Boston Boys [01] - A Life Without You (19 page)

“Yeah?” Jesse answers slowly.

“Well, I decided to break it.”

Jesse retreating steps have me wondering. Chirpy looks very attractive for a woman. If Jesse’s bi then he shouldn’t look so pale at the idea of having sex with a hot girl, right?

“W-Why?” Jesse stutters.

“Well, we’re already getting married in a few years, so I don’t see the purpose of waiting.”

My chest is flooded with pain. Hundreds and thousands of needles are piercing at it, sending aching sparks to the very tips of my toes. My body feels so numb that I have a hard time standing.

In fact, I can hardly feel my limbs. I don’t know what kind of expression I have on my face, but Jesse’s eyes look mournful every time he looks at me when he shifts his attention between me and her.

This is it. This is where he has to choose. Me or her. If he’s gay, he’ll choose me. If he’s bi…

“You don’t talk much in person, do you?” Chirpy is saying to me with a tight smile stretched over her face. “So what do you say? Will you do me this one favor?”

“No,” I whisper. “No, I won’t.”

He’s my lover. He belongs to me. I won’t let this annoying little banshee take him from me. I look over at Jesse for desperate support. He slumps down on his bed and buries his face in his palms.

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“Holy Hell,” she chirps. “What’s your problem? You’re never nice to me on the phone and you’re being unreasonable. I want to have time alone with my fiancé. Who on earth wouldn’t help make that happen? Do you have a thing for him or something?” I snap out of my numbness and tower over her petite frame.

“This is
my
room. I have all my school stuff here and my clothes.

I’m not going anywhere. Besides, it’s like Jesse said, he’ll get evicted if you stay here.”

Of course I’m hoping she’ll leave, though it’s becoming more unlikely by the minute, but if it fails – if she decides to stay at a hotel in Boston with Jesse, then at least let me suffer and lick my wounds in my own bed.

“Urgh,” she growls, totally giving away her less-than-sweet nature. She even stomps her foot with tiny balled-up fists. “You are so annoying. Just go and find a girl to fuck for a few days – or a guy, if that’s your poison.”

I laugh coldly. This is good. Maybe she’ll figure out what’s going on between Jesse and me if we continue like this. “Right.

Then where would
his
roommate sleep?” I say, folding my arms in front of me, smirking at Jesse’s little flinch. “Listen, you’re the inconvenience here. Why don’t
you
leave? I’m not going anywhere.”

Chirpy mirrors my movement and folds her arms in front of her. “Fine. If you want to witness us make love, then fine. I don’t care. It’s happening with or without you in the room, faggot.” I clamp my jaws shut. That little bitch. Jesse wouldn’t agree to having sex with me in the room…unless he was having sex with me. It would be the same refusal as last night.

“Listen you little squat,” I say, raising my voice. She doesn’t even blink. “You can’t just barge in here and expect me to let you sleep here. I have a say in who sleeps in this bedroom, you know.

Besides, Jesse and I –”

“Adam,” Jesse says, stopping my near slip-up. “Anne, could you go outside for a bit while I talk to Adam? Go to the cafeteria.

I’ll meet you there in a minute.”

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Anne unfolds her arms and strides to the door. “Fine, you talk some sense into your ‘friend’ here.”

Jesse stands up as soon as she slams the door shut.

Nothing but the patter of rain on the windows can be heard for a long time. Jesse isn’t looking at me. His face is turned downwards and his shoulders are slumping. I don’t like it. I have a bad feeling about what he’s about to say. I should grab him and kiss him and make him tell her to leave, but I already know he’s not going to.

“Adam,” he says in a low voice, like a priest telling a person that a loved one has died. “If I make her leave, she’ll know that I’ve been involved with you. Why did you have to tell her you’re gay?”

“You can’t be serious,” I say.

“Jesse,” I whisper when he doesn’t answer.

“I’m sorry, Adam. Please, just for a few days. Josh went somewhere for spring break so Chester’s by himself downstairs.

I’m sure he won’t mind –”

“What the fuck, Jesse? Are you serious?” I shout with tears sprouting in my eyes. I sound strong and confident, but I’m shattering on the inside. I close the space between us in two long strides and grab his shoulders. “Are you seriously going to sleep with her?”

