Authors: Dossie Easton,Catherine A. Liszt
B003B0W1QC EBOK (16 page)
With any stimulation, it works best to start very gently and then build up so slowly that the recipient will eager for you to go further faster. This works a lot better than whopping somebody across the behind as hard as you can before they are turned on. Going slowly gives you both time to get warmed up and turned on, and lets you explore each new experience as it happens without feeling driven to move on to the next step right away. If you slow down to a ritual, almost trance-like pace, you will be moving slow enough to make no mistakes, and your partner will probably love it.
Similarly, if you are on the receiving end of the stimulus, make a deal with your partner beforehand to move forward very slowly, so you have plenty of time to feel safe with a particular stimulation, and to decide how much of it you want.
Beginner’s mind.
Allow yourself to be a beginner. Buddhists instruct advanced meditation practitioners to constantly return to “beginner’s mind” in order to see things freshly and clearly, without preconceptions. Your explorations as a beginner are wonderful and exciting and truly a great adventure - so enjoy them. It is a terrible waste to fail to notice the pleasure you are sharing today because you are preoccupied planning for greater pleasures tomorrow.
Allow yourself to be a beginner. Buddhists instruct advanced meditation practitioners to constantly return to “beginner’s mind” in order to see things freshly and clearly, without preconceptions. Your explorations as a beginner are wonderful and exciting and truly a great adventure - so enjoy them. It is a terrible waste to fail to notice the pleasure you are sharing today because you are preoccupied planning for greater pleasures tomorrow.
Try playing with a new toy or activity for a while and then finishing with the kind of sex you already know you both love. Do this a lot, and your relationship will thrive even if it takes years, as it has for most of us, to get to where you are comfortable doing the scenes that lie in the far reaches of your fantasies. You can get comfortable: we know, we have, and you are under no obligation whatsoever to do the scariest stuff you can think of. Why would you want to? Stick with what feels safe today, and see what changes tomorrow.
What if you try it and you don’t like it? Three easy tries, and you still don’t like it? Well, you are no worse off than you were before, and now you have a lot more knowledge about what kinky sex is about. We have a myth in our culture that all sex which is less than perfectly and exquisitely transcendent is a total flop. This is not true. If you attempt any new sexual endeavor and it’s barely okay or not really that great, that is all that will happen. You will not die of mortification, nor will the planet open up and swallow you whole. If you try something that doesn’t work, you and your partner can have a rueful laugh about it, take care of each other for now, and decide what you want to do about all that later. One third-rate sexual encounter will not traumatize you for life.
What if you try it and you do like it? Welcome to a very crowded closet.
11
Conclusion: Kink Unburied
So now we have shared with you everything we can think of that might help you deal with the reality of having a kinky person close to you in your life. We have talked about health and sickness, safety and sanity, and hopefully given you a positive and realistic picture of your kinky friend’s world. We have offered suggestions for family members, helping professionals, and partners of kinky people on dealing with the presence of a kinky person in your life, and we sincerely hope that some of them are useful to you.
As we talk about various aspects of kinkiness in the world, we are acutely aware that we are unburying a whole bunch of wild ideas, dark fantasies, baroque behaviors, and intense sexual sensation that our culture normally keeps hidden in the belief that just knowing - not advocating, not participating, not fantasizing, just knowing - about these practices will somehow harm or pollute you. As if you couldn’t make an informed decision about your own sex life. As if this knowledge could send you spiraling down a path of depravity you never chose or intended. As if just talking about forbidden sexuality had some magical consequences beyond that talking.
Obviously, we don’t believe any of this. You probably don’t either. We suspect that you have read this book, with perhaps some trepidation, but in perfect safety, and that, having read it, you have not suddenly become somebody you weren’t before. This is important to remember as you face the daunting challenge of continuing connection and communication with your kinky person - this is about words. Words and ideas. Thinking about it can’t hurt you. And nothing about this means that you ought to change who you are. You are just fine right now.
