Holier Than Thou (The Tome of Bill) (7 page)

“And zombies,” I added, remembering the not-so ravenous hordes of the undead the vampire nation liked to use as clerical help.

“They smell bad, but at least they keep their fucking mouths shut...those that have mouths, anyway. That’s more than I can say for most of those assholes.”

Almost as if summoned, a familiar oily voice came onto the line. “Can I help you?”

“Colin?” Sally asked, unable to disguise her dislike for James’s assistant. They apparently had history, but she had never let me in on what that was. If I had to guess, though, I’d say Colin was an ex fuck-buddy gone sour. Of course when it came to Sally, I sort of assumed the same of everyone she knew.

There was nothing but silence on the other end. “Colin, are you still there?”

“Oh I’m here...just waiting for you to address me properly.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Since you’re a little slow on the uptake, as usual, I’ll give you a hint. That’s Regional Coven Master, Colin, prefect for the northeastern United States to you.”

“No fucking way.”

“Oh yes,” he replied eagerly. “James’s promotion left an open spot and I, already knowing and...dare I say...
excelling
at the job, was the natural choice.”

Sally’s nails dug into the arms of her chair as she listened to him gloat. It was probably only a matter of time before she said something that would get us hung up on.

“Congratulations, Coven Master Colin.” I figured it was easier to give him a little mollification. No skin off my teeth as at the end of the day he’d still be an asshole.

Sally’s eyes grew wide and she mouthed, “What the fuck?!”

I gestured for her to relax. My experience in corporate America taught me how to play the game.

“Is that you, Freewill?”

“It is.”

“Always a pleasure,” he replied flatly.

“Likewise. We were hoping to speak to James.” Bantering with Colin was pointless. He disliked Sally and his opinion of me was even lower.

“The First are not at your beck and call, nor do they speak with children. You two really should know the rules, but then again, I guess that’s to be expected.”

“We have a special exception from James and you know it,” Sally spat.

I hit mute. “We do?”

“Uh, yeah. Unlike
you
, I haven’t spent the past month jerking off to anime. Shit is going down and you’re gonna be a part of it whether you like it or not. I talked to James and he agreed that the least they can do is answer the fucking phone for us.”

She had a good point. I’d been avoiding reality while she dealt with it head-on.

“That exception is only to be used in times of emergency.”

“You’re right, Colin,” Sally replied as she unmuted the phone. “So how does our entire fucking coven being wiped out by a bunch of magic-wielding assholes sound to you? Is that emergency enough?”

“Well...”

She turned beet red - quite an accomplishment for someone lacking a heartbeat. “They were trying to kill the Freewill!” she snapped.

There was a pause as Colin no doubt tried to figure out how to stonewall us some more. “Very well. I guess that does count as a potential emergency.”

“Potential...”

“Don’t get your panties in a bunch, Sally, my dear. Assuming you wear them, something I highly doubt...”

I snatched the phone out of the way as her fist came down on the heavy desk, leaving a visible crack in its surface.

“What was that?”

“Nothing,” I replied. “Must be a glitch in the line.”

“I suppose, considering the circumstances, this news should be shared,” he made no attempt to hide his scorn. “Hold while I check to see if James is available to join us.”

“Wait,” I said. “Join us?”

“Of course, Freewill. I am in charge of the wellbeing of your coven now, after all. As this concerns me, it’s only appropriate that I take the lead in investigating this
heinous
crime.” His emphasis indicated that any sorrow he might’ve felt at my plight was only because my attackers hadn’t succeeded.

If this was the new power structure, eternal life would be a very long time indeed.

* * *

Colin took a good long while. Sally passed the time with a string of angry insults as to what a fucktard he was. It was highly amusing to listen to her vent about someone who wasn’t me for a change.

Finally, just when I was starting to suspect we’d been purposely forgotten, we were taken off hold.

“Hello, Sally, are you still there?” James asked from the speakerphone. Hearing him, I immediately felt a little better. In a world populated by backbiting, supernatural assholes, James was one of the few exceptions. He wasn’t exactly a saint - I had once seen him tear through a gang of street thugs like they were made of tissue paper - but he had always been cool to me.

