Summerfield (14 page)

“You have to think about all the options here, Belle. You really do. And you need to talk to your family and make a decision. We need to start treatment soon.”

I hung my head. I knew he was right. I know fighting is the logical choice, but I was so terrified of not being strong enough. No matter what I did though, I felt like I was never going to be okay again.
Chapter Eleven
As it turns out, I'm not a good baker. I have never really had any
desire to bake brownies and cookies, but with all my built up
frustrations it was all I could do to keep myself sane. It had been
three days since I had discovered I was sick. Sure, I was mad. My
life was being ended right when it was beginning to go right again. I
didn't think I deserved this either. My family didn't deserve this.
My one should have to be taken away from every person they love,
dying the same way they watched their mother die, leaving their
family broken hearted. And Dad-Oh, God. I had no idea how he would
take it when I told him and I didn't want to think about it.
So ever since I got the news I would do anything that would allow me
to get my mind off of things. In the last three days I had gone riding
twice every day, read three books, and made several batches of cookies.
Oatmeal, chocolate chip, no bake, sugar- basically whatever we had a recipe
for.
Dad was curious to why I had suddenly found an interest in the baking
business and Aunt Ella was half mad and half joyous over my new hobby.
Mad because she was dieting, trying to get ready for the wedding, and
joyous because she loved baked goods. Of course you couldn't call
everything I made...well, good.
Take for example the burnt and overly sized oatmeal cookies I had just
taken out of the oven. They were a bit overly brown and instead of a
sheet of many cookies-it was one big pan of one huge cookie.
The worst part...getting them off the pan. I was cutting them in
squares for my own benefit when Ben walked into the kitchen.
Ben was another issue all together. I had barely said two words to him
since I had gotten the news of my failing health. I wasn't meaning to
push him away, but it seemed easier than telling him that I may not
wouldn't live past Christmas.
Ben reached an arm around me to the bowl containing the left over
cookie dough, taking some, rolling it into a ball and biting into it.
"So, I haven't seen you much lately."
I avoided eye contact and focused on prying the cookies from the
cookie sheet. "Been busy."
"Yeah, your dad told me about your new love of baking."
I shrugged, still refusing to look at him. I was hardly able to really
look at anyone anymore without every past memory flooding me. "It's
just something to do."
"Belle," His voice was gently, his hand resting on my arm. "Is
something wrong? I've barely seen you the last couple of days and when
I try to talk to you, you won't even look at me."
I was frozen in my place. I was so unsure of what to do. I knew I
needed him and that losing him would be the even harder than facing
reality right now, but continuing like this without telling him the
truth would only hurt him more in time and I never wanted to be the
cause of his pain. Being with him while not being honest with him was
selfish...I knew that, but I needed to be selfish right now because I
couldn't stand to let him go. Though the choice was lesser and lesser
becoming my decision. If things continued like this he would probably
decide that it wasn't worth it and end things. Maybe it would be
better that way.
"Belle, look at me." His voice brought me back. It was more forceful
this time, like he wasn't just asking me to, he was pleading for me
to.
I took a shaky breathe, closing my eyes tightly before opening them
again and then found myself looking straight into Ben's eyes. I hadn't
realized how much I had missed him.
He smiled a bit. "Was that so hard?"
I shook my head, my eyes not ready to leave his quite yet. "No, but as
it turns out...making oatmeal cookies is."
He chuckled, glancing to the stove top to observe my disaster. "Apparently."
I tried to glare but it seemed too hard to even pretend to be mad at
him. "I didn't know they would get that big."
He laughed a bit more to himself, picking up the spatula and trying
himself to pry off the cookies to place them on the cooling rack. "So,
I thought your aunt pretty much forbid you from using the kitchen."
"Well, I stopped setting things on fire."
His chuckle was amused, his eyes landing on me. "I've missed you, you know."
A genuine smile appeared on my face for the first time in three days.
"I've missed you too."
"So," He began, his tone changing a bit as he placed a cookie on the
cooling rack beside me. "You haven't been avoiding me?"
"Not purposely." I forgot how hard it was breathe when he was so close
sometimes.
He raised an eyebrow. "Not purposely?"
My eyes shifted downward, avoiding his gaze. "I've just been having a
bad couple of days, that's all."
"You alright?"
I nodded, my breathe catching in my throat for a moment. "Yeah." I'm
such a liar.
"You do know that whatever’s going on that you can talk to me about,
right? That's kind of how a relationship works."
