Nameless (36 page)

 “I know. Everything
you said about me is true. I’ve learned to be a cold, selfish bastard.” With
another fleeting quiver of his lips, he corrected, “A cold, selfish jerk.”

Erin wanted so
much to smile at him, his humor speaking to hers so effortlessly, but it wasn’t
safe enough to do so yet.

He continued,
his demeanor mild, understated, but because of that more sincere. “Maybe there
are reasons for my becoming so—you know what they are as well as I do—but
that’s who I’ve been for the last fifteen years. So, when the one attempt I made
to be healthy and happy failed, I thought it was safer to go back to what I knew.”

“I knew that,”
she mumbled, shifting self-consciously from foot to foot. “I knew that’s what
you were trying to do. So why the stalking?”

Seth shook his
head and looked away from her. “I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t forget I had a
daughter. I couldn’t forget about you.”

This pulled at Erin’s
heart so much she had to overcompensate for the emotion. “So you’ve been
sulking like a little boy for three months.”

He tightened his
lips, obviously not approving of her choice of language. “I’ve been miserable. Yes.”

“Then why
didn’t you do something about it?”

 “I didn’t
think you’d want to hear from me.” At her annoyed, disbelieving look, he
continued, “It’s true. For the first weeks, I was just trying to forget, but
you kept sending me those damned emails.”

Erin cleared
her throat automatically.

“Sorry. Those
unbearable
emails. And slowly I came to the same conclusions you were just screaming at
me. I realized that I
couldn’t
forget—that sometime in the last nine
months, I’d...changed.” He still wasn’t meeting her eyes. “But then I thought
it was too late. I had one chance and I blew it.”

Part of her
wanted to hug him—wanted to soothe the wounded boy who always hid behind the
cold, powerful façade.

But the tender
urge just irritated her even more.

She smacked him
lightly on the chest with the flat of her hand, just for effect. “That’s
because you’re completely clueless about relationships that aren’t business or
sex.”

“Why would you
forgive me?”

“Because I want
her to have a father, provided you want to be one.”

There was a
long silence. So long that Erin thought she might crumble into pieces.

Then finally he
murmured, “I do.”

Erin let out a
breath. All her emotional energy had left her now, and she was left feeling
drained, starving, and utterly exhausted. Like she might actually faint. “Okay
then.”

Seth had been
glancing over to the baby carrier throughout their conversation, but now he was
gazing at it steadily. “May I...” he asked, his face a little diffident.

Erin nodded
mutely. She was on the verge of breaking down completely. Everything had
changed so quickly. So irrevocably. And maybe she should have been more careful
before she’d accepted his presence in their lives again.

But she knew Seth,
and she was sure he’d meant everything he’d said.

Knew, if he was
able to give his heart and feel it was secure, then he wouldn’t take it back.

He stepped over
to the chair and knelt down next to the baby carrier.

Their daughter
was just starting to wake up again. She made little cooing sounds, moving her
arms and opening and closing her eyes.

Seth gently
touched one small hand with one of his fingers, just as he had at the hospital.
“Hi,” he murmured, very softly.

The tiny
fingers automatically curled around his larger one.

Erin managed to
say, “You can pick her up if you want.”

He didn’t react
immediately. He just knelt on the floor staring. Then finally he reached his
arms out and unhooked the strap of the carrier. Put his hands under the baby's
arms and lifted her up, standing up at the same time.

He held her out
in front of him at first, like he didn’t know what to do with her.

His face was
tense and wary as he gazed at his daughter, who began to fuss and squirm. Then
he pulled the sleepy figure forward toward his chest until the pink cheek rested
against his shoulder, pressed against the expensive fabric of his white dress
shirt.

“Hi,” he said
again, bending his neck so he could look down at her grumpy face. “Did I wake
you up? Very insensitive of me.”

At his voice,
their daughter’s soft whines silenced. She stared up at Seth’s face in
curiosity with blue eyes that were so much like his.

Erin’s face
crumpled, and she had to turn around, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably with
sudden emotion.

