How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure (20 page)

easily or controllable an orgasm is. However, by looking at how women orgasm, from both a biologic perspective and an emotional ¾ To perform

one, you will greatly increase your ability to help her to a satisfying, ¾ To orgasm multiplely

even thrilling, orgasm.

You do her and yourself a disservice by placing so much

ahead if he’s enjoying himself. Ten minutes later—boom! Out of left importance on the act itself, taking away the fun, the pleasure, and field I had my first orgasm. Now I realize it was because I had just the potential thrill. In this way, I agree with Dr. Beverly Whipple, totally relaxed and not been tied to what was supposed to happen. I professor at Rutgers University, president of AASECT, and secretary knew the feel from my hand and vibrator but it was like I needed that of the World Association of Sexology, who says that whatever we do to get the nerve pathways opened up to know what to feel and in this arena should be “a pleasure-oriented sexual experience, not a expect. After that I had them regularly from oral sex.”

goal-oriented experience.” She also believes, and I agree, that no one Another woman related this experience: “My lover and I were has the right to tell another that his or her sexual experiences aren’t spending a stolen afternoon together and I just sort of drifted valid or adequate. We all deserve to experience our own particular mentally as he played with me clitorally. It was a lazy, quiet day and orgasms—however and whenever they occur.

I was so relaxed by what he was doing, and all of a sudden, the orgasm snuck up on me. It was the first time I’d ever had one honestly with a man.” In both cases, these women let go of any A New Approach

expectation or plan and were pleasantly surprised by their orgasms.

Another key that will enable you to help her orgasm is to So how can we approach the almighty orgasm, take away its mythic remember how and why foreplay is so essential to women. As I’ve proportions, and bring it down to its natural size and place? First, mentioned earlier in the book, most women orgasm through manual you have to become aware of the feeling of pressure and then and oral stimulation. Men generally prefer to “wait” until intercourse commit to reducing it. I think the best way to do this is to take a less to come.

goal-oriented approach to making love. The direct result will be that the Big O will lose some of its power. Then—surprise! Often it
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happens in an even more intense way! A less goal-oriented approach According to noted sex therapists and authors Dr. Michael Riskin means being open and spontaneous and resisting the focus on or and Anita Baker-Riskin, most men orgasm in the first three expectation of orgasm. A man, a real estate developer from Houston, minutes of intercourse, but can learn to control their climax for up pointed to his frustration about too much emphasis on orgasm in this to seven minutes. A woman, if she’s going to orgasm, typically way: “With little kids running around our house, it seems like we takes more time to come. However, some women can orgasm

never have enough time to take our time. We have to resort to within three to seven minutes of stimulation.

‘mercy fucks’ when one of us needs something now. But when we have our Saturday night or Sunday morning sex and can play, it is so different, the feel, the connection, and the orgasms.”

If you approach the whole idea of foreplay as a vital component Again, if you have already helped your partner relax, in her mind of sex, not a mere stage before sex (i.e., intercourse), then you may and body, then she is in a much better place to experience an orgasm.

feel more engaged in getting her to where she wants to go instead of A woman lawyer from Pittsburgh told this story: “I had never had an focusing on where you’re wanting to go next. A bartender from New orgasm with a man until my boyfriend at the time, who was this York said, “Yeah, I love it when she comes, like no kidding, I’m a sweet, younger man, went down on me. While he was ‘down there,’

guy, I love results. But the even bigger turn-on for me is getting her I thought, ‘Well, nothing is going to happen.’ Then he said, ‘I just there and knowing I can make my wife feel that good. It is the ride want to do this—I love eating you.’ So I figured, well, let him go that does it for me, not just the finish line.” Again, since most men orgasm before women (we will get to the subject of simultaneous Mother Nature, as your partner seems distant, irritable, or just plain orgasm a bit later in the chapter), it’s up to you to concentrate on her uninterested in sex. By now, I’m sure you all have heard of PMS

first. In other words, though she of course wants you to come, you (premenstrual syndrome), during which some women suffer drastic may need to put her before you. If you incorporate this more mood swings, while others experience no real symptoms. But, altruistic attitude into your whole approach to sex, I guarantee you, a gentlemen, you need to understand that these swings of temperament woman will return the favor in triplicate.

