quintessence. (23 page)

My head pressed into the wood floor of Karl’s house. I lay there and all I could think for the first few moments was how much my life had changed.

We all cope and live in our own way. We find our way in life, no matter what happens. My grandmother’s words.
I had to remember them—even now as he looked down at me with that tender, sexy look of his.

He gave a gentle tug on the ear buds and pulled them from me.

He sat back onto his knees and smiled down at me. Then his smile softened as he met my eyes. The expression he gave me broke my heart. He looked as though his own heart broke.

“There’s something I need to tell you, Margaret,” he said.

I sat up and put my hands on his shoulders. “Wait. No more confessions right now.”

He started to speak again, “No,” I said. “Is it something I need to know right this minute and is detrimental to what we are doing?”

He laughed and shook his head.

“Karl, no matter what you feel you need to get into, it isn’t necessary. I want you. I want all of you, not just the asexual part.” I smiled, and it brought a laugh from him. “But, can we do something? I want to wait until night time before we seal the deal.”

“Seal the deal?” he said on a laugh. “That’s fine. Whatever you want is fine by me—you know that.” He leaned back down and curled his body around the side of mine.

“It’s a silly reason that I want to wait, but it’s because there’s a full moon tonight. I want to be outside.” I pulled my lip in, trying to hide my moment of nervousness.

“Why?” he asked. “I mean why is that silly?”

“I suppose I should’ve known you wouldn’t find it silly.” I kissed his cheek before moving him back underneath me. “But, there is something I want to do now, and it doesn’t have to wait until later. I’ve wanted to do it for a while.”

I moved down his body and lifted his shirt to expose his abdomen. I kissed along his pant line and then saw that across one side of him was a scar that looked bruised. I sat up and let my finger trace along it as it lowered into his pants. Karl placed his hand on my elbow to pull my attention to his eyes.

“It’s okay,” he said. “If you’re weirded out by it, I understand.”

“Of course I’m not weirded out by it.” I said as I pulled him up to encourage him to remove his shirt. He obliged, and I smiled when I saw the light fluff of hair across his chest. Across his chest and shoulders were small speckles of scars. I leaned toward him, needing to wrap my arms and legs around him. He sat up and I now straddled him, my legs and arms encasing him. I didn’t feel like I could get close enough and wondered if I’d be able to wait until tonight. I was close enough now that the thinness of my pants allowed me to feel the growing need he held, too. I sighed as I leaned my forehead onto his shoulder. Feeling the closeness of our naked skin almost pushed me over the edge. It was consuming. There was a fire in my chest from how close to him I felt, and just being naked near him was enough.

He lifted my face to his and kissed along my chin before he placed his lips on mine. The kiss was just as, if not more, overpowering as the first one he gave me. I wanted so much of him. His lips left mine and traced down my neck until he placed two gentle kisses on either side of my collarbone.

He placed his hands on my back as he kissed my breast bone. I was leaning back in such a way it brought my lower half even closer to him. A shudder danced through me before my senses came back and I remembered myself and what I wanted to do. I reached behind me and pulled his hands from my back, bringing them between us as I kissed his jaw before nipping his lip.

“Lie back down, please?” I whispered against his mouth. He obliged, and I followed his descent.

I released his hands and kissed along his chest to his nipple and gave a gentle nip on one before I gave a sudden lick to it and moved to the other. I couldn’t leave one unattended as I knew it always frustrated me when one was. I moved farther down and met his scar once more.

I sat up and unfastened his pants the rest of the way before standing and pulling them off from his ankles. He lay before me with one arm under his head. He only wore a lazy, wanting smile and his boxer briefs. But, he was content and sure of himself regardless. “You are letting me take charge, aren’t you?” I asked with a smile.

“Of course I am. I’m man enough to know that sometimes, letting an intelligent woman take the lead is as satisfying, if not more so, than for me to lead.”

“Oh, do you bed many intelligent women, Karl?” I asked with a coy smile.

He laughed. “Nope, this is a first for me. But anything with you is intriguing and beautiful because that’s just how you are Margaret.”

I smiled before finding my way back to his abdomen. I now could see that the scar that began on his side went down his abdomen toward his groin and then peeked out below his boxers on his inner thigh. A pain tugged at my chest as I took it in. I showed him how I felt about the scar and about him as I kissed along the scar, beginning at the topmost portion near his side. As it dipped below his boxers I continued to kiss and pulled the boxers from him until he kicked them off.

I was now sitting up and exploring him with my eyes, taking in every aspect of him.

