The Hardest Fall (Roadmap to Your Heart Book 3) (15 page)

Then he slammed the door in my face.

I almost didn’t return.
Almost.
But some part of me needed his affection. His approval. So I found a hotel bathroom and changed. I had brought the costume and wig with me so I supposed on some level it was a test.

A test to see if Alan wanted me. The real me.

I stared down at the phone, finally getting the balls to type the words.

Tate never figured in. He tried but he was turned away every single time. Alan didn’t want Tate. He only wanted Frieda. And so I became Frieda for him. And lost myself in the process.

My fingers shook as I pressed send. There was a long dragged out silence. Or at least it felt that way as I waited.

Sebastian: Fucking hell! Alan was a damn coward. Or a heartless bastard. Can’t decide which, maybe both. I’m so fucking sorry.

I could hear my own pulse pounding in my ears as I read the message again and again. And then another message came in shortly after.

Sebastian: I wish I could be there with you right now. See you, hold you, tell you…just tell you things. But I know you don’t want that, so please know I’m thinking about you.

That text filled my stomach and my chest with warmth.

Thank you for that. Good night, Sebastian.

Sebastian: Good night, Tate.

I dozed off with the cell in my hand. I didn’t know how many minutes or hours passed when I felt another buzz from my phone, which had shifted beside my ear.

Sebastian: For the record, I would want Tate. And Frieda. I would want you both. Separate, Tate and Frieda are amazing. Together, they’re stunning and incredible and fucking perfect.

I curled myself into a tight ball and as tears rolled down my temples and into my hairline, I fell into a sound sleep.

A
nnie looked
at me over the reading glasses she’d only needed the last couple of years. “Why don’t you come out tonight to some clubs? Ever since we went to Ruby Redd’s, we’ve been itching to go to a few of our old haunts again and have some fun.”

“You don’t do that normally?” I asked as I placed the size nine shoes in a stack for the homeless. I had never had a long-term relationship, outside of six months here and there and wondered about the creature comforts of having somebody around for that long a period of time.

“Over time you get used to a certain routine and unless you mix it up, you fall into a pattern,” she said, twirling her hand. “It’s natural.”

“Is that the point where people, I don’t know…I’ve just never…”

“Where people split up, start to stray?” she asked very candidly.

“I feel awful saying it out loud.” It sounded horrible hearing it from her. “I’ve never wanted a long term relationship with somebody, so I don’t know.”

“Until Tate?” she said and my cheeks colored. I wasn’t even sure if that was true. I just knew I wanted a chance to see where we might end up.

“The thing is, you have to have more than just sexual attraction. If you’ve formed a deep friendship, a bond, then it would kill you to hurt your partner,” she said. “You could look and admire from afar, but you won’t want to betray that person.”

“I guess I can understand that.” I had already betrayed Tate so we would’ve been doomed from the start. Still, I would never betray someone the way Alan had. I couldn’t make myself understand that side of him. The only conclusion I could come up with was that I just didn’t know Alan well enough, and maybe never had.

And like Annie said, I had probably given our friendship too much credit, when in fact it wasn’t very deep at all.

In fact, if Alan were standing in front of me right now, I’d cold-cock him for how he treated Tate. Beautiful Tate.

“So it’ll be fun to go out and have a drink, see old friends, dance,” she said, bringing us back to the subject at hand.

“What kind of clubs?” I asked, my stomach squeezing tight, but also pulsing a bit from anticipation. It was like I was seeing the world from new eyes.

“Mostly gay and lesbian clubs,” she said. “There’s a few of them in close proximity to one another in the Village. We’ll just see what tickles our fancy. Then she looked pointedly at me. “It might help you.”

I pushed back from my seat, wondering what she was getting at. “Help me what?”

“Figure some things out,” she said in a quiet voice as if she were treading on thin ice. “I mean, Tate
is
the first guy you’ve been attracted to. At least that’s what you said.”

I cringed. The idea of cruising guys did not sit well with me. It was always the same in straight bars—meeting people to have sex. Not my thing.

When I didn’t answer she continued with a wary gaze. “Am I overstepping my bounds here?”

I sighed and sat back. Was Tate the first man I’d been attracted to? Yes and no. He was the first guy I could consciously remember wanting, but there had to have always been more there, buried under the surface.

