Destroy You (Destroy #3) (8 page)

Chapter 9

Trent

I tagged Mel on the way down the mountain back into Ellensburg. Jeremy’s family’s cabin was built up in the woods in Cle Elum, not too far out of town. I pulled the van around the back of the bar and had my employees unload the kegs and other bar supplies I took for the wedding.

Mel strutted down the alley, huddled inside her black motorcycle jacket. Her black jeans were tight, ripped in several places around the legs, and tucked inside her usual black combat boots. She wore a small T-shirt, also black, sporting the name of my cousin Jordan’s band, Strip.

Melody would probably have run off to Denver to join his band if my older brother wasn’t their manager. Mel had an impressive set of pipes, and when she sang with Jordan, their voices gathered together in a haunting way. Unfortunately for the band, Mel and my brother Alec had a falling out a couple of years ago and hadn’t spoken since.

Melody headed straight for Jeremy and bumped him with her shoulder. Apparently, they’d struck up some kind of friendship in their Econ class last summer. Seeing them side by side was shocking; the resemblance really was uncanny.

Jeremy was around my height, about six foot two. Melody was pretty tall for a woman at around five foot ten. They both had raven-black hair, although Melody always had a few streaks of color in hers. Today she sported lavender highlights. Their faces were similarly shaped, although Jeremy’s was squarer. They had the same full, bow-shaped lips, but the strangest similarity between them was their eyes. I’d always thought Melody’s eyes were unique, ice-blue with a dark navy ring around the outside, but Jeremy’s eyes were the exact same color.

I leaned down to Toni. “Is it just me or is it weird looking at them?”

“If I didn’t know he was an only child, I’d swear they were twins,” she agreed.

The four of us took the back entrance to get to my apartment, and Toni and Melody started searching through my vast DVD collection to find something to watch. Usually, movie night with Toni was just an excuse to get her to lie next to me, but this time we would probably actually watch the movie.

Jeremy and I moved into the kitchen to make popcorn and grab sodas. “I hope they don’t pick a sappy love story,” he grumbled.

“I don’t have any of those.”

“That’s why I brought my own,” Melody chimed from the other room.

Sighs and giggles erupted in the other room. Jeremy shook his head. “If she tries to make me watch that movie with the guys that become strippers again, I’m going to spam her email with lesbian porn.”

Unfortunately, I’d taken a large drink of my soda right before Jeremy’s announcement and began to choke. “I can’t believe I’m going to ask this, but you don’t like Channing Tatum?”

Jeremy rolled his eyes at me. “Of course I do, but that doesn’t mean I like shit movies.”

“I don’t know what I expected, but you aren’t anything like what I’d imagined,” I said.

Jeremy shrugged. “Sorry, there’s really no gay agenda. No secret program to convert you. I mean you’re hot and all, but…” He got a faraway look in his eyes, and it wasn’t hard to guess who he was picturing. I wasn’t even uncomfortable that he’d said I was hot, because it was obvious he wasn’t interested in me.

I slapped him on the shoulder. “I get it. Whether the person you care about returns your feelings or not, if you have it bad enough, other people just don’t appeal to you. At least that’s how it’s been for me. Toni is pretty hard to move past.”

Jeremy laughed and lowered his voice. “Did she ever tell you we made out?”

My mouth fell open, and I was trying to decide if I should reevaluate my stance on Jeremy being competition for me or not, but he kept talking before I had time to make up my mind.

“It was months before the two of you met. She’d had a fight with Miguel, and I was not getting along with Cameron. We’d just kicked the last person out after the party we threw together.”

He peeked over the counter to make sure Toni wasn’t listening to his disturbing walk down memory lane. I realized I’d liked him better when I thought Toni was safe from him turning his looks and charms her way.

“Anyway, I was fairly trashed, and so was she. I told her I’d never fooled around with a woman.”

“Never?” I interrupted, shocked.

He shook his head. “I just always knew I was attracted to men. You haven’t felt the need to check out guys to make sure you really liked women, have you?”

