Broken (2 page)

“Like me? Like I'm not like everyone else,” I signed. Lisa looked at me blankly. “Right there, you felt different than me. You were confused by my signing,” I said.

“No, I wasn't. I just don't sign. I should learn.”

“Why don't we both stay the same and never talk about this again?” I asked.

“I'm your agent. I also consider myself a family friend. Something about this is not right, Milan.”

I wanted to tell her to get it straight. I was a normal girl. I just had to work a little harder at things. “I'm not ready to be the face of hearing-impaired girls. Not now,” I told her.

“Clients …” Lisa started. I gave her a hug.

“Bye.” I left, looking forward to my coffee. No Noel. Just coffee. I was feeling more than a little down. He knew me. He knew I was a good person.

“Bye, doll. Have a safe drive out,” Raul said.

I woke up right when we were getting off the highway. I couldn't believe I had been double-teamed inadvertently by Lisa and Dimitri. Whatever. No one was going to change me. I knew what it was like before and I liked my life now, so I thought.

Two hours plus had gone by. Dimitri was on his iPad playing Angry Birds. He was truly unbelievable. There was a time we used to play together. If I knew things would be like this, I would have tried harder maybe.

The greenery as we made our way through Montauk, New York, started to remind me of the first time Noel spent the summer with us. His mother had passed away that winter. I guess he had really just come to live with us, but it felt like he was with us forever already. He brought this old Pac-Man portable game with him in the car. It was a little arcade box you could sit on your lap. We took turns playing it on the way out. Right before we got off the highway, it conked out. Then Noel asked Dimitri what he was playing.

“Solitaire,” Dimitri said.

“Let's play something together,” I signed.

“You didn't want to play before,” Dimitri signed.

“No, you didn't want to play Pac-Man,” I signed.

“It's cool,” Noel signed and said.

“Oh! Come on! Deal us in,” I signed.

“Yeah, can we play poker?” Noel signed and said.

Mama was knitting a baby's blanket for our neighbors in SH. It was sort of odd. I hadn't seen her knit very often. Dimitri started dealing three sets of cards on the food tray he had
been using to play solitaire. I was sitting next to Mama. Dimitri and Noel were sitting together. “How do you know when it is done?” I signed.

“I measured the frame of it. So I know about how many rows across I need to make the size I'm looking for,” Mama signed.

“Are you sure you know how to play poker?” Dimitri asked Noel.

“I learned from my grandfather. We used to play for quarters,” Noel signed and said.

“Up the ante and go risky. How about $10 a round, bro?” Dimitri said.

“You have to actually pay the money when you lose. We know how you hate to part with money, D.,” I signed.

“How about you worry about opening that purple purse? Because that's what you'll have to do when you lose,” Dimitri said and signed.

“I'll shuffle next and deal,” Noel said and signed.

“You kids should take turns shuffling and such. And no betting money—that is a bad habit. Come up with something else of value, like winner doesn't have to do their chores for a week,” Mama said and signed.

“What chores? We're on break, Mom,” Dimitri said.

“You still have to keep your room clean and make your bed, young man. Everywhere you go, you should be tidy,” Mama said and signed.

“Noel, you'll learn not to mess up your covers so the bed is easy to make,” Dimitri said.

“If you're making my bed, I'm throwing the covers on the floor,” Noel laughed. Dimitri punched him in the arm. Noel curled his body away from Dimitri. “Just kidding,” Noel laughed.

“Don't worry, I'll do the same and then some,” Dimitri said. Noel crawled his fingers up my neck and then behind my ear.

“Stop.” I held my cards close to my chest. “You just want to see my cards,” I signed.

“No,” he signed.

I can remember it like it was happening today, here and now. I had a Jack of hearts, a Queen of spades, a ten of diamonds, a seven of hearts, and an eight of clubs. What the heck did that mean? I wondered. I tapped Mama, pulling her away from an intense round of knitting. She was fast with the needle. “What should I do?” I showed her my cards. She lifted up the ten, seven, and eight.

“Trade these in,” she said.

I put those on the tray. Dimitri dealt me three more cards. I reached for them, then he put his hand out on top of them. “Getting help from Mom is not fair,” he signed.

“This is my first time playing,” I signed.