As we see it, you, the nonkinky person in your kinky person’s life, have some choices. You can choose to rebury all this information, with the sad understanding that this act will distance you from your friend or family member. Or you can choose to open a dialogue with your friend, ask questions about his reality, find ways to get safe with honesty between you. Or you can decide never to speak to your kinky person again, to slam the door of your affection in her face.
Obviously, we hope that you will choose to open a dialogue, to open your heart, and to find a way to empathize with your friend or loved one. We believe you will both be enriched by your connection, and that any differences between you, far from creating an impossible chasm, might become the subject of lively discourse and the sharing of heartfelt feelings that brings you closer. Your differences, you know, are an important contribution that you bring to this relationship - you enrich your friend’s life when you share what is unique to you. We hope you find the way to love each other without necessarily agreeing about everything, without conditions.
Unconditional love is not some unattainable ideal, suitable only for saints and bodhisattvas. Unconditional love happens all the time, in often funky ways: it is a real force already present in our everyday lives. We do not cease to love our children when they misbehave. We do not need to cease to love them when they grow up and make life decisions that weren’t part of our plan. We love them while we have reservations, even when we disapprove. We grown-ups can afford to treat each other with that same generosity of spirit, simply by being mindful of how acutely we love each other, even when times are hard.
Unconditional love is not difficult; most often it is a simple truth. It means I love you even when I disagree. I love you when I think you’re being a jerk. I love you when
I’m
being a jerk. I don’t need to agree with or approve of every single thing about you to love you, and you don’t need to be perfect to be loved. It is a finer love that recognizes our human frailties and continues to love. And the love we share with our families and lovers is not based on some objective evaluation of an individual’s worthiness. Real love is based on our feelings of emotional connectedness, and that connection doesn’t go away unless you cut if off.
I’m
being a jerk. I don’t need to agree with or approve of every single thing about you to love you, and you don’t need to be perfect to be loved. It is a finer love that recognizes our human frailties and continues to love. And the love we share with our families and lovers is not based on some objective evaluation of an individual’s worthiness. Real love is based on our feelings of emotional connectedness, and that connection doesn’t go away unless you cut if off.
Knowing that, perhaps you can find the courage to love your kinky friend even when you are shocked or frightened by her or his sexual choices. We have said this before, but it bears reiterating now: we feel quite sure that your kinky person cares about you. Otherwise, why would they take the risk of facing your disapproval or disgust by coming out to you? We kinky folk do not share our precious pleasures with most people. Most of us do not choose to spend our lives in fruitless argument with people we don’t care about.
Somewhere in that mutual caring, we hope you find the where-withal to hang in there with your friend until a growing understanding emerges, and you can continue to care about your friend with serenity.
Once again, we want to acknowledge that you, our readers, are the people who care enough to want to learn about their dear friend’s lifestyle, and we congratulate you for making the effort to understand. And we hope we have been able to offer some help in your journey.
Thank you.
Glossary
(Words printed in italics are separately defined in the Glossary.)
Abuse
: How do kinkyfolk distinguish between kink and abuse? The most important difference is that the kinks we discuss in this book are all
consensual.
Kinkyfolk negotiate what they’re going to do ahead of time; abusers don’t. Another important difference is that playing with our kinks is something we do to enhance our own, and our partners’, well-being; abusers don’t care about their victims’ well-being. Truth to tell, kink doesn’t feel like abuse either.
: How do kinkyfolk distinguish between kink and abuse? The most important difference is that the kinks we discuss in this book are all
consensual.
Kinkyfolk negotiate what they’re going to do ahead of time; abusers don’t. Another important difference is that playing with our kinks is something we do to enhance our own, and our partners’, well-being; abusers don’t care about their victims’ well-being. Truth to tell, kink doesn’t feel like abuse either.
Age Play
: Play in which one or more people act the role of someone younger - or older - than they really are. Age players can be dependent infants, stubborn toddlers, explorative schoolchildren, mouthy teenagers or whatever other role interests them. Both
bottoms
and
tops
can play with age change.
