Murder in Gatlinburg (2 page)

Once all the kissing was
over and our girlfriends had taken their seats in the audience, they removed
our blindfolds and everyone roasted us. That included the Chief, George, Frank,
Dan, and Heather, although both Dan and Heather were too nice to say anything
bad about either of us. Some of the others weren't so nice. Before they began,
they read us our rights and told us we had the right to remain silent. The
Chief pointed out that they would save money with us gone, because they would
need to hire only one person part-time, after school, to do the work we had
done for the last thirty plus years. And George was quick to point out that we
were never able to solve a case without his help, and that I drive something
that looks like a character out of Pac Man game. He called my yellow VW bug
Tweetie, even though he has always known that my mode of transportation goes by
the name of Lightning. Frank Harris thanked God that we wouldn't be bringing
him any more bodies, and mentioned that a couple of the ones we had brought him
actually looked worse than Lou and I, and that another body we sent actually got
up and walked out halfway through the autopsy. Those roasting us went on for
what seemed like days.

When everything seemed
to be at an end, George returned to the microphone and answered the question
that I had contemplated with Lou the day before. What do we do after retirement?

“Cy and Lou, as you
know, when someone retires from most companies, they are given a watch or a
fishing pole to commemorate the occasion. We discussed this among ourselves and
someone brought up the fact that neither of you ever have learned how to tell
time, which might have had something to do with the fact that most of us had
put in a full day before you got through eating your breakfast. And we were
reminded that neither of you were mechanically-minded enough to use even the
most primitive of fishing poles. But we felt like we needed to get you
something, so you wouldn’t try to get your jobs back. We also wanted to make
sure that for at least a short time that you wouldn’t be down at the station or
following one of our cars around in that roller skate you drive, so we felt
like we needed to get rid of you some way, and we arrived at a plan. For years,
the chief has owned a time-share at Westgate Resort, down in Gatlinburg, and
has thoroughly enjoyed his week there each year. When we asked him about
sending the two of you there, he said that was fine as long as you weren’t
there the same week he was. But we weren’t sure that either of you were capable
of driving that far without getting lost, so, when we found out that tour
groups sometimes stay at Westgate, we booked you for one of those tours. When
you go somewhere with a tour group, someone plans the trip for you, saving you
that responsibility. We bought you a week at Westgate. You will ride down with
a group of people who don’t know you, and they will be a part of your week-long
tour. I’ve heard that even old people are capable of taking one of these trips,
so we took a step of faith and signed the two of you up for one that leaves the
last of this month. Naturally, you will go as Cy and Lou, not Lieutenant and
Sergeant anybody, and we hope that when you go you will not divulge to those
other old people on the trip that you ever worked for the Hilldale Police
Department, unless you tell them you were the custodians. If you don’t get
stuck in your room, or eaten by a bear, I’m sure the two of you will have a
good time and be out of our hair for a few days. If, when you return, if you do
return, and once again we are seeing too much of you, we will do what we can to
arrange another trip, maybe one that involves space travel. We hope you enjoy
your trip, and we are contemplating planting a spy on board the bus, just in
case we feel the need to arrange the second trip before the first one is over.
Also, to bring the two of you into the modern age, we are giving both of you
cell phones. We've arranged for someone to come by each day for the next two
years in order to teach you how to make a call, text, and take photos. We are
also footing the bill for the first year. Besides that we are giving each of
you a laptop computer, but you are on your own when it comes to learning how to
use one.”

Evidently no one at the
department had learned that Lou and I had finally broken down and bought
computers. I got one first, and when Lou found out that I had learned how to
use one, he bought one, too. I even volunteered Mark, my yard boy and computer
expert, to get Lou up to speed.

Finally, George shut up
and it was our turn to talk.  Lou told the crowd that we would be moving away
to a much safer community, and I said that until that time Lou and I would be
available for $1,000 an hour, in case they had to deal with anything more
criminal than a jaywalker. Lou even threw a jab in about me. Said the reason I
ended up a lieutenant and he was only a sergeant was because they were
punishing him because he went to college for a year, while I headed to the
department fresh out of high school.  

That night they gave us
all kinds of pamphlets telling about the area where they were sending us, and
an itinerary telling about what we would be doing when we were on our trip.
George pointed out that the bus would be pulling out of a Lexington motel parking
lot around 6:00 a.m., which George knew was well before I arose on any other
morning other than Easter Sunday, or if someone got murdered in the middle of
the night, which had happened only one time in our burg.

+++

The slaps on the back ended
just before 9:00. Lou and I were surprised to get such nice retirement gifts.
Before we left the wake that night, Lou and I got together and agreed that when
we got home we would look over all the stuff they had given us. We planned to
talk about it the next morning after I picked him up as we headed for breakfast,
and before we headed back home to do nothing.

