Read How to Beat Up Anybody Online
Authors: Judah Friedlander
How to Beat Up Anybody (4 page)
“Nutrition” is a fancy word for “eating.”
Eating food is important for a fighter
. It gives you energy, and
you need energy to fight
. The more you eat, the more energy you will have. That’s why
I always eat as much as I can
. And you should too.
When you’re traveling, eating healthy can be difficult and it’s often expensive. That’s why I go to all-you-can-eat buffets. The price is great and the food is top-quality. And because the food is on display, you can inspect it before you eat it. It’s
important to know what you put in your body
.
When I’m at home, I like to cook for myself. This way, I have
total control
over the ingredients and what I put into my body. The meal-making and eating techniques I’m about to show you
will fuel you into a better fighter
.
HERE’S MY OWN SPECIAL RECIPE FOR A LOW-CARB BREAKFAST BAGEL SANDWICH.
BREAKFAST IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY BESIDES LUNCH AND DINNER.
THIS BAGEL SEPARATION MOVE IS PERFECT TRAINING FOR DE-SCROTUMIZING A MALE OPPONENT.
Grab the bagel firmly with 4 fingers on top and your thumb on the bottom. Then rip it in half. Using this technique, it takes about 2 seconds to rip the bagel in half.
Ripping off a scrotum from an opponent’s body could take up to 20 minutes
. I’ve never descrotumized someone, because it’s disgusting.
But one time, I scared my opponent so much, he voluntarily de-scrotumized himself
.
SCOOP OUT THE DOUGH TO MAKE IT LOW IN CARBOHYDRATES.
SAVE THE SCOOPED-OUT DOUGH AND ROLL IT INTO LITTLE BALLS FOR SNACKS LATER. THEY NEVER GO STALE.
PLACE THE BOTTOM HALF OF THE BAGEL ON A PAPER PLATE AND STACK 3 BLOCKS OF CREAM CHEESE ON TOP.
I USE WHOLE BLOCKS OF CHEESE BECAUSE IT’S EASIER AND LESS MESSY THAN HAVING TO SPREAD THE CHEESE ON WITH A KNIFE.
PUT A WHOLE WHITEFISH ON TOP OF THE CREAM CHEESE.
DO NOT DEBONE THE FISH. EAT THE WHOLE FISH, ESPECIALLY THE HEAD, BECAUSE IT CONTAINS FISH BRAINS.
By eating fish brains, you absorb some of their smarts and can become smart underwater. Fish have the rare ability to think coherently underwater. Top scientists in the world are smart on land, but underwater, they’re flailing morons.
ADD AMERICAN CHEESE.
LAY THE SLICES DOWN VERY CAREFULLY, MAKING SURE THE CORRECT SIDE IS FACING UP.
American cheese is the best in the world. That’s why some other countries don’t like America. It’s not because of America’s arrogance, power, or politics. They’re just jealous of our cheese. America needs to share its cheese, and then there will be world peace.
Place the lox with your left hand, and use your right hand for balance. The lox seals the American cheese to the whitefish. I wear sweatpants when I cook. It keeps me loose.
MAKE SURE THE TAIL OF THE WHITEFISH IS POINTING UP. THAT MEANS IT’S FRESH.
IF IT’S POINTING DOWN, DON’T EAT IT. THIS LOW-CARB BREAKFAST SANDWICH IS NOW COMPLETE.
You can now enjoy this
delicious
breakfast sandwich that will make you a smarter and
more powerful underwater fighter
,
all while keeping your carb intake minimal
. And it will reboot the hydraulics of your blood system. I know a lot about eating. That’s why over 40 malls in America have food courts named after me. As well as 2 in Canada and 3 in Rhode Island.
The next recipe I’m going to show you is my best. For 2 reasons: it’s delicious, and it’ll help make you the best fighter you can be. It is called the
Homemade World Champion Pizza Sandwich. Everyone likes pizza
. And it turns out, new studies say it’s healthier than previously thought.
Like cheese, pizza is one the healthiest food groups
.
With simple easy-to-follow directions.
Step 1: Call up a pizza place and have them deliver a pizza.
I MEET THE PIZZA DELIVERY GUY ON MY ROOFTOP DRIVEWAY.
I HAVE A SPACIOUS DRIVEWAY SO THAT I HAVE ENOUGH ROOM TO PARK MY INVISIBLE SPACESHIP. AS WELL AS SOME OF MY BACKUP CARS.
You never know who’s coming to deliver a pizza. So you must treat him as a potential threat.