“Oh, Dimitri, I'll only help her the first two rounds to get her started. That's fair. She never played before,” Mama signed and said.

“Fine.”

He let my cards free. Noel put two cards in the pile and Dimitri dealt him two more. Then Dimitri traded in two cards and dealt himself two more. I received a Jack of spades and a
Queen of hearts and an Ace of diamonds. I showed Mama. “These two are a pair and these two are a pair.” She put each Jack with each Queen.

“Want to raise the ante to two weeks of chores?” Dimitri asked and signed.

“No,” I signed.

“No,” Noel said and signed.

“Well, if I raise the ante and you both say no, then you fold.”

“Dimitri, be nice. Keep it at one week for now and let everyone get comfortable and relax. We're on break,” Mama said and signed.

“Whatever, this is boring,” Dimitri said. “Show your cards.”

Noel put his down. He had three fives, an Ace of hearts, and a two of diamonds. I put mine down. Then Dimitri slowly revealed his cards, putting them on the tray with the edge closest to him down first. He had all clubs, two, three, four, five, six.

“Who wins?” I asked Mama.

“I believe Dimitri. See, you have two pairs, Noel has three of a kind, and Dimitri has a straight flush,” Mama said and signed.

“Oh, man!” I said and signed.

“Looks like we'll be cleaning Dimitri's room this week,” Noel said and signed.

“Leave a mint on my pillow, bro,” Dimitri said and signed.

“If I win next round, we can call it a wash. Then we each clean our own room,” Noel said and signed.

“Let me see that happen first. You look a little too happy for a loser,” Dimitri said.

We pulled up to the tall steel gates engraved with the letter “M” for “Mercedes.” Grandpapa ran up to the car. Dimitri jumped out and gave him a head nod. “What up?”

“No more
niño
. How are you, Dimitri?” Grandpapa held his arms out wide. Dimitri walked right past Grandpapa. “Where have you been?” Grandpapa asked Dimitri.

“In school,” Dimitri said. It was only a matter of time before Grandpapa would get around to giving me the third degree about why I hadn't seen him and Nana for two years. I couldn't verbalize my hiatus. “I made the dean's list this semester,” Dimitri said.

“That's my boy!” Grandpapa gave Dimitri a high five. Then Grandpapa set his eyes upon me, his only granddaughter. “Ay, how is my beautiful granddaughter?” he asked and signed.

Grandpapa didn't really know sign language that well but he always tried. He was the sweetest Grandpapa ever. So I signed back. “Grandpapa!” I signed. Then I threw my arms around him and squeezed as tight as I could. “I missed you and Nana,” I said and signed. “
Como es Nana?
”

Talking to Grandpapa was funny. He was from Ecuador, and Nana grew up a Southern Baptist, born in the pre-civil rights era. She knew a lot about the world. She and Mama were the best of friends.

I had to string together practically the only Spanish words I had learned last semester. I didn't even know if I was pronouncing them correctly. “Come see, you come see. Why haven't I seen you since two years?” Grandpapa pointed at me.

“I know … I been working.
Trabajo
,” I said.

“
Trabajo? Tu?
No, no.
You no need job
,” he said.

“I do need to work, Grandpapa. All this costs big bucks. I have to pay,” I laughed.

“You silly girl.” I hadn't realized Dimitri was following behind us so closely.

“Why don't you tell him about your modeling?” Dimitri said.

“Modeling? You smart girl. Too smart for model?” Grandpapa shook his head in disapproval. I was surprised Nana hadn't told him. I had sent her a special frame with my first five covers and some of my best ad spreads from U.S. and French magazines. Lisa had it made for me. I couldn't look at it every day. I'd only wonder if it was me. The only me I wanted to look at every day was the girl I saw in the mirror. Only, sometimes, the mirror confused me.

Dimitri brushed past me harshly. He slammed his duffel bag into my shoulder. I nearly fell over. He had a way of blindsiding me.

“Are you okay?” Grandpapa caught me. “Dimitri!” Grandpapa shook his finger to say “No, no.”

Dimitri smiled. “Sorry,” he said.

“Grandpapa, Dimitri needs a place to stay. Can he live with you and Nana? He can't get housing at school.”