She felt Seth
take a step closer to her. “Erin, there’s no way for me to apologize. Or ever
make it up to you. I have no excuse that even comes close to answering what I
did. But I never meant to hurt you.”

Erin whirled
around. Instinctively checked to assess whether her daughter was all right
before she snapped, “Yes, you did! You knew how much I cared about you. You
knew
.
So you must have known how much it would hurt to lose you.”

Seth’s face had
frozen, and his voice was hoarse as he said, “I knew it would hurt you to lose
her father, but it never occurred to me that you would miss me...for me.”

Erin was about
to bite his head off for this piece of idiocy, but then she realized it was
probably true.

“Well, I did,”
she mumbled. “A lot. Just because I’m not...in love doesn’t mean that you don’t
mean a lot to me. How could you be so stupid?”

Seth looked
stiff and awkward. In this, he was utterly exposed and vulnerable. He wouldn’t
be willing to talk about it for long.

He’d already
stretched himself more than she’d ever imagined him doing.

So she said,
“All right. We’ll let it go.” Feeling a continued pang of worry, she added,
"For now."

Seth’s face
relaxed and he looked back down at his daughter, who was wriggling and mouthing
again.

Erin had no
idea how much time had passed, but she realized that the poor little thing must
be hungry again.

“What’s her
name?” Seth asked. “You never mentioned it in the emails.”

She jerked in surprise.
“I thought you would know. Didn’t you check?”

He shook his
head. He was barely moving, as if he were afraid that motion would upset her. “I
was trying not to obsess.”

Erin couldn’t
respond, her throat ached so much.

“Her name?” Seth
prompted.

Shaking herself
off, Erin answered, “It’s Mackenzie.”

He stiffened
dramatically.

She gulped. “Mackenzie
Elizabeth.”

“Erin?” His
voice was thick, disbelieving.

She nodded, her
eyes blurred just a little. “That’s her name.”

“Erin, why—”

“That’s her
name.”

After she
spoke, there was a minute of silence. Erin felt awkward and self-conscious, and
it looked like Seth felt that way too.

He finally
said, “Thank you.”

She nodded. Felt
the beginnings of a peace she hadn’t felt in months. This was what she’d
wanted. Her daughter to have a real daddy. She just needed to say one more
thing. “Seth,” she began.

He looked up
from where he’d been staring down at Mackenzie’s increasingly grouchy face.

“Seth, I want
you to be her father, and I want you in my life. But I need some assurances
from you. I’m an adult, and I can evaluate risks and then live with the consequences
if they don’t pan out, but I can’t do that for her.”

She stepped
toward him in her earnestness. Put one hand on his arm. “Soon she’ll be old
enough to know you, to...to love you. And, if you’re going to phase in and out
of her life—pulling back when you’re unhappy or even when you’re too busy—then
she’s going to get really hurt. I can’t let that happen. It will be better if
you’re not in her life at all, than if you’re going to come and go as the mood
strikes you.”

Seth’s face was
rigid for just a moment. Then he nodded. “I’m not going to walk away again.”

The clench in Erin’s
gut that had been present for three months finally started to relax. She knew
this wasn't over, that they had so many things to still work through.

Knew she
couldn't yet trust him as she had four months ago and knew he would be wary and
stiff around her for a long time.

But, still, it
was a start.

“Really?” she
asked, a plea in her voice. “Even if you can’t have everything you want?”

Something
wounded and fleeting passed over his controlled expression, but then he nodded
again. “I want this much at least.” He raised a hand and rubbed Mackenzie's
back as she started to gurgle unhappily. “With her, it doesn't have to be
halfway."

He met Erin's
eyes. Spoke what she knew was a promise. "I’m in this for good.”

***

Fifteen minutes later, Seth sat
on a sofa in the main living area of the apartment, with Mackenzie in his lap. He
still didn’t seem entirely comfortable. His hold on the baby was cautious, as
if he were afraid he might break or startle her.

But he kept
staring and occasionally murmuring random comments to her—in his normal voice,
not in baby talk—to which she responded by gurgling irritably or flailing her
arms, sometimes swatting him in the face.