If there hadn’t, I wouldn’t have jacked off in the same room as Alan and I wouldn’t have enjoyed hearing my college friend having sex. It wasn’t a decision I made deliberately, ignoring those thoughts, but I must have. I just didn’t know why.

“No, I’ve definitely been thinking about it lately. Maybe it’s just a part of myself I denied up to this point.”

“It happens to a lot of us.” She studied me for a long moment. “So you’ll come?”

“Yeah, sure,” I said, feeling like I was twenty-one again and allowed in bars with my new license.

“Let’s meet back here at the shop and we’ll go together.”

I couldn’t shake this underlying anxiety all day long. What was the worst that could happen? I’d discover that I liked hanging out in gay bars? Hadn’t I already figured that out from being at Ruby Redd’s?

After I got home, I showered, changed into jeans, and stared into my closet at my shirt collection. Everything suddenly seemed too business casual or uptight. That’s when I spotted the black T-shirt next to a blue button down. It was the gift Tate had designed for me and immediately my mind was made up. I looked into the mirror at my
I Love Stilettos. Get Over It
T-shirt and smiled. It made me feel like I was channeling him or something.

Maybe I’d take a photo and text it to him. Might make him smile.

I walked back to the shop where Annie and Karen stood waiting for me. Annie smiled brightly when she saw my shirt. “Nice.”

I had gotten a few double takes from a couple of people on the street but not enough to make me feel uncomfortable. It was kind of fun actually, and I now understood a bit what Tate’s whole screw-you persona was about. All because of a T-shirt. I snorted at myself.

“So where to first?” I asked as we walked down Fifth Avenue and cut through Washington Square. My father would always talk about how much the park had changed since he was a kid. Said there was more of a neighborhood feel back then, replaced by junkies and crime.

But I still loved the idea of this park in the middle of all that concrete. Some old-timers were still around, like Stan the Man, who was at his usual table playing chess. He adjusted his camouflage hat as we strolled by, his gaze intent on the board.

The first club we ended up in was a lesbian bar called Rouge. I struck up a conversation with the bartender, something I was apparently good at doing, while Annie and Karen slow-danced in the middle of the floor. It was definitely endearing to watch, and surely a year ago I would have never imagined myself hanging out like this with them. But I was beginning to understand why my father had felt like they were part of our family.

After I finished my drink, we headed a couple of blocks down to another place called The Jungle. I felt a tightening in my stomach when I realized that Ruby Redd’s was right around the corner. But this wasn’t a night that Tate was working, so it should’ve been no big deal.

As soon as we stepped through the door, I noticed the atmosphere had changed. Whereas Rouge was tamer, almost like a corner bar, The Jungle was flashy and wild. The music was loud, the place was packed body to body and there was skin and sex on display everywhere you looked. Shirtless men, couples gyrating against walls, it could only compare to some of the clubs I had gone to fresh out of college. Meat market was probably the accurate description. The only difference was that this club welcomed patrons of all orientations and nobody batted an eyelash.

As we headed to the bar for a drink I realized how much more comfortable I felt in my own skin. There were plenty of attractive men and women here. It had never occurred to me that I was permitted to appreciate both, or really anybody I wanted to. I had only been limited by my preconceived notions about myself and that was quite a heady realization. I had never given myself permission to explore my own sexuality.

I wasn’t much of a dancer, so when Annie and Karen left me leaning against the wall with my drink, I just enjoyed taking it all in. A couple of men had come up to me and tried to get me out on the floor but I had resisted.

One guy, an attractive blond, whispered dirty words in my ear about getting a blowjob in the rest room. The idea of it made me shiver, but only because I imagined Tate down on his knees for me. Or hell, maybe me getting down on my knees for him.

Something I knew would never happen so it was also heartrending. When the guy kissed my neck, I gently pushed him back. I simply didn’t want anybody else.

After another drink, Annie and Karen finally dragged me out into the middle of the floor and I started moving my feet. It was so packed with bodies that nobody would even notice whether or not my dance moves were up to par. I hoped.

My neck was sweaty along with my brow and when I turned the opposite direction seeking needed air, I spotted the back of a familiar head of electric blue hair. Along with a perfectly fine ass molded into a pair of skintight jeans.

My breath froze in my lungs. Tate was dirty dancing with some guy who had his hand plastered on his hip. Anger and sadness waged a war inside my chest as I stumbled back, my vision blurring.

