Stand By Your Hitman (7 page)

“Good job,” I said to Cricket and she nodded.

Sami went next, and at the end of the line I saw her and Silas struggling to get out of their harnesses. The other team was having a hard time figuring out how everything worked. And for a moment I panicked. People have
died
on these things. You had to get the combination exactly right. What was this stupid production company thinking?

Lex went through, and then I sent Cricket. Over on the other platform, it looked like they had the first person, Kit, ready to go. Unfortunately, they’d done it all wrong and in a matter of minutes the girl was about to fall twenty feet to her death.

Isaac was standing in front of me on the platform, grinning. It occurred to me that I could take care of
him right there and then. All I’d have to do was mess with the carabiners and he’d plummet to his death.

“Are you okay?” Isaac asked.

I realized I was stalling. The job could be over and I could go home. The idea pounded in my brain as I held his fate, quite literally, in my hands. Isaac smiled at me and my stomach turned inside out. I couldn’t do it. Quickly I secured him, then sent him safely to the other side of the line.

Something snapped as I saw that the other team was about to inadvertently kill one of their own. I leaped over the edge of our platform and ran toward Inuit, waving my arms and yelling, “Wait!” I climbed the steps two at a time and in a few moments had completely reorganized their zip-line system. I sent Kit and she rode the line to the end in silence. After sending two more of their team members safely, I realized what I was doing.

“Do it just as I did!” I shouted as I raced back to my platform. I avoided eye contact with my tribe—who remained strangely silent. I clicked the second carabiner into place and stepped off the platform.

Shit. I’d forgotten to release the safety line! I was just dangling in midair a foot away from the platform. A quick glance at the other team told me the last person was getting ready to go. If they won, I’d have blown it big time.

Reaching up for the line, I scrambled to get my feet back on the platform. I managed to lessen the tension
just enough to unhook the carabiner and slid to the ground on the other side.

“Ottawa wins!” Alan shouted and I collapsed to the ground. It was over. After a few moments, I opened my eyes and saw a variety of emotions on the faces of my teammates. I couldn’t tell if they thought I’d behaved nobly or idiotically, and I didn’t care. We’d won and everyone survived. Literally.

Back at camp, I found myself at the mango tree talking to myself. “Dammit. I choked. I froze. What the hell?” I repeated this over and over, like some twisted meditation.

“Mom.” Jackson’s voice came from above.

After looking around to see if any of the camera crew was there, I looked up.

“Hey, kids.” I didn’t feel much like chastising them. I was too happy to see someone I knew…someone who I knew loved and supported me.

“We saw what happened,” Monty said quietly. “It’s okay.”

“Yeah,” Jack piped up. “It can’t be easy to take Vic out when he’s a friend.”

I shook my head. “I’m pretty sure I can’t do it at all, guys.”

“It’s okay.” Jack unfolded himself so his red hair hung upside down. “We’re going to help you.”

Monty appeared beside his brother. “Don’t do anything
until we can think of something.” I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little
verklempt
at their attempts to comfort me.

There was an idea. “Hey, will you guys do me a favor and look into Vic for me?” I asked. “He just doesn’t seem to be the type we usually axe. Maybe my judgment is clouding up from being so close to him, but I need more motivation. Can you get me the scoop?”

Monty grinned. “Roger that.”

“Yeah! We’ll get right on it,” Jack echoed.

I wanted to hug them both, but couldn’t risk it. I just turned away and headed back to camp. This would work, I told myself. The boys would figure something out. And their research would make my job clearer. A small, but significant sense of relief crept over me. At least I could put plans on hold until I heard back.

I was just about to camp when I spotted Lex leaning against a tree. The way the sun came down, illuminating his face, turned my skin to gooseflesh.

“I was waiting for you,” he said. “I think what you did today—rescuing the other team like that—was amazing.”

Before I knew what was happening, Lex pulled me into his arms and kissed me. It was one of those brain-melting kisses that I haven’t had in years, I might add. My arms slid around his neck and I kissed him back with everything I had.

I was just starting to come to my senses and drag him off into the bushes for a quickie when something went clunk and I felt Lex flinch.

“Whoa!” He pulled back and began massaging his head. On the ground I spotted a hard, unripe mango. Looking up into the trees, I thought I saw a flash of red.

“Damn monkeys!” Lex cursed with a smile.

Yeah. Damn monkeys, I thought. Damn monkeys with red hair.

“Are you okay?” I asked, reaching up to touch the lump that was forming on his head.

“I’m fine.” Lex smiled and it looked like we were going to make out again. Yay!

“Missi! Lex! Jesus Christ, where the fuck are you bastards?” Sami’s voice was nearby.

We broke apart quickly as she joined us. Looking from one to the other, Sami got this “wink, wink, nudge, nudge” look.

“We’re celebrating back at camp.” She jabbed a thumb over her shoulder. “But I think I interrupted some private celebration here.”

