He looked around the art room. A few kids were yawning. And Felshin had been talking for only two minutes!

Aric stirred in Richard’s pocket again. “There is something about the way this man speaks …” he said. Principal Felshin’s droning voice finally stopped and the PA system shut off with a loud buzz.

“You mean Felshin?” asked Richard. “What about him? He’s totally boring.”

“By the Great Gazook!” boomed Aric. “Boring! That’s it!”

“What’s it?” asked Richard. “What do
you mean?”

Just then the bell rang. School was over for the day. Suddenly the art room was wide awake again. Richard grabbed his pack, jumped out of his seat, and joined the crowd that was rushing out of the building.

“What’s going on?” he said to Aric as soon as they were off the school grounds. “The suspense is killing me.” He pulled Aric out of his pocket.

“I have just remembered something about the Dwilbs. Something crucial!” declared Aric.

“What is it?”

“There is a disease they catch very easily.”

“A disease? What kind of disease?” asked Richard.

“It is called boredomitis,” said Aric. “And it is fatal.”

“I’m not sure I understand,” said Richard. “You mean if they get bored they get sick and die?”

“In a nutshell, yes,” said Aric. “They have very short attention spans. So they get
bored very easily And as soon as they do, they get boredomitis. But they don’t die right away,” added Aric. “The disease has four distinct stages.”

“What are they?” asked Richard.

“Bored silly. Bored to tears. Bored stiff. And bored to death,” said Aric.

“Really?” said Richard. He found himself grinning at the little alien. Suddenly he felt hopeful again. It was a great feeling.

“Really,” said Aric. He grinned back.

“Then all we’ve got to do is bore them to death!” said Richard. “Right?”

“No!” said Aric. “We must bore them stiff. Then we can ship them back to Dwilb. Once they recover they will tell everyone on Dwilb how boring Earth is. No Dwilb will ever want to come here again.”

Richard imitated the Dwilbs. “Too boring! Too boring!” he squawked.

“If I may say so,” said Aric, “it is the perfect solution.”

“Except for one thing,” said Richard. “How are we going to do it?”

At seven o’clock that evening, Richard heard his mother calling him down to dinner. “Coming, Mom,” he called back, putting Aric in his pocket. He charged down to the dining room. There, to his surprise, was Bob. He was setting the table. Richard’s good mood whooshed away like air out of a balloon.

“Hi, Richard. Good to see you! Good to see you!” said Bob.

Richard felt a twinge of fear.
Sorry I can’t say the same, Mr. Alien Head
, he thought. He tried to smile politely. It came out like the
face you make when you accidentally sit on something wet.

Bob just smiled back. His smile widened when Mrs. Bickerstaff came in carrying a huge bowl of spaghetti with tomato sauce.

Bet you’d like spaghetti with sludge sauce even better
; thought Richard. Then he had a brilliant idea. If Bob was really a Dwilb, he could get boredomitis. All Richard had to do was bore him! Richard tried to keep a grin off his face.
How can I bore him silly?
he wondered.

“Try talking like Mr. Felshin,” suggested Aric, from Richard’s pocket. “That might work.”

Great idea!
thought Richard. He cleared his throat. “A really interesting thing … happened to me at school today,” he began. “I thought I might … tell you about it.” He spoke very slowly, just the way Mr. Felshin did.

“Sure, sweetie,” said his mother. “What?”

“I was on my way to … homeroom,” said Richard, dragging out every word. “And I
got … really thirsty. So I decided to get a drink … of water. At the water fountain … in the hallway. But … when I got to the fountain … the bell rang …” Richard let his voice trail off. He twirled some spaghetti around on his fork.

“Well, so?” asked his mother.

Richard took a bite of spaghetti. “Well … there was hardly any water … coming out of the fountain,” he said slowly.
“Just a tiny … drop. A … weeny… little … dribble. It went drip … drip … drip …”

Richard stole a glance at Bob. Bob just smiled at him and kept on eating. But his mother was looking at him really oddly. Her eyelids were drooping a little.

“Richard!” she said, yawning. “Get to the point!”

“Well …” Richard sucked a few strands of spaghetti off his fork as slowly as he
could. “I guess the point is … that I didn’t get a drink of water … before homeroom. So I was … really thirsty … all during homeroom. And after homeroom …” Richard looked at Bob again. He was still busy eating.

Then he looked up. “Excuse me,” he said to Richard. “But could you pass the spaghetti?” He turned to Richard’s mother. She was yawning again. “This is delicious, Harriet,” he said, beaming. “Delicious.”

Look at them
! Richard sent the thought to Aric.
My mom’s falling asleep, and he’s not bored at all
!

“Try something else,” came the little alien’s voice. “Ask for money. On Ganoob we consider that very boring.”

I’ll give it a shot
, thought Richard. He cleared his throat again. “Mom,” he said, in an extra-whiny voice. “Remember that sale I told you about at Mutant Splendor?” Mutant Splendor was a store in the mall that sold sci-fi stuff. Richard spent most of his allowance there. “It’s a really great
sale,” Richard went on. “Three comics for the price of two.”

“Richard! You have every comic book ever published!” said his mother. “Don’t tell me you want more.” His mother let Richard buy comics, but only one a week. He had a huge collection.

“Back issues of Space Lords of Gygrax!” said Richard. “I’ve got to have them, Mom. They’re collector’s items.” Richard forgot about being boring. There really was a sale at Mutant Splendor, and he really wanted those comics. “And they’ll be really valuable someday. I know they will.”