Daydreaming of Silent Deaths (2 page)

I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to scream or cry but I was already crying which brought me back to screaming. I got home and ran upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom. What the hell was I supposed to do? I. Can’t. Get. Him. Out. Of. My. Head.

Opening up the medicine cabinet I took a blade and started cutting my left arm right next to my knuckles. Oh the pain. Finally I could think of something other than
Allen. I could see someone else’s blood dripping, mine. It’s better. This feels a lot better. Relief. Another cut.
Yes.
One more.
Take that Allen.

In that moment my mother busted the door open and saw me. I guess I couldn’t hear her trying to get in; maybe the pain numbed my awareness. I could see her start to tear up. I can’t even imagine what it
must have been like finding me like that. But God, it felt so good. I saw her screaming angrily at me but I wasn’t listening. I was too focused on the fact that for a couple of minutes I was able to numb myself to the pain of seeing Allen die with physical pain. I never thought I would become one of those girls but at the moment, it seemed like I had no choice. I was losing myself. And now my mother has found me and my brother is standing behind her looking at the blood dripping from my wrists. I think he was feeling guilty because he starting crying himself. Maybe he thought it had something to do with what happened this morning or is just sad because he didn’t realize I was going through a bad time I don’t know and I’m not paying attention to what either one of them is saying because the pain has numbed me from it. I’m grateful, because I don’t think I could bear to hear my mother’s angry cries. I don’t think I’d want to hear her wondering where she went wrong. Or hear her blame herself or dad or anything. Because frankly, she will never know the origin of my demons, no one will know what’s going on inside me. The thoughts that make me feel so empty and guilty that led me to self-harm. Because that’s what I just did, I harmed myself. And the crazy thing is, I liked it.
Damn you, Allen. You did this to me.

And just like that I saw him again. Standing in front of me as everything else faded, and then he faded as well.

That morning I got out of bed and headed downstairs. I saw my mom making breakfast like she usually does. I kept waiting for a speech, a confrontment, anything. But she just asked me if I wanted orange juice.
Yes. It was all a bad dream. You’re ok.
I was eating the toast when my brother came in.

“How can you just stand there after what you put us through? After what you did?” He said, hurt.

Oh no.
I checked my wrists and saw the wounds. So it wasn’t a dream, it was real. Why had my mother been so calm? I don’t understand. Had I passed out? The last thing I remember is seeing…
Crap.
Allen. I did that because of him. I need to get that addict out of my head.

“Aurora? Answer me. What the hell was that?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah well so am I.”

And then he grabbed the car keys and went out the door. I forget he has classes Tuesdays in the morning. I’ve been out so much I’m hardly awake when he leaves. After I hear the car go out the driveway my mom turns to me:

“I’ve scheduled an appointment with my friend Melissa, she’s a psychiatrist and she said she’d talk to you. We leave in an hour Aurora, be ready.”

“No!” I screamed

“What?”

“You can’t take me to a psychiatrist, I wont go. And it’s
Kate,
not Aurora.”

“You’re going, that’s final. And your name is Aurora, it’s the name I gave you and it’s the one on your birth certificate.”

“I won’t go mom, you don’t understand.”

“Then help me understand, because you’re right I don’t.”

She started crying again and I could tell I’d hurt her. But I couldn’t tell her the truth about…
him.
I couldn’t. It would hurt her even more.

“TELL ME. Open up to me, I’m your
mother.
” She insisted.

I had to come up with something because knowing my mother she wasn’t giving up. So I decided to tell her about the thing I would’ve hurt myself in the past for. The thing that made me
feel worthless before the drugs, before Allen, before everything.
And I knew she wasn’t going to like it, but she wasn’t going to like the truth more either. So I started crying myself.

“You want to know? Fine. I wish I were beautiful. You know, the kind of beautiful one can’t stop looking at. But I’m so not enough. I just want to be able to look in the mirror and see it. To overcome insecurity. But it’s impossible. Some things are just too much to handle ok? It’s much more than you or anyone could imagine and you just wont get it. People will always judge me, they will always judge me and think I’m just a silly girl but
no one
will ever know the things I feel, think and see. You’re wondering why I don’t open up? Open up for what? To be judged? To have my own mother judge me? I know I’ve made mistakes so just understand that I want to be left alone
.”

She looked me in the eye, dried her tears and said:

“Don’t be ridiculous Aurora, you are beautiful and you know it. Now go get dressed. We’re going.”

