Mega Millions (3 page)

Josh waved her warning away as he
tried to decide if he should work on the kitchen next, or the
bedroom.

An hour later, Michelle, wearing
her robe, spied on Josh through the foggy, upstairs bathroom
window. She watched as he carried items after item outside, tearing
each apart before moving on to the next. She noticed that the
neighbors were watching, too. "He's made me the laughingstock of
the street!"

Michelle knew something had to be
done. She hesitates only a moment before picking up her cell. She
dialed a number, and someone answered on the third ring.

"Hi Karen," Michelle said. "How
are you?" … "That's great." … "No, I'm not okay. I think my husband
is on drugs." … "Yeah, uh huh." … "Yeah, he looks high as a kite."
… "No, I had no idea. Can you, you know?" … "You can? Great! Thank
you, Karen!" … "Oh, I'm sure one night will do it. Can you send 'em
now?" … "Thanks again. I'll see you tomorrow."

Michelle went downstairs and sat
on the porch steps to wait. Josh continued to run in and out of the
house. Each time he came back outside carrying a new
item.

In and out, Michelle watched Josh,
until finally he stepped from the house staring thoughtfully at the
toaster. He inspected the lever, turned it upside down, shook it,
then with a shrug, tossed it into the grass.

As he was about to go back inside
to liberate another appliance, Michelle reached out and grabbed his
wrist. "Josh," she said, calmly. "Look, I'm not even mad. See? It's
just me, your concerned, loving wife."

Josh narrowed his eyes.

"Seriously," Michelle said. "This
isn't a trap. I'm not going to go nuclear."

Josh smiled. "Wanna help me carry
the dining room table?"

Michelle took a deep breath.
"Please tell me what in God's name you're on."

"On?" Josh's eyes went wide. He
pulled away from Michelle's grasp and began digging through the
soil of a potted plant.

"Obviously you're stoned. So which
is it—Acid? Mushrooms, maybe? God, please don't tell me bath salts.
I'd rather not have you try to eat my face off."

"I'm not high! You'll
see."

"It's that spice stuff, the fake
marijuana, ain't it?" Michelle nodded. "Karen says that stuff rots
your brain." She shrugged. "That'd explain a lot
actually"

"Oh, geez, Shelly! Give me a few
more minutes. Just a few more lousy minutes is all I
need."

Michelle stood as a white van
pulled up to the curb in front of their house. "I'm sorry, Josh. Do
you remember that vacation you were talking about? Sun or snow?"
Michelle smiled. "I think its time for
you
to pack
your
bags."

"Yeah, that's the idea…as soon as
I find my ticket." Josh didn't notice the two extremely huge men,
dressed in white scrubs, sneaking up behind him.

To keep Josh distracted, Michelle
asked, "Find what?"

"To find my ti—" Josh's arms were
grabbed from behind. "Ay! What the fuck?"

"Don't fight them. They're going
to take you somewhere to relax."

"No, wait, you don't understand,"
Josh protested as the two men dragged him into the back of the
van.

"Michelle!" Josh
begged.

"You'll be okay. It's just for a
little while."

"No, listen to me!" Josh pressed
his face to the Van's barred back window. "I won, Shelly. I swear!
I have the winning ticket. Well, I mean I did have it. I lost
it."

The two men smiled at Michelle
then climbed into the front seats.

"It'll only be the
night."

"Bullshit!"

Michelle nodded thoughtfully.
"Yeah, Josh, you're right. I think you're gonna need a few days to
cool off."

"Oh, come on, Shelly!" Josh
screamed. "I bought it at the liquor store. Kelly handed me the
change and the ticket. I stuffed it all in my wallet, and then I
went home and got drunk…but now it's gone."

Michelle bit her index finger as
the van slowly pulled away.