I force his chin up so that he’s looking at me.

“It’ll happen eventually, so it doesn’t really matter.”

“Doesn’t really matter? It matters to me, you idiot! How can you do this to me?” I jerk his shoulders in my clasping grip as I speak. This isn’t happening. This is the worst nightmare of my life and it isn’t real. “How can you do this when you know how much I love you, Jesse?”

Jesse takes a few deep breaths before he answers in a calm voice. “Adam, you knew all along that I had a girlfriend that I was going to marry. I’ve told you a hundred times. This shouldn’t be a shock to you.” His voice is stronger, growing louder with each
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sentence.

“But you said you two weren’t having sex.”

“Up until New Year’s you thought that we had, so what damn difference does it make?” He shouts back at me, his face scrunched up with pain in his beautiful eyes.

He has shouted at me many times, but it has never stung so badly before. The ache in my chest is killing me. It pierces so badly that it stings my eyes and I feel warm tears trickle down my face.

I grab his hand and press it to my mouth. “Jesse, please.
Please
.

Do I mean nothing to you? Does what we do every day mean nothing to you?”

“It’s just sex, Adam,” Jesse replies without looking at me after what seems like forever. He jerks his hand free.

“That’s not true,” I whimper. “If it was true then you wouldn’t kiss me so passionately. You wouldn’t hold me so tightly. You wouldn’t call out my name when we make love.”

“Look, just stop it,” Jesse yells. “Just stop. My fiancé is here and I need time alone with her. When she’s gone we can get back to doing what we were doing, okay? Just deal with it for a few days, would you?”

“Jesse,” I breathe. It’s hard to see his face because my vision is blurry.

“I hate hurting you, but Anne’s made up her mind and it’s happening. It’s like she said, you can witness it or you can leave and I’d rather you weren’t here while it’s happening. That would hurt you even worse.”

“Jesse, don’t do this. Don’t do this to me, please,” I plead, pulling him towards me. He jerks himself free, pushing me backwards as he does, and walks over to the door. My heart shatters.

“Just do me this one favor, Adam, okay?” he says with his back to my face.

“Jesse, do you love me?” I sob, my heart – or what’s left of A Life Without You
149

it – beating like a drum while I wait in anguish for him to answer.

“No,” he says in a low voice. “I have feelings for you, but I don’t love you. I never said I did.”

Then he opens the door and leaves.

No. No, that didn’t just happen. My body is so weak that I fall down to my knees. I rest my palms on the carpet and try to breathe through the pain but the pain is too strong. He chose her after all. He’d rather be with her than me. He doesn’t love me. He never loved me.

I feel so sick I want to throw up. My body is trembling, shaking, convulsing. The lump in my throat is so big that I’m gasping for air, but I cry so hard that it’s hard to get any into my lungs.

“-dam.”

There’s someone in the room, but I can’t see who it is. Someone with small hands. Someone who is holding me. Someone who is whispering in my ear and stroking my hair. It’s not Jesse.

“…jerk! I should go and…” that someone is saying. He’s angry, but his voice is gentle in my ear in between.

There’s another person in the room. Someone wailing, sobbing, crying like a wounded beast. I’ve never heard such sounds of pain before. But then I realize that it’s not just someone; it’s me.

There’s someone outside banging on the door shouting something. It’s not my door though. It’s not even my bed I’m resting in.

“Go away,” someone else yells. Someone who’s in the room.

It sounds like Eric.

I’m so tired, so I close my eyes and go back to sleep.

When I wake up again I’m too weak to move. Eric is sitting on his bed, reading something out loud.

“You better be taking some of this stuff in because my voice is getting hoarse,” he grouches.

I close my eyes again.

I zone in and out, but every time I open my eyes I can’t get myself to move. Eric is always there. His soft voice speaking to me. His gentle fingers washing me. His persistent tone telling me to eat. He feeds me and holds my head so I can drink. I’m vaguely aware of this because I don’t have the strength to stay awake.

“We’re covering chapter six tomorrow, so you better listen,” he says while he scrapes something sharp along my chin. “But you know, just because you’re a zombie doesn’t mean you don’t have to look pretty. A little stubble looks hot as hell on you, but I wouldn’t be a very good friend if I let you go through the degradation of growing a beard.”