(and sexual readiness) are very much part of her biology. Now, Getting her to that place of no return is 95 percent determination sometimes not being in the mood may be about being tired and and dedication and 5 percent talent. The talent portion is very grumpy, but sometimes it may have an even realer relationship to straightforward and simply requires that you know the topography of where she is in her cycle.

the area and your partner’s likes and dislikes.

The obvious sign of a woman’s cycle is her monthly menses, or period. Between puberty and menopause, healthy women menstruate on a cyclic basis, every twenty-four to thirty-two days. Although Timi ng

most people are aware only of the days of a woman’s menstrual flow (her period), these days are only the most obvious stage in the As I said above, since most women can or are used to orgasming complete reproductive cycle. A cycle begins on the first day of a through oral or manual stimulation, they tend to come before men.

menstrual cycle and ends when the next cycle’s flow starts.

This is not a rule, it’s merely a standard operating procedure that Essentially, the first phase of a woman’s cycle, called the follicular most men and women use when it comes to sex. However, you may phase, lasts up to twelve days, beginning with the first day of her want to consider shaking up this sex formula by asking, “Who wants period. During this time she sheds the lining of her uterus, causing to go first?” You may be pleasantly surprised by what you discover.

bleeding. Most women bleed for three to five days and some For example, a number of women in my seminars put off coming experience cramping—in differing degrees. This is usually a good until they are penetrated. An architect from Dallas said, “The more time for sex for two reasons: (1) If she has an orgasm, she may aroused I get, the more I want him inside of me.” Another seminar alleviate some cramping of the uterus, and (2) there is a very reduced attendee stated, “There are times when I absolutely crave having him chance of her getting pregnant. At the end of this phase, endorphins inside of me. I may have already had an orgasm from being eaten, peak and increased estrogen gives her ample vaginal lubrication. In but I don’t feel complete until he’s inside me.” Another woman said the morning her endorphins are highest.

it more succinctly. “Oh God, sometimes I just grab him and say, Some women and men experience uneasiness about having sex

‘Now, I want you in me now!’“ My point here is twofold. First, while a woman is bleeding. In some cases, this reluctance is related although the exact trigger for the orgasm may be your fingers or your to a taboo that goes back at least to the Old Testament when a lips on her, the feeling or experience of the orgasm extends beyond woman’s blood was considered “unclean” and it was therefore “bad”

that time. Second, for many women it’s your penetration of her that to have sex at this time. Even today, many women prefer to avoid completes the feeling of the orgasm.

having sex during their period because they find it messy or Another aspect of timing that you might want to keep in mind is uncomfortable. Women also worry that men will be turned off by the the very consistent biological fact that women cycle. Sometimes her sight, feel, or smell of blood. Some of the messiness is unavoidable, cycle asserts itself as a wonderful feat of nature, making her want as condoms and blood, in particular, don’t mix well, creating vaginal you unexpectedly and intensely. Other times you may want to curse dryness and possibly causing a tear in the condom. A possible considered are premature ejaculation and ways of staying hard. Later solution is to use
Instead
, a vaginal cup that acts as a diaphragm.

in this chapter I will discuss how men can learn to control these Men have also voiced their worries about it being “all right” or timing issues.

safe to have sex at this time. My advice to you, gentlemen, is this: If you don’t mind, you should encourage her to be open and receptive
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about sex. You may want to tell her that you don’t mind her The definition of premature ejaculation is when a man ejaculates bleeding. Such an attitude can be a wonderful feeling of acceptance.

before he wants to.

One sports marketing executive said, “I don’t care. It’s my wife who thinks it’s awful. I like her body all the time. I am her man twenty-eight days a month.”