“James it’s...”

Colin’s greasy voice cut her off. “Eh hem! Please rise to show respect for the Wanderer, bold explorer of the shadows and esteemed member of the First Coven.”

Rise? What a fucking douchebag.

“All glory to the First!” No doubt his lips were nice and puckered up for James’s ass. “His eminence is recognized.”

“Thank you, Colin, I’m sure,” James replied dryly. It was painfully obvious that his tolerance for his former aide was limited. There was more than one reason I liked him.

“Are we done yet?” Sally asked. “Because we have...”

“The children shall not speak until the First addresses them to do so!” Colin snapped.

Motherfucker! The guy probably had the rules tattooed to his eyelids, although surely part of it was because he disliked us.

“Colin, please,” James’s tone showed his restraint was barely hanging on. “I think we can suspend protocol for the Freewill.”

“Very well, my lord.” Though Colin’s words were entirely subservient, there was an undertone of
fuck-you
to his tone.

“Thank you,” James replied flatly before addressing us. “I apologize for not answering earlier...”

“The First need never apologize to...”

“Colin, please!” James’s voice had an edge this time. That finally shut up the little ass-kisser. The silence hung in the air for several seconds.

“Sally, my dear, please forgive me. My new duties, combined with our combat preparations, have, alas, taken up a great deal of my time.”

“I can understand,” she replied with a smile on her face. No doubt her expression was at the fact that Colin was probably seething at that moment.

“I’m not being flippant when I say I truly doubt that.”

“Anything we can help with?” I asked, immediately realizing how stupid it probably sounded.

James chuckled. “Thank you, Dr. Death.” At the time I was turned, Jeff had a dumbass rule in place that called for all members to adopt new code names, for lack of a better word, hence why coven members had names like Starlight and Dread Stalker. Dr. Death had been mine.

What can I say? I was under a bit of a pressure at the time. Although the rule, like Jeff, was long gone, a few people had grown fond of my dopey moniker and continued to use it.

“I think I can handle things,” James continued. “Although it
is
an interesting coincidence that you called. I was just compiling a database of special vampires, yourself being at the top of that list.”

Now it was Sally’s turn to chuckle. She hit mute just long enough to ask me, “Should I buy you a helmet?”

“Fuck you.”

“Excuse me?” James asked.

Goddamn it!
She had unmuted us. “Err, sorry. Must be static in the line. What do you mean special vampires?”

“Exactly that. Vampires with powers outside of the norm.”

“I thought I was the only Freewill.” I had been under the impression that I was the only one for at least half a millennia. A brief glimmer of hope flickered within me. If there were others, then perhaps the prophesies wouldn’t apply to me.

“You are, so far as we know,” James replied, pouring ice water on my small tinder of wishful thinking. “But just because you are the sole being of legend doesn’t mean that other vampire
anomalies
don’t exist. I’m compiling a list of their abilities in preparation for the coming conflict. It could prove useful.”

“Really? Like what?”

“Well...ah, I have an example you might recognize. Surely you remember Gansetseg.” It sounded as if he had a smirk on his face.

“Gan is special, all right,” I growled.

“Quite so,” he ignored my snark. “Gansetseg was turned when she was still a pre-teen. Her body became forever locked in the state she was in at the time.

“So?”

“So, she is in a perpetual state of puberty.”

“So her superpower is being hormonally imbalanced?” Sally asked.

“Partially. One of the side effects is that her body chemistry is hyper-accelerated compared to other vampires her age.”

My eyes opened wide. “Speed.”

“I see you noticed,” James replied.

I had seen her in action during her
vacation
to New York when she followed me from her home in China thanks to a case of misguided puppy love. She was capable of moving at speeds that rendered her but a blur to even vampire eyes. At the time, she was one of the older vampires I had been exposed to, at a ripe old three hundred years, so it just appeared to be her greater powers. With a little more experience under my belt, though, I now realized she moved more like a vamp twice her age - with the added benefit of having the size and flexibility of a child.