I close my eyes.

Water splashes my body. Drops and drops of it. It kind of feels good. There’s someone with me in the shower talking a lot.

“You’re so gonna hate me for doing this when you’re back to your old self, but I’m not exactly enjoying it either, so that makes us even,” Eric mumbles while he washes my body with his warm hands. “Can’t just let you rot in bed, now can I?” I close my eyes
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and let the din of the water lull me back to sleep.

“…chapter eight tomorrow…stay awake because…I’m not gonna let you…It’s so your fault my sex life is ruined…you just snap out of it…need to drink more…proofread…he’ll never forgive me…got the wrong idea…not easy getting you to the bathroom…too heavy…know that you can walk by yourself…

should buy a nurse’s outfit…another assignment…” It phases in and out, but he’s always talking to me and there’s always music in the background, disco, dance music, even rap, and he’s very often singing along with it. Sometimes there’s another voice too that I’ve heard before – someone with a hint of a southern accent who talks just about as much as Eric. They talk about mundane things like music, movies, and fashion, but the talking is constant when that other person is around.

When I finally
do
manage to stay awake for more than a minute it takes me a while to realize where I am. The popped up R&B music certainly isn’t mine. My voice is raspy when I speak.

“Why am I in your room?”

Eric’s sitting on his bed with a pile of books scattered around him. He’s wearing a pair of grey pants and a black sweater. I’ve never seen him dress so normal before since he usually looks like his body’s been whacked by a rainbow, but it looks good on him.

Then I see his powder-pink socks and try to smile.

He watches me for a moment over an issue of Publishers Weekly, a copy I’m sure I haven’t seen before, and sighs while he grabs a tiny remote and turns down the music.

“We’ve been through this before, Adam.”

“Where is Jesse?”

“Not again,” he groans. “Just don’t think about that jerk, okay?”

Again? Have we had this talk before? Why am I in Eric’s room? Where
is
Jesse?

Then it comes rushing to me so fast I almost black out again.

He doesn’t want me anymore. He didn’t choose me.
He doesn’t
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love me.

“Here’s the part where you space out again,” Eric mumbles with his nose in the magazine.

“I-is she gone?” I ask.

Eric glances up from the magazine. Then he snaps it shut and comes over to my bed.

“This is good! Keep talking.”

“Well, is she?” I try to sit up but I have zero strength.

Eric hauls me up and stuffs a bunch of purple and pink pillows behind my back to support me. “Yes, she’s been gone for three weeks now. You’ve been staying with me for a month.” A month?
A month?

“A month?”

I’ve been staying for a month? That means I’ve missed school for a month. Or three weeks, to be precise, since one was spring break.

As if reading my mind, Eric says, “I’ve proofread for you and turned in three of your assignments, so you owe me big time. It’s good that you finished those novels over the holidays or you’d be far behind. You’re still gonna have to work hard to catch up though.”

I get flashbacks of my time here, Eric reading texts for me, always present, always taking care of me.

I exhale. “Seems like I owe you more than big time, Eric.”

“Don’t worry about it, bro, but please,
please
don’t space out again, okay? You’re such a dumbass. You don’t have any insurance so you couldn’t stay at the hospital. I had to force-feed you, wash you, take you to the bathroom. I haven’t had sex for a month! Do you know how hard that is for me? ‘My man’” – he air quotes –

“refuses to come over because you’re here and I can’t go over to his room because of his roommate.”

“You have a boyfriend?”

“We’ve been fucking exclusively since the beginning of this
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semester, but he’s not really a boyfriend because all we ever do is fuck. We don’t even sleep together.”

Looks like I wasn’t the only one keeping secrets. He’s never mentioned his boyfriend before.

Jesse
… How could he be so gentle and loving only to toss me aside? It hurts, but it’s also annoying. In fact, I’d like a good explanation. I’d like to know if he really did go through with what Chirpy had in mind. Did he see me in that state and decide to send her packing? No, Eric said that she left three weeks ago, which means she stayed for a week. I want to march right up to our room and make him tell me that he was lying when he said he didn’t love me. I’ll forgive him everything else if he just tells me he loves me.