Josh yelled, "We have to keep
looking! We have to—" His jaw dropped and his eyes went wide.
"Wallet," he whispered. "Hold up! Stop the goddamn van. Shit! It's
in my wallet! I forgot to check my wallet! Stop the van! My wallet
is on the nightstand, and the ticket it is the wallet. Michelle,
please, tell them to stop I'm not crazy! You hear me? I'm not
crazy!" Josh's voice faded as the van turned the corner.

"My mother was right about him,"
Michelle said to herself.

Michelle sat on the loveseat as
Mrs. Tricia, the next door neighbor, came over to greet her. She
was the same old woman that had been standing behind Josh at the
liquor store when he had purchased his ticket.

"What was all that about, dear?"
Mrs. Tricia asked.

"Oh nothing, Mrs. Tricia. Josh's
on his way to Spring Grove."

"The mental institution? Oh
my."

"Yeah. I work there, you
know."

"I didn't."

"Nothing fancy. It's not much more
than an administrative assistant position. The job does have its
perks though. For instance, if an immediate family member suffers a
mental breakdown, they provide a free three-night stay."

"You're not kidding, are you,
dear?"

"Not at all." Michelle smiled.
"You'd be surprised how often the employees take advantage of the
program."

"I see. Do you need a help getting
your furniture back inside?"

"No, I'll handle it. Thank
you."

"Okay, you have a good night,
dear."

"You too," Michelle said as Mrs.
Tricia walked back toward her house.

Michelle stood again and turned in
a circle, surveying the mess. Sighing, fell back onto the loveseat,
made herself comfortable, and stared at the stars. "Claiming he won
the lotto." She laughed. "Certifiably crazy!"

Michelle had known it would be a
waste of time to linger on Josh's behavior. She realized that it
wasn't even the stupidest thing the man had done in all their years
of marriage. She thought about their history together and laughed
louder at the absurdity. "I must be the one who's nuts," she said,
trying to stifle the hysterical snickering. "Why else would I stay
married to him?"

After the period of reflection,
Michelle pulled the sofa back into the house. Little by little, she
cleaned up the rest of the disaster area, growing angrier as she
uncovered each broken heirloom. "I aught to let the bastard stew
for a good, long while!" She picked up her favorite carousel horse
figurine, which was now broken, and she dropped it into the
trashcan. "Years!"

Though angry, Michelle smiled at
the thought of Josh being carted away, and she remembered the
stark-raving mad look on his face as he spouted the nonsense about
the ticket being in his wallet. "Certifiably crazy!" she said
again.

Though Michelle knew nothing would
be inside Josh's wallet, she decides to have a peek
anyway….

$$$

Josh sat in the
office of Spring Grove's new head doctor, pleading his
case.

"Doc," Josh said. "I think I'm
ready to get out of here."

"Err, okay," the doctor said while
cleaning his glasses. "Please tell me everything."

"My wife Michelle…you know
Michelle, right? Anyway, my wife mistakenly had me committed. She
thought I was on drugs, you see. Doc, let me tell ya, I wasn't. I
just misplaced a very important piece of paper worth millions and
millions of dollars, so it's just a big misunderstanding. This kind
of thing happens all the time, I bet. Besides she told me that I
would only be in here a night or two, but I'm telling ya, it's been
a lot, lot longer. She must be mad at me, or something. I don't
even know why. So you gotta get me outta here, okay?"

"Hmmm," the doctor said biting on
an arm of his glasses. "I'm not so sure we're ready yet, Joshua. It
seems you're still showing signs of, um, a, uh, delusion. This is
based on your…err…." The doctor quickly searches his desk,
scattering papers. He picked up a clipboard. "Ah, here we are," the
doctor said. "Your…err…err…."

Josh cocked his head to the side
and squinted his eyes. "Chart?"

"Chart! Yes, that's it exactly. So
it is abundantly clear to me, looking over this chart, that you're
obviously, uh…you're obviously not ready to return to
society."

"Doc?" Josh bit his bottom
lip.

"Yes, Joshua?"

"You've got the clipboard
upside-down."

