In Memory (49 page)

“T-Tobias?” I asked, studying the weird design on the door.

A hand touched my shoulder, and I looked up to see Tobias standing there. “I have protected you this night. And I am now free. Thank you.”

“Huh?”

“When they came for you, they had to open my door, so I am now free.”

“Um… that’s good.”

“Perhaps I shall escape my fate.” Tobias gazed off into an invisible distance, “We shall see.” He knelt at my side, hugging me gently. “I only wish I could negate yours instead of buying a few days grace.”

“It’s okay. Thanks for your effort.”

“I will see you again. I promise you.”

“Goodbye, Tobias.”

As I woke up, I did have the slight feeling that I really shouldn’t have. Odd. I fell back asleep after observing it was
4:34
in the morning, and had another dream.

The Prophet was walking along a balance beam. I was sitting high up in a tree fort watching him. The beam was at least twenty feet in the air.

He was keeping almost perfect balance until he turned around and saw me. Then he stumbled, and nearly fell off. I gasped, and hurried to the side of the fort that the beam was connected to.

“Hey! Grab my hand! Watch yourself!” I called, thrusting my hand out to him. “C’mon!”

Slowly, he stepped across the beam, and took my hand.

“I was planning on falling, actually. I’ve done it before.” Said the Prophet as he landed safely on the floor of the tree fort.

“Well, now you’re safe.”

“That’s a matter of opinion, I suppose.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think it is more unsafe to be around you at this point. Since you’re a wanted man and all.”

“Wanted by whom?”

“Me.” He grinned, and the yellow in his eye glimmered.

“What?”

“Good morning.”

I woke up.

This time, I did get up, and began my day. Noah seemed extra cheerful at breakfast this morning. Maybe since I am feeling better he’s feeling less guilty about the whole thing.

School today was normal beyond all reason. Or maybe everything in life just seems normal in comparison to the idea of a crushing fate and whacked-out dreams bursting with metaphors and death and confusion.

I smiled, and was the perfect picture of normalcy. Maybe it’ll make my death worse when it comes as such a shock. I think it’ll be anticlimactic for me, since I know when it’ll happen. For everyone else though… it’ll be such a plot twist.

Noah and I touched for the first time since this weekend today. It was refreshing. His familiar cool dry skin on my own, quick kisses and gentle caresses throughout the day.

“You feel far away from me today.” Noah murmured, as we lay together on his bed. He touched my chest, pressing my heart into
it,
“You have somewhere else on your mind.”

At that moment, I debated on whether or not to just tell him. I didn’t, because I knew it might make it worse.

So I just held him, and when I felt tears falling from my eyes, I didn’t stop them, and he didn’t ask what they were for.

He knows there’s something in those tears.

2 Days, 25 February, Wednesday

How do I justify this writing now? As time ticks on, the writing becomes less precious.

My time with him is much more important than this. I’m going to abandon this book for now.

Dearest Wednesday, I bid you a fond farewell. We’ll never meet again in this life.

1 Day, 26 February, Thursday

I decided to be diligent until the end. I’ll write, even though I could be with him. This is for you.

When we got home, we took photos together. Terra brought home a little
throw-away
camera, and we proceeded to take a ridiculous amount of pictures.

“What? How shall I sit for the photograph?” Noah obviously didn’t quite grasp the idea of spontaneous photo taking.

“Just come here, sit beside me.” I held the camera out at arms length, grinning madly into the ever-staring lens. “Smile! And hope we’re actually in the frame!”

I took a few pictures of just him, and he for me. I got a few really good ones of him with a bunch of daisies. I like the simplicity of daisies for him. They’re so unassuming and pristine.

Then, for the last few, Terra took a few of Noah and I together.
Even the cliché kissing shot.

There were three left on the camera when I thought to take a picture with Terra. She’ll appreciate it when I’m gone, I think.

Or maybe she’ll hate it. I mean, I would understand. A photo just taunts the viewer in the present with the once attainable past.
A glimmer in my eye that will soon be extinguished.

We sat together on the couch, and I could feel her happiness just pouring over me. She had no idea that tomorrow…

I’ll be gone.

Gone.

I don’t want to leave them.

I don’t want to die.

I want to stay with them.

I don’t want to
die!!!

0
Day
s
, 27 February, Friday

As I woke, I felt him in my arms. It’s his birthday. I woke him with kisses, and soft touches. The best kisses so far. He kept smiling into them, and I could feel his happiness on my lips. I feel like a monster, knowing that I’m going to take that happiness away.

Today
was cold. Snow fell all day. W
ond
ered how I was going to die.
T
hought maybe in my sleep, or falling down the stairs.

Everything had me on edge today. I convinced myself so completely that I was going to be killed at any moment. It’s not a pleasant
frame of mind
.

We did have a really nice birthday party for Noah today; Ariel, Julia and Zack all came over for dinner and cake. I’ve never seen Noah so cheerful.

He was so infectiously happy, it just made the rest of us happier for it. Ariel took tons of photos with her
digital
camera, which I thought was good.

I said goodbye more meaningfully to Ariel, Julia, and Zack, making sure to give them all hugs. I didn’t want to let on that I would never see them again, but since I’m out of days… it’s the last time they’ll ever see me alive.

Julia seemed kind of grim, the same kind of attitude as me. Zack was bemused by the hug, but returned it all the same. Ariel was as cheerful as ever, calling out a happy ‘See you Monday!’ as they departed. My heart ached as she called those words, the returning phrase of ‘No, you won’t’ scratching my throat. She mentioned she’d bring the photos on Monday too.
Those photos of all of us, happy and alive.

More memories kept in a tangible form. I hope they bring comfort instead of pain. I am guessing the latter. Which is terrible. But I can’t help thinking that, if Noah was the one to die, those pictures would make me unbearably sad to look at. Posterity is evil. Once these wounds are recorded on the page, they become more real, and cannot be lost in memory.

This blank page is my enemy.

Here is my ally, this pencil, cutting words into the paper, wounding the once clean page with stories of pain.

His story, and mine, must be written, even if the paper is screaming in agony from these beautiful, torturous words.

These scars will remain, remnants and reminders of those memories etched within these pages.

In terms of pain, this pen is mightier than any sword.

Because a sword may inflict pain, but the pen will remember it forever.

The only way to
heal,
is to leave things in memory, where they can erode with time.

In memory.

In memory.

Goodbye.

-1
Days, 28 February, Saturday

I’m alive.

I’m awake.
             

Maybe… maybe I’m not going to die.

I’m so happy I could cry.

Seeing the dawn, the sun, the snow, everything beautiful…

Noah already left to meet his sister. I’m going to meet him.

I’m alive.

In Memory

/end.

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