Between Friends (19 page)

You’ve been a good friend to me, Cole.

Thank you for that and for your love, generosity and support. I wouldn’t do anything in the world to hurt you. But I think you know as well as I do that while we made very good friends, we were never meant to be lovers.

Thank you for understanding.

Lesley

1997

Jillian’s Journal

January 1, 1997

The nineties are speeding by so quickly. It seems I barely turned the calendar page to a new year and three more have slipped through my fingers. They’ve been eventful years, though, dealing with retirement, helping Leni Jo prepare for college, then losing Mom.

I still miss my mother. Her death caught both Leni Jo and me by surprise. It’s almost two years since she died peacefully in her sleep. Leni Jo took it particularly hard. Mom’s mental and physical health had started to deteriorate rapidly after her 80th birthday. I knew how desperately she wanted to remain in her own home; the decision to place her in a retirement center hung over my head and I’d delayed making it as long as possible. Even with her diminished capacity, Mom was well aware of her surroundings, and I simply couldn’t take her away from everything that was familiar and comfortable to her. Not until there was no longer any choice did I move her to a nursing home. As it turned out, that was very near the end. I can’t say her death was a blessing, but as always my mother’s timing was impeccable. I miss her so very much.

Leni Jo loves Radcliffe. It’s her first year away from home and I worry about her, but my daughter is certainly capable of forging her own path. She’s let me know she isn’t interested in practicing law, which doesn’t hurt my feelings. She’s talented and artistic—and has no idea what she wants to be or do with her life. At eighteen, she has plenty of time to figure it out.

I’m grateful we’re so close. We talk either by phone or e-mail practically every day. I’m in frequent touch with Lesley, too. It almost feels as if we’re back in high school, passing notes back and forth during class.

Gary Harmon and I continue to date, but not seriously. He’d like to make the relationship permanent but I’m not interested in remarrying, which has been a disappointment to him. I’m glad we can be honest with each other. Last year he explained that he didn’t intend to live the rest of his life alone and then in June he started seeing another woman. To be honest, I was unsettled for a while but accepted that I was about to lose my dearest male friend. Apparently, the relationship didn’t work out, and Gary and I are back together. We enjoy the same things, travel occasionally and are good companions. However, despite his preferences, this isn’t a romantic relationship. Perhaps one day that’ll change; I can’t say for sure.

For now, I’m in a good place, emotionally and physically. With the Dow-Jones heading toward 7000, the investments Monty made for me have grown substantially. The ones I made for myself have done equally well. Whether credit should go to the Democrats or the Republicans is hard to judge. Dad, I know you have strong opinions on the subject, but I’m not up to arguing the point. Not on such a glorious day, the first of a new year.

If I were looking for an omen, I’d point to Hale-Bopp, which has proven to be a truly majestic comet visible to the naked eye. I was excited about the return of Haley’s Comet back in 1991. All that news coverage and then what a disappointment. But Hale-Bopp is supposed to be incredible, and since it won’t return until the year 4397, this is truly a once-in-a-lifetime event!

Lesley and Steven have been married nearly two years, and I can’t recall any time in her life that she’s been happier. I love Steven myself for being so wonderful to my dearest friend. They enjoy traveling and are constantly going here and there, especially now that he’s taken on a partner and reduced his hours. No one seeing them together for the first time would guess that they’re practically newlyweds. They know each other so well, it’s as though they’d been married their entire lives.

Lesley took up golf and to her husband’s delight, shows a real knack for it. Steven has been the father to her children that Buck was never capable of being. The boys idolize him, and he’s managed to gain Lindy’s respect simply because of the way he loves Lesley. At first I thought there might be a problem with his own daughters, but both have accepted Lesley and despite a few rough spots after they first started dating, everything’s worked out on both sides.

Steven hopes to retire completely in the year 2000, and he and Lesley plan to spend a month in Central America treating the sick. They’re going as part of a volunteer group, and I applaud their compassion and generosity. My own involvement will, however, be limited to a financial contribution.

