On the Outside Looking In (Wrong Reasons) (19 page)

“What?” he asked.

“Hey, um, can we talk for a second?” I asked.

“Aren’t you busy?”

I blinked as I sank to the sofa.  Busy?

“What are you talking about?”

“What do you want to talk about, Morgan?” he asked, his voice resigned.  “About how I made a fool out of myself over you again and how you were embarrassed and humiliated?  Is that what you want to discuss?”

Confusion clouded my brain as I tried to process his words.

“Evan,” I said.

“Save it, Morgan,” he said.  “Just tell me the real reason why you called, huh?  You want to end it? 
Fine.”

“I didn’t say I wanted that,” I said.  “I wanted to talk about what happened tonight, and maybe arrange to meet tomorrow. I don’t have to work…”

“Won’t you be busy tomorrow?” he asked.  “Don’t you have a date or something?  Or is Spencer too busy to see you?”

“Spencer?” I asked as realization hit me.  “You were here, weren’t you?”

“Like a moron, yeah,” he said.  “Once Tony got me calmed down, I decided to come to your place to talk to you about all this shit.  I thought maybe, once we both got our emotions under control, that we could talk and fix these problems.  I thought we’d work it out.”

“We still can,” I said.

He laughed and it was not pretty.  “Yeah, right.  It seems to me that you’ve already moved on.”

“No, Spencer came over here because I asked him to talk to me,” I said.  “I was upset and as my other friends are out of town together, having a good old time, I called him.  He came over and we just talked.”

“Just talked?” he asked.  “No pecks on the cheek?”

I considered lying but for what?  It would come out sooner or later.  These things always did.

“I kissed him,” I whispered.  “But it’s not what you think.  I … “

“Save it for someone who cares,” he growled.  “I don’t want to hear the lame friend explanation shit again.”

“It wasn’t like that,” I said.  “If you’d let me explain, I’ll tell you.”

“Go ahead,” he said, his voice high and tight.  “Let’s hear this explanation.  I’m sure it’s great.”

Ignoring his tone, I plunged into my explanation, hoping he’d listen.  “He was talking to me about what happened tonight.  And then we talked about all the crap that happened over the summer, getting it out into the open so that we could get past it.  Then, he hugged me and I kissed him.  But I didn’t feel anything.  Not like I do with you…”

“Great! Fantastic! 
Fucking wonderful.  I’m so happy to hear that you kissed another guy but felt nothing for him.  Makes me feel just fucking fantastic.”

“Evan…” I tried, but it was in vain.  I was talking to a dial tone.

Chapter Nineteen

I sat at the kitchen table Sunday afternoon, toying with my digital camera, not the least bit interested in the pictures stored on the memory card.  My mind was about as numb as my heart, my limbs listless.  How had I managed to screw stuff up so badly when I’d just decided that I needed to figure out exactly who I was?

My cellphone sat silent on the table, glaring at me, reminding me that Evan still wasn’t contacting me.  Not that I could blame him.  I wouldn’t call him if he’d told me he kissed Manda or that Ridley girl.  I’d be angry – totally outraged.  I’d give him a piece of my mind and then hang up, vowing to never talk to him again.

That seemed to be exactly what he was doing to me.

Banging my head lightly on the table, I groaned, closing my eyes.  Just when I’d figured out that my feelings for Spencer weren’t as deep as I’d thought – sorted out how I really felt for Evan - I went and messed up the only real relationship I’d ever had.

I fought tears, again.  I was turning into a huge, sappy, crybaby.  I detested girls who fell apart at the drop of a hat – girls who bawl just because they’re favorite boy band split or two soap opera characters break up.

A knock at the door made my head come up so quickly that I saw stars.  Hope surged through my heart as I got up and hurried to the door.  With shaky hands, I twisted the knob without even checking the window.  As I thrust open the door, the smile on my face faded.

“Oh, hi.”

“Geez, it’s nice to see you, too,” Bailey said as she brushed past me and walked into the kitchen.

“I didn’t mean…”

“How are you?” Irelyn asked as she yanked me into a hug.

“Okay,” I said, puzzled.

“Spencer called us,” Bailey explained, dropping a white, greasy bag onto the table.  “He told us that some shit went down with Evan and that you were upset.”

I sank to a chair, cheeks flaming, wondering what else Spencer had told them.  Bailey dug into the bag and produced three cheeseburgers and three bags of fries.  She set them before each of us while Irelyn rummaged through my fridge, digging out three sodas.

I opened my burger but food did not appeal to me. 

“So, tell us what happened,” Bailey ordered before ripping off a huge bite of her burger.  Her face puffed as she chewed like a chipmunk with its cheeks full of acorns.  I nearly laughed.

