Amber Frost (8 page)

I had no time to ask what he was doing, I had no spare thoughts to wonder or worry or question. All of my energy was suddenly focused on trying to follow his lead, to keep up.

We spun and twisted and weaved about the dance floor. Our steps became quicker, our footwork more intricate. Our bodies moved closer together as the formal structure of the waltz fell apart. I felt completely exhilarated, a wide smile spreading across my face. This was what dancing should be – this was what I’d always felt was missing. Dancing with Sebastian went against all the rules; it was challenging, it was intricate, it was expressive and passionate – it was almost over, I realized as I was hit by a wave of disappointment. The music was slowing, reality was creeping back. He slowed our pace, twirling me back towards the edge of the floor. I smiled up at him, still clutched tightly in his steady arms.

“Thank you,” I told him breathlessly. I meant this ‘thank you’ with every fibre of my being. He beamed back at me; I could tell he was happy for no other reason than for making me happy. The music stopped and we stepped apart. My heart gave a painful throb. Polite applause erupted around us. It was then that I realized the other couples had made way for our unique and intricate “waltz”, stepping back from the dance floor in order to give us more room. How many people had been watching? I heard many appreciative murmurs over our skillful and creative dance. I was starting to feel panicky again; had my parents seen me dancing with Sebastian? Had Clarke? Sebastian appeared completely unruffled by the sudden attention we were receiving. He coolly and calmly ignored everyone but me.

“I have to go,” he suddenly announced.

“Don’t leave... I...” I struggled to find the words, unsure what I wanted myself.

“I’ve stayed too long already. But if you wanted, you could see me tomorrow.”

Tomorrow was Saturday. I had tanning and hair appointments in the morning and then I was supposed to watch Clarke’s rugby game in the afternoon.

“When?” I asked without thinking any further.

“Meet me at the inner harbor at 10 a.m. I’ll find you there,” he promised.

I nodded, barely realizing what I was agreeing to. I already had plans for tomorrow, plans I couldn’t just drop without any notice. And besides, I shouldn’t be spending any more time with Sebastian. I should give up this ridiculous little charade.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I whispered, defying my own thoughts. He grinned, touching my cheek affectionately before he spun away from me, quickly disappearing into the crowd.

I looked around, feeling slightly dazed. My parents were crossing the room towards me, the Jensons having disappeared. I noticed the Simons, also a short distance away, involved in a conversation with the Mayor and his wife. Clarke stood slightly apart from his parents, silent and sullen, glaring off into space. I knew I would have to face them all in a matter of moments but I realized I was no longer worried about it – I was no longer worried about anything.

In that one brief, strange dance with Sebastian something had changed; I had rediscovered something that had been buried deep down within myself. I felt like I was slowly awakening from a dream, emerging into reality for the first time in years. And suddenly, nothing seemed so important anymore. All of the things that I had thought mattered so much, suddenly didn’t. I had rediscovered the joy of my own happiness, the freedom of letting go, of abandoning ‘the rules’. A frightening new passion was building inside me and though I was scared and wary, I was powerless to go back to the way I had been.

I turned to face my parents, to face the world, with fresh enthusiastic eyes that finally saw the truth.

Some changes occur suddenly like a brilliant flash of lightning striking across a dark sky. These changes are stunning, exciting but can be quickly forgotten. Other changes happen slowly, gradually, like a flower blooming in early spring, each day unfurling its petals another fraction of an inch towards the warm, nurturing sun. These changes are as inevitable as nature running its course; they’re meant to be. Sebastian had planted the seed in my mind and in my soul, and tonight it had started to grow, to put down roots. Outwardly I was the same, no one else knew me as any different. But I felt different. I felt alive.

I no longer feared facing the Simons and my parents after Sebastian’s departure but I still didn’t want to cause any unnecessary problems. It was a relief to learn that my parents hadn’t witnessed my dance with Sebastian. And they thought nothing out-of-the-ordinary when several guests complimented them on my dancing; they knew I danced a nearly perfect waltz. I meekly followed them over to the Simons’ table where I apologized for not coming to speak with them sooner, excusing myself due to feeling out-of-sorts. I didn’t do this to please my parents or because I knew it would somewhat mollify Clarke – I did it to avoid any more trouble. I knew that my life was soon to become much more complicated but tonight, I was determined to end things smoothly. I would pretend one last time for no one but myself and say goodbye to the girl I now realized I had only ever pretended to be.

It was for the same reason that I agreed to dance with Clarke when he asked me – to part on good terms. Perhaps I was still trying to please others, but at least now I knew I was starting to please myself. I was ready to take a chance and to try to discover my own definition of happiness. This was my new beginning.

“You didn’t have to dance with me, you know,” Clarke sulked as we waltzed across the floor. It was almost as if he had been reading my thoughts, but I knew
he
wasn’t that perceptive.

“I know,” I answered, and I meant it. There was a new confidence, a firmness to the way I spoke. I no longer worried about offending him. “I wanted to dance with you.”

“You don’t look like you’re enjoying yourself. Not like you were when you danced with
him
,” he accused. Ah, I thought, the real source of his pouting.

