How To Get Your Heart Broken (10 page)

He picked
me up off the floor; walking the few feet back to the couch and placing me on
his lap with alarming ease. “Neither do I,” he winked.

I squirmed,
extending a victorious smile when he threw me to the other end of the couch
because I started kicking.

“I see you
still haven’t gone to those anger management classes I’ve been suggesting.”

I sent him
a dirty look, frustrated at the lack of effect it had on him.

“So last
night…”

I sighed. I
kind of saw this coming.

“Rachel and
I were just‒”

“Why would
I care?” I quickly returned. I hadn’t expected
that
.

“We were just‒”

I used my
fingers to cover my ears as I immaturely started exclaiming, “La la lah lah la.”

He began
yelling, and it turned into a competition for who could be louder. I wondered
which one of us was more immature. Eventually he shook his head “I’m done,” he
said resignedly.

I slowly
removed my fingers.

“I’m not
interested in her!” He yelled.

I glared.

“Now I’m
done,” he said putting his hands up in surrender. “So…did you know about Julian
and Ash?”

I looked
away. This was the conversation I had expected, but I didn’t want to talk about
it either. I didn’t want anyone to know the truth about how I’d found out.
  

“How’d you
know?”

“I never
said I did.”

“You didn’t
have to.”

I rolled my
eyes.

“Come on,
Elle,” he sighed.

I crossed
my arms stubbornly.

"You
were the only one that didn't seem surprised. How'd you know?"

Before I
could stop myself I was sighing, “You can't tell Julian, or anyone
actually."
 

"I
promise. You can trust me."

I snorted,
and then replied anyway. "I read Ash's diary."
 

"Wow!
You are quite the meddler."

I wanted to
be angry, but I knew he was right.

"How
long have you known?"

"A
while," I replied.

"Why
didn't you tell anyone?"

"Well,
if you’re his brother, how come he didn’t mention anything to you? And why did
you tell me you had a
little
brother?"

He laughed,
“Because I’m ten minutes older.”

“Oh, come
on!” I exclaimed. “I had a whole image in my head.”

“Hey! A lot
can happen in ten minutes,” he said mischievously.

I ignored
him.

He added,
“As far as why I was so clueless about this whole thing, Julian’s not much of a
sharer.” He shrugged.

“Runs in
the family,” I said matter-of-factly.

He smiled,
“Touché.”

Like it was
an afterthought he added, “What have I been secretive about? If there’s
something you want to know, you can ask me.”

“I can’t
think of anything
now
.”

“Can I ask
you
something?”

“I guess
that’s fair,” I shrugged.

This time I
knew exactly what was coming. I made a mental note to kill Rachel later.

“Who’s
Ryan?”

“The-X,” I
said automatically, though it was the first time I’d said the words out loud.

“Oh…can I
ask what happened?”

“You just
did.”

He smiled,
“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

I sighed. “The
night of our graduation, I caught him in
my
bed with another girl.”

He just
kept staring at me, so I continued on.

“It sucks
because I’ve known him since we were ten. We used to be really good friends. I
think that’s what I hated losing the most.” I did not know why I said as much
as I did, or why I even agreed to answer his question, but by the time I
started to regret it, it was too late.

"So,
do you want me to beat him up for you?" He asked when I’d finished.

"No
need. I did it myself," I smiled proudly.

He laughed
again, "Of course you did."

"I'm
not angry with him anymore. I sort of think he couldn't help himself," I
said with a small laugh.

"We’re
not all like that."

“Are you
saying that you’ve never cheated on a girl before?”

“Uhh…”

“That’s my question!”
I smiled, “Be honest.”

“…No, I’m
not saying that. Just that I’m capable of not.”

“Just
because you’re
capable
of something
doesn’t mean you’re ever going to do it.”

“Wait! What
I mean is that yes, I’ve cheated on a girl before and maybe in your eyes I’m
just as horrible as this Ryan guy. But I
can’t
believe he cheated on
you
because…you’re
too much to lose…I think if you’re with someone that you really care about,
you’re not going to do anything to put your relationship in jeopardy because
it’s not worth it.”

“So you’re
saying…he never loved me.”

“I could be
wrong…look I’ve probably overstepped some boundary here, I shouldn’t‒”

“No…it’s
okay. I think you’re probably right. I’ve been looking for someone to clear
that up for me so…thanks.” I swallowed.

“…Elle.”

“I should
go home.”

We’re Like,
Really
Good at Playing Pretend

ODE TO OUR BELOVED COFFEE TABLE-

I jumped as
I felt Ash peering over my shoulder. “What are you doing?” She asked in a
disapproving tone.

“I thought
we could write it a poem…”

She walked
around the couch and stood over me, her hands on her hips. “You think this is
funny, don’t you?”

I looked
down at the poem Rachel and I had begun on the back of a delivery menu.

“You know
it’s a little funny,” Rachel quipped, “It was literally a gust of wind that
caused that thing to break. And you’re the one that opened the door, after all
those obnoxious lectures about how
we
had
to be careful.”