“Good point. No, I just…I guess I’m just a dumbass. I assumed you’d experimented,” I admitted, a little embarrassed.

“I kissed Becca once, but that doesn’t count because she was trying to rescue me from a bunch of horny sorority girls. Anyway, back to Cameron. Shit, I don’t know. I guess he might be bi. It doesn’t matter, but I’d like to believe he’s bi. It’s better than believing he’s making himself miserable and lying to himself and trying to hide who he is,” Jeremy babbled.

“You lost me, Jer.”

“Right, so Cameron freaks out pretty regularly when he and I start to get close and finds a chick to hook up with. I don’t know if it’s a cover or if he’s actually attracted to women. It really doesn’t matter, I guess, because even if he was hooking up with random guys, either way we aren’t together. It sucks, but that night when I was drunk, I wanted to know if maybe…”

“Maybe?” I pressed.

“I was hoping maybe it could be easier with someone else. I love Toni. She’s beautiful and fucking perfect for me in almost every way. Anyway, we were both sloppy drunk and decided to give it a shot.”

I groaned. “I really don’t want to hear this. It was so much easier believing there never was and never could be anything between the two of you, especially since you’re roommates.”

“There barely was anything between us and never could be again. We kissed. It was hot as hell but did nothing for me. It just confirmed what I already knew. I’m not into chicks. Don’t screw this up with her, because otherwise you’ll be one lucky son of a bitch,” he finished.

“I already know that. What was the point of that story other than to tell me what any idiot could see?” I grumbled.

“I believe it’s always best to start a friendship with as much honesty as possible, plus I’m shit at keeping secrets. If you’re going to be with Toni—”

“I am.”

“Then I’m going to be around. It would be a good idea not to scowl at Becca and Kate when they’re around, too,” Jeremy advised.

“I don’t scowl at them,” I argued.

He paused midway between the kitchen and the living room in my shoebox-sized apartment. “You scowl.”

It was my turn to roll my eyes. “They don’t get her. Not really,” I explained quietly. “She fakes being happy most of the time, and they believe her.”

“No, they don’t. But Toni didn’t push them on their bullshit when they wanted everyone to believe they were okay, and they don’t shove her lies in her face, either. Those girls have secrets. You’ll hurt Toni if you judge them, and when you learn everything, you’ll feel like an ass,” he warned.

My stomach churned at his words. “Toni’s told me a little about both of them. Does she have secrets like Kate and Becca did?”

His eyes narrowed. “Would it change your feelings for her?”

“No, but it might break my heart. I don’t want her to have gone through anything like they did.”

“I wouldn’t tell you if Toni had told me something in confidence, but honestly I don’t know. Her parents are cold and authoritarian, but you’ve already seen that. Miguel treated her like a possession, but again nothing you don’t know.”

“Would you two quit gossiping like schoolgirls and get your asses in here?” Melody interrupted. “I was promised a movie and popcorn. If I don’t get either in the next five minutes, I’m going to go search for other avenues of fun. And I’m dragging this sexy little Latina with me if for no other reason than to spoil your fun, McKenzie.”

I leapt over the couch and pulled Toni away from her. “Mine. Go find a new playmate, Mel.”

Her icy-blue eyes landed on Jeremy, and she batted her lashes. “Looks like it’s you and me, Jeremy.” She paused and studied him. Mel could be oblivious sometimes, and apparently their freaky resemblance hadn’t dawned on her until now. “Wait, when is your birthday and how old are you?”

“December 14, 1990. You?”

“February 15, 1991, but we’re both twenty-five. Well that solves that. I’m about two months younger than you. I guess we aren’t twins separated at birth,” she teased.

“Guess not, but you’re like the girl version of me, so even if I went for women, I don’t think you’d be my type. That would be taking self-love to an entirely new level, but at least now I don’t have to wonder what I’d look like as a chick. I’d be smoking hot.”

Toni rolled her eyes at them. “Now that that is out of the way.” She hit Play on the movie and returned to the couch, where she cuddled up to my side and I wrapped my arm around her. She moved her arm around my chest and occasionally traced the ridges of my muscles with her fingers.