“Sami!” I started. “You didn’t swear once in either sentence!”

She grinned. “Guess I’m losing my goddamned touch.” Sami turned and raced off, leaving Lex and me to walk back to camp.

“Tell me about yourself,” I teased. In all honesty, I didn’t know that much about him.

Lex looked at me sideways and smiled. “What do you want to know?”

“Whatever.” Gak! I was too new to this dating stuff. I didn’t want to sound like an idiot—I just couldn’t help myself.

“Okay. I’m a bartender and former stuntman. I don’t really live in Canada. My brother thought it would be funny to sign me up for the show. I had no idea until I got the letter in the mail. By then I thought, why not? And here I am.”

“That’s funny. My, um…” I paused, wondering how much to tell him about my family. I didn’t want to tell him the Bombays sent me here to kill Isaac. I was pretty sure that was a first-date no-no. “…mom and sons did the same thing to me.” I filled him in on Monty and Jack’s saying that they thought their mom should live a little. Not totally a lie. In fact, it was embarrassingly close to the truth.

Lex laughed. “Do you think that’s how the others got here?”

“I suspect Cricket’s fellow camp counselors were debating between this and killing her. I think Silas enjoys pain and suffering a little too much.”

“What else should I know about you?” Lex squeezed my hand.

“Oh. Well, I’m a widow and live in Texas.” There was no way I was going to tell him what I really did for a living, but I figured there was no harm in a little truth. “I’m an inventor. I like to make things.”

“Like what?” he asked. Of course he asked. What the hell was I doing? It’s not like I could claim credit for Post-its. Although I’ve always been jealous that I didn’t come up with them. That and those plastic sleeves menus come in so they don’t get messy.

“Oh, this and that.” I tried to change the direction
a little. I couldn’t talk about my disintegrating bullets or exploding Wacky WallWalkers, now, could I? At least, not yet.

I pulled my bracelet off and straightened it. “I invented this for the show.” I pointed out the saw, the flint stones, and other handy applications.

“I’m impressed. So that’s how you’ve managed out here. And that explains the resourcefulness in the challenges.”

Lex’s reply made me sigh with relief. Maybe he wouldn’t press. And now that we were back at camp, there’d be more people to distract him.

“Great job!” Isaac called as we rejoined everyone.

“I think it’s really cool that you saved Inuit like that,” Cricket chirped. “But we have to be careful. We don’t want them to win.”

Silas nodded. “That was honorable. Damned challenge wasn’t very authentic.”

Julie interrupted our little party, casting a dour malaise on everything.

“Ottawa’s presence is requested at Tribal Council,” she said as if announcing the Queen of England.

“Why?” Lex stepped forward. “We won. Why should we have to go?”

Julie put her hand up in his face. “You get to watch the other team vote off a member. And you really have to be silent this time!”

We looked at each other. That seemed rather cruel. Leave it to Julie to come up with something like that. What a sadist. She’d fit right in with the Bombays. I
was starting to wonder about her lineage, when Isaac broke in.

“When do we go?”

“Now,” Julie answered. She turned and marched imperiously into the jungle. No one followed her, mainly because we hated her.

She returned, red-faced. “I said, NOW!”

It only took a few minutes to get to the pool at the Blanco Tigre. A little section was roped off for us and a luau for the guests was in full swing. Now that was cruel. We stared, drooling at the clean, well-dressed tourists gobbling down roasted pork, fruit kabobs and more. I was salivating over the iced-down beer, but that’s just me.

“Are you fucking kidding?” Sami said to Julie. “We have to do this here? And we have to watch all those goddamned bastards eating like that?”

“Sami!” Julie turned red again and I wondered if her head would pop off. “Please stop swearing! If you don’t, I’ll have to dub your voice on the tape!”

Sami winked at me. “Whatever, bitch.”

“She’s got a point,” Silas started. “This ain’t authentic at all. How can we go through with this if ya ain’t followin’ the rules?”

The rest of us nodded and it was clear that Julie wanted to be somewhere else. But we weren’t letting her off the hook. This was mean and stupid.

At that second, who should round the corner with a plate of food but Alan. He was flirting with some blonde, a cold beer in one hand and a mouth full of barbecue.

“You know,” Alan said to the blonde, “I work in television. I’m a big star up north.”

I figured that he was implying the U.S., because who the hell cares about a big star in Canada? The girl giggled and—oops, will you look at that? Her dress strap
accidentally
slipped from her shoulder.

Julie cleared her throat obnoxiously and Alan froze when he saw us, looking like a kid who got caught with his whole arm in the cookie jar.

“Julie, could I see you for a moment please?” His voice was strained and I couldn’t help but giggle. As a group, we followed her.

“Guys—” Alan started, smearing barbecued pork– stained fingers on a napkin. He had a big glob of it on his face. We didn’t tell him. “Just Julie, okay?”