I went home that night
and pulled out the large envelope containing everything that George had given
us. If I could manage it, I planned to lean back in my recliner and peruse one
item at a time. If I kept dropping things planted in my lap, I’d move to the
dining room table. I knew I was going to be a little uncomfortable actually taking
a vacation, but I wanted to be comfortable dreaming about it. I wondered what
taking a trip on a bus with a bunch of other people would be like. I’d heard
talk. Some people said they could be a lot of fun, while others said you have
to get up way too early and do a few things you would have skipped if you were
the one planning the trip. The way I looked at it, it was only a week.  Of
course a week is a short time if you are enjoying what you are doing, but a
long time if you are not. I hoped none of the guys would smell too bad and none
of the old biddies would hit on Lou and me. At least it wouldn't be like
Facebook, where everyone puts up a photo that is at least twenty years old or
has had someone Photoshop it for them. I would know what the women actually looked
like. But regardless of that, I wasn't interested in any of them. Just the one
I would be leaving behind. Too bad she couldn't go with me, but the trip was
meant to be a retirement trip just for Lou and me. Jennifer and Thelma Lou
would still be here when Lou and I returned. The irony of it all was that
Jennifer had just moved to Hilldale to be near her cousin, Thelma Lou, and me,
her love interest, who would be retiring and have more time to spend with her.

Frank hadn’t told me
anything about the trip, only that we would be gone a week, and that the trip
was to the Gatlinburg area, a place I hadn’t been. Actually, most places are
places where I have never been. I remembered that over the years I had heard
some people mention going to Gatlinburg for the weekend or on vacation, but
since I never planned to go there I didn’t try to remember anything they said
about the trip. I just listened enough to be polite.

Even though I planned to
look over our itinerary comfortably, I dumped everything out on the dining room
table. Then I fished through it until I found a few pages where the first page
had Itinerary written at the top. I plucked it from the table, got myself a
glass of water, headed to my comfy chair, got comfortable, and read.

Thank you for traveling
with One Guy with an Old Bus Tours. In case you haven’t traveled with us
before, let us welcome you. If you have by some chance traveled with us before,
and are willing to risk it again and are not part of the sanitarium group, I
want to share some good news with you. Our percentage of breakdowns is now down
to only forty-seven percent of our trips. That’s a decrease of fourteen percent
in one year. That means that the odds are slightly in your favor that the bus
will arrive at your destination before it breaks down. And, if by some chance
it breaks down on your way to your destination, the odds are good that it will
not happen again on the way back. We want to let you know ahead of time that we
had to cut back on some amenities when choosing a used bus, and I regret that
we have to inform you that the bus does not include facilities. However, it
takes only twelve hours on back roads to reach your destination, and we will
stop three times. One of our stops will include facilities. Should we break
down on the way, you will receive one extra stop at no charge. Please arrive
early because we hope to leave on time, and it is best to sit in the front of
the bus. The lack of funds to buy a muffler after the other one fell off makes
it harder to hear your seatmate if you sit in the back. Also, we will not be getting
new shock absorbers until August. Besides, when we arrive at our destination,
those who sit closer to the door stand the better chance of selecting a teepee
with a flap that closes, but for those of you who are not so fortunate, you
will be closer to the porta-potty. Once again, thank you for choosing One Guy
with an Old Bus, and if you have any questions, please write them down and ask
us shortly after we take off.

I had barely finished
reading the page when the phone rang.

“Have you read the itinerary
George gave us?”

“You mean the one George
must have written himself after he read the real one?”

“George can write now?”

“Okay, maybe he dictated
it.”

“So, where is the real
one?”

“I have no idea. Did you
look all the way through the stuff he gave us?”

“I did and it’s not
there.”

“While we wait on George
to send us the real one, we can spend our time figuring out how to get even
with him when we get back from this trip.”

"I can think of
some ways of getting even, but most of my ideas might include incarceration."

"For him or for
us?"

"Us."

"Do you mean 'house
arrest'?"

"No. Probably
solitary confinement of a different kind."

Lou and I finished our
conversation and hung up. A couple of seconds later the phone rang again.

“Did you have a chance
to look over your itinerary yet?”

“You mean the one from
your next vacation?”

George laughed.

“I’ve got to have a
little fun. I'm going to miss those occasions when I've gotten to have fun at
your expense."

"Just in case you'd
like to continue them, I can give you my next-door neighbor's phone
number."

"I know she only
has eyes for you, Cy. Oh, by the way, in case you're interested, the real itinerary
is in your back door.”

“And where is Lou’s? He
doesn’t have a back door.”

“I know. I left before
you did tonight and sneaked over and stuck it under the windshield wiper on his
car.”

“You do anything to his
car and your number is up. Say, when did you say that you are retiring?”

“Oh, didn’t you hear? I'm
not sure of the exact date, but it's one of the days when you and Lou are away
on your trip.”

I laughed, hung up the
phone again, and headed off to the back door to see what I would find. After I
scanned the material to make sure it looked legitimate, I called Lou to let him
know where he would find the real thing, then went to read my copy.

Thank you for traveling
with Kentucky and Beyond Tours. In case you have not traveled with us before,
let us let you know that K.B.T. is statewide, and has a sterling reputation. We
deal only in bus tours, and we feel that we are the best at what we do. If you
have any questions after reading the itinerary, don’t hesitate to call our 1-800
number.

Itinerary

Friday

You will be leaving on
Friday of Memorial Day weekend. The Pigeon Forge-Gatlinburg area is a prime
destination for people on this particular weekend, and those who arrive during
the late afternoon or evening hours are likely to encounter heavy traffic which
may mean taking as much as two hours to travel from Sevierville to Gatlinburg,
a distance of only a few miles. For that reason, your bus will arrive at the
Marriott on Newtown Pike in Lexington, Kentucky around 5:30 a.m., at which time the driver will store your luggage and allow you to board the bus. The bus
will pull out sometime between 6:00-6:15, so allow yourselves some extra travel
time if you live outside of Lexington, so that you do not miss the bus.