I make him hold the pizza, so that both of his arms are occupied and he cannot attack me.
For security reasons,
I do not let the pizza delivery guy come to my door
. I check him out, make sure he’s not a dangerous scumbag. I stand 30 feet away from the delivery guy’s car. He could have buddies with weapons hiding in there.
He could be hiding a gun in the pizza box
.
He might work at the pizza place as a decoy to break into people’s homes and commit crimes. Or maybe he’s a criminal who just mugged the real pizza delivery guy, and now he’s plotting to rob my apartment.
Just as I’m about to pay, I decide not to. The pizza place promised to “deliver to my door,” and I will hold them to it. I will pay him at my apartment door, which is a 2-mile walk from my driveway. I decide that the delivery guy is not a threat because he’s wearing shorts. Guys in shorts have no fighting ability. If you’re wearing jeans, and the other guy is wearing shorts—you will win. I give him directions and tell him to meet me at my apartment. We travel separately. I still don’t fully trust him.
I OPEN MY DOOR AND HIDE ONE ARM. IF HE CAN’T SEE MY ARM, HE CAN’T DEFEND AGAINST IT.
I HAVE 2 FRONT DOORS. TO CONFUSE HOME INVADERS. THE DOOR TO MY LEFT IS A TRAP DOOR. IF YOU OPEN IT, YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY DROP 75 FEET INTO QUICKSAND.
Before the above photo was taken, I got to my front door 20 minutes ahead of the pizza guy because I can walk faster than a gazelle can run. I went inside my apartment and waited for him to show up. I heard the doorbell ring, but didn’t open it.
I made him wait
.
As a martial artist, it is you that must always dictate the situation
.
Always look through your security peephole to see who’s at your door before you open it. I don’t have a peephole on my front door. I don’t need it. If someone’s at my front door, I can hear him from behind my door and tell exactly what size he is, if he’s carrying a weapon, his age,
what kind of music he listens to
, if he’s got company, and if he is not a he. I listened and decided it was indeed just the unarmed pizza delivery guy. So I open the door.
As a master of the martial arts, you should be able to hear things as well as you can see them. Your eyes and ears should work identically.
I’M ABOUT TO PAY HIM. I KEEP MY ATTACK OPTIONS OPEN.
MY HEAD IS UPRIGHT, OBSERVING ALL POSSIBLE ANGLES.
My right hand is free
. My left hand is holding the money low, but I can still use it to strike him if necessary. Meanwhile, both his hands are occupied, and he’s bent over looking down at the money. He’s so obsessed with getting the cash, that he has put himself out of good fighting position.
He has no idea the damage I could do to him right now
.
Yet, I know he’s deeply afraid of me
.
I’VE INTIMIDATED HIM SO MUCH, HE’S GONE TEMPORARILY BLIND.
SOMETIMES WHEN PEOPLE LOOK DIRECTLY INTO MY EYES FOR MORE THAN 2 SECONDS, THEY TURN BLIND.
I quickly cured his blindness by re-looking back into his eyes and forcing them to work properly again
.
I go ahead and give him the well-earned tip that he deserves: 7 cents.
The pizza was supposed to be delivered to my door in 30 minutes, but it took him 50 minutes
because of the long walk I made him take
. I had an extra dime in my pocket, but decided he doesn’t deserve it.
He was late
. Other than that he did a good job. Plus, if he holds onto those coins, in 70 years, they might become collectors’ items and may become worth even double what they are today.
It’s important to be generous
.
NOTICE THAT HIS RIGHT ARM IS MISSING. I REMOVED IT. NEXT TIME HE DELIVERS A PIZZA TO ME, HE’LL BE ON TIME.
I ESCORT HIM BACK TO HIS CAR SO THAT I CAN SEE HIM LEAVE MY PROPERTY. THIS ALSO ALLOWS TIME FOR ME TO GIVE HIM A LECTURE ABOUT TARDINESS.
We’re now ready to make the Homemade World Champion Pizza Sandwich. Always order an extra-large pizza. It should be bigger than the box. Extra-large pizza means extra-calories which means extra-power when you punch and kick. It’s time to add our first ingredient. Fresh tuna fish. Right out of the can.
I normally don’t use a can opener. I just use my hands. But here, I’m using one, because that is what you will have to use. Use 15 cans of tuna packed in oil, not water.
Most humans are made of 93% water
. So we got plenty of that. We don’t need more. Plus tuna lives in the ocean,
so there’s already water within the tuna
.