“That’s just great,” Sally remarked. “Will probably do wonders for her humility.”

“That, combined with her status in Asia, makes her quite indispensable to our cause.” James paused for a moment. “But I’m sure you didn’t call for this meeting just to ask me how things were going. Am I correct?”

“Colin didn’t fill you in?” Somehow I wasn’t surprised.

“I’m not your messenger boy, child,” he said. Damn, I had almost forgotten the prick was still on the call, but it served as a reminder to watch my words. James could probably be counted on to be discreet, but Colin could only be trusted to fuck us over as quickly as was vampirically possible.

“Colin...” James’s threat hung in the air.

“You’re right, James,” Sally said, swerving us back on track. “We had a bit of a night.”

“Care to elaborate?”

“There was an incident at the loft...”

“An incident?” I interrupted. “The entire building was wiped the fuck out.”

“Thanks, Bill,” she sighed. “I was getting to that.”

* * *

We explained the situation to James. Well, okay,
Sally
explained while I interrupted whenever she downplayed the situation too much. Most vamps are emotionally unaffected by mass carnage, but
c’mon
! Sure, my coven were mostly douchebags, most of whom I wouldn’t miss - hell I was pretty much over it - but what happened should have warranted at least a modicum of outrage.

Sally stuck mostly to the facts, not elaborating unless pressed. She was probably hoping we’d be taken at face value. Sadly, being a wage slave, I knew what it was like to be grilled by upper management. If I was sure of one thing, it was that the hard questions were still to come.

I knew it would probably be unwise to flat out lie. I was considered special in the vampire community, but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t come up with some appropriate punishment to make an example of me. It would be even worse for Sally. The elders wouldn’t think twice about dusting her and then pissing on the ashes.

At last, she finished with her account and then came the anticipated Q&A.

“Are you sure it was the mages who did this?” James asked.

“We didn’t see them,” Sally admitted, “but the green fire was definitely not natural.”

“No doubt. I just find it odd.”

“I don’t,” I said. “They haven’t really gotten over wanting me dead.”

“I had thought, based on your associations up in the Woods of Mourning, you had perhaps come to a measure of peace with them.”

“That was Christy,” I replied. “She’s just one member of that group. The rest...well, not so much. If we hadn’t been under a state of truce up there, I don’t doubt they would’ve tried to blast the shit out of me.”

“Thank you for the colorful observation, Dr. Death. Still, the Magi’s feud is known to be primarily with you, not vampire kind in general.”

“I’m well aware,” I said, an edge to my voice.

“Please know I’m not trying to downplay this,” James said in a conciliatory tone. “Even so, personal vendettas are considered exactly that - personal. If a force attacks us en masse, we respond in kind. However, a lone vampire...”

“I get it. We’re expected to deal with our own crap.”

“In a word, precisely.”

“But they didn’t go after just me.”

“I know and, assuming it was them, that’s troubling. A skilled Magi is more like a surgeon than a child with a hammer. Such an act of...
terrorism
...is unlike them.”

“Know anyone else who can level a building full of vampires in the middle of Manhattan while keeping it hidden from everyone more than twenty feet away?”

“Some entities come to mind, but none who have any motive.”

That was a scary thought, although it wasn’t particularly surprising. I had seen enough in Canada not to be overly shocked should Godzilla, Mothra, and the Old Ones rise out of the East River and start smashing shit. It was nearly terrifying to know that as powerful as vampires are, there were beings out there to whom we’re little more than bugs.

“The thing is,” James continued, “the Magi have already indicated they prefer to remain neutral in the coming conflict. They have no love of us, but likewise, they have never counted the Alma as allies...nor do I see that changing. The Alma aren’t particularly fond of anything in human guise, vampire or otherwise.”

“Yet, despite all that, we have a brand new parking lot only a few blocks away.”

“I don’t dispute that. I’m just trying to find sense in the motives here.”

“They have that stupid prophesy of theirs,” Sally commented.

“We’re aware of that. The logic of their reasoning is dubious at best, unless perhaps they are, for some reason, convinced that the rise of the Icon is imminent.”