“Eli!” Ash
exclaimed to me.

I was
trying not to laugh and failing miserably. Our sorry excuse for a coffee table
had finally collapsed. Like a house of cards, just as I’d predicted. It had
practically transformed into a cloud of dust, still sitting in the middle of
the living room, somehow looking equally as pitiful as it did when it was
standing. I couldn’t say I was sad to see the thing go.

“You guys
think this is funny but I’ll have you know that that table wasn’t just for
aesthetic purposes‒”

Rachel
snorted, and we both burst into another fit of laughter.

“My
grandfather was really superstitious,” she yelled over us.

“He said
bad things would happen if that table ever broke. I hope you guys are
prepared,” she warned, bending over with a dust pan to clean up all of the wood
shavings on the carpet.

“Oh heavens!”
Rachel exclaimed, feigning a look of horror.

Ashton
walked past me; the dust she had just picked up clouded the air in front of me
and I began coughing.

“Look,
Eli’s dying already,” Rachel laughed.

---
                    

At some
point after yesterday’s conversation, I had decided it would be a good idea to
come clean to Jessie.

I felt like
I owed him that, because in some way he had opened my eyes to a truth that I
had been afraid to face. I was not too big a person to admit that I had been
wrong about him. I realized that Jessie wasn’t Ryan, that he was someone
better.
Someone that maybe didn’t
deserve any of the screwed up karma Rachel and I had decided to dump on him.

I wanted to
end this before it was too late. But for whatever reason, I couldn’t muster up
the courage to walk next door and tell him the truth. I’d been sitting in my
room all day willing myself to get up. I was already prepared to stop trying to
be a better person and surrender to the guilt when the bell contested my
decision. Whatever happened to
saved
by
the bell?
 

I dragged
my feet down the stairs, already knowing who would be at the door.
 

I couldn’t
seem to mask the dread that possessed my features. Jessie. Just the person I
wanted to see.

“Good
morning,” he said cheerfully. But something in his eyes gave him away; I could
tell he was anxious to see how I would act after last night.
 

“Look,
about yesterday, can we just-”

“Pretend it
never happened? Right…okay.”

“Thanks,” I
smiled, ignoring the disappointed look on his face.

“There’s
still something I need to tell you.” I said slowly.

But then I
thought,
‘What if I’m overreacting?
’

Maybe he
wouldn’t really care as much as I thought he would. It’s not like he had made
some sort of a commitment to me or Rachel. Rachel. I hadn’t told her I was
quitting. I’m not sure why, maybe I was afraid she would change my mind.
As if that would be hard.

I pushed
him out of the house and closed the door behind me.

He nodded.
“What’s on your mind?”

I started
fidgeting, which frustrated me even more. I walked off the porch and onto the
sand as he followed reluctantly.

This was
the moment of truth, literally. I wanted so badly to just blurt it out and get
it over with. I stopped walking and turned towards him.

“Jessie,
you’re….a good person…I never expected that.”

He stared
at me in confusion.

“Look,” I
said, trying to put some measure of confidence into my words. “I did something
really awful and I wish I could take it back but I can’t. So I’m just going to
tell you. When I-”

He used his
fingers to cover his ears and started screaming, “La la la la I can’t hear
you!!!!!!” at the top of his lungs, just like I had done the day before.

I stared at
him in bewilderment, waiting for him to stop.
 

Eventually
he did. “Don’t tell me, okay?”

It was my
turn to stare in confusion. “What? But‒”

“No. No
buts. I don’t want to know.
Please
don’t tell me.”

He gave me
this disapproving look when I tried to argue. I protested halfheartedly, it
wasn’t like I
wanted
to tell him
anyway.

“But you
don’t even know what I was going to say,” I said, already having resigned.

“I get this
feeling that it’s nothing good. So, I don’t want to know. Just…pretend it never
happened, okay?”

“Okay?” I
meant to say in agreement, though it came out more like a question.

“Okay,” he
smiled. “Ice cream?”

I smiled
reluctantly.

---

I laughed
uncontrollably as I watched Jessie trip and ruin some elaborate sandcastle a
middle‒aged woman had built. The look on her face was of pure fury, she
was five shades of red, her face almost matching the color of her hair. I could
have sworn I saw steam coming out of her ears.

It’s what
he deserved for trying so hard to be “cool”. He was showing off just like a
bird would flaunt its plumage to attract a mate. Only he failed, miserably. I
laughed so hard I was on the ground along with my now sand-coated chocolate ice
cream.
 

I barely
cared. He walked back, or rather, ran back, scratching his head and quickly
trying to get away from the woman.

“It wasn’t
that
funny,” he smiled when he reached
me.

I shook my
head, realizing I was laughing so hard I was crying.

He kneeled
next to me, an amused look on his face. He used his thumb to wipe a tear off my
cheek, in a quick motion that would make anyone think he’d done it a million
times before. For me, it took all of the humor out of the situation. I stared
down at my ice cream. I sighed, finally able to grieve the loss. He gave me a
strange look.