: Play in which one or more people act the role of someone younger - or older - than they really are. Age players can be dependent infants, stubborn toddlers, explorative schoolchildren, mouthy teenagers or whatever other role interests them. Both
bottoms
and
tops
can play with age change.
Archetype:
Here we get a little Jungian. In Jungian theory, an archetype is a universal symbol which carries tremendous power, and appears in many forms throughout human culture. Examples of archetypes in the classical sense might be “nurturing mother,” “trickster,” “benevolent deity,” and so on. A lot of kinky play explores these archetypes, often in modern form - the whip-wielding leather-clad spike-heeled
dominatrix
(“bitch goddess”) is a good example. In trying to understand your kinky person better, it might help to think about what archetypes she is exploring.
Here we get a little Jungian. In Jungian theory, an archetype is a universal symbol which carries tremendous power, and appears in many forms throughout human culture. Examples of archetypes in the classical sense might be “nurturing mother,” “trickster,” “benevolent deity,” and so on. A lot of kinky play explores these archetypes, often in modern form - the whip-wielding leather-clad spike-heeled
dominatrix
(“bitch goddess”) is a good example. In trying to understand your kinky person better, it might help to think about what archetypes she is exploring.
BDSM:
This is a fairly recent coinage that seems to have been formed on the Internet. It squishes together three older terms - B&D (
bondage
& discipline),
D/S
(dominance & submission), and
S/M
(sadomasochism).
This is a fairly recent coinage that seems to have been formed on the Internet. It squishes together three older terms - B&D (
bondage
& discipline),
D/S
(dominance & submission), and
S/M
(sadomasochism).
Bestiality: Also sometimes called
zoophilia.
Some people enjoy sexual interactions with animals. It has been pointed out to us that, unless they are tied down or abused, animals are quite able to express nonconsent: they can bite, scratch, growl or just run away. On the other hand, some people believe that the animals in question are being exploited even if they are not being hurt. We have not been able to interview a representative sample of beasts to get their point of view. Informed consent is a tricky issue here.
zoophilia.
Some people enjoy sexual interactions with animals. It has been pointed out to us that, unless they are tied down or abused, animals are quite able to express nonconsent: they can bite, scratch, growl or just run away. On the other hand, some people believe that the animals in question are being exploited even if they are not being hurt. We have not been able to interview a representative sample of beasts to get their point of view. Informed consent is a tricky issue here.
Blindfold:
A way to restrict or eliminate a bottom’s vision, which helps her to relax and focus. Players might use a blindfold made especially for that purpose, or a scarf or other piece of cloth. A safe blindfold does not put pressure on the eyeballs, but the blindfoldee should remove his contacts anyway.
A way to restrict or eliminate a bottom’s vision, which helps her to relax and focus. Players might use a blindfold made especially for that purpose, or a scarf or other piece of cloth. A safe blindfold does not put pressure on the eyeballs, but the blindfoldee should remove his contacts anyway.
Body Modification:
Changing the appearance of the body with
piercings,
tattoos, cuttings and other physical methods. People who are into body modification may or may not also be into
S/M
or other
kinks
. Sometimes shortened to “bodymod.”
Changing the appearance of the body with
piercings,
tattoos, cuttings and other physical methods. People who are into body modification may or may not also be into
S/M
or other
kinks
. Sometimes shortened to “bodymod.”
Body worship
: Caressing, kissing or licking some part or parts of the dominant’s body.
: Caressing, kissing or licking some part or parts of the dominant’s body.
Bondage and discipline
: Many people use this as a term for “softer,” less intense SM. It usually includes some form of tying someone up, and may include milder pain activities such as light
spanking
or
clamps.
: Many people use this as a term for “softer,” less intense SM. It usually includes some form of tying someone up, and may include milder pain activities such as light
spanking
or
clamps.
