Safeword Quinacridone (33 page)

Chapter Twenty-Three

“She’s turned on by watersports? And you’re upset with this? Where’s Travis and what’ve you done with him?”

“Very funny. I’m trying to be serious here.”

Paul grinned and shifted gears as they commenced the arduous climb up a long hill. “Yes, yes.” He huffed. “I know you are, but I’m trying to give you some perspective.”

Travis followed Paul’s lead and shifted as well, leaning forward and pedaling faster. “I’ve never considered spending the rest of my life with someone before. I love her, and worry where we’ll be twenty years from now if we do too much, too fast.”

The two were silent until they reached the top and were pedaling easily again, and Paul said, “Consider this: the other women did what you desired without making their own needs part of the equation. You knew how far you wanted to go and had an idea of how far you’d likely get by paying them. You’ve never had someone else adding their kinks into the mix, pushing you to go beyond. The two of you are playing off of each other, and while it’s the way a relationship’s supposed to work, I believe it’s scaring you.”

Travis didn’t speak as he coasted down one hill and powered up the next, pulling ahead of Paul on a narrow part of the trail. He pedaled faster, until the leaves and branches blurred as he flew past. Was Paul right? He’d never had to consider anyone else’s kink, and for the first time it wasn’t all about what
he
wanted. So far, Cara hadn’t asked him to do something he was averse to, but if she did, how would he handle it? Would he keep objectifying her past the point of a healthy relationship if she asked? How would he know what was healthy and what was too much? Was pissing on the woman you love better or worse than pissing on someone you’d paid to treat as less than human?

The second bench came into view long before Travis expected and he braked hard, looking upriver a few seconds before turning around to see how far Paul lagged behind. He didn’t see him so he parked his bike and hefted himself up onto the bench, enjoying the view as he waited. His gaze travelled to the marina in the inlet to his right, and he considered buying another boat. He
’d bought a large one years ago
but hadn’t enjoyed it as much as he’d expected, and promptly sold it. But now, the thoughts of taking Cara out, and the two of them in the middle of the water, alone with the rocking of the boat
...
it had merit.

Paul rode up several minutes later and leaned his bike against a tree before walking to the riverbank. He sat gracefully and threw his legs over the edge without speaking, the silence comfortable between them as he let the younger man have all the time he needed to process his thoughts.

Travis looked around to make sure no hikers were near and said, “What’s to keep us from taking things too far? You had to convince Meg to remove watersports from her hard limit list, and even after she’d taken it off you waited months before you actually did it.” He shook his head
and
spread his arms. “But Cara’s interested and it’s probably only a matter of time before she’ll want me to...” He stood, took a few steps, paced back, and reclaimed his seat on the bench. “What’s next? How far will we go? What happens ten years from now when we have to do something totally insane to keep pushing the envelope?”

“I think the very fact you’re worrying is reason to believe you’ll be responsible. I know couples who’ve been together for decades, and you’re right — sometimes they do things neither would’ve considered when they first met, but those with a foundation in reality still have hard limits.”

“I love her
. W
hat if I take her too far? What if I damage her somehow, doing something she wants but neither of us should actually consider?”

Paul swiveled around and leaned against a tree, stretching his legs out on the ground. He glanced at Travis briefly before looking forward to focus in the marina’s direction. “This isn’t just about watersports. What specifically is worrying you?”

“I’m realizing some of the things I’ve done, some of my turn-ons...” He stopped for several minutes and Paul kept his gaze on the marina, giving Travis time to pull his thoughts together.

“I’ve always believed it was about power and sex, but I’m recognizing part of my kink is objectification — turning a woman into a
thing
I can fuck, stripping away her
...
personhood? I never thought of it in those terms, but I can see now how pissing on a woman behind a dumpster, making them kneel and crawl, not allowing someone to look me in the eye, or to speak unless asked a direct question — it’s all about turning her into an object. Something less than human.”

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Cara has this need for objectification, and many of her fantasies include some pretty scary body modification. Right now, she doesn’t want to actually do it, but the idea certainly excites and arouses her. I can bring her to orgasm just by tying her up and talking about doing terrible things to her body, without laying a hand on her.”

“And are these ‘
terrible things
’ a turn-on for you?”

Travis blew a breath out and said, “Yeah. They disgust me, but I’m hard as a rock when I talk about them.”

“What specifically turns you on?”

“She told me of someone who’d had all their teeth removed, so they could give better blowjobs.” He looked down at his hands and spoke quietly. “Her orgasms are practically through the roof when I tie her legs out of the way and point out if I had a surgeon amputate them at the hip joints I wouldn’t have to hassle with them when I fuck her.” He shook his head. “I’d never do it, and on some level the idea makes me sick to my stomach, and yet...”

“Ah, yes, I can see your dilemma.” Paul turned to meet Travis’ eyes. “One of your hard limits has always been no permanent damage,” he smiled, arching his eyebrows and adding, “Even when you were young and stupid.”

Travis rolled his eyes. “Right. So I say I’d never do it, but how do I know for sure what I may do ten years from now? Before I met Cara I’d have sworn I’d never consider pulling someone’s teeth.” At Paul’s sharp look, he rushed to add, “I’m
not
considering it, but I’m turned on by the idea. We’ve agreed our talking about it is pure fantasy, but...” he sighed again, his eyes meeting Paul’s a few seconds before he said, “It’s starting to scare me.”

Paul returned Travis’ gaze a moment before looking away, staring at the constantly moving water as he talked. “I know of a couple who’ve gone too far. Way too far, in my opinion. He found a surgeon out of the country who put in ridiculously huge breast implants, completely removed her outer labia and clit hood, cut her vocal chords, and did something to disable the tendons controlling her thumbs.”

He looked back at Travis and continued. “He regularly beats the bottoms of her feet so she has no choice but to crawl, and he’s contemplated having her Achilles tendons cut and her hearing destroyed. He trained his two huge Great Danes to enjoy fucking her, and she’s not allowed to turn them away when they mount her.” He shook his head, his voice becoming melancholy as his focus returned to the river and he said, “He’s made her less than human, but still wants conversation and camaraderie, and he’s dating other women. His slave signed a contract, knowing this was a possibility, but I wonder if she truly understood she’d be relegated to a pet — a
creature
— while he found other human companionship.”

Sighing, Paul turned from the water and faced Travis. “I know for a fact she wanted everything that happened to her up until a few months ago. I’m not sure about the most recent
developments
as he’s begun dating other submissives
because I think she’s too far gone to know what she wants now. She truly isn’t human anymore, and I have my doubts she could be brought back. Her owner’s made arrangements, so if something happens to him another Master will become responsible for her.”

Travis dropped his gaze to his hands. “You aren’t helping, Paul. The thought I might take Cara that far makes me want to break up with her now, before we have a chance to see how far we might go. God, what you’re talking about — it’s criminal, isn’t it? I mean, I know we’re supposed to be okay with other people’s kinks, but
...
shit
.”

“The current laws criminalize anything that deliberately puts so much as a bruise on someone, whether consensual or not. Most of us are used to the idea of the justice system considering our sex lives illegal, and it makes it harder for us, as a group, to have conversations about what truly steps over the line.” He shrugged. “Personally, I have major issues when someone lacks the capacity to give informed consent. However, in this case I don’t think there’s anything to be done, because I don’t believe the woman in question can be brought back to her humanity.”

Travis scowled. “What’s fucked is I can understand the desire to keep pushing, and pushing, until the person becomes a
thing
. I can see the challenge, the power trip of it. It’s a great fantasy, but the reality would be horrific.” He shook his head. “Why would a woman actually consent? And if she does, shouldn’t her agreement mean she’s so screwed up she shouldn’t be allowed to give consent?”

He kicked the dirt. “Fuck, Paul. Should I just break up with her now? To make sure I’m never tempted to do these things to her?”

The older man’s smile was kind, patient. “I told you about this couple to make a point —
you’ll never take Cara so far
. You love her mind as much as her kink. I’ve watched the two of you play off each other intellectually, and I don’t believe either of you’ll do anything to curtail that part of your lives. Her art defines her, so you won’t take her thumbs from her permanently. She’s your friend, not just your lover, and you’d
never
destroy her voice. You enjoy making her a
thing
for brief periods, but then you want your girlfriend back. I can’t see you doing it full time.”

“This couple you’re talking about, they didn’t have that?”

Paul shook his head. “Not even a little. Their relationship’s always been about their kink. She worked for a health insurance company when they met
, and was
one of those drones who approves or denies claims
,
but it was a job and not a career. When he decreed she’d quit and be his full time slave, she didn’t blink an eye; the prospect of total dependence on him fed her kink. She wrote in her blog
s
he was on the verge of an orgasm when she handed her notice to her supervisor.”

A squirrel ran between them and up a tree, stopping ten feet up to scold and chitter at them. Travis watched it a few seconds and turned back to Paul. “Cara’d never be happy letting me support her. She bought groceries again last week!” He waved his arms and said it again, for good measure. “Groceries! I give Debbie a card to purchase everything we need, why would Cara want to walk through a grocery store and buy
food
? With her own money? We’ve argued about it a few times, and she’s bound and determined she won’t be dependent on me. So yeah, she’ll always have her art, and I’ll never do anything to harm that part of her life.” He breathed out in frustration. “I still say if I’m pissing on her eight months after she moves in with me, the thoughts of what we’ll be doing two decades from now is scary.”

“I think you need to talk to Cara about it, and perhaps the two of you come up with some guidelines together. Honestly though, as long as she intends to remain active in society, you’ll be fine.”

“You kept Meg bald for a while, so she had to we
ar wigs when she left the house. W
as that your kink or hers?”

He laughed. “Certainly not hers, she hated it.” Sobering, he added, “It was my line in the sand, to find out if she was serious about relinquishing all control and all decisions to me.”

“It’s grown back out now, did you tire of it? We discussed it when you shaved it, but I don’t think we’ve talked about why you let her grow it again.”

He smiled. “Can’t take it away again unless I give it back.” His face went serious as he added, “I needed to take something she’d never considered the possibility of losing. It was a mental thing, more than physical. I made her ask me to shave it.”

Travis nodded, thinking back. “I remember the story. You offered a three-month contract, but she asked for a year’s term and wanted you to assume more authority than you’d intended so soon. You said she’d have to prove she was sincere about giving up all control before you’d consider her terms.”

Paul smiled at the memory. “I had someone come to the house to wax her legs, pussy, ass, armpits, and eyebrows. When the aesthetician left, Meg had to kneel before me and ask me to shave her head and make her mine. She bawled her eyes out as I cut it short
,
and cried quietly the whole time I shaved it. I don’t think I’ve ever been so hard in my life. Almost makes me want to do it again.” His gaze returned to the water. “You know, on second thought, maybe it’s become one of my kinks.”

“I don’t remember her not having eyebrows. You covered the baldness with wigs, how’d you explain the eyebrows?”

“We spent three weeks at the kink-friendly resort in the Caribbean, and they’d grown out enough by the time we got back, it wasn’t a big deal.” He shifted and tossed a rock into the river. “I know you and Cara don’t have a D/s dynamic unless you’re in a scene, but there’s nothing to stop you from using something similar as a short-term objectification experience. There are lots of things you can do that aren’t permanent.”