“You don’t need to worry about Sebastian Caldwood.”

“I’m not.” He looked angry, refusing to meet my eye.

“I meant that it doesn’t concern you,” I restated.

“You’re my girlfriend; you’re my business.” I realized now wasn’t the time or place to correct him but I would have to soon.

“He’s my friend – I can be friends with whomever I choose. I don’t need your permission.” There was an edge to my voice that I’d never quite managed before. It didn’t seem to intimidate him though, I only seemed to be aggravating him – exactly what I’d meant to avoid.

“We’ll see,” he promised darkly.

It was past eleven when my parents were ready to leave the Gala. It then took nearly another hour for them to ensure that they had said farewell to all the right people before we left. I politely shook hands with the Simons’ before leaving, graciously telling Clarke he needn’t escort me out to the car and miss the end of the Gala. He easily agreed; I knew he was still annoyed with me but I didn’t care. It was liberating to no longer be ruled by his expectations.

My father was silent on the way home, listening to my mother’s boastful chatter with obvious distraction. He kept glancing down at his phone while he was driving as if expecting or at least hoping it might ring. My mother had had more to drink than usual, a flush to her taut cheeks. She gushed on about all the people she had so obviously impressed this evening; the Simons, the Mayor, some sitcom actor who had also been present. She was so proud the event had been a success – not because of the amount of funds raised for ‘the children’ but because of the prestige it lent her. She even acknowledged that she’d received several compliments about her attractive daughter who was ‘such a skilled dancer’. She almost sounded proud. Normally, I would have glowed with pride that I had pleased her. As it was, I only felt a vague sense of pity that she cared so much about what others thought. I knew with a kind of hopeless certainty that it was too late for my mother to ever change. There was hope for me though and I knew it was time that I focused on myself.

When we arrived home, I quickly kissed each of my parents on the cheek before going upstairs to bed. It was a farewell kiss, not only because I most likely wouldn’t see either of them again until Sunday evening but also because the daughter they thought they knew wasn’t just leaving but had, in fact, already gone.

The next morning I awoke feeling vibrant and refreshed. It was the first night in weeks that I hadn’t had any nightmares. The clear skies outside my window added to my optimism and good mood. It was cold and overcast but there was surprisingly no rain. It would be a good day to walk about outside at the inner harbor. I idly wondered what Sebastian had planned for today. I felt a small thrill of excitement as I contemplated the possibilities.

I dressed simply and quickly, remembering Sebastian’s comment from the night before that he thought my beauty “outshines all else”. I pulled on a pair of comfortable, dark wash jeans and a long-sleeve, cotton shirt under a thick hoodie all bearing design house logos. I quickly brushed my hair, pulling it up into a ponytail. I briefly considered not wearing any makeup at all but ended up settling on a quick sweep of eye shadow, a coat of mascara and some clear lip gloss.

I critically examined my reflection in the mirror before I left my room. I looked different than I was used to but I had to admit, there was something compelling about my lack of adornment. It really did allow my natural beauty to shine through, not that it really mattered. There was no one I needed to impress today. I felt surprisingly comfortable going out this way. There was no mask of makeup, no fancy, costumed clothes – it was just me and for once, I felt like that was enough.

I grabbed a canvas messenger bag that I had and stuffed my wallet, cell phone and car keys inside. I slung the strap across my chest before twirling out my room. I was feeling in exceedingly high spirits as I glided down the hallway to the top of the wide, curved staircase. My good mood came crashing down though when I saw who stood on the stairs.

Walter looked up at me with his resentful, beady eyes. I was surprised to see him. He hardly ever came up onto the third floor which only contained mine and my parents’ rooms. I had a strong suspicion that he had been about to ‘check up’ on me.

“Ms. Grace,” he greeted me, his features twisted in distaste as he spoke. “And just where might you be going, dressed like that?” he demanded, arching a thin, dark brow at me as he climbed the last stair.

“Not that it’s any of your business but I have an appointment downtown at La Sola salon; I’ll be out most of the day. Now if you’ll excuse me.” I attempted to step around him. He took another step towards me, blocking my way. I instinctively recoiled from his closeness; everything about him repelled me and sent warning shivers down my spine.

“You’re going downtown?” He looked skeptical, eyeing my uncharacteristically casual clothes. “I have errands to run downtown myself. I’ll drive you.”

“No, thank you,” I said firmly, struggling to remain polite. I forced myself to step closer so that I might move around him. I held my breath, suppressing a shudder as my sleeve brushed his arm when I passed. “I haven’t driven myself anywhere in quite some time. I want to drive,” I told him, truthfully. He snatched my wrist as I tried to walk away. I could feel the clamminess of his cold, bony fingers pinching into my skin through my sweater sleeve.

“I’m afraid I’ll have to insist. Your mother has asked that you not go anywhere unaccompanied this weekend.” His black eyes gleamed as he spoke.

“Unfortunately, that is not my mother’s decision to make,” I informed him. His eyes widened in surprise. I usually backed down from confrontations like this, always wanting to keep the peace. And I never, ever, defied my mother’s wishes – until now. Walter’s ugly expression twisted into one of bitter uncertainty, a sudden speculative wariness in his eyes.