Bondage
: An umbrella term for using rope, leather and similar materials to restrain some aspects of one’s partner’s ability to move (or, sometimes, just for decoration). Bondage may be very mild - for example, a soft loop of rope holding the wrists together in front of the body - or very restrictive.
: An umbrella term for using rope, leather and similar materials to restrain some aspects of one’s partner’s ability to move (or, sometimes, just for decoration). Bondage may be very mild - for example, a soft loop of rope holding the wrists together in front of the body - or very restrictive.
Bottom
: An umbrella term for the one who gets “done to” - the
submissive,
the masochist, the slave, the
boy
or girl, whatever. Some people use “bottom” to mean only someone who enjoys receiving strong sensation, as opposed to “submissive” for someone who enjoys having his behavior controlled, but we’ll use the first definition in this book.
: An umbrella term for the one who gets “done to” - the
submissive,
the masochist, the slave, the
boy
or girl, whatever. Some people use “bottom” to mean only someone who enjoys receiving strong sensation, as opposed to “submissive” for someone who enjoys having his behavior controlled, but we’ll use the first definition in this book.
Boy
or
Girl:
A bottom in a relationship in which he or she plays the role of a somewhat dependent, sometimes rather childlike person. The top in such a relationship usually, but not always, identifies as a daddy or sometimes a mommy. Daddy/boy relationships and their ilk are more common among gay men and lesbians (daddies, mommies, boys and girls can all be of any gender), but are not unknown among heterosexuals.
or
Girl:
A bottom in a relationship in which he or she plays the role of a somewhat dependent, sometimes rather childlike person. The top in such a relationship usually, but not always, identifies as a daddy or sometimes a mommy. Daddy/boy relationships and their ilk are more common among gay men and lesbians (daddies, mommies, boys and girls can all be of any gender), but are not unknown among heterosexuals.
Cage
: Pretty much what it sounds like - a large square wood or metal box with bars in which a bottom can be confined. Some cages are small and uncomfortable and meant for short-term scenes, others are larger and more comfortable, for longer periods of confinement.
: Pretty much what it sounds like - a large square wood or metal box with bars in which a bottom can be confined. Some cages are small and uncomfortable and meant for short-term scenes, others are larger and more comfortable, for longer periods of confinement.
Cane
: A long narrow flexible stick, usually of rattan, used for striking the buttocks. This is not the same as the heavy rigid cane used for walking; it’s also not the same as the much longer and heavier rattan canes used for judicial punishment in Singapore. It is more like the canes used on public school children in Victorian England - designed to hurt but not to do long-term damage.
: A long narrow flexible stick, usually of rattan, used for striking the buttocks. This is not the same as the heavy rigid cane used for walking; it’s also not the same as the much longer and heavier rattan canes used for judicial punishment in Singapore. It is more like the canes used on public school children in Victorian England - designed to hurt but not to do long-term damage.
Clamp
: A small spring device which can be attached to a pinch of skin to create intense sensation. The most commonly used clamp is a plain wooden spring clothespin. Other kinds are made of plastic or metal, but are comparable in size and intensity to clothespins.
: A small spring device which can be attached to a pinch of skin to create intense sensation. The most commonly used clamp is a plain wooden spring clothespin. Other kinds are made of plastic or metal, but are comparable in size and intensity to clothespins.
Clip
: Another word for a clamp.
: Another word for a clamp.
Collar
: A decorative piece of leather or metal worn around the neck, often as a symbol of a
dominant/submissive
or
owner/slave
relationship. Many people put on the collar to signal that they are going to start their
scene
, and take it off to signal that the scene is over. Others wear their collar all the time, like a wedding ring.
: A decorative piece of leather or metal worn around the neck, often as a symbol of a
dominant/submissive
or
owner/slave
relationship. Many people put on the collar to signal that they are going to start their
scene
, and take it off to signal that the scene is over. Others wear their collar all the time, like a wedding ring.
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