Miles From Home (27 page)

“Sam, let’s go into one of the empty rooms so we can talk.”

I shake my head slowly. “No, no, I’m not leaving her. You’ll have to talk to me right here where I can still see her.”

Josh inhales deeply and looks down. “Okay, I understand. I’ve put a call in to Dr. Mirabile, and as soon as I hear from him, we can move her to a room. I’ve asked one of the other ER physicians to take over for me, Dr. Horton. He will let you know what’s going on and what they will be doing. Sam, Maggie has a DNR and a living will. I know you are aware of that, right?” I nod slowly while I stare straight ahead. I’m not sure what Josh is telling me and I’m not sure I care at this point. My whole body is numb and my heart hurts as I watch them work on Maggie’s small fragile body. Josh puts his hand on my shoulder. “I’ve always known she belongs with you, Sam. I loved her with everything I had. But that love could never match what you two shared. I will check on her progress, but I can’t be here right now.” He lowers his head and walks down the hallway.

When the nurse comes out to tell me what floor they will be moving her to, I call Aunt Virginia.

“Sam, is she okay?” she asks, as she answers.

“They are moving her to a room on the second floor, and I’ll let you know once they get her settled. Is Ellie still sleeping?”

“Yes, she’s fine. Please, Sam, let me know as soon as you know something.” I can barely answer her before I end the call and I make my way to the elevator to the second floor. I push the button and begin to pray. I walk to the second-floor nurses’ desk.

“Have they brought Maggie Austin to her room yet?” I ask the nurse. She looks at her computer and points to the room across from the desk. When I see Maggie lying there, I freeze. I can’t seem to breathe and my legs go weak, but I swallow hard and I walk in. The nurse looks at me with compassion in her eyes.

“You must be Mrs. Austin’s husband. You can come in. There’s a recliner next to the bed for you.” She points to it.

“What are they going to do, is she going to be okay?” I whisper.

“The doctor will be in shortly to explain everything, but we have her resting comfortably. We gave her some pain medication which is making her very sleepy.” I nod, looking around at all the machines and pumps that surround her bed. “If you need anything, or if she wakes up, just press the call button. I’m just outside the door at the desk.” She smiles and walks out. I move closer to Maggie and lay my head down next to her hand while I hold it. When I hear footsteps, I look up to see Dr. Mirabile standing at her bedside.

“Sam, how are you?” he asks. I don’t answer while I blankly look at him. He moves closer to me and speaks quietly. “Sam, Maggie is very sick, and her body is shutting down. I wish there was more that we could do, but at this point, keeping her comfortable and pain-free is our main focus.” I continue to hold Maggie’s hand while he tells me that this is the end, the one moment I prayed would never come.

I dial Aunt Virginia’s number as soon as he walks out, and tell her that she needs to call Maggie’s dad and that he needs to come as soon as he can get a flight booked. I lean back in the chair and wipe my eyes as the tears stream down my face. When I wake up I hear Maggie calling my name.

“Sam,” she whispers.

I lean over and caress her cheek. “I’m here, Maggie.” She reaches her hand out for me and I lean over to kiss it. I can tell she wants to talk, but she is just too weak, so she closes her eyes as I rub the back of her hand with my thumb. When my phone vibrates I see that it’s Aunt Virginia.

“Sam, he’s on his way to the airport now. As soon as Ellie is finished eating we will be there. How is she, Sam?”

“She’s in and out. They have her on some strong pain medication. Just come as soon as you can.”

MAGGIE OPENS HER eyes as soon as she hears Ellie’s voice, and I hold her while she leans over to kiss her mom. I can barely hold myself together watching Maggie smile as she reaches up and touches her cheek, my heart shatters as I watch Maggie say goodbye to our daughter. When I see Aunt Virginia standing in the doorway, I decide to take Ellie and walk down the hall to the vending machines so she can spend some time alone with Maggie. As we walk back towards the room, Ellie spots her grandpa walking towards us and she runs to him. He picks her up and holds her tight before walking into Maggie’s room and I find a chair in the waiting room to sit as her dad says his final goodbye.

I raise my head when I hear the three of them coming down the hall. We hug and talk briefly before I go back in. Maggie is awake as I sit next to her bed. I can see that she is struggling to take each breath and I try to keep myself together. When I lean over and kiss her, she smiles.

“I love you so much, Maggie. You’re my sun, my stars, and my moon.” I can feel her hand reach up and touch my hair and she runs her fingers through it slowly. She looks at me, pleading with her eyes . . . to let her go, to tell her it’s okay.

I choke back the tears as I whisper in her ear. “It’s okay, Maggie, you can go. I know you’re ready. Just remember that I’ve loved you since the day I saw you and no one will ever take that away.” I lay my head in her lap as I feel Maggie take her last breath . . . and my world crumbles.

When I finally force myself to leave the hospital, I feel as though I’m leaving my life behind. I slowly walk towards the exit, but then I stop. I try to think where my car is parked, not even remembering where I left it less than twenty-four hours earlier, my mind is in a fog and my body is numb as I climb into my car and drive away.