The fire was building between us, but I was fine letting us burn slowly. When we finally came together, the heat might consume us, but I couldn’t think of a better way to go.

“Stay with me tonight,” I whispered.

“I’d like to, but that’s why I won’t.”

“Toni…”

She silenced me by putting her slim finger against my lips. “I’m not running or pushing you away. I’m also not going to let us screw this up by jumping into bed before we have some idea of what this is.”

I put her hand on my chest. “I want to give us a chance and really explore how we feel about each other, but if you aren’t ready yet, we’ll wait.”

Toni shook her head. “You’re my first thought in the morning and usually the theme of my dreams at night.” Her cheeks flushed, and I made a mental note to bring a few of those dreams to life.

“I’m…God, I shouldn’t say this out loud,” she mumbled.

“Never be afraid to tell me how you feel,” I urged.

“I’m falling for you,” she whispered.

I pulled her closer and closed my eyes. “I’ll catch you, because I think I’m already there.”

Chapter 10

Toni

I dropped my keys on the entry table and fought the urge to bang my head against the wall. Why didn’t I stay?

“I have no idea. And yes, you are actually thinking out loud,” Jeremy commented as he walked past.

“There’s something wrong with me,” I muttered.

“That’s obvious. It’s the what that has me stumped,” he shot back.

“Ass.”

“Yes, but I’m a smart ass. After tonight you’ve proved yourself to be a dumbass.”

I dropped down onto the couch and clutched a pillow against my chest. “I just want to know, for sure, before we take that step.”

“Toni, there are some things you can’t know for sure. Look at Cameron and me. There are moments where I can see it in his eyes, where I know beyond a doubt what he feels for me, but he still chooses to run. You’ve got to take today at face value.”

“Okay, I hear you, but does that mean tomorrow you have to take Cameron back if he comes around and decides to jerk you around some more?” I asked, pissed off on his behalf.

Jeremy shook his head. “I don’t have to do anything. I’m not sure what I would do, but
if
I give him another chance, that will probably be his last one. I love the idiot, but I’ve got to start protecting myself. He isn’t ready, and I can’t make him ready.”

“What was it this last time?” I asked. I’d lost track of their ups and downs after what happened with Pratt, the stalker cop who came after Reed and Kate. The reemergence and subsequent murder of Kate’s ex-husband did a number on Cameron as well. Frankly, we were all recovering from some kind of damage from that episode.

“It was something stupid. We were having lunch on campus. Shit, we weren’t touching or anything. I’m not into PDA, you know? Anyway, we were just talking and he saw someone he knew. He froze. It was just a few seconds, but I knew. We finished eating, and he plastered on a fake smile, tossed his arm around the shoulders of the first girl he recognized, and sauntered off whispering in her ear.”

Jeremy slid down on the floor next to the couch and dropped his head into his hands. “It’s not like I go around telling strangers I’m gay. I don’t try to hide it anymore, but I don’t feel the need to tell everyone. I mean, Aiden and Reed don’t go around telling everyone they’re straight. It’s nobody’s business, and if anyone has a problem with it, they can go fuck themselves.”

I leaned over his shoulder and nestled my face into his neck. He was the most amazing man I knew. “You deserve better.”

He ruffled my hair. “I love you too. But I’m not going to let you change the subject. Why are you here with me after Trent practically told you he’s in love with you?”

I opened my mouth to answer, but what was I going to say? The truth was, I had a hard time trusting people. I held myself back and hid my true feelings. Even my best friends only saw what I wanted them to see. I don’t know why I did it. It wasn’t like I had a horrible childhood like Becca or suffered through a traumatic event like Kate had with the death of her parents and an abusive marriage.

There was nothing I could put my finger on. I have nightmares sometimes where I’m hungry, dirty, and alone. I don’t understand them. My parents might be a bit cold and distant, but I’ve always had all of my needs met.

Jeremy stared at me, waiting for an answer.