Sami shook her head. “I don’t fucking think so, you bastard. It’s torture enough being here. Might at least have a little goddamned fun.”

Ernie shouldered his camera and whispered, “Don’t worry. I’ll catch it. I’ll share it with you if you give me a little footage of you performing one of your miracles later.” I winked my response and he followed the two off into the jungle.

The second they were out of sight, the Ottawa tribe scrambled for the buffet table. Without a word we stuffed as much food as we could into our bags. To my surprise, Silas scooped up enough beer for us to get pretty drunk later. I guessed he was getting sick of the show too. Either that or they’d had a kegger at the surrender at Appomattox.

We were all seated and looking innocent when Alan returned, barbecue glob still on his face. Julie looked seriously pissed. Ernie was grinning. I guess we could add entertainment to the booze and food later.

“Will the Inuit Tribe please enter the Tribal Council area?” Alan boomed, raising his arms like he was some kind of god.

One by one, the other team filed in, looking with surprise at us, and with horror at the luau going on around them. Several of the resort guests dragged chairs over, with full plates on their laps.

“Inuit,” Alan intoned, staring not at the team, but at the bimbo in the audience. The lump of sauce on his face quivered respectfully. “You lost the immunity challenge. Therefore, you have to vote off one of your members.” He pointed dramatically at them and his voice got even louder. “One of you will be going home to night.”

“Kit,” Alan said, “you’ve spent these first few days without food or drinkable water. How are you feeling?”

Kit sniffled. “Well, Alan, it’s pretty hard, you know?” She looked at our host—who, in turn, looked pissed off that she’d used his first name—then burst into tears. “I can’t get voted off! Not tonight! I’ve been the first one voted off two other reality shows! Please, please, please, don’t vote for me!” the leggy brunette pleaded with her teammates.

The resort guests stared at her, eyes wide open, and filling their mouths with food. I hoped they’d get trichinosis.

“Um, okay.” Alan squirmed (which made me happy). “Brick. How about you?”

Brick turned in his seat toward the camera and stared at it thoughtfully for a moment. Or at least, acting like he was staring thoughtfully at it. I noticed Moe rolling his eyes and smiled.

“Being stranded, here in paradise, with only the simplest of needs met, I find that I—Brick Phoenix—am like a child lost among the tempest storm of life…itself.” He frowned at the camera, then turned back to Alan, who looked a little shaken.

“Liliana?” Our host squeaked.

This Inuit member rose to her feet, startling everyone else. “My body is my art. Food and water are the media I use to sustain my art. Without these tools, my body will no longer be art.” She sat down dramatically.

I was starting to think everyone on Inuit had some form of heatstroke. Alan didn’t seem to know how to respond to any of this.

Moe raised his hand and spoke before being asked. “I think it sucks.” He reminded me of the character Ed, in
Shaun of the Dead
. “Especially with the resort so close by. But I’ll do whatever I have to do to win the twenty-five thousand dollars.”

What? We were playing for only twenty-five thousand dollars? The other show at least gave you one million dollars if you won. These poor bastards were playing for practically nothing! My empathy level spiked for Inuit and I cursed the producers.

“I think what you have here is our struggle with our inner selves,” Dr. Andy piped up, using his hands as he spoke. Obviously he thought it gave him more of a stage presence. He was an African American Dr. Phil wannabe. “In living so primitively, we are literally starving the part of our ego that demands entitlement. It’s very therapeutic when you look at it that way.”

I could have used some therapy. I wished I could have talked to Dr. Andy just then about my problem. Of course, I couldn’t—but there was something comforting in knowing he was right there.

Bob seemed to realize he was the only one who hadn’t spoken, so he threw in his two cents. No politician could stay quiet for long, but I wasn’t surprised he’d waited to get in the last word. “I suggest that no matter what, we do this demo cratically, for the right reasons. I see no reason why we have to get political about this. That’s just partisan politics.”

Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Now that I saw that the Inuit tribe had all been recruited from the “short bus,” I didn’t feel so bad about what I was dealing with.

“Just go vote!” Alan shouted. He was very flustered. I wished I had some popcorn. The kind with movie theater butter. I love that. No salt though, because if you salt the top half you end up drinking most of your pop, which means you’ll have to go to the bathroom every five minutes, and for what you pay for tickets these days, you might as well just go home….

“Now I’ll tally up the votes,” Alan stated loudly,
regaining some of his composure. Gee. That went fast. How long was I thinking about popcorn?

Kit burst into a fresh round of tears as if anticipating the inevitable as Alan opened the large clay pot and pulled out the first vote.

He lifted the first slip of parchment out and read, “Kit. The first vote is for Kit.”

Kit immediately added loud sobs.

“The second vote is for Liliana.” Alan said. “One vote for Kit, one for Liliana.”