“
Ay
!” Grandpapa grabbed Dimitri and hugged him. “Of course my grandson come live with me. What I do in that big apartment, just me and Estelle? You come stay. We have a big room for you.” Grandpapa followed Dimitri upstairs. “Maybe you move in August?” I smiled at Dimitri. It was nearly impossible to tell Grandpapa no.

Mama had redecorated the house the year before the accident.

The paint on the walls reminded me of the ocean. Soft blue-green was the color of the living room and the hallways, and a touch of sun-kissed yellow covered the bathroom walls. Mama and Daddy used to take us to the shore at sunset when we were kids. Back then, Dimitri and I would play together. We'd make sandcastles and play tag. My room was cotton-candy pink. I used to love cotton-candy pink until I discovered that clothes came in a whole palette of fun colors. And the fact that there were dozens of types of pink.

My favorite in the house, though, was the crisp white kitchen. I snuck past the living room, purposefully avoiding Nana for the time being. I remember the first time I had met Grandmother, Mama's mother. Grandmother, Nana, and Mama all sat around the glass-top island and told stories about when Mama and Daddy were little. I was eight. It was one of the best moments ever. When I walked into the kitchen, I remember the scent of Mama's peach cobbler. It was Grandmother's recipe. She wrote it down for me that day. I still had it tucked away in my box of memories of my mother. One day, I had hoped to make it for Noel.

I opened the refrigerator. Edna had come out yesterday to get everything set up. Come to think of it, I hadn't seen her yet. Maybe we could go to town and go grocery shopping. I wanted to learn some new recipes. The country was the only place Mama cooked. I wanted to know how to cook … something—at least a piece of meat or tofu. Got that one from another model I had met at a shoot last fall. He asked me if I liked tofu. I said I'd never had it. He asked if he could take me to this vegetarian place downtown. Had he not looked like he was over 21, I might have considered it.

Dimitri shoved me out of the way so he could stand in front of the refrigerator. “Yo, you know if Edna made any lemonade before she left?” he asked.

“Left? Where did she go?” I asked.

“She didn't tell you? She's gone for two days to visit her friends somewhere in Nassau County,” he said.

Gone? I'd have to go back on Wednesday for Thursday's shoot. Maybe we could cook on Tuesday. “Does today count in the two days?”

“How the hell should I know?” he said.

Well, good luck with the lemonade. I pulled some fudge cookies out of the cabinet. Dimitri passed me by and grabbed two cups from the cabinet in front of me. I guess Grandpapa had put him to work. “Good hunting. Did Dad tell you that Noel graduated last week?” I dropped the carton of cookies I was cradling right onto the floor. “I like those. Pick those up.”

Had he just said what I thought he said? I had dreamed. No, I knew I shouldn't go back to those dreams. My breathing became more and more erratic. Would he be coming home? Why didn't we go to Noel's graduation? He should be coming home! “How do you know this?” I wanted to grab Dimitri by the collar and pull his face close to mine to inspect his eyes. Would they betray him if he was lying? Something feverish was coming over me. “Well?” I insisted.

“What the deal? Don't tell me … you still have a thing for Mr. Rogers.”

Thing? I was growing impatient of his insolence. “How do you know this? Or are you lying?”

“Nah, this is not important enough to lie about. I saw the invitation lying around Dad's office. It came in the mail like a month ago. Then …” He took several gulps of lemonade, then proceeded to fill his cup again until there was no more hand-squeezed lemonade left for anyone else. My leg involuntarily began to twitch. “Just before I left, I saw one of Dad's assistants shredding it.”

I put my hand to my chest. “Why?”

“What?” Dimitri laughed.

I felt so disconnected. What was I supposed to do now? What could I do? The tears were back. They never stayed away for long. They began swelling in my eyes, weighing down my lower lids. A knot was in my heart. Why hadn't I gotten it yet? Daddy would always hurt me just as he would always hate Noel. The air seemed so shallow. I could do nothing. The pain of losing Noel would be permanent. I was out of my league.

“I hate you,” I told Dimitri. For once in all the years since the accident, he had no smart reply, no snide remark, no nasty retort. I had never said such a thing to him. I walked away slowly. My world so silent for the first time in a long time, I felt only the echoes of pain in my heart.