I got out of the car and looked at the building. It was painted grey though a bit worn out and had a small door in the corner. As I went in I saw a little girl crying in the waiting room. Her mom was telling her to shut up while she browsed through her phone. I decided to sit in the other part of the room and took out my phone as well.
Then, I put on my headphones. Listening to music always helps me. It reminds me that there’s this big world out there. Places I’ve never been to, and things I’ve yet to experience. My mom wrote my name down, gave the information to the secretary and sat down next to me.

“Melissa will be with you in just a few minutes. Since I’m her friend she’s going to squeeze you in. Now be nice and remember, you have to call her Dr. Stevens.”

“Whatever mom.”

The truth is I appreciated my mother caring but I didn’t think this was going to help. After all I’m never telling anyone about-
him.
I just won’t. I’ll try my best not to lose my mind because I believe that I can. I believe that I will be ok; I have to. If not then I’m already a lost cause. I’m just going to stop thinking for once and listen to the music to calm me down.

I thought I was finally going to get to relax when a tall blonde woman walked out the door. Dr. Stevens.

“Aurora Deveraux
, I’m ready for you.” Then she turned to my mom and said: “Hey Valerie, good to see you.”

“You too Melissa, thanks for the help.”

“Don’t thank me just yet. Come on Aurora.”

“My name is
Kate.
” I told her bitterly.

“Is it? I’m sorry
Kate
then.”

I followed her into a room with a huge leather sofa and a chair in front of it. She told me to sit down and offered me water. After a few minutes of pointless questions, which I strangely answered, she went to get another paper. There was something about her that made me feel like I could talk to her. After all, she was the only one that called me Kate like I asked her to. When she came back she continued with the questions.

“Okay, so why do you insist on being called Kate? Is there something about your name that reminds you of anything that you don’t feel good about?”

I was wrong, she didn’t care that I wanted to be called Kate she just wanted to know why. Dr. Stevens was on to something though… I started calling myself Kate a little after Allen’s death. It probably has something to do with…
Oh my God.
I know why I hate the sound of my own name; I know why I hate being called Aurora. When Allen was laying on the floor screaming… He, he called my name. He called my name as I was running and getting the hell out of there.
That’s why.
I just can’t bear to hear his screams moments before he died, when he saw me running and leaving him behind. I’m an even worse person than I thought I was.

Just like that I started crying, crying really hard.
What you did was unforgivable. You are going to rot in hell.
And again, Allen’s dying image, all the blood, popped into my head. And this time, Dr. Stevens saw my moment of weakness. And she wasn’t going to ignore it.

“Calm down. Take slow breaths. Try to talk to me, tell me how you feel.”

I needed to get her off my tail. I needed her to never bring this up ever again.
Ever.
No one can know. It’s
not going to happen.
So I needed to do something, and I needed to do it fast. I brushed the tears out of my face, I got up and I looked her in the eye.

“You want to know what my life is like, you bitch? Well fine. I'll tell you then. I have more scars than real friends and I only have 3 scars so you get my fucking point. I'm just trying something out and the next thing I know I'm being sent to this fucking place to talk to you. You couldn’t care less; you think of me as ‘troubled'. That’s all you think isn't it? Another silly girl who caved in with more problems than she can count with her own fingers. You think that I’m so fucking messed up I can’t even get a fucking friend to talk to. Maybe I’m being forced in here but no I will not tell you the deep details of my miserable life and what led me to find ways to let my demons out by hurting myself. Because bitch you don’t even care and you know it. The only reason you think you can help me is because some stupid diploma told you so well guess what? You can’t. You can’t because I’m not telling shit to some forty year-old that claims she cares when she doesn’t. What is she paying you anyways? That’s the only reason you’re here. So no, I will not open up to someone who does not give a shit. Maybe after this you can just drop me like everyone else does and move on with your life. But I will always be fucking troubled to you. So don’t give me shit and don’t fucking act like you're not doing it.”

She looked at me in disbelief, but something told me she’d handled worse.

“Whenever you’re ready to talk about it, let me know. I’m here.”

Now she really
was
getting on my nerves. More pretending? I may have tried to hide the truth about Allen but clearly I wasn’t wrong when I said she didn’t care. It’s true, she doesn’t.

We sat in silence until the hour was over and I headed out the door. When I entered the waiting room my mom was talking to the secretary. After she finished we went home.