“Yeah,” Irelyn said.  “We thought everything was fine with you and Evan.”

“Well, it was, until I screwed it up,” I said, shoving the burger away from me.  The smell was nauseating.

Irelyn patted my hand.  “Just tell us everything that happened.”

So I did. I told them about Owen at Rusty’s and then about Spencer coming over.  With downcast eyes, I even told them about the kiss.

When I finished, Bailey snorted.

“So, you and Spencer kissed.  So what?”

I couldn’t think of a single thing to say.

“Yes, but it upset Evan,” Irelyn said. 

“Evan was upset to begin with,” Bailey concurred.  “He’d just beat the shit out of Owen and angered Morgan.”

“Would you kiss someone else if you’d gotten into a fight with Collin?”

Bailey clamped her lips together, something flashing in her eyes. Finally, she grinned.  “All right, you got me there.  No, I wouldn’t do it.”

That made me feel worse. 

“What are you going to do?” Irelyn asked.

“I don’t know,” I sighed.  “I tried to talk to Evan but he won’t listen.  He’s too mad.”

“He’ll get over it,” Bailey said.  “Men cry for a while but then they get over it.”

I bit my lip.  I didn’t think Evan was just crying.  And I didn’t think he was going to just get over it.

“Morgan,” Irelyn said, shooting Bailey a dark look.  “Why don’t you just give him a little time and then try to talk to him again?”

I contemplated her suggestion, seriously taking it into consideration.  It was the only option I had at this point.

“I suppose I’m going to have to,” I said.  “I don’t have much of a choice.”

Irelyn nodded, looking again to Bailey, who was eyeing my uneaten burger.

“Take it,” I said.  “I’m not hungry.”

“You sure?” she asked, already snatching it.  I nodded as she took a bite.

“Why aren’t you at the Newton Sunday dinner thing?” I asked.  “Is it too early?”

Bailey chewed, holding up a finger.  Irelyn and I waited until she swallowed.

“We decided to skip it this week,” she said.

“Why?” I asked.

“Um, because,” Irelyn said, taking a deep breath.  She attempted a smile as she exhaled.  “We thought your need was greater.”

“And Spencer just about bit our heads off,” Bailey said, swallowing the remainder of her drink.  “He gave us a stern talking-to about how we’ve treated you lately.”

My jaw fell as I gaped at both of them. 
“He what?”

Irelyn held up a hand.  “He was right.  I guess we didn’t realize.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head.  “I mean, things have been a little weird, but that’s because of all the stuff that happened last summer.  We talked about all that and have moved forward.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Bailey said, dropping the half-eaten burger.  “We’ve all made peace with it, I suppose.”

“But we haven’t been as close as we once were,” Irelyn finished.  “We realize that it will take time, but what Spencer was mad about was that we didn’t include you this weekend.”

“You don’t have to include me in everything,” I objected, even though I had been a little hurt by it.  “I don’t expect all that.”

“Maybe not,” Bailey said.  “But we still should have asked.”

“And it we didn’t not because we didn’t want you to be with us,” Irelyn said.  “We sort of thought that…well, that we were doing you a favor.”

My brows crashed together as her words registered.  “A favor?”

“Yeah,” Bailey snorted as she sat back and ran a hand over the tiny baby bump.  “We didn’t want to bore you with all the baby and wedding stuff.  We talk about it too much around you.”

I wasn’t sure I was hearing her right.  They actually thought that they were doing me a favor by not inviting me along or talking about the big events in their lives.  I couldn’t see it.

“You don’t bore me when you talk about that stuff,” I said.  “I like knowing what’s going on in your lives.  You’re my friends.”

“I know,” Irelyn said with a sympathetic smile.  “But things are sort of different.  I wish they were like they used to be, but they’re not.”

“They may never be,” Bailey said. 
“Especially with the changes that are coming.”

“Yeah,” I said as I picked up my soda and took a drink.  “But maybe that’s okay.  Maybe we need to change, too.”

“What do you mean?” Irelyn asked.

I shrugged.  “I don’t know, really.  I guess I mean that we need to just roll with the changes.  We need to just deal with what life hands us and adapt.”

I couldn’t believe the words were coming out of my mouth – especially after all the moping I’d done over the lost closeness.  Perhaps I was finally finding myself.

“Okay,” Bailey said.  “I can do that.”

“Me, too,” Irelyn said.

I had to laugh.  We could sit around this table and agree to anything we wanted, but doing it was a whole other thing.  But I was feeling good for the first time in days and I didn’t want to it to end too soon.

“So, tell me about plans,” I said.  “What’s going on with the wedding?”

“Not much,” Irelyn said.  “We’ve booked the church and the hall.  My mom helped me find a caterer and Lucas’s mom volunteered her house for the bridal shower.”