I was never shy. I never saw a naked man as being something to be scared of or ashamed of; they were just as beautiful as women and Karl was exceptionally so—because it was him. He wasn’t shy or ashamed either. But, he wasn’t narcissistic about it; he was just free to be himself. He was comfortable with me and it was gorgeous.

I loved him.

I loved him and it was a deeper connection than I’ve ever had. There was love with Toby, but there wasn’t this invincible want to be near him. With Karl, I wanted him. I wanted to explore every part of him—his mind and his body.

I smiled as I lowered myself back to kissing along his scar. It tracked near his penis, but it didn’t appear to have touched it. I followed it all the way to the scar’s end, which stopped at his thigh right above his knee. Something happened to him and it hurt.

The thought made me love him all the more, because seeing him, you would never have known that this was the case. I sat back up, placed my hands above both his knees and gave a gentle squeeze to them as I took him in my mouth on a moan. I heard the breath escape his lips as my hand moved from one knee to support him as I continued.

I always saw this as a dance. Sex itself was, but this—this was a performance. I was leading him every step of the way as my tongue danced along his tip. I took him deeper into my mouth and felt his moan reverberate through him and coincide with my own. I wanted him more than anything.

There was a connection to him I needed, but I wanted it too. We met during this time that felt like the end of the world for me, but he reminded me it wasn’t the end. No matter what life throws, it wouldn’t be the end until it was.

I loved him.

I wanted him.

So, I showed him.

I showed him with the dance of my mouth along him. He didn’t last long, and I smiled as I felt the jump of him in my mouth right before he finished. I sat up and smiled down at him, watching the euphoric smile spread on his face.

I lied down next to him as he reached up to pull his wool blanket from the bench and cover us with it. I rested on his arm as he wrapped us both up and kissed the top of my head.

“You know what I hate about blow jobs?” I asked, and he laughed.

“Well, first that’s not a nice thing to say right after giving one, but okay—what?” He pulled me closer to him.

“I couldn’t see your face when you finished. I’ve tried different angles, but I have to focus and I feel it coming, but I didn’t get to see your face.”

He laughed. “Well, I’m not sure how to remedy that. We should try something else next time.”

“Next time? Oh no, that was a one-time thing,” I deadpanned, before laughing a few seconds later. “Just kidding.”

He rolled on top of me and pinned me between his arms. “I wouldn’t have minded if you were serious. I love just being near you, in any capacity.”

“I want you, Karl. Yes, I needed you at the start. I didn’t know I needed you. I didn’t know I was missing anything in my life. I had it all figured out. But, this disease—and the universe or God or whatever you want to label it as—has shown me that what I had figured out was enough to get me to this point. There is so much more to be done in my life and I plan to do it. I want you there with me along the way, too.”

He kissed my forehead, and then rested his on mine. “I feel something so pure and true with you, and I know it is more than just a thing. It’s kind of cosmic, or earth shattering. You and I are perfect. I think part of me knew it that first night I met you at the Christmas party. You’re intelligent, you’re beautiful, you’re confident, and determined. I love every part of you.”

His words made a smile form on my face that felt more consuming than any previous one I had ever smiled.

“I love you, Margaret. The world may think it crazy. But, it’s the truth.”

“I know you do. I know because it’s our truth. Without words, I knew it,” I said, still holding my smile.

“What now?” he asked.

“Now, now we take care of golf balls.”

He laughed. “Yes, I suppose we do.”

“But first, I’m hungry and we need our energy for this evening.”

I stood from the floor and didn’t bother covering myself as I walked to my kitchenette. I’ve done that on my own many times. Blake showed up one morning a couple weeks ago, and I was lounging in the nude. His reaction was priceless because he didn’t have one. It just was what it was.

“How do you shower here?” Margaret asked as she removed her wool socks and her pants. I didn’t turn away and watched with a smile as I grabbed an apple from my bowl and took a bite. “Better yet, where is your bathroom? I didn’t even use it last time I was here.”

I leaned against the counter and crossed my arms before pointing toward the shelf near the kitchenette that also operated as the door to my bathroom. She stood up, now naked herself, and pointed at the door. “In here?”

I nodded with a smile because she was amazing. Her assurance in herself was mesmerizing. She pointed to the side of the shelf in question and I pointed to the opposite side. “That’s the handle,” I said.

She pulled the shelf away from the wall and the bathroom opened up to her.

“Holy crap, this is awesome. The shower is the bathroom isn’t it?” she asked, turning back in question.

“Yep, it saves on space. The water from the toilet goes out to a solar septic tank. The water from the shower goes to a barrel that stores it for the toilet. The sink water from here and the kitchen goes to a different barrel I use for the plants.”

