More Letters From a Nut (8 page)

the rest of the country. However, in New Mexico we do not approve of women trying to pick up other women, regardless of whether the picker upper is dressed in a mosquito outfit or not (We do have approved sites for this type of behavior, should your employees be interested). You must warn the individuals utilizing the outfits that they could be putting themselves in danger from outraged females or from undercover cops posing as “Mosquito Molls” to entrap these individuals.

3.
Permitting
:
Permitting of your 1,032 Hungry Mosquito Restaurants is possibly one of the more time consuming processes of opening an enterprise of this size in Las Cruces. Each individual site must meet the appropriate zoning, overlay design and traffic standards criteria, and if necessary obtain the appropriate residential neighborhood association approval. Each permit cost will vary according to how much we believe we can get from you, with the cost escalating for each permit as it is obtained. We do not permit certain color schemes in certain areas (such as the historic districts), and you will be required to obtain the appropriate board/committee approval and pay for those appropriate reviews prior to obtaining the permit. You must, of course, obtain the approval of the United States Environmental Department, the New Mexico Environmental Department, the New Mexico Association of Respected Restaurateurs, and the Las Cruces Business Advisory Group prior to receiving final approval to open your restaurants. Your fees for any previous approvals are non-refundable should you not obtain the latter approvals.

I have enclosed the appropriate preliminary application. Please make the appropriate copies and return them with your initial, non-refundable fee of $1,500 each, to my office. Thank you for your interest in opening your businesses in Las Cruces. We are always interested in improving our economic development through the establishment of profitable enterprises.

On behalf of all Las Cruces, thank you for your correspondence. We definitely believe your proposal sucks.

Sincerely,

Debbie T. Calderon

Business Permits Review

P.O. Box 20000

Las Cruces, NM 88004

Enclosure - 1

Dear Reservation Desk:

I wish to check into your fine hotel on September 29, 1996 for one evening. I wish to stay in a suite. My problem:

I have an aversion to all germs. Therefore I travel with my own toilet seat and portable shower. I wear a body sheath when I sleep in a strange room. Can I be accomodated?

I will put down a protective splash when eating at your buffet. This protective splash will cover me and the area directly around me. It is similar to a tent, but I can see through it. Will it interfere with other diners?

I believe I will catch the diseases of others if I do not protect myself. I wear a dribble poncho and use calf lining for my feet when I walk across the room. My hands are covered in knuckle gum.

I put a cellophane area around the toilet then put down my own toilet seat. I use cardboard over my head then sit down and relieve myself. This is the only way I cam be sure that the diseases of others will not get me.

Please give me your best corporate rate for that evening and let me know that my special cleanliness equipment will be allowed in your hotel.

I have often heard that the Rhett House hotel allows it’s guest specialties to accommodate them. Thank you. I look forward to hearing from you soon regarding my September 29, 1996 stay.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

Mr. Nancy:

We received your letter dated August 27, regarding the possibility of reserving a room on September 29. We do have rooms available for that evening, although we do not have any suites in the inn. Your best bet would be room 10, which is our deluxe room with a king sized bed, a private entrance and screened verandah, and a jacuzzi.

We would be glad to accommodate you and your special equipment for the evening. I do not anticipate that your provisions will pose a problem to the inn or our other guests. However, none of us is sure what knuckle gum is and our only concern would be if it would stain the linens or bedding.

Feel free to call us at (803) 524-9030 for further information about our inn, and to discuss a reservation for the evening of September 29. We look forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely,

Molly Wilson

Innkeeper

1009 Craven Street, Beaufort, South Carolina 29902
803/524-9030   Fax 803/524-1310

Dear Reservations,

I will need a room for one night, Oct 12, 1996. I have a sickness.

I am a kleptomaniac. I will steal your lamps, mattress, clock radio, even the ice machine from the hallway vending area. I want to tell you about this before I check in so that when you see the room completely empty after I leave you will understand.

Naturally, I will compensate you for whatever I take.

Can the staff be notified when they see me trying to put a mattress in my car and drive away? Can they be made aware that a kleptomaniac is staying at the hotel?

I will take your sheets, pillowcase, comforter off the bed, and try and get your dresser out of the room. When I get home and realize what I have done I will call you and we can arrange for you to come and get your furniture. (I hope I give you the correct dresser). For your protection, please inventory the room and get a credit card imprint from me.

Is the Oct 12th date available? Please write and let me know. Thank you. I look forward to a pleasant stay with you on that evening.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy