Authors: Stephen Karam
The Humans (9 page)
RICHARD | DEIRDRE |
That's probably the soundest argument. | Yeah, well that's not what you thought last night . . . you thought |
ERIK
    Â
(Smiling)
Wow, you can't let that go, / can you?
DEIRDRE
Well tell me what you dreamed / and I'll drop it . . .
ERIK
Well you're assuming I saw something specific when she was just / âit wasn't like that, okay?
BRIGID
Wait wait “she”?âso you
do
remember something specific / about your dreamâ
ERIK | DEIRDRE |
Oh man, you guys're relentless . . . . . . | Erik, have you been dreaming about a supermodel this whole time?â |
Rich, help me out here . . .
RICHARD
    Â
(Teasing)
Sorry, man, I tell Brigid my dreams all the time . . .
BRIGID
Yes you do, / all of them . . .
RICHARD | BRIGID |
âtwo weeks ago, I dreamt | Â |
my oldest sister was a | Â |
mannequin working in a | Â |
grocery store . . . what, I'm | . . . Richard . . . |
serious . . . | Â |
ERIK | DEIRDRE |
All I remember . . . | Was yours that [weird]?â |
 | oh . . . what . . . ? |
ERIK
. . . there's not much to . . .
BRIGID
Tell us . . . come on, Big Guy . . .
ERIK
. . . a coupla nights I've had this [recurring dream] . . .
. . . there'll be a, a woman . . .
BRIGID
Uh-huh . . . and . . .
ERIK
    Â
(Trying to remember)
. . . her back's to me . . . or maybe . . .
. . . something happens where . . .
. . . her head turns, and
I can see that her face is all . . . [messed up]
DEIRDRE | BRIGID |
What? | Just tell usâ |
ERIK
. . . her skin's stretched over her eyes and her mouth . . .
BRIGID
Ewww . . .
DEIRDRE
She's got no face?
ERIK
. . . just skin where her eyes and mouth should be, / you knowâ
BRIGID
Ewwwâ
ERIK
. . . yeah, skin over the holes in her ears, over everything . . .
A
thud
from above. Everyone jumpsâ
ERIK
Whoa, / whoa, how's that for timing?
BRIGID | RICHARD |
Guys, sorry about thatâ | Okay, okay . . . yeah, maybe |
 | we |
 | something . . . |
 | DEIRDRE |
Welcome to New York . . . | What do you think she'sâis |
 | she exercising or something, |
 | do you think? . . . |
ERIK
No, you think she's sweating to the oldies up there? / No way . . .
DEIRDRE
I dunno, maybe, unlessâoh wait, you know what it probably is? / I'm just realizing . . .
BRIGID | RICHARD |
What is it? | What? |
DEIRDRE
. . . it's the faceless lady, telling us to be quiet . . . / or maybe she wants some turkey . . .
ERIK | BRIGID |
Nice . . . very funny . . . | Mom, are you drunk? . . . |
In fact everyone has had just enough to drink that this starts to feel very funny.
DEIRDRE
    Â
(Fighting back laughter)
âbut how would she eat the turkey? She's got no mouth . . .
Deirdre mimes a woman without a mouth trying to eat turkey.
It's so unfunny it's kind of funny. Eventually even Brigid laughs.
BRIGID | ERIK |
Oh my God, | I'm so glad I shared my nightmare, thank you for your love and supportâ |
DEIRDRE | BRIGID |
We're teasing! | Tell us the rest . . . |
RICHARD
Tough crowd, Erik . . .
BRIGID
Finish telling us yourâ
ERIK
Oh right, like I'm gonnaâ / you had your chanceâyeah
now
you're sorry . . . man, you see what I'm up against, Rich?
DEIRDRE
I'm sorry, I'm sorry . . . oh don't punish us I'm just being silly, I'm sorry . . . how does it end?
UPSTAIRS
:
Aimee calls from the top of the stairs.
AIMEE
    Â
(Calling down)
Should I ask the dinosaur upstairs to tread a little more softly?
BRIGID
Not unless you speak Cantonese . . . / just come down . . .
RICHARD
Erik you'll appreciate this . . . last week I dreamed I fell through an ice-cream cone made of grass and became a baby.
BRIGID
Okay, no no no, save your dreams for Christmas, we're almost ready to eat here . . .
    Â
(Calling up)
. . . Aimee! . . .
UPSTAIRS
:
From the apartment above them, the sound of running