Stay (9 page)

             
His minty breath on my face sends sensual shivers down my spine. My mind instantly goes to that dirty place he always takes me to when he gets this close to me.

             
The thought of him being jealous for any reason makes me yearn for him to ravish me right up against Magda’s car.
Calm down, Alex! Keep it together.

             
I feel his hand caressing the curve on my lower back and I automatically lean into him. I open my eyes when I feel his arousal by my waist wanting to see if he needs me just as much as I need him.

             
But as I stare into his eyes I don’t know what to believe from him anymore. All I know is that I want him so badly right now even after all that’s happened tonight but I don’t know if he genuinely means what he just said. I have to figure this out.

             
“What do you want from me, Jason?” I whisper back to him, trying to get back on topic.

             
His eyes roam my face before he answers softly, “I want you to come back to me, baby…Melanie means nothing to me. I didn’t lie to you. She was what I had to take care of tonight. Her and I had some business to take care of and she felt the need to kiss me once I was done…I didn’t kiss her back, Alexandra. I want you to believe me…to trust in me enough to know that everything I do is to protect you…please…”

             
The tears I’ve been holding back this whole night finally spill over at hearing the sincerity in his voice.

             
My heart tells me to believe him but my mind says not to, it tells me to run as far away from him as possible, but I can’t. He just owns me—every part of me.

             
“You were…kissing her…” I remind him in between breaths.

             
He lets go of the handle and brings his hand to my face.

             
Making circles with his thumb on my cheek he explains, “I wasn’t kissing her back…I was pulling her off of me when you showed up. I’ve
never
had anything with her or anybody here. Please believe me--it is worth it.”

             
I find myself taken aback by his sweet words and my heart flutters at the hope I start to feel again because I realize that in the last two months that we’ve spent together, he’s never said I was his out loud. It’s only when we’re making love that he makes me feel that way…but he never says it.

             
My heart races at the memory of him finally saying that I was his. But I still have to clear the air about this whole thing.

             
“Jason—I do believe you. I always do...I just don’t know how much longer I can wait for you to be totally honest with me. I know there’s more…” I say softly.

             
His eyes are haunted at the mention of what he hides from me and it breaks my heart when he looks away from me before saying, “I can’t right now, Alexandra. I will—soon. I just—“

             
“Okay…okay…I’m not going to push you. I never have…just like you don’t push me,” I say interrupting his internal struggle even though there’s nothing more that I want than for him to open up.

             
He places a gentle kiss on my lips making me forget this whole weird “relationship” we have going on.

             
I believe everything he’s said to me tonight because it’s been what I’ve wanted to hear for a long time but mostly it’s because right now…I believe in
us
.

Chapter Four

January

             
I place the last piece of tape behind the picture of Jason and me, the one that I took at last week’s football game. I walk over and find a place for it with all the other ones I’ve taped up to the wall to the right of my desk.

             
I love taking pictures of him alone but I especially like it when we take them together. Those are the ones that I like to post up for everyone to see, since it’s the only way for me to really claim him.

             
I smile inwardly because of how happy he makes me and just thinking about how much time we’ve spent together makes my heart full. Even after the drama with Melanie, we’re still here.

             
I feel Jason watching me as I put the tape back in the top drawer of my desk.

             
I turn to him as he gets up from my bed and heads towards the door.

             
“Am I going to see you tonight at Jesse’s party?” I ask over Richard Clayderman’s ‘Love Story’ playing on my laptop.

             
I’m a hopeless romantic, what can I say? That…and Clayderman is the shit, I don’t care what anyone says.

             
He stops mid stride. “Ummm--about that—listen…I--”

             
I raise an eyebrow and frown when I get closer. “What about it?”

             
He looks away from me and shakes his head before turning to face me again. “Nothing, babe. I’ll see you there, okay?”

             
I ignore how tense the atmosphere just got because I’m too excited about seeing him tonight. “Great. I can’t wait!” I say with a wink.

             
I lean in to close the gap between us and place a passionate kiss on his lips.

             
He hugs me tight against his chest. As he pulls away he takes a stray curl and places it behind my ear, making my eyes close.

             
I still can’t believe he has this effect on me without even knowing it or maybe he does. Frankly I don’t care. All I know is that I love it.