The doctor paused for a moment,
then turned the clipboard right-side up, pausing a moment longer.
He seemed to be choosing his words carefully, then finally said,
"That's great, Joshua. I was, uh, testing you. Yes, that's it. It
was a test!"

"Testing me, Doc?"

"Precisely! Now I know that you
are well aware of your surroundings! A good thing, Joshua, a truly
good thing!"

Josh raised his eyebrows. He
didn't like the doctor one bit. Maybe it was his annoyingly loud
voice, or his overly peppy attitude, but something about the man
rubbed him the wrong way. "Thanks," Josh said
sarcastically.

"This new development is very,
very promising!"

"Wait…so you're going to let me
out then?" Josh's heart rate quickened and he wanted to jump up and
shout for joy.

With a huge smile spread across
his rat-like face, the doctor chipperly said, "No way in hell.
You're still very much insane, Joshua. What kind of doctor would I
be if I let out every crazy person just because they asked
nicely?"

Josh shoulder's dropped. He looked
at the calendar on the doctor's desk. "I've been here two months
now," he sighed. "This is bullshit, Doc."

"Wow, two months? Gosh, that's a
long time. I've been here six hours!"

"You just started working at
Spring Grove?"

"Yes, it's a really fantastic
production. I'm extremely lucky have the job. Many others
auditioned but as I'm sure you can tell, my skills are far
superior."

For a moment, Josh thought the
doctor might actually be a mental patient who had snuck into the
office when the staff wasn't paying attention. Josh was sure that
no one would hire a bozo of that magnitude to run a mental
institution.

Josh mumbled, "They wouldn't,
would they?"

"What was the, Joshua?"

"Oh nothing," Josh said. "It is
nice and all that you got the job here. I just want to go home. Can
you tell me when that might be?"

"Hmmm…I'm not so sure about that.
It seems you're still showing signs of, uh, a, um…ah yes,
delusions."

"Doc?" Josh asked, confused.
"You've already said that."

The doctor held up a finger and
rapidly nodded several times. "This is based on
your…err…err…."

"Chart," Josh said,
helpfully.

"Yes," The doctor grinned. "Chart.
Thank you."

Josh swallowed hard. He shook his
head then ran his palms down his face. "I want to go back to my
room now."

"Ah, don't be so bland, Joshua.
Your wife is here to see you. The boys in the white coats will
escort you to the visiting room. I do hope that this gig works out
for me and we can have a chat again. Good day to you,
sir!"

The same two men who had retrieved
Josh at Michelle's request walked into the room and grabbed him out
of the chair.

Josh said to the orderlies, "Easy,
Bruno and Clevis. Just a sec."

One of the large orderly replied,
"Our names are Mike and Tobias."

The other orderly said, "Mr.
Harris, please stop calling us Bruno and Clevis. We have feelings,
too, okay?"

"Yeah," the first one said. "Keep
it up and we'll put you back in the straightjacket."

"Sure, sure whatever," Josh said,
admiring the two men's matching and meticulously groomed unibrows.
He looked toward the doctor and clicked his tongue. "Doc, do I know
you from somewhere? You seem really familiar."

The doctor grinned. "Nope, I don't
think so. I just flew in from California. It's my first time in the
great state of Wisconsin!"

Josh narrowed his eyes. "No. I'm
pretty sure I do."

As the orderlies turned Josh
toward the door, he tried to remember where he had met the doctor
before.

"Your wife is waiting," the doctor
said. "Bruno, Clevis, take him to the visiting room now. Good bye,
Joshua!"

The orderlies looked at each
other, sighed, then picked Josh up by the shoulders and carried him
to the waiting room.

$$$

Josh sat down and
waited for Michelle who was up front at the nurse's station
laughing with her co-worker, Karen. Quickly getting bored, he
decided to strike up a conversation with a few of Spring Grove's
other patients.

"Blah. Blah. Blah-Blah." he said
the woman sitting at the table to his left. The woman didn't seem
to hear him, so he said it again louder. "Blah! Blah!
Blah-Blah!"