Before Walter could argue with me any further, I yanked my arm from his grasp and marched down the staircase without looking back. I knew I was going to have to move fast, he’d be on the phone with my mother in seconds – he may even possibly try and follow me.

I rushed down the last few stairs, hurried across the marble foyer and straight out the huge front doors. I could feel my cell phone vibrating in my bag already. I pulled out my phone as I reached my car, the little black Austin-mini that I barely ever drove anymore. The call display announced it was, indeed, my mother calling. I hesitated, contemplating throwing my phone into the nearby rose bushes. That sudden rebellious surge surprised me. Of course I couldn’t do that – what was I thinking? I wasn’t ready to talk to my mother just yet though so I let the call go through to my voicemail, tossing my phone onto the passenger seat as I hopped into the car and started it up.

I had another moment of doubt as I turned my car around and slowly rolled up to our property gates. What would I do if they didn’t open? I hadn’t thought that far ahead. The gates smoothly slid apart though as apparently I would be permitted to leave. I hadn’t been sure if Walter would have the audacity to lock me in or not.

I sped away from my hideously grandiose house and down the winding road alongside the ocean. The sun was now trying to break through the thick clouds, weak rays reaching the earth and sparkling in the aqua-marine waves. I felt a thrill of optimistic excitement. It felt so good to be driving myself somewhere again; I’d missed my little black car. And it felt even better to be making my own decisions. I glanced reluctantly at my phone on the passenger seat. I had some calls to make before I could completely relax. I eased my foot off the gas, slowing down to pull over onto the side of the road. I would need all of my concentration for this.

First I phoned La Sola salon and cancelled my tanning and hair appointments. I only apologized once for the last minute cancellation, vaguely but firmly stating that something had come up that I had to immediately attend to. The second phone call was the more difficult and nerve-wracking of the two – I phoned my mother back.

Luck was with me today though as she didn’t answer and I was able to leave a message. I hoped she was in a meeting – then I needn’t expect a phone call back anytime soon. I knew I was being a coward but I was still new to this and unpracticed at asserting myself. And though it was intensely satisfying and empowering, it was still dreadfully frightening taking those first steps. The beep of my mother’s voicemail interrupted my thoughts.

“Um, hi, Mom – it’s me, Grace. I, uh… well, I cancelled my appointments for this morning. You see… I had a bit of an argument with Clarke last night, we’ve been having some problems lately and… well, I think he sort of, would like me better if I changed a bit… So I thought I’d try something different and get some sun the natural way today and maybe miss a hair appointment so I don’t look so manicured… He has a rugby game this afternoon – I think he’s going to be surprised with the new me. I hope you’re not mad; I’m sure you’ll understand. It’s important to keep others happy, right? Okay… guess I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”

I hung up the phone, a small smile slowly pulling at my cheeks. I had managed to get my mother off my case without ever lying to her. I didn’t even feel very badly that I’d given her the wrong impression. Clarke did want me to change who I was – by staying the same. And he would be surprised this afternoon at his rugby game but only because I wasn’t going to be there. And where was I going to be? I had the whole day to myself, I could do anything I wanted. But there was only one place I wanted to be right then, only one person I wanted to see.

I turned away from the ocean, driving past the outskirts of Beacon Hill Park towards downtown Victoria and the inner harbor. I knew Sebastian was waiting there for me. It was almost as if I could sense him, like he was guiding me home. It seemed strange to think of Sebastian as ‘home’ but I realized it was appropriate enough. I felt more at ease and comfortable with him than I did in my own house. How strange that I felt like that already when I’d known him for only such a short period of time. I suppose some things just happen that way.

I parked my car in a metered lot as close to the harbor as I could get. I hesitated again at the meter, wondering how long I should pay for. I eventually purchased a day pass – better to overestimate, I decided. I remembered to pay in cash too, knowing well that my mother would be checking my visa and debit accounts to see where I had been today.

Although it was only 9:30 in the morning, the city streets were already bustling with Christmas shoppers, tourists and the ever-present homeless and panhandlers. I carefully averted my eyes from the vagabonds, feigning deafness when they asked for money or cigarettes. The homeless weren’t the only ones who paid attention to me. As I walked past a café patio, several of the male patrons eyed me appreciatively. I quickened my pace, feeling an increasing need to be near Sebastian. His presence was calming to me. I always seemed to feel like I was safe with him – no matter how confusing or strange he could be. I felt as if nothing could possibly go wrong as long as I was by his side. It was an inexplicable certainty.

Seagulls swirled overhead against the thin grey clouds. Their cries were drowned out by the wind and the noises of the busy city streets. As I approached the inner harbor, a medley of sounds and sights assaulted my senses. I could smell the salt of the ocean on the frigid breeze, street vendors called out their wares over the bustling crowd, the sounds of different performers blended into one another along the harbor walk, the enticing smells of coffee, popcorn and hotdogs laced through the air. I could feel my excitement slowly building, bubbling up inside of me in anticipation. This was a side to the city I’d never been permitted to partake in, never been allowed to really experience – until today.