             
We stand in that embrace for a minute and when I open my eyes, I see him staring at me with an expression on his face that I can’t interpret. It’s like his eyes are memorizing every single part of me, which is weird because I’m going see him later. It must just be my imagination.

             
“You okay, Jason?”I ask, placing my right hand on his cheek.

             
He closes his eyes briefly. As he opens them again I see a pained look cross over his face but it’s gone within seconds.

             
“Yes. I’m fine. I’ll see you tonight.” He says in a hurry, giving me a brief peck on the lips that leaves me wanting more.

             
Shortly after that he turns on his heel and starts going down the hall.

             
“Jason!”I yell as I quickly grab my camera off my dresser to take a picture of his beautiful behind walking away.

             
He turns around and I snap a picture of him.

             
I smile at him but he’s already turning back around to see it.

             
He doesn’t say anything. He just walks out the door without another glance back.

             
It’s been three months since the night I met and slept next to Jason Roberts, my Jason Roberts.

             
I sigh, closing the door and then leaning up against it. I place my camera back on the desk.

             
There is still nothing official between us yet, but it’s not for my lack of trying.

             
After that horrible night at Melanie’s party he’s told me he has things going on that make it hard for him to get into anything too serious but won’t elaborate and I don’t want him to pull away from me more than he already does, so I try not to bring it up a lot.

             
I don’t want to lose him. That would be devastating since my love for him has only gotten stronger. Our time together has been some of the happiest times in my life even with all the drama that’s happened.

             
Coming from a broken home, I only had one parent growing up and I never knew what the meaning of the word love was because I didn’t get it from my distant father or my verbally and physically abusive mother. I never thought I would ever find someone that would be able to make me feel like I could really love and be loved by someone.

             
I move to lie down on my bed.

             
It has been so easy to give my heart to Jason but it scares me and I’m not able to tell him how I really feel because I know he’s holding things back from me. I want him to open up to me but it’s hard to get through these walls he has placed that keep him from being himself with me.

             
I don’t know if he’ll ever let me get through to him and it feels like he’s distancing himself from me more and more every day.

             
I try to spend as much time with him as possible but sometimes he says he’s busy and that he’ll call me when he gets a chance but that never happens. It seems like I’m the one that puts the effort into seeing him.

             
I’m starting to feel like he really doesn’t have strong feelings for me like I do for him, even though at times his actions say differently.

             
That night about a month ago, I thought for sure things between us wouldn’t be the same since he assured me there was nothing going on with Melanie or anyone else, and I believed him. I realized that he obviously cared about me enough to fight some drunkard because of his happy hands. The least I could do was trust the fact that he wasn’t doing anything to purposefully hurt me.

             
Things ended exceptionally well that night…especially when we got back to my dorm and Magda vanished. But after that, he slowly started slipping through my fingers again.

             
Just recently he’s had less time to spend with me and he’s been more distant than usual.

             
He gets calls that he won’t take in front of me and if he does for some reason, he’s in a bad mood afterward so he ends up making up any excuse to leave. Then I won’t hear from him until a few days later, if I don’t reach him first.

             
It hurts me to know that he doesn’t feel like he can be honest with me. I’m at a disadvantage because there’s nothing that I can do to take the pain that I see in his eyes every day, away due to whatever it is that’s holding him back from me.

             
The only way that he shows me any kind of emotion is in the way he makes love to me—every time it always feels like it’s the first time because he’s always so loving and caring. He’s patient enough to make sure I get my pleasure before his. He holds me after and whispers sweet things to me as I lay there and fall asleep to his voice in my ear.

             
Those things make me feel like I’m his world and like he feels the same way that I do. But I’m not naïve enough to think that’s true because I know there’s something invisible between us that he can’t get past and won’t allow me to get through.

             
“So, is Jason coming to Jesse’s tonight?” Magda asks interrupting my melancholy thoughts as she makes her way into our room from the shower.

             
I stare up at the ceiling. “Yeah, he said he’ll be there.”

             
“Is everything good with you guys, after all the drama that’s happened?” She questions, looking through her closet full of scantly clothing.