David and Meagan are parents two times over, and Doug is married, too. I briefly met his wife at their wedding last October. Lesley thinks the world of Julie.

Thankfully, Lindy’s had a turnaround. I don’t know exactly what happened, but almost overnight, she went from being a rebellious, self-centered thorn in her mother’s side to a responsible, well-adjusted adult. She’s seriously dating a man any mother would love and, after much soul-searching, dropped out of school and accepted a position as a bookkeeper at Microsoft. David recommended her for the job but she was hired and promoted on her own merit.

Christopher surprised everyone and became a teacher. He’s working with Junior High kids who absolutely love him.

Our children are all settled and doing well. These have been the best years of Lesley’s life. Mine, too, in some ways.

***

this day i will marry my best friend,
the one i laugh with, live for and dream with.
We invite you to be with us as we
begin our lives
together.
Lindy Knowles
and
Jordan Kevin Parker
June 7, 1997
2 p.m.
Highline Christian Church
2189 33rd Avenue Southeast
Pine Ridge, Washington
Reception immediately following
RSVP

***

Lindy Knowles

February 10, 1997

Dear Dad,

I’m sending this to the last address I have for you, and that’s care of your parole officer in Texas. No one’s heard from you in a long time, two years at least. I want you to know I’m getting married in June to a truly wonderful man. We met last year, here at Microsoft, and started dating in September. I knew Jordan was the man I wanted to marry almost right away. Oh, Daddy, I’m so in love with him.

I took my time deciding on marriage, didn’t I? Jordan’s thirty-one, and has never been married, either.

The funny part is I probably wouldn’t have given him a second look a few years back. He’s everything I was sure I didn’t want. Successful, sane and sober!

Three years ago, I was dating losers. I attracted men more interested in drugs and alcohol than in me. Men I thought I could save from themselves. It wasn’t until after I found out I was pregnant and had an abortion that I realized it wasn’t
them
I was trying to save. I wanted to save
you.
I so wanted my father back that I was seeking out men just like you to redeem. Thankfully I woke up before I ruined my life.

I know this sounds critical of you. I don’t mean to come across as harsh or judgmental. That’s not my intention. The entire reason for this letter is to invite you to Jordan’s and my wedding. I’d really like you to be there, Dad, and I’m giving you plenty of time to figure out a way to arrange it. If you need me to send you the money, then I’ll do it. This is going to be a very important day for me, and I want you to witness the fact that I’ve grown up and chosen my life partner well. I’m eager for you to meet Jordan and get to know him.

As far as I am concerned, none of the past matters any more. You’ve made mistakes and so have I. Everyone’s always told me that I’m the Knowles kid most like you. Well, I want to show you that I’m capable of living a good life. If you see how happy I am, then maybe you can find that same serenity yourself. Here I go again, trying to save you, but that’s all right because I took care of myself first this time.

I love you despite your problems and your weaknesses. Please let me hear from you either way. It would be good just to know you’re all right.

Lindy

***

East Side Imaging

30 East 60th Street New York, NY 10021

February 17, 1997

Dear Mrs. Jillian Gordon,

Dr. Wilson has had the opportunity to review the x-ray from your mammogram. We request that you make an appointment with your gynecologist at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,

Ruth Carey, R.N.

***

Jillian Gordon

From: Leni Jo Gordon To: Jillian Gordon Sent: February 27, 1997 Subject: I’m Coming Home

Mom,

What do you mean, it looks like you need surgery? You can’t just drop something like that on me!

This has to do with that lump in your breast, doesn’t it? The one they found on your mammogram. I don’t care what you say, I’m coming home for the surgery. Have you told Aunt Lesley yet? Let me know the day, and I’ll make the arrangements immediately.

Oh, and Mom, I know now probably isn’t the time to mention this, but I’ve met someone totally awesome. I’ll give you more details later.