“I don’t know, Jer. It’s like there is something blocking me from moving forward. Something that makes me feel like I don’t deserve what is right in front of me. I feel like happiness will always be just beyond my reach.”

“That’s all bullshit. I don’t know why you do this to yourself. When are you going to open up and tell someone what haunts you? I don’t think you’ve really dealt with your attack.”

I blinked several times. His words pulled something from deep in my brain.
Attack. Haunted.
I shivered, and images flashed through my mind of an old nightmare I’d never been able to shake off. Jeremy was right about one thing: ever since Kate’s ex attacked me, my childhood nightmares had returned. Not that they’d ever truly left, but I’d managed to suppress them for most of my teenage years.

Not anymore. Now the images were back as strong as they’d been when I was a small child. I could see myself wearing pink, fuzzy, footsie jammies. My hair was in piggy tails, but sleep had pulled at them until they were crooked. I dragged a small, yellow blanket behind me.

A light was on in the living room, and I walked toward it, rubbing sleep out of my eyes. She wasn’t in her bed, and I wanted her. I’m not sure who she was, but I wanted to find her. I was tired and couldn’t go back to sleep unless I saw her.

Loud voices came from the next room, and one of them was hers. She sounded scared, and the other voice was yelling bad words at her. She saw me and shook her head no. I wanted her, but I knew I had to listen to what made her look so scared.

Large boxes were stacked in the corner, just outside of the room. If I hid behind them, I could see her but the loud man couldn’t see me. I tucked myself behind the boxes in time to see him pick up a lamp. It was a heavy one that looked like it was made out of stone.

She put her hands up in front of her face and begged for more time. I’m not sure what she needed time for, but she really wanted more of it. He picked the lamp up higher and hit her with it. One, two, three times. Each time, blood shot out and landed on the man, the ugly couch decorated with brown flowers, and on the fake-wood paneled walls.

I watched as she fell and her eyes stared straight ahead without blinking. I made myself as small as possible and pulled my blanket over my head. That was the moment I’d wake up, in my bed, and usually with the covers over me.

I don’t know why that dream has stuck with me over the years. I’d had that nightmare for as long as I could remember, but the part that disturbed me was it felt real. I’d told my mom about it when I was little, and she’d said I had an active imagination. I know it isn’t true, but every time I had it, I felt like I was missing something or someone.

I cleared my throat. “There’s nothing. I had bad dreams as a kid, one really bad dream, but nothing factual to explain my weirdness.”

Suddenly, I felt restless, like there was a swarm of bees inside my chest buzzing in every direction. I needed to move, to go, somewhere. I needed something.

“Hey, hey,” Jeremy comforted me. “Toni, you’re having a panic attack.”

I couldn’t breathe. I needed to breathe. God, why couldn’t I breathe? It was the memory of that dream. It twisted me up. I tried to snuggle into the arms wrapped around me, but they were the wrong ones. Jeremy smelled wrong; too expensive, like a pine forest after the rain. What I needed was a set of colorful arms and a man that smelled a little like aged oak.

“What can I do?” Jeremy asked.

I was freaking him out, and myself too, but I couldn’t stop the swirling feelings inside me. It’s like I knew something bad was going to happen. I knew it, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I tried to smile at him, but even I could tell it was a weak attempt. I wouldn’t be able to hide this time. I was cracking, but I gave it a try anyway.

“I’m fine,” I lied.

“What is wrong with you fucking girls?” Jeremy shouted. “You think we’re stupid? Like none of us saw through Becca or Kate’s bullshit. You know we all did! And I’ve got news for you, Half-pint, we see through yours, too.”

I started shaking. I wasn’t like them. I wasn’t. They’d lived through hell, but all I had was a shit ex-boyfriend and bad dreams. No, I couldn’t compare myself to them. I knew there was something wrong with me, but unlike them, I didn’t have the battle scars to explain it.

Jeremy stroked my hair. “I’m sorry. Hey, just call him already. I hate to see you like this. You want to be with him, and he wanted to be with you, so stop punishing yourself.”

Was I punishing myself? I was, and I couldn’t say why. I just had a sense that I’d done, or rather not done something important.