“Where does the water come from in the first place?” she asked as she shut the door.

“The lake or rain—it goes through a filter before I drink it though. You’re lucky you’re here when you are. I didn’t have the water heater in until a couple weeks ago. That sucked. I like living a simple life, but hot water became a necessity when it became colder. I was fine during the warmer months. I just cleaned up in the lake.”

She laughed. “You bathed in the lake?” She stepped from the bathroom and leaned toward me and kissed my neck before taking the apple from me.

“Why is that always the response I get? Yes, I did. It’s liberating. If I could run around here naked in the middle of winter I would.”

“Well, it looks like it isn’t bothering you now.” She smiled.

“No, but I mean outside. I don’t think I’d want to run out there tonight. There’s snow in the forecast.”

I looked outside and saw that the snow had already begun. Margaret stepped away from me and toward the door with windows. She put her hand on the door frame and watched the snow while eating the rest of my apple. While in the bathroom she had taken out her braid and let her hair hang free around her. The black of it in contrast to the now snow covered horizon was stunning.

“It will not stop me,” she said, turning back with a determined smile.

I laughed. “You’ll go out there?”

“Yes, I will, and you’re coming with me. When that moon rises, we’re going out there. Not for long though, don’t worry,” she said, stepping back into my arms.

“Okay, I can do that. But, you have to promise to at least wear your sweater and maybe a hat.”

“I can do that, but no shoes.” She gave me a pointed look, and I laughed. “Now, what are we eating?” she asked.

“Well, I wasn’t planning on company, but I can heat something up on the stove.”

I grabbed a pan and a can of stew and went to the wood stove to heat it up. She sat on the floor next to the stove and warmed her hands. “I hope the snow stops enough to see the moon.”

“It will, it looks like it is letting up already.” It was the afternoon, so I imagined it would be fine by the evening. “What do you want to do in the meantime?” I asked with a smile.

“Are you flirting with me, Karl?” she asked with a grin as she leaned back onto her hands and kicked her feet out in front of her. “I’m not just some girl you can flirt with.” She tried to hold her laughter in.

“No, I’m not flirting. I was just thinking of playing cards or reading.” I opened the can and poured it in the pan as she let out her laugh behind me.

“What are you reading?” she asked.

“Thoreau.”

“Of course you are,” she said, and I heard the smile in her voice. “I’ve not read anything by him. I’ve not been as much of a reader as Hannah. Will you read some to me?” she asked.

“Sure, after we eat, we can go upstairs and I will.”

__________

Once she was lying down, I stood on my knees and slid the wood pallet aside that had the windows in the roof blocked. They opened and made it seem as if we were no longer in the house.

“How did I not notice they took up the whole ceiling before?” she asked.

“It was nighttime,” I said as I smiled down at her.

“This is fantastic. I feel like I’m outside.” She looked to the skylight and her smile consumed me.

I lay down next to her and side by side we looked to the sky. Our shoulders touched, and I lifted her hand into mine. We remained that way, watching the last of the snow fall. It felt like it would fall onto us, but then it hit the window and melted within seconds, because the house was so warm.  The quietness filled us and I wrote it to memory.

This could be a box. I wanted to create it from my point of view though. In my peripheral I could see her hair resting on my arm and the light hitting her exposed breast, highlighting her nipple, creating an unearthly feel. To the left of me was the remaining part of the window, the light surrounding us and we became one with the light. We were together, and there was no separation between us and the surrounding day.

“When are you going to read?” she asked.

I turned my head to her as she turned hers to mine. She reached the hand I wasn’t holding to scratch at my beard. “How long do you plan to grow it?” she asked.

“I’ve never thought about it. I just don’t like to shave, and it suits my line of work.”

“I agree, now read,” she said, kissing me with a smile. “Please?”

I rolled over and lifted my book from the floor next to my mattress. “Okay, do you have anything you prefer?” I asked.

“I know little about Thoreau, so just start wherever you’d like,” she said, rolling her body toward mine, wrapping her leg over mine, and placing her hand and head on my chest.

I put my arm around her and lifted the book above us to read. I read the words to
Winter Walk
and lost my thoughts to them. I read the words, but I was outside them, focusing on the moment with Margaret. This could be another box—the words above me and this woman beside me.

The quiet moment pushed all other thoughts away of what could happen, or what might still happen. Whatever happened with her or with me, no longer mattered, because the breaths and words we shared were the end all. Intimacy, connection, relating, understanding, learning—all together made a pure circumference of love.

