Forgotten: a truly gripping psychological thriller (30 page)

Ekachai says my memory will fully come back but I think his confidence is misplaced. Everything else is there so why not this one event? I think it’s probably gone for good and I still can’t decide if that’s a good thing or not.

I’ve not managed to get out of the hotel yet. The journey here was quite tiring even though it was a short flight and a taxi ride into the city and I have everything that I need right here. There’s a restaurant on the roof and I have the money that Penny transferred to me last week so there’s no need to brave the streets and the people just yet. The embassy sent my new passport by courier after our Skype chat last week so there’s no need for me to leave until I’m ready.

I had expected to take an instant dislike to this city. I’d heard and read so much about it and its sleazy reputation and yet it has a strange beauty. From the rooftop restaurant of the hotel I can see the river with its constant traffic of ferries and boats – if I squint, the darkness turns it into a stream of different colours like a neon rainbow. It is appealing in an urban sprawl sort of way and the guidebook that I bought in Chiang Mai recommends quite a few places to see. I’m just a bit scared of being in crowds on my own. I know I need to get out and I know I need to get my confidence back but knowing and doing are two very different things.

January 7th – Bangkok

Shit, that was a rough day! Too many experiences in too short a time I think. I feel really overloaded tonight – but not overwhelmed. There’s a big difference.

I caught the sky train today which was a big deal. I haven’t been on a train since Vietnam and I was dreading the crush of bodies as everybody tried to get a seat. I’d left my trip until rush hour was over and – surprise – the train was practically empty. There was just the obligatory western man with an overly made-up Thai woman. She reminded me of Phet, or of how I imagined Phet to be before she met David.

I think the Grand Palace was a bit over ambitious for my first trip out. It reminded me a bit of the Forbidden City but without the hidden nooks and crannies where I could escape from the crowds. I didn’t stay for long.

I’ve just re-read what I’ve written and I’ve used ‘reminded me’ twice in two paragraphs. I wonder if I’m just testing my memory like wiggling the tip of my tongue against a loose tooth, just to check that it’s still there. Or am I just comparing one experience of travel to another? Who knows?

I saw David on the Kho San Road.

It wasn’t him, of course. But, out of the corner of my eye I saw a man in a bookshop who looked a lot like him. My body made the connection before my brain did and I had to sit down until I could breathe properly again. After that I saw him in a café and on the express river boat on the way back to my hotel. Each sighting was a bit easier, each one left me less panicky but each one made me expect another encounter. It might simply be the sheer numbers of western tourists here – statistically I’m bound to bump into people who remind me of him.

I spent the rest of the evening packing for Cambodia and doing a bit of background reading about Angkor. I can’t wait to see Penny at the airport tomorrow, although I can’t help but wonder how I’ll feel about travelling with somebody else – especially somebody who knows me so well. But it’s only for two weeks and then home.

A new start and a new life.

I wonder if I’ll still see David when I’m back in London.

I wonder if I’ll ever
stop
seeing him.

THE END

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Acknowledgements:

Thanks to Viv for being a fantastic travelling companion. Thanks and apologies to anybody I met on my travels who ended up becoming a minor character in the book. And, finally, thanks to the team at Bloodhound Books for seeing some potential in my writing and to Clare Law for her sympathetic editing.