“And the baby shower,” Bailey smirked.  “Why not?  They have a huge family room in the basement.”

“Will you be able to get down those stairs by then?” I asked.

Bailey threw her head back and laughed.  “I don’t know.  Maybe you two will have to haul my fat ass down there.”

We laughed for a bit until Irelyn started to discuss the fears she had about marriage.  What if things changed once it was official?  What if they argued over money and babies and mortgages?

“I don’t think you should eat yourself up over stuff like that,” I said.  “I mean, you’re bound to argue – that’s part of marriage.”

“That’s what I said,” Bailey added. 

“I know, you’re both right,” Irelyn sighed, fiddling with her soda can.  “And I’m sure everyone worries about stuff before they get married.  But these things linger in my mind.”

“Once you’re married, you’ll stop,” I said.  “You’ll be wrapped up in each other and in your new life.  And as long as you two make an effort and remember to compromise, I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

Irelyn flashed a grateful smile.  “You have a wonderful way of putting things into perspective.”

Her words touched my heart, although I wasn’t quite sure if she was sincere or trying to make up for something.  I returned her smile, though, happy that they were here, helping me to get my mind off of my own troubles.

After retrieving everyone a fresh soda, we turned to Bailey.  She had her own doubts.  She confessed that she worried about labor and the baby’s health.  She was concerned about parenting.

“Look at me,” she said.  “I never thought I was the maternal type.  But I’m going to pop out a kid soon and I can only hope that I don’t mess it up, somehow.”

“I bet your parents worried about the same thing,” Irelyn said.  “And you turned out fine.”

She snorted.  “I don’t know about all that.”

“You’ll be fine,” I said.  “Have you thought about childbirth classes?”

“Ugh, no,” she said, crinkling her nose.

“My aunt took them when she was pregnant and it was more than just how to breathe during labor,” I said.  “They taught her all sorts of things about taking care of a newborn.”

She sat back in silent contemplation.  “I guess it wouldn’t hurt.  Steffi gave me a bunch of books, but I haven’t read them yet.  I guess I didn’t want to see what was going to happen.”

“I’ll tell you what will happen,” Irelyn said.  “You’ll cuss out Collin when the contractions get bad and he’ll faint when the baby comes out.”

We laughed, each of us coming up with different scenarios.  It was lighthearted fun that probably did nothing to allay Bailey’s fears, but it did lift her spirits.  And mine.

But all too soon, it grew late and they had to leave.  At the door, they both gave me a hug, promising that we’d all three get together more often. I agreed, even though I had my doubts.  Sure, we’d start off that way, but life had a funny way of dragging people apart.

Once they left, the apartment grew way too quiet.  The walls were closing in on me so I decided to get out of there.

Getting into my car, I decided to go to the mall.  Since it was the Christmas shopping season, the mall hours were extended.  I figured it would be packed full of people, jostling and pushing to get the best deals.  It was just what I needed.

I wasn’t wrong, either.

I made my way through the throng of people, congregating in the corridors, talking and laughing.  The Christmas spirit was truly in the air – at least in the mall.  It wasn’t anywhere near my heart.

Still, I needed to get a little shopping done.  I hadn’t bought a single gift for anyone on my list.  My parents were usually the hardest to shop for and nothing in the Dalefield Mall would do.  I’d have to shop for them online.

That still left Irelyn, Bailey, the guys, and probably Dante.  I didn’t plan to go overboard on him – but I did want to get him something small.

I browsed the maternity store, thinking Bailey would be the easiest, but nothing appealed to me.  Besides, once she had the baby, she wouldn’t need the gift anymore.

Sighing, I left the store and wandered around, hoping something would inspire me. 

I ran into the office supply store and grabbed a few leather bound journals for Irelyn.  Although she had a laptop and didn’t write in notebooks anymore, I thought she’d love the journals.  Maybe she could record her feelings about the upcoming wedding or anything else on her mind.

As I passed the music store, I noticed a poster in the window announcing the release of a new CD from a band Bailey loved.  I dashed inside to get it, hoping Collin hadn’t beaten me to the punch.  I’d have to text Spencer later and have him mention it to Collin.

With the girls done, I hit the specialty candy shop.  I purchased a variety of sweets for the guys – they loved that sort of thing – and picked up a box of chocolate covered cherries for Dante.

With that shopping done, I lugged my bags around, contemplating whether or not to get something for Evan.  No matter what had happened between us, he was still my friend – at least in my heart.

Remembering the day we’d spent at the mall, I pushed my way through the crowd until I reached the t-shirt shop.  I browsed rack after rack, not able to crack a smile at any of the shirts.  They reminded me of the fun we’d had and made me worry that I’d never do anything silly like that again.  I left without buying a single thing.