"Listen, the next week or so will be a bit rough for me and I know I
should tell you why, but right now I can't. You'll just kind of have
to stick it out with me. And if I seem distant and distracted it has
nothing to do with you, it's just all me. But I promise I'll try not
to be so distant, and try to let you in as much as possible because
you deserve to know what's going on, but...I'm just not ready to fully
tell you. Or anyone."
His expression was unreadable. "What's going on Belle?"
I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. I feel a headache coming on.
"I promise I'll tell you. I just can't right now."
He sighed, his hand settling gently on my cheek, caressing it
soothingly. "Please? You're making me incredibly nervous right now."
My sight was cast towards the floor, almost afraid to see what was
written on his face. "I just...can't."
"Are you trying to break up with me?" His voice sounded on edge and I
found it hard not to be amused by question.
I was giggling like mad-something I usually only did when I was worn
out and tired. Maybe that was part of my temporary insanity, but the
thought of me not wanting to be with him was just insane. "I'm sorry."
I laughed. "But that's...so...funny." By now I was holding onto my
stomach, practically doubled over in laughter.
"I fail to see the humor."
"Oh," I giggled madly. "It's just, Ben, honestly, why would you think that?"
"Because quite honestly, you're acting like a freak." He exclaimed,
throwing his arms in the air in a defeated manner.
A hand covered my mouth, trying to sniffle the laughter. "This is new to you?"
He slumped a bit, looking at me with a mile on his face. "You're not
going to make this easy are you?"
"Honestly, who would expect me to?"
He simply grinned at me, pulling me into a hug. I knew that everything
would work out for the better. I just had to enjoy life while it
lasted.
***
"Hey Mom." I whispered softly as I stared at the engraved tombstone. I
had only visited her grave-sight one since her death, but if I was
going to accept what was happening to me and the suture I would have
to accept everything. I needed Mom more than anything right now, and
this was as close as I was most likely to get.
I gulped, the wind was unusually harsh for the summer and every so
often I would go from my feeling almost cold to warm. "So, I um, have
some news. Actually, I have quite a bit. You see, I started going to
this boarding school in Oregon...yeah, I wasn't a fan either. And I
came back for the summer, you know visit home again. I hadn't expected
to miss it so much, honestly."
I sighed, taking a deep breathe, my eyes averted to the sky. "And I
met this guy. Ben Stanley, you know his parents. And I well, fell in
love with him. Dad doesn't know. You understand why I couldn't tell
him, right? I mean, he would totally freak out and force us to break
up. I...I don't know anymore if that's bad or good. See, I love Ben,
but I feel like I'm only lying to him. I guess I kind of am. I'm never
able to tell him the truth anymore. Oh, and Aunt Ella's engaged by the
way." I'm sure she would be happy about this news. "Her fiancé, Lance,
is a great guy. I think you would have really liked him. Dad misses
you. He doesn't really talk about that stuff with me, but it's
obvious. And I miss you too. So much." I breathed slowly, my eyes
closing tightly. "I've never needed you more than right now. Mom...I'm
sick. Dr. Harvance said there's a possibility for me to live, but...what if it doesn’t work?”

My eyes flickered to the ground as a tear feel. "I have cancer. To be honest, I'm so scared. I don't know how
to die, Mom." I choked, tears falling freely now. "If I take treatment
I'm only living without truly living. If I don't...then I'm dying
while living. I wish I knew how to make this choice. I know I should tell everyone and be honest with them, but
that's going to be the hardest part. You're the first to know and
this, talking to your tombstone is killing me. More than the cancer."
I chuckled a bit without humor. "Just a little dying joke. They're new
to me."
I sighed as I traced the words loving mother on the tombstone, fresh
tears now pouring from my blue orbs. "I love you Mom. I wish I could
have you here right now because I need you so much. I hope you're
happy though, wherever you are."
I wiped my tears and stood, dusting myself off a bit and trying not to
look like I had just been crying while talking to my dead mother about
my own ending life. I began to walk away. To get in my truck, drive
back home and pretend that everything was okay with me. Just like I
had been doing for some time now. But I felt the need to look back
just one more time and found a small smile tugging at my lips. "Maybe I’ll see you soon, Mom."
***
The moon was beautiful. This whole place was beautiful. It was serene
and calm, a lot like my life hadn't been lately. I never thought I
would find this kind of peace in the middle of so much internal pain.