Types or Female Orgasms

The next phase is the ovulatory phase, which lasts for three days, between days 13 and 15. This is when she’s in full baby-making mode. An indicator for most women is seeing the egg-white-like In general, most women experience an orgasm in three areas: the mucus in their secretions. An egg moves into one (or two) of her clitoris, vagina, and G-spot. But an orgasm can originate anywhere fallopian tubes, and her cervical mucus thins, making it easier for from the clitoris to the nipples—sometimes even a head massage can sperm to reach the egg. Some experts say women produce more create an orgasm. Women are so connected to their minds that with testosterone in this phase, creating a stronger sex drive in these three the proper arousal techniques, anything may then stimulate the area days.

of orgasm.

The luteal phase takes place in days 16 to 30. If she gets pregnant in the ovulatory phase, this is the time for the fertilized egg to
CLITORAL ORGASM

respond and grow. She produces progesterone, a hormone that The clitoral orgasm is the number one spot for the most common and thickens the uterine lining and inhibits endorphins that would throw often the strongest orgasms in women. Indeed, the majority of off proper fertilization. As you may be familiar, at this time of the women need some form of clitoral stimulation to orgasm. This kind month she may feel irritable because of the cryptic yet real PMS, of stimulation can occur manually, orally, with a dildo or vibrator, or which usually ends with the on flow of bleeding.

during intercourse (see below under “Coital Alignment Technique”).

Now, gentlemen, when it comes to your timing and how it affects Some women like light, soft touches to become aroused, followed by her, I have heard, again and again, cries of frustration. Most of you more intense or fast pressure. Other women prefer to be touched only first learn to orgasm by masturbating, which, of course, is perfectly with soft or only with hard pressure. As always, ask her what she natural. However, because masturbation is all about you, and you likes or watch her touch herself.

know just what to do in order to bring yourself to climax, you tend to Keep in mind that the majority of women come through manual come quickly. Consequently, if you’re used to coming quickly, then or oral stimulation of the clitoris, not penetration. If a woman prefers it’s hard to break the habit when you’re aroused with a woman. The vaginal penetration while being stimulated clitorally, the female-nerve pathways have already been established, and you have to superior position provides the most direct control. (See Chapter Nine consciously learn how to control your timing. Unfortunately, “quick”

for more information regarding positions.)

has become too often confused with “premature,” further offending you guys. In terms of understanding your own timing, things to be with straighter erections use a strong arching-back position
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to attain that same angle.

The clitoris is the only feature of the human body whose function is solely for pleasure.

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G-SPOT ORGASM

Some researchers report that nearly 40 percent of women had I’m assuming, gentlemen, that you remember the guide I provided experienced at least one ejaculation at orgasm, while others found you earlier and can now locate her G-spot. For those of you who a much smaller percentage. (The Kinsey Institute New Report on need a quick refresher, Dr. Beverly Whipple, the woman who coined Sex, 1990)

the term “G-spot,” says you can find this delicious spot by imagining the inside of her vagina as a small clock, with twelve o’clock pointing toward the navel. The G-spot is generally located between
VAGINAL ORGASM

eleven and one o’clock. Unlike the clitoris, which protrudes from its This form of orgasm uses the same nerve pathways as the G-spot, the hood, the G-spot lies above the vaginal walls surrounding the urethra hypogastric and pelvic. Now that you are aware that the clitoris is and is barely noticeable unless a woman is aroused. Dr. Whipple much larger than it appears, its legs extending alongside the vaginal says that one of the most misunderstood facts about the G-spot is that walls, you probably understand that women can experience an it is not in the vaginal wall, but rather can be felt through the vaginal orgasm vaginally.

wall, along the course of the urethra. A second misconception is that This can also occur by contracting the PC muscle during

the G-spot is almost always associated with women ejaculating.

penetration. A rhythmic pulsing motion—either short, quick pulses You can help her locate her G-spot by inserting your finger gently or longer, slower pulses—can stimulate the nerve endings. Women into her vagina and curving it up toward the tummy. She can also do describe this as a very deep, pushing-out style of orgasm.