I nodded, picked up my phone, and sent a text before I could talk myself out of it.

Me: I need you, now.

Trent: Thank God, I’ll be there in a minute.

Jeremy saw me texting and ripped my phone out of my hands. “Don’t want you trying to change your mind before he gets here.”

He was right. I would have tried to tell him never mind, but I was a freaking mess, and I really did need Trent. I kind of hated myself for it, too.

The heavy thud of motorcycle boots on the front porch signaled Trent’s arrival about five minutes later. I threw open the front door and launched myself into his arms. He laughed at my enthusiasm, but instead of sharing his happiness, I buried my face into his strong chest and let him hold me.

“Hey, Wildcat, what’s this about?”

“It’s stupid,” I muttered against him.

“Anything that makes you shake this hard isn’t stupid,” he chided.

“It’s an old nightmare I used to have as a child. It went away for a long time, but since Kate’s ex attacked me, I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind,” I admitted.

“Maybe it would help if you told us and got it out in the open,” Jeremy suggested.

“Can I think about it? I don’t think I could tell it right now.”

Jeremy walked over to the coatrack and took off his leather jacket. It looked soft as butter and fit his athletic frame perfectly. It gave him a sexy, dangerous edge that, with his blue eyes, would make him irresistible to, well, anyone.

“Since Trent is here, I’m going to go catch Melody’s band. She asked, but I didn’t want to blow you off. And don’t argue with me. I want to get out. I hate sitting around staring at these walls sometimes. I need to start moving forward again.”

I let go of Trent, walked over to Jeremy, and kissed his cheek. “He’s an idiot. I think you’re doing the right thing. You’ve waited long enough.”

“Thanks, Pixie Dust. I’ll be back late,” he said and slipped out the door.

“Pixie Dust?” Trent asked.

I laughed, and it felt good to release the tension that had swamped my body earlier. “Yeah, Jeremy doesn’t have one set nickname for me. It’s usually whatever pops into his head, and usually something that means ‘small’.”

“Well, you are tiny,” Trent agreed.

I narrowed my eyes, and my hands found their way onto my hips. “Maybe you’re just unusually tall.”

“I’m six-two. I’m tall, but not unusually so.” He wanted to laugh at me.

Okay, so I’m short. I’m five foot two with shoes on. Becca is only about two inches taller than me, but she doesn’t get called Bite-size, Pixie Dust, Half-pint, and Short Stack. And those were just the names Jeremy called me this week.

“I like you tiny,” Trent whispered.

The mood changed. There was always something smoldering between us, and like a fool I continued to poke it until I was sure it was a raging inferno. The heat between us pulled me closer, but I was afraid of getting burned. I knew I was driving him crazy, but my instincts to protect myself kept getting in the way.

“Trent,” I whispered. “I…I’m not sure.”

He sighed. “Dammit, Toni. I wish you’d quit jerking me around. You pull me in only to shove me away. I meant what I said. I really care about you, but I can’t take much more of this shit.”

I shook my head over and over until I was slightly dizzy. “No, I don’t mean I’m not sure about you. What I meant to say is I’m not ready. To, um, you know.”

“Are you a virgin, Toni?”

“No, but I’ve only been with Miguel and only a few times.” I winced. I might as well have been a virgin, at least to some guys.

Trent scratched his head. “You guys were together for years, right?”

I shrugged. “Kind of. We’ve been back and forth for years. We didn’t sleep together until after we graduated from high school, and we’d already broken up a few times by then. We’ve spent more time off than on, so yeah, it was only a few times, and none of them were very good.”

“I didn’t come here for sex. I won’t lie and say I hadn’t hoped, but I came here for you. Let me stay with you. Let me hold you tonight, and I promise I’ll try to be good.”

“Do you have some kind of cheat sheet that lists the perfect thing to say to me at the perfect time?” I asked.

The corner of his mouth with the lip ring curved up. “Maybe I’m just perfect for you.”

I studied him while I thought about it. “You just might be right,” I agreed.