“Aren’t you
gonna offer to buy me more ice cream?” I smiled sweetly.

He stared
at me like I had two heads, “Why would I do that?”

I rolled my
eyes and looked back at my ice cream knowing, rationally, that I wouldn’t be
able to wipe the sand off, but still considering it.

He seemed
to be trying really hard not to laugh. “I think you’ve had enough, that thing
was taller then you.”

I glared,
pinching his arm in childish anger.

“That
hurt!” He exclaimed.

“It was
supposed to,” I returned in a taunting voice.
 

He sighed
and rolled his eyes before standing up. I stayed where I was, pointedly
ignoring him. He came back seconds later with an ice cream cone, three scoops
of chocolate tall, just like the one I had before.

 
I looked up, smiling at the cone he was
holding in front of me. I reached for it, but just before it was in my hand he
pulled it away. I frowned, standing up, willing to fight for it. He raised it
high so that I had to jump for it, and I probably looked ridiculous jumping up
and down, trying to reach the cone without destroying it. The more annoyed I
became the more fun he had. Finally, I resorted to crossing my arms and
pouting.

He laughed,
“As my dad always says, nothing in life is free.”

“What do
you want?” I asked cautiously.

“Oh, you
know what I want,” he said suggestively.

I watched
the cone sadly, willing it not to melt. He rolled his eyes again, holding it
out towards me. I made sure to snatch it quickly before he pulled it away
again. I smiled gleefully at the cone.

---

"Where
have you been all day?"

I looked up
to find Rachel leaning on my door frame. I hadn't realized how much time had
passed on the boardwalk.

I shrugged
nonchalantly, "Out."

"Huh,"
she replied before coming in.

"What'd
you do?"

"Just,
beachy stuff. Walked, ate ice cream, normal stuff." I shrugged.

"All
by yourself?" She asked innocently.

"No."
I replied curtly.

"Did
you go with Ashton?"

"Nope."
I said, waiting patiently for the question I knew she wanted to ask.

"Did
you go with Jessie?"

"Yes,"
I said, biting the inside of my cheeks.

"Interesting."
 

I nodded,
meeting her gaze fearlessly. She stared at me for a long time, and I wasn’t
sure what she was looking for, but when she finally looked away she seemed
satisfied.

"Well,"
she said, changing the subject. "You said you wanted to hang out; I'm all
yours."

"Oh,
now?" I asked.

"Hey,
I'm a busy girl,” she shrugged, “It's not often that you get a chance like
this."

I rolled my
eyes. “Where do you want to go?" I asked.

"Wherever
the wind takes us," she smiled mischievously, pulling me out of my chair.

---

The wind
took us to a movie.

But that
was apparently too tame for Rachel. And even I couldn't believe that we'd spent
$20 on some stupid romantic comedy. So then the wind whisked us to some sort of
arcade where Rachel beat me at every game and all of the guys couldn't tear
their eyes away from her. And I decided the wind needed to take us far, far
away from those hormonal teenage boys, so then we ended up at this drag racing
place. It was more Rachel's idea than mine. Being the adrenaline junkie she
was, she was very excited about this.

"If
you're too scared to do this, speak now or forever hold your peace."

I rolled my
eyes at her. I wasn't scared, I just wasn't excited.

I could
think of better things to do, like taking a nap.

"
Please
! You’re just scared I’ll beat
you," I said, almost convincingly enough for me to believe it.

She tilted
her head, giving me a look as if to say,
“Are
you sensing a pattern here?”
Then she shook her head and went to climb into
her own car.

We were the
only ones around, except for two or three other cars. All teenage boys,
presumably. Rachel would want to run, or drive, circles around them. Normally I
would say more power to her, but I didn’t really feel like dealing with one of
us dying today.

I stepped
into my own car before looking up at the ceiling of it. "If you’re up
there, please don't let us die tonight, I have this Rocky Road ice cream in the
fridge that I’d really like to finish before I go," I addressed to some
questionable divine being.

I breathed
deeply, shutting my door. The instructor
had
given us a basic safety lesson. Besides, I was no stranger to speed
driving, Ryan used to love racing with random people on the highway. It was a
miracle neither of us died. He was an idiot.

I turned
the car on, cautiously. I decided to start out slow; something I thought was a
sensible tactic. Rachel was not thinking the same thing, by the time I had
pushed my speed to thirty she had passed me twice. That inspired me to really
push it, all the way to forty! All the other cars were driving circles around
me,
but I tried not to let that
bother me. After a few circles I managed to push it to fifty, then fifty-five,
then sixty. That was my limit. Not enough to kill me, but enough to make me not
seem like a total baby.

I was
almost enjoying it. There was this adrenaline rush that didn't allow you to
think about anything else, so that you were forced to forget everything but the
present moment, the current stretch of track rather than some future destination.

I let out a
scream of excitement. I felt such a thrill that I pushed the speed even more. I
stared at the curve ahead, anticipating how exciting the turn would be. I got
so excited that I turned the wheel too much, too soon. And then the car was going
faster than I could think, and I’d probably never been more afraid.