“Are you all right?” Annie shouted in my ear. And then her gaze darted to the far corner. “Well damn. We can leave right now.”

“No, it’s okay,” I said holding up my hands and twisting toward the exit. “I’m an adult. I just need some air.”

I
should’ve never gone
out. The first time was fun. Two times in one week was no longer my scene. Same guys, same one-liners and it almost felt claustrophobic. I needed to get this dude the hell away from me and go home. It was simply no use—I couldn’t drive Sebastian out of my mind with a quick suck or fuck. I just needed to work through my overwhelming feelings for him, which were a jumbled mess of resentment, melancholy, and raw desire.

I raised my arms in the air and let the music take over. When I opened my eyes I did a double take. Annie and Karen were dancing in the middle of the floor. I had never seen them here and I wondered what was up. Looked like they were having a good time so I resisted the urge to walk straight up and inquire how Sebastian was doing.

Annie made eye contact with me however and waved me over. I thrust out my hip to push the guy’s meaty paw away and headed over to them.

“What are you guys doing here?” I asked.

“We decided to go out tonight,” Annie said and Karen smiled. “We dragged Sebastian with us too.”

My jaw fell open as my gaze rushed to the area behind her but I didn’t see him anywhere. “Sebastian?”

Annie cringed. “Yeah, unfortunately, he walked away to get some air because he spotted you. No way did we think you’d be here.”

“Which direction did he go?” I asked, my gaze skimming along the wall, cutting her off. My heart was pummeling in my chest from nerves and anticipation and fuck, I didn’t know what. Just the raw urge to lay my eyes on him again.

She grasped for my arm. “You have every right to be mad and I’m not making excuses for him. But Tate, this is all fresh for him. This, you. I’ve never seen him like this and I don’t think he was coming from a dishonest place.”

“I know.” And I really did know. That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. “I just needed…time.”

“I understand,” she said and then tilted her head in the direction that Sebastian had wandered off to.

I moved through the crushing crowd as fast as I could, not really knowing what I’d say to Sebastian when I reached him. I found him standing against a wall in the hallway near the entrance, his hands on his knees, as if he were hyperventilating or something.

The thumping beat of the music was muted in this area and I could hear his panting breaths. When he straightened I noticed he was wearing tight jeans and fucking hell, the T-Shirt I had made him. I felt a twinge dead center in my chest.

I sidled up next to Sebastian so as not to startle him and then said in a low, throaty voice, “You come here often?”

His jaw tightened as he stared out the door as if he was going to run. “Listen dude, I’m not—”

When he turned to meet my gaze, his eyebrows arched to his hairline.

“Nope, never been here before,” he said, quickly recovering, his eyes darting away. “I guess you could say that I’m newly out. Bisexual. Used to exclusively date women.”

“Yeah?” I asked playing along. But hearing him own it did something funny to my chest. “Figured out that you like boys?”

“Something like that.” He glanced briefly at me. “I certainly like one boy. One gorgeous boy.”

My breath caught in my throat. “That’s not usually how it works. Maybe you’ve ignored some other signs.”

“Oh, I definitely have,” he said like a man who had done some soul-searching. “There was this one time in high school when I jacked off in the same room as a friend.”

He glanced uneasily at me, and I wondered if the friend he was referring to was Alan. That made warm bile crawl up my throat. “All you did was jack off?”

“Yep. There were times I watched stuff he showed me on the computer. Back then I didn’t really understand it, so I just played along. But some part of me must’ve enjoyed it,” he said. “I didn’t like him.
Never
. Just the idea of it.”

“The idea of it, huh?” I asked, leaning my shoulder against the wall. “Yanking on your cock in front of another man?”

“Fuck,” he whispered almost to himself and unconsciously pushed the heel of his hand against his zipper. “And then there was that one time in college when I stayed in a friend’s room at the dorm. I heard him and his boyfriend having sex and I…”

A deep blush stole across his cheeks.

“You what?” I asked as my own arousal spiked simply imaging a younger Sebastian hearing men fucking for the first time. It reminded me of my initial click on a gay porn site.

“I got aroused listening to them and at the time I figured it was just from the sex noises,” he said, sighing. “They were so gruff, raw…masculine. Damn, it makes me hard just thinking about it.”

I watched as his hand made a pass over the front material of his jeans again. This was sort of fun. And interesting. I also figured I could learn a little more about Sebastian in the process. “What part of it makes you hard?”