I continued on reading and moved onto his other works. There were moments she’d have me pause, we’d discuss what he said, and then there were moments where she listened in silence.

We were creating a space together. We both knew it and there was no need to express it with spoken words. We just knew.

__________

I hadn’t realized we fell asleep until the moon reached a height that made it bright enough to fill the room via the skylight. I awoke and watched her sleep, curled into my side. The moment earlier was a perfect one for a box, but this one, this one was perfect for a painting. The blue glow of the moon against the snow made her black hair shine with an ethereal hue. She looked more beautiful for it. It wasn’t because of her outward beauty, but because she looked like she was glowing from the pure resilience she held.

She pushed me to be more resilient, and she didn’t even know it.

I pushed her hair off her face and kissed her temple to wake her.

On a moan she opened her eyes and looked up at me. “Hey,” she said with a smile.

“Hey, it’s nighttime,” I said, pointing over my shoulder at the window.

“That it is. Are we going to go outside now?” she asked with a grin.

“That’s up to you. It looks cold, but if you’re game, I am.” I curled into her side lying behind her, wrapping my arm over hers as we both watched the moon.

She sighed. “Okay, let’s do this. We need a game plan first.”

I laughed. “A game plan?”

“Yes, we can’t just run out there all willy-nilly. We need to have a plan.”

“I think willy-nilly is what we need to do,” I said with a kiss on the back of her head.

“You’re right—come on.” She jumped from the bed and she was just short enough not to hit her head on the ceiling. I had to slouch a bit when I stood up with her. I brought her lips to mine and held her tight, absorbing the feel of her.

I let go of her and started down the ladder before her. She stepped down onto it when I nodded to her and I encased her against the ladder as we both moved down a step at a time. I saw that her one foot wasn’t as awake as the other yet, so I took it slower than normal.

When we both reached the main floor, I handed her sweater to her and picked up my boots to put on.

“You’re wearing your boots?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said with a nod as I sat on the bench to pull them on. “I’m adventurous, but not that adventurous. Having cold feet is the worst.”

She laughed as she put her sweater on and picked up my stocking cap to pull down over her ears. “Okay, I will wear mine too, then.”

She pulled her boots on and stood before me with her sweater hanging open. She gave me her hat to wear. It was a rusty orange and I smiled up at her as I pulled it on.

“Let me start the fire back up before we go out there. We will want it when we come back in,” I said, kneeling down before the stove.

When I built the fire up to how I wanted it, I leaned back and shut the door to the stove, sealing the flames in. I felt her warmth behind me as she leaned down and put her hands on my shoulders before kissing behind my ear. “You should at least wear a flannel—don’t you think?” she asked on a whisper.

“Sure thing,” I said, standing and picking up my flannel before stepping to the door. I turned back to her before opening it. She held her hand up with a countdown and then as she pointed at the door, I opened it.

A blast of cold air met us, but it wasn’t cold enough to make us turn back inside. I reached for her hand and as she placed it in mine, we ran out.

She pulled the door closed, and we ran through the field toward the lake. I stopped our run and pulling her in front of me, I rested my chin on her shoulder as we both looked up at the moon.

“How’re you doing?” I asked through chattering teeth.

“I’m fine,” she said with a laugh and a chatter of her own. “This is worth it though. We can see clear across the field. It’s beautiful.” She pulled my arm tighter around her and reached her hand back to the side of my leg before she reached all the way behind me, smacking my butt before giving it a pinch.

“Ahh… that wasn’t nice.” I laughed. “It’s cold and it still stings.”

“I figured it would,” she said on a laugh before turning around in my arms and facing me. She met my smile with one of her own and held her hands together under her chin between us. “This is perfect.”

“I know it is,” I said, kissing her cold nose.

“It’s perfect, but I think I need to go inside soon. So, before we do, I need to do something.” She pulled her sweater off with a swiftness I wasn’t expecting and threw it at me before she took off running across the field. The run had a skip to it because of her left foot she fought with, but she didn’t let the fight stop her. She was winning the fight when she stopped and twirled, looking up at the moon.

I pulled my flannel around me and held her sweater in front of me, trying to keep warm. I thought of joining her, but it was her moment. She needed it.

She looked like some kind of mythical creature as her black hair danced around her in the moonlight. She was pure liberation in a human form and I would do anything for her to feel that freedom in every moment.

She stopped twirling and looked right at me. Her pale skin looked blue from the moon as she smiled and walked with casual determination toward me. She bit her lip as she reached out for her sweater. Pulling it on, she then wrapped her arms around my neck and hopped up into mine.

“Okay, let’s go inside now.”