Love ya,

Leni Jo

***

Jillian’s Journal

March 20, 1997

The hospital released me this morning and it feels wonderful to be back in my own home. I’m very weak, and both Lesley and Leni Jo seemed to sense it. They put me to bed, ordering me to take a nap. Actually, I’m grateful and I relish these moments alone so I can record what happened while it’s still fresh in my mind.

The surgery, which is so common among women, should have been routine. But for whatever reason, there were complications with the anesthetic. In fact, Dr. Wilson, the surgeon, told Leni Jo and Lesley that I nearly died on the operating table. I think I must have, because I had the most incredible, lifelike dream.

The last thing I remember was looking at the anesthesiologist. She smiled at me and said calmly that everything would be over before I knew it. I closed my eyes— and that was when Nick came to me. I was so astonished to see him that I didn’t know what to think. It was as though I was eighteen years old again. And Nick, with that cocky, sexy grin of his, looked just as he did thirty-one years ago. He took my hand and all the feelings I had when we first met came back, flooding me with a surge of unadulterated joy. Then he sat down, my hand in his, and started talking.

It was as if he’d been with me all these years. He talked to me about Monty, about the child I miscarried, about Leni Jo and her future. He told me he was pleased I’d made my peace with God. He reminded me that he had, too, in the worst of Vietnam.

I kept telling him this couldn’t be happening. His response to that was a soft laugh. Then he raised my hand to his lips and kissed it. He told me he’d been waiting for me all this time, but that he was content to wait a while longer.

I’ve tried to remember as much of our conversation as I can, but I’ve already lost part of it. What I do recall is that Nick reminded me how much he loves me, even now. He’s been dead nearly thirty-one years and he loves me as much as he did when we were teenagers. What’s so astounding, he said, is that the power of love is stronger than any force known to man. Stronger than anyone has ever imagined. Love is strong enough to stretch from one world to the next, through all of time and through eternity. Stronger than life and stronger than death.

Nick assured me that when it was my turn to join him, he’d be waiting for me, along with my parents and Monty, and his dad, too. After that, he said he had to go. I protested and pleaded with him to stay, but he shook his head and told me not yet. Then he was gone.

The next thing I remember, I was awake in the recovery room. Later, after I’d been moved to my room, I asked to speak to the anesthesiologist. When she arrived, I questioned her about people reporting lifelike dreams during surgery. She assured me it was a common thing and not to give it a second thought.

I can’t do that. I refuse to dismiss this so lightly. That time with Nick was as real as...as my daughter and my best friend on the other side of this bedroom door. As real as my love for Nick.

I want to believe it was real. I’ve held the memory of that time close to my heart ever since the surgery, letting his words warm my spirit, and encourage me. Farfetched as this sounds, all my fears about death have faded away to nothing. Death no longer holds any dread for me.

Discovering I had cancer shook me. For Leni Jo’s sake, I tried to hide how frightened I’ve been. I wasn’t afraid for myself as much as her; I can’t bear the thought of leaving my only child an orphan at eighteen. She still needs me!

I’m tired now. This is only part of the ordeal in confronting the cancer. Next I have chemotherapy and radiation treatments. I’m prepared to lose my hair and my dignity. They seem minor compared to the loss of my breast...and the possible loss of my life. It helps that I’m surrounded by those who love me—in this world and the next.

***

Steven Milton

My dearest Steven,

I thought I’d check in before I go to bed.

Jillian is doing well. Her chemotherapy starts almost immediately, and she assures me she’s ready.

She’s been so calm through all this, so serene and peaceful. Her friend Gary has been wonderful and is completely devoted to her. It’s obvious that he loves her. I know he’d like to marry her, but he didn’t bring up the subject and neither did I. I was worried about her getting to and from the hospital for her treatments, but Gary plans to provide the transportation and stay with her. That’s a great relief to both Leni Jo and me. Leni Jo heads back to school at the end of next week.

I’m grateful to have had this time with Jillian. We came so close to losing her during the surgery. I don’t think she knows how very close it was.

I know you’re curious and a bit uncomfortable about my seeing Cole, so I want to reassure you on that score, too.