He angled his chin in order to stare directly into my eyes. “Feeling a man’s chest, his dick and balls, right up against my body.”

I felt a deep pang in my gut as a tremble slid across my shoulders. I had to turn away because I was now sporting half a chub.

“A hard cock inside another man’s ass while he thrashes and moans,” Sebastian continued, his head resting against the wall as he laid it out for me.

Fuck.
“The idea of having your cock inside another man turns you on?” I ground out, attempting to rein in my breaths.

“Yeah, it does,” he said, his gaze sliding lazily down the front of me to my crotch.

“How about the other way around?” I asked, my hand finding purchase against the wall, because my knees suddenly felt weak. “A cock fucking your tight ass?”

“I won’t deny the idea of it makes me nervous. A little scared.” His voice faltered. “But it intrigues me at the same time.”

“The first time can definitely be rough,” I said in a soft voice, remembering how long it took me to work up the nerve with the guy I lost my virginity to.

“The first time can be painful for a female as well,” he said. “But that doesn’t mean plenty of women don’t enjoy it now.”

“Did you enjoy it?” I asked, something tightening in my chest. “Sex with women?”

“Sure, I did.” He shrugged and threw a glance my way. “I just never felt a true connection to anybody. Not in a long time. Could be because I didn’t let anybody get close. Not until recently.”

I straightened from the wall, rousing myself from Sebastian’s spell. Fuck, this man did things to me. But that didn’t change what went down between us. The fact that he lied to me. That he was friends with the man who treated me like dirt. And it sounded like that same asshole had jacked off in front of Sebastian when he was a kid. This was so fucked up.

“Well there are plenty of men here that can help you out with that hard cock in your pants.” My voice came out rough, biting, as my gaze darted down the front of him. “Just head into the bathroom and one of them will take care of you.”

“What if that’s not what I want?” he asked through clenched teeth as if noting how the air had suddenly shifted between us. “What if I want to be the one down on my knees first?”

Holy fuck. I inhaled a deep breath, my nostrils flaring. Everything about this man was sensual. From his eyes and lips to his hands and voice.

“Again,” I said, keeping my voice level. “Plenty of men can help you out.”

He pushed from the wall and rounded on me. “Will you be in the bathroom? Because I’d really like to taste
you
.”

I faltered then, my emotions warring with each other, battering around in my head and chest.

He held up his hands. “Sorry, my bad. I understand you can’t be with me.” He took another step back. “I just…think about you all the time. Can’t help it. Never felt this way. Never wanted anybody like I want you. It feels like a physical ache.”

I felt a winging in my chest as he looked toward the dance floor as if he were about to head back inside to Annie and Karen. “I’ll just—”

Somehow my hand latched onto his arm. Then he was forced up against the wall and my body was caging him in.

The stubble on Sebastian’s chin was rough against my fingers as I angled his face to mine. His eyes were blown wide, his breaths releasing in heavy pants.

“Just one more fucking taste.” I seized his mouth in a hungry kiss. As my tongue breached his lips I was rewarded with a hoarse and guttural groan. My tongue swept over his teeth and gums, from one side of his mouth to the other, attempting to memorize all of him.

My fingers gripped his shirt as I sank my body firmly against his. I could feel his thick cock slide against my groin as I straddled his leg and nipped at his neck and chin and lips. Sebastian moaned and opened wider for me and I slipped my tongue deeply inside his mouth, tasting all of him. The sweat and leather, the longing and desperation.

By the time we came up for air, I didn’t know how long we had been in that hallway against that wall. “Fuck, I’ve missed this mouth.”

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, as his hand connected again with my neck and his lips continued to devour mine. “I’m so fucking sorry. For what I did. For what he did. You deserve better,
more.
”

His words made my heart stutter and my legs go weak. When I staggered back, his eyelids were slits, making him look as dazed as I felt. “Come home with me, please,” he pleaded.

My shoulders stiffened. I wanted that. Really fucking wanted it but, “I can’t…I don’t want to be hurt by you.”

“Fuck, Tate. I don’t plan on hurting you,” he said as his lips skimmed my jaw. His breath fanned across my ear. “I just
want
you. I want to show you how beautiful you are. I want e
verything
with you.”

My pulse pounded at my throat from his words. “I…”

“It’s okay. I understand,” he said, dragging his body away. His voice sounded so broken. “If you see Annie, let her know that I left.”