Seth's Broadway Diary, Volume 1: Part 2 (34 page)

This week, I'm in Houston with James, his sister, Juli and his mom. I head back right after Christmas and, hopefully, we'll finally get a new apartment. Hanukkah just began, so make sure you enjoy plenty of latkes and all the other signature deep fried Jewish foods that have prevented most members of my family from wearing two-piece bathing suits since the mid-‘70s. And don't forget to see the Broadway shows that are closing!

Home for the Holiday

December 29, 2008

Hello, everyone! This year is coming to an end. Wah! Sad face. COL (crying out loud).

Anyhoo, I just got back from Houston and here's my update. Let's see: Before I left, I went to see
Shrek
and must give a shout out to the terrific cast. Chris Sieber had so many fun-nee moments as Lord Farquaad that I have briefly forgiven him for appearing on the Olsen twin sitcom
Two of a Kind
. Let me follow that with a) I don't have a sitcom credit for anyone to forgive me for and b) I'm sure Chris is accepting my forgiveness as he rows to his stunning accessible-only-by-boat manse he bought with his sitcom money. Seriously. He owns an island. I spoke to him afterwards about the moment in Act Two when he pulls up on his horse and says, "Whoa,
Xanadu
." Apparently, he changes the name of his horse nightly (recent names: Beyoncé and Condoleeza). Hmm… perhaps "Rudetsky" could one day be an option? Are there Jewish horses? Holsteins? Are they just cows?

Speaking of Jewish cows, my sister (no, not her… wait for it) was visiting from Norfolk, and went to a Jewish Steakhouse (AKA Jewish cow) on Saturday with another couple and their rabbi (and his wife) from her shul. I told Nancy I would stop by "for drinks" (Manischewitz?), and as soon as I sat down, Nancy commented on my inappropriate outfit. Not only was I wearing a T-shirt in a fancy restaurant, but the restaurant itself was Glatt Kosher, and my shirt boasted an enormous lobster. She made me block the non-kosherness by holding a menu in front of me while we were at the table.

I spent all day Saturday with her adorable daughters and need to write about one of my classic calamities. Both girls (Rachel Sarah and Eliana) go to Yeshiva and are constantly talking about things that they think I understand but have
no idea
about since I went to public school. A few years ago, I was talking to Rachel Sarah and asked her if she was excited about going into fourth grade. Rachel Sarah said that she was, but this year was different because they have to "learn
Neesach
." I had a vague idea that
neesach
was maybe something to do with a prayer on Saturdays, so I decided to give her some confidence and said, "You're so smart! You can do it!" Then Rachel Sarah randomly said, "My neighbor gave me a pear," and I thought, "That's so sweet! It's like those children from the 1920s who would get an orange for Christmas and think it was an amazing gift." I stayed on the fruit theme and replied, "You know, when I lived in Brooklyn, I used to have a peach tree!" She mumbled goodbye and handed the phone to my sister. Nancy heard the whole conversation and asked me what the H I was talking about. Huh? I haughtily said that I was being a supportive/fascinating uncle. No. Turns out, Rachel Sarah didn't say that this year she had to learn
neesach
, she said that this year she had to "wear knee socks"! To which my incongruous reply was "You're smart! You can do it!" Huh? Rachel Sarah didn't then tell me about the new pear she got but instead continued talking about socks and said, "My neighbor gave me a
pair
." My non-sequitur reply was, "When I lived in Brooklyn, I used to have a peach tree." WHAT? I'm sure she was wracking her nine-year-old brain trying to find a connection 'til she finally threw the phone in horror towards her mother.

Back to
Shrek
. I must declare: Sutton Foster is a gift to Broadway. She literally can do
anything
. She's such a great actress, such a great comedian and a brilliant belt-ress.
Plus
, she's an actual dancer, not just a moves-well-er. (She was one of the dancers in the national tour of
The Will Rogers Follies
when she was a senior in high school.) Her career is like one of those Broadway stars from the ‘50s: a new leading role every two years. AndI love how she remains on Broadway and hasn't done the annoying "I'm moving to L.A. to do film and television.
"
Um… ‘til BUNHEADS. But then she came back
!
One of my favorite Sutton stories involves her famous family. Her actor/writer brother Hunter is married to dancer/comedienne Jen Cody (also in
Shrek
). When Sutton first came to visit Hunter in New York, Hunter and Jen (and I) were doing
Grease!
on Broadway. There was an open call, and Sutton told Jen and Hunter that she was going to give it a shot, got her 16 bars in her hands and breezed out of the apartment. Jen remembers shaking her head and commenting to Hunter, with a know-it-all Broadway attitude, "Sutton needs to learn that you don't just show up at your first New York open call and immediately get cast" — and, essentially, before she was finished talking, Sutton ran back into the apartment screaming, "I got it!" Busted!