This house. The house I loved so much-the house I grew up in. I would
miss it. This farm-where I spent so many days of my life running
around and just enjoying childhood innocence. I would miss it too.
I would miss Kara. My best friend. The only person in the world I had
ever completely let my whole self show. The person I told everything
too.
Aunt Ella. That would be torture. She had to watch her own sister diw. She was the one thing
that kept me together after Mom died and I would love her forever for
being there for me through nights of sobbing, nightmares, and
guilt...she never once gave up on me and she always managed to put a
smile on my face.
Dad...that was going to be the hardest person to tell. It would just
kill him, I know. A large part of me wants nothing more than to not
tell him. Why hurt him so much? I could easily just go back Lavance
and he'd think I just died by some chance. He wouldn't have to watch
it. Another part of me though, wanted to go crying to him, jump in his
arms, and have him comfort me...just like he had when I was a kid. He
always tried to protect me, and still does. I had no idea how I was
supposed to tell him.
Then there was Ben. My first love. My only love. Telling him would
kill me. I had no idea what to expect when I told him, but I knew how
I would react. I would be devastated pretty much either way, and truth
be told, I didn't want him to watch me die either.
I didn't want any of them too. There was a downside to every situation.
If I told Ella and Dad I knew they would never allow me to go
back to Lavance, but I couldn't put them through the hell of seeing me
go downhill. But I still felt too weak to get through treatment, even though I knew it was something I needed to do.
If I went back to school I would have to tell Kara, and she would be
the one to have to be stuck taking care of me and seeing it all
unfold. I didn't want that for her either.
I felt so helpless. No matter what decision I made there was no
winning points for me. But let's face it- I'm losing no matter how I
play the stupid little game.
I had come to terms with the death factor. Truth was, I was never
afraid of dying. It was always more of the way that I went. I had
always wished for fast and painless, but that was looking lesser and
lesser an opinion.
Death was inevitable. Everyone dies, but I just thought I would have
more time than this. Seventeen years is not enough to really live a
life.
"This seat taken?" Ben's light hearted voice rang through my ears,
bringing my attention to him. He was standing in front of me with a
crooked grin on his face, but his eyes were a bit concern looking.
I had almost forgotten my surroundings, but I drawn back quickly and
once again I was sitting on the porch swing as the stars and moon
shined overhead.
I smiled at his mere presence as I felt a bubbling feeling rise within
my stomach. "I was kind of saving it for my buddy Casper." I looked
around like telling a secret before cupping my mouth and whispering,
"He's a ghost, you know."
Ben chuckled and sat next to me, taking my hand and entwining our
fingers, and this time I didn't need my favorite hoodie to bring me
comfort.
We just sat there in comfortable silence, my head lying on his
shoulder. I found myself glancing up and just finding myself staring
at him. He was just great. I couldn't help but think of how amazing I
felt with him, how much happier he made me, how better my life had
become since he came into it. If I hadn't suddenly gotten sick, life
would be perfect. And a lot of that would be thanks to him.
He must have noticed my staring because he looked down at me, smiled
gently, and kissed me softly. "What?" He asked, when I continued just
staring at him with an awed expression.
I shrugged, still not looking away, afraid that if I did I would miss
something of great importance. "I'm just trying memorize you."
"Afraid you'll forget me?" He grinned.
I snuggled closer to his chest, enjoying the warmth and comfort. "I
don't think I ever could."
I felt him tug a loose strand of hair behind my ear and kissed my
forehead as I closed my eyes, feeling totally at ease. "New necklace?"
I opened my eyes to find him holding the rings I wore around my neck.
"They were my mom's." I explained in a whisper, not wanting to ruin
the peacefulness of the night. "Ones her wedding ring, the others
one she got when she was my age. I only wear them sometimes, when I'm
missing her."
He kissed my forehead again and I let my eyes close at the feeling.
"You know, I wish there was something I could say to help,
but...there's just not."
I felt a smile form on my face, glancing up at him again. "You help by
just being here."
"Why are you wearing her rings all of a sudden?"
I sighed, holding onto the rings subconsciously. "I'm
just...remembering things, I guess."
"Like what?" He questioned as he played with my hair.
"Like, how on my birthday every year she would bail me from school a
few hours early so we could go get ice cream and shop. When I was
little and she would always play Barbie's with me. She would pretend
that I was Barbie and say that someday I would meet my Ken." I giggled
at the memory.
Ben chuckled. "So you were one of those Barbie obsessed little girls."