Erin sat on a
leather side chair, slouching down against the cushioned back with barely
enough energy to hold up her head.

She was faint
from hunger and exhaustion, and she really needed to get home soon so she could
eat something and get some rest. But she hated to just snatch Mackenzie away
from Seth, when this was the first time he’d met her.

Pretty soon,
however, she wouldn’t have a choice. Her stomach did hungry flip-flops, and she
was a little dizzy. As it was, she could hardly keep her eyes open as she
watched Seth and Mackenzie stare at each other.

Mackenzie was
getting more and more ornery. She’d started squirming about five minutes ago,
and now she began to fuss. Clearly—although she’d been mesmerized by her father
to begin with—she wasn’t appreciating the prolonged introductions.

One
particularly long whimper from the infant caused Erin to say, “We should go. She
needs to be fed again soon, and I haven’t eaten since breakfast.”

Seth looked
over at her. “You should have said something sooner. You can eat here.”

 “It’s no big
deal. I'm tired and was just going to make something easy at home.”

Studying her
face intently, Seth frowned. “You’re pale. Why didn’t you eat lunch?”

“I was busy,”
she responded, rolling her eyes at his nosiness. “It hasn’t been a very good
day, and now I’m hungry and exhausted.”

She stood up
and looked at him pointedly.

Seth got to his
feet as well and handed Mackenzie back.

Erin
automatically shifted the baby into a soft embrace, kissing the warm little
head and soft hair. She looked around, wondering where the carrier and diaper
bag had ended up.

As she peered
around the room, Seth wandered away, so she assumed he'd gone to find them for
her.

But when he
returned, he announced, “I ordered from the place downstairs and told them to
rush it. Dinner will arrive shortly.”

“Seth,” she
complained, feeling half annoyed by his presumption and half relieved that she
wouldn’t have to droop all the way home before she got something to eat.

At the moment,
she wasn’t sure she would make it home, lugging both Mackenzie and the diaper
bag.

 “You look like
you’re about to fall over, and I don’t have anything better to do. Why
shouldn’t you eat here?”

She didn’t have
a good answer for that, so she didn’t argue any further. It would save her the
trouble of trying to find something to eat herself, and maybe give them a
chance to work out some of the parenting issues that would come up now that Seth
was back in the picture.

Mackenzie’s
fussing had shifted into full-fledged cries. “She’s hungry. I need to feed her.
Is there somewhere I could go?”

 “Oh. Sure. Wherever
you like. You can just stay in here if it's convenient. I’ll get your stuff.”

Erin sank back
into the chair. When Seth returned with her diaper bag, she pulled out a burp
cloth and adjusted Mackenzie into position.

She wondered if
Seth was going to stay while she nursed their daughter—it wouldn’t really
matter to her if he did—but after a moment, he left the room again.

So Erin fed Mackenzie
in the quiet room, the silence broken only by the occasional sound of her
baby’s wet sucking. She felt a little strange in the sleek surroundings. Everything
looked, felt, and smelled like Seth, and the apartment had evidently been
decorated to impress, per his grandfather’s advice.

And here Erin
was, in the middle of it, breastfeeding and hoping her daughter wouldn’t spit
up all over the antique Asian rug.

By the time Seth
returned, Erin had finished. She looked up to see him enter with a bag of food
in his hands, napkins and utensils in the pocket of his dress shirt, and two
bottles of expensive water under his arms.

Erin, who was
holding Mackenzie upright and rubbing her back, almost laughed at the sight on
him.

He gave her a
suspicious, arrogant look—one that made her giggle even more—but he didn’t say
anything as he set their meal up on the coffee table.

When Erin had
ensured that Mackenzie had burped or spit up everything she needed, she placed
her daughter back into the baby carrier and made sure her own clothing was all
in place.

Then, finally,
she was able to eat.

Dinner was
shrimp and scallops with pasta and a light cream sauce, and it was absolutely
delicious. Better than anything Erin had eaten in a long time. There was even
cheesecake for dessert.

She stuffed
herself and drank her water, keeping half an eye on Mackenzie, who soon fell
asleep again.