As I sit in the driveway and look at our house, I can’t bring myself to walk through the door. How can I when I know it’s empty, like my heart? I will never see Maggie trot down the stairs again . . . ever. And that thought alone makes me want to scream. I struggle to keep myself together while I unlock the front door and go in, but then I just stand in the entryway, not knowing what to do with myself. I’m lost and I don’t think I will ever find the person I was. My future has no light, no sunshine, no happiness, and as I walk towards the kitchen, each movement, each step, feels like I’m underwater . . . gasping for one last breath.

I take the bottle of tequila and a glass into my office. Sitting behind my desk, listening to the quiet, I pour myself a drink. At this point, drinking myself to death seems like the most appealing answer, but I know I have to be here for Ellie. Losing her mother is going to be hard enough on her, but losing both of us would destroy her world. I’m thankful that Aunt Virginia has her for the night so I can pull myself together and be there for her. As I take a long and slow drink, I glance down at the bottom drawer of my desk. I know that eventually I need to pull it open and take out the pink notebook Maggie put there, but for now, I’ll just pretend it doesn’t exist. I lean back in my chair and take another drink. When I wake up my phone is ringing, so I switch it off and look over at the empty bottle next to me; it’s a reminder that my heart is now only a shell. I slowly open the drawer, and there on top of the pink notebook is the heart-shaped shell I found on the beach the weekend I proposed. I pull the notebook out, throwing it on the desk as if it’s a poisonous snake, backing my chair away from it, just staring at it. I reach out and touch the cover. I already know what’s inside. I know it’s all there because she told me. Every day Maggie would remind me to read it. I wasn’t ready then and I’m not really ready now, but I force myself to open it. As I flip through the pages, I hold the shell tightly in my hand hoping that it will bring me the comfort I need. In true Maggie-like fashion, she has organized everything, down to the smallest detail. There are reminders of future dental appointments for Ellie, her vaccination records, and her schedule for dance class. There are names of her friends as well as her teacher’s names. Nothing was left out. And when I get halfway through it, I slam it shut. I can’t bring myself to look at the page that says: FUNERAL REQUEST. Standing and pacing the floor of my office, I prepare myself to read Maggie’s wishes. When I flip to the last two pages, it’s just too much for me to take, but I can’t pull my eyes away. I read the first few lines, and it’s a love letter she wrote, dated two months ago. I cradle my head in my hands and let the tears go as I softly speak her name.

IT’S BEEN FIVE years since I said goodbye to Maggie, but not a minute goes by that I don’t think of her. Sometimes I can even smell her perfume while I’m sleeping and I open my eyes to an empty bed. Ellie and I are making it day by day as our broken hearts heal; we have each other to lean on during the sad times. We talk about Maggie often, and Ellie is old enough now that she loves hearing the story of how we met. The first couple of years were the darkest. Everything reminded me of her and sometimes I even thought I could hear her singing upstairs. I still have the pink notebook, and keep it in a safe place, along with the heart-shaped shell. Maybe one day I will show it to Ellie. I’m currently recording my third CD, and I hope to be on tour next year. Ellie is excited about it and she has made it very clear she will be traveling with me. She’s so much like her mother in that aspect that I don’t even bother arguing with her about it. Aunt Virginia is still a big part of our lives. She insists that we come for dinner every Sunday and Ellie still enjoys spending a few nights a month with her. Maggie’s dad is also a big part of Ellie’s life and he visits often, as well as my dad and Karen. About a year ago, Ellie and I were having dinner when we ran into Josh. He introduced me to his new wife, who at that time was expecting a baby at any moment. We briefly talked and went our separate ways.

A year ago I hired a Personal Assistant to help me with my business affairs as well as help me keep all of Ellie’s school and dance activities in order. Her name is Briar. She is so good with Ellie and they’ve become very close, as have I. She has become someone that I can talk to and laugh with, something I never thought I would ever be able to do again. And although Maggie will always live in my heart, Briar fills a space that’s been empty for too long. I’ve asked her to consider traveling with Ellie and me next year. She’s thinking it over. So far, we are only just friends and that’s the way I’d like to keep it . . . for now.

THE END

First and foremost, I would like to thank my family and my amazing husband, who’s never-ending love and encouragement pulled me through those late nights when I was tired, frustrated, and ready to give up on my dream. Thank God you love pizza because you’ve had your fair share of it while I sat in front of my computer at dinner time.

My children, Zach and Nadia: for finally thinking your mom just might be cooler than you thought. To my parents, Doug and Sandy, thank you for being proud of me. To my brother Joel: don’t worry you’ll get a signed copy and a big thank you.

To my sister, Marissa Brown: even though you eagerly read and loved my first draft when it was a mess, you looked past all the typos, grammatical errors, and poor format to see Sam and Maggie’s love story just how it was meant to be.

I would like to thank my small group of beta readers: Marissa Brown, Paula Carey Harned, Melanie Carr, Stacy Kennedy, and Carrie Sutton. Thank you for you endless encouragement and valuable input.