I only giggled in response. "Then I remember one year for Christmas
she bought me this art kit. I was horrible at painting. I mean, just
awful, but every single picture I made her she would tell me she loved
and hang it on the fridge. She always did encourage me to do anything
I wanted...no matter how bad I may be at it. And she would always sing
to me. She even wrote her own songs, which is partly why I write mine
now. She had such an amazing voice and she would just walk around the
house singing all the time."
"That why you love it so much?" Ben asked, his arms wrapping around me.
I nodded, closing my eyes as I pictured the past in my mind. "I think
so. My mom use to set up a little stage for me so I could put on
little concerts for her and Ella." I bit my lips and sighed,
shaking my head. "She was my best friend."
Ben kissed my head, holding me tighter now. "You know how amazed she
would be by you?" I gave him a questioning look in response. "She
would be very proud to know what a great girl you are. How strong you
are. How sweet, how funny, how kind, and big hearted you are."
"I love you." Was the only thing I could think of to say. And he would
never know just how much I did.
Chapter Twelve
"Wakey wakey. It's a beautiful summer day and I'm getting married."
Aunt Ella had been up since six in preparation and excitement of her
wedding. She was fully prepared for nay unexpected situation to come
up and was ready for the day and to be wed to the love of her life.
But I was a little less enthusiastic.
See, I had spent an hour of the night last night with my head over the
toilet, feeling miserable and depressed. I had lost five pounds this
week alone because I was finding it hard to keep anything down if I could eat at all. Every
time I would get worked up, excited, sad, devastated, I would end up
fainting.
I had really learned to keep my emotions in check, which was harder to
do now than ever.
"Aunt Ella....please stop being so cheerful." I grumbled, kicking my
feet beneath my sheets.
Aunt Ella laughed with joy, it sounding nothing but musical. "It's my
wedding day. I need my favorite bride's maid there." She said, opening
my curtain to let the sun wash over my face.
"I thought Joanna was coming." I mused as I dug my face deeper in my
comfortable pillow.
"Funny, Belle. Now up."
I kicked my feet more. "Nooooo."
"Up, kiddo." She chuckled before leaving the room.
I sighed loudly and removed myself from my peaceful bed. I wiped my
eyes and looked at my closet door where my bride's maid dress hung. I
smiled a bit at the thought of the wedding. Though I was sad Aunt Ella
wouldn't be around as much, I was so incredibly happy for her.
Now, to get ready and I'm off to the wedding.
***
I now see why Ella spent every second of free time on the wedding
planning. In such a short time she had managed so much.
The wedding wasn't necessarily big. It was small and intimate; the way
I knew Ella would want it. It was at a small church that we use
to go to a lot while Mom was still alive. Both she and Ella loved
the church. Ella had told me that both had made a pact before to
both get married at the church. Mom had...and now Ella.
Dad seemed a bit dazed though when we walked through the church doors.
We hadn't been here since Mom had died. Too many memories for him, I
guess. I knew it had to be hard on him to be watching Aunt Ella-who
was like a little sister to him- get married in the same church he had
married his own wife.
But the church was beautiful, especially with the decorations for the
wedding. Everything was neat and organized yet very eyes catching and
just...lovely. The color scheme was peach and white, a neutral wedding
color and things looked very nice.
Dad had gone off to help Aunt Ella and Lance with whatever they may
need while I caught up with some of the guest-many of them I hadn't
seen in years.
I heard a lot of the lines "You've grown up so much," and "What a
beautiful young lady you've become."
I grinned when I saw Ben and his parents walk in. Mrs. Stanley was
wearing a golden colored dress that looked very nice on her while Ben
and his dad wore tuxes.
"Hey guys." I greeted, smiling widely.
"Hi sweetheart." Cynthia greeted with a warm smile-just like she
almost always had on her face. "Don't you look lovely."
"So do you." I replied honestly.
Her face lit up a bit with even more of a smile. "Well, thank you."
She said, turning to look at her husband and son. "See, it's not that
hard to say once in a while."
Joe rolled his eyes with a smile on his face while taking his wife's
hand. "You look beautiful. Better?"
"Yes, thank you." She looked quite pleased as she nodded me a goodbye
and went to take her seat.
Joe nudged my arm a bit. "See what you get me into, kid."
I giggled, shrugging. "Oops. Next time warn me before I compliment someone."
"Will do." He grinned, patting my arm before taking a seat beside his wife.
"They like you way too much." Ben commented, shaking his head as he