             
I close my eyes and listen to Tatiana Owens’s ‘Pendulum’ song playing before I answer, “I’m not sure. He seems more distant now since that night in December--and you know I told you he doesn’t want to make anything official with me. It’s like he pulls me in and then pushes me away for no reason. I’ve tried getting him to talk to me about whatever it is that’s bothering him but I haven’t been able to get through to him for the past three months.” I open my eyes and take a deep breath. “I’m scared Magda, I feel like I fell hard for this guy and he might not feel the same--am I just seeing things?”

             
“Listen, Chica. I don’t know what’s up with him. I feel like I’m on the same rollercoaster as you are because to me he proved that you are something more to him that night at the party. But then…he keeps you at arm’s length and pulls back on his intensity.” She sighs before continuing, “I told you the day after you met him to be careful with him. He looks like a total heartbreaker and you seem to have fallen for him without getting the same feelings in return. I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe he’s got secrets that he doesn’t want to tell you about.”

             
I sit up and pull my knees to my chest before I look directly at her. “I know, but what kind of secrets, Magda? What could he possibly be hiding from me?”

             
She shrugs. “I don’t know, but the sooner you find out the sooner you can let him go and move on with your life,” she states matter of factly.

             
“I can’t. I can’t do that. I’ll never do that. I--I’m in love with him and I don’t want to ever let him go.” I whisper loud enough for her to hear me.

             
She stops abruptly and makes her way towards my bed plopping down next to me.             

             
“You
love
him?” She asks in a highly amused tone.

              I turn my head towards her. “I don’t know. I mean, I can’t stop thinking about him. He invades my thoughts without me even knowing it. I don’t want to go a day without seeing him, hearing his voice, feeling his touch…it’s like a part of me is missing when I’m not around him. The holidays were rough because he didn’t talk to me that whole time. I never asked him why because I figured he needed to spend time with his family….but who really knows after what Melanie said.”

             
My nerves have me biting my fingernails as I continue, “I mean, I don’t want to be clingy or question him about his whereabouts since we technically aren’t anything to each other. I know he’s pretty standoffish sometimes so I let him have his time to himself or to do whatever it is that he does, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking and dreaming about us possibly having a future together.”

             
She sighs heavily. “Well, girl…that doesn’t sound like you
don’t
know you love him. It sounds like you
know
you love him and if that’s the case you better tell him and see if he feels the same. That way it will be easier for you to ask what he’s hiding from you and why he pushes you away so much,” she says looking at me thoughtfully.

             
My brain starts thinking of the possibility that he doesn’t love me, let alone care for me. “Oh my God, Magda what if he doesn’t love me back..?” I close my eyes again, trying not to think the worst about my current non-existing relationship with him.

             
She squeezes my shoulder. “He does…maybe he just needs you to say it first. You’re never going to know if you don’t just go for it. Are you guys just seeing each other, like exclusively? Do you think there’s someone else?”

             
I glare at her, outraged that she would ask me something like that knowing everything that happened with Melanie. “NO! He’s not seeing anyone else. We’ve been through this. He adamantly states that there isn’t anybody but me, even though Melanie made it seem otherwise. There has never been a reason for me to not trust his word.” I pause to contemplate whether or not I should continue to prove my point.

             
I give in and provide more detail, “Even when we make love, it feels like the first time it did two months ago— it’s like I’m his reason to breathe and he’s mine. Obviously, I know that
I
want him to feel something for me…anything at this point. Maybe it’s my imagination but I think I see something in his eyes every time he looks at me and when he touches me it feels like he never wants to let me go but his overall attitude towards me sometimes is distant so it makes me doubt everything.”

             
“First of all TMI and you can’t trust Slutinez she sucks ball sacks….” She says smiling trying to lighten the mood but it doesn’t work.

             
She clears her throat and continues, “Second, I told you, you should tell him how you feel. That way you know once and for all whether or not he feels the same and if he wants to be in a “real” relationship with you. Instead of doing whatever it is you guys have going on that’s not labeled anything.”

             
I rub my face with my hands. “Fuck! I know you’re right. I’m just so scared of what he’ll say. I don’t want to push him away further than he already is. I care about him too much to let him go,” I say feeling tears stinging my eyes just at the thought.