More lauding. Brian d'Arcy James was great as Shrek and sang up a storm on all of his songs. Speaking of singing up a storm, Brian told me that he was once at an audition, belting out his audition song. He hit a high note at the end, and as soon as he did, he was mortified at how booming he sounded and how inappropriate it was for such a small room. So instead of holding the note for the full 16 counts, he cut himself off after 13 beats and sang (on the same pitch), "
Too loud
!" to make a joke and acknowledge that he was aware of how crazy he sounded. He finished with a big smile and was met by a sea of blank faces. He did not get the gig.
A few years later, I filmed him recreating the audition for an OBSESSED video. Watch it! He’s hi-lar.

After
Shrek
, I went backstage with Juli and, as we were walking into Brian's dressing room, I heard someone on a speakerphone. We entered the room and I realized that the person speaking was Brian and saw that the reason it sounded like he was on a speakerphone was because his head was underneath a towel! As he gets his mask/make-up off every night, a warm towel is put over his head every few minutes to help steam off the green make-up. It's annoying, but his skin looks amazing!

I gained a massive amount of weight while in Houston and, upon returning, scheduled an emergency training session at my gym. I went two days after Christmas day, and right next to me was Donna McKechnie. Wow, I thought. It
is
"Turkey Lurkey Time"! She said that I was looking very built (I still got it!), and then she said that I was "ruining my image." I loved her comment 'til I began to think about what image I was ruining. Hmm… apparently, someone out of shape. She, of course, looked great and is about to star in
Steppin' Out
in Naples, Florida. I'm always asking her for
Chorus Line
info, and I loved finding out that while most of the dancers in that original cast were acting out their lives, her story was mostly given to the character of Maggie. Donna is the one who used to "dance around the living room with my arms up." Donna's family thought she was putting her arms up above her head to look like a ballet dancer (in high 5th position), but she told me that her arms were like that because she was imagining putting them all the way up on her partner's shoulders. Speaking of
A Chorus Line
, I just remembered a hilarious story that Kelly Bishop told me during a
Chatterbox
. She won the Tony Award for playing Sheila and if you've ever listened to the cast album, you'd know that she's not what you'd call a "high belter." A few years after
A Chorus Line
, she had an audition and was very nervous about hitting the high notes in the song. She finally got her nerve up, walked into the audition room and sang. She finished the song, they thanked her and after she walked out of the room, she turned to her pianist and beamed saying, "Wow! That wasn't so difficult to sing after all! I hardly had any trouble hitting the high notes." He looked at her and said, "Kelly. You sang the whole song down an octave." I love how, even one full octave down, she "hardly" had any trouble hitting the high notes.

And, finally, here's the update on James' mom. She began chemo last week… and had no side effects! She literally danced a jig when we came to pick her up. Juli is still down in Texas visiting with her, so James and I are going to see lots of shows this week because we don't have to hire a babysitter. Delicious! New Year's Eve will be a game night at my place, and then New Year's Day will be the traditional pancakes at Julia Murney's. Okay, everyone, as we said in elementary school and thought was hilarious: See you next year!

Keep an eye out for Seth’s Broadway Diary, Volume 2 in 2015…

Acknowledgements

Thank you to…

David Friedman who told me after a performance in the late ‘90’s that it was great to watch me interact with celebs onstage because I’m such a fan. It inspired me to do my own talk show. 

Richie Jackson who told me to do said talk show live every week, hence
Seth’s Broadway Chatterbox
.

Sidney Meyer and everyone at Don’t Tell Mama for letting me do the
Chatterbox
there since 1999.

Mike Peters for hiring me at Sirius.

Seth Bisen-Hirsch for filming so many
Chatterboxes
.

Franky Conway for coming to Don’t Tell Mama on so many Thursday nights.

Christie Ford for being the
Chatterbox
DVD and website maven.

Rob Johnston for being my photographer so many times.

Phil Birsh for hiring me at Playbill.com and Andrew Gans for editing my column every week and coming up with those sassy titles.

Tiffany Grant for re-editing the columns.

Joey Monda for foisting this idea on me.

Ross Cohen, Ben Lerner and Travis Amiel… my dream team of interns in the summer of ’14.

Proof readers extraorinaire Sierra Fox, Jen Hoguet, Ann Harada and Hannah Ehrenberg

Brisa Trinchero and Roberta Pereira for saying yes to this book and working so hard to make it good.

ALL the Broadway folk who told me amazing/hilarious/inspiring/mortifying stories.

And, finally, this book would not have happened without the guidance, ideas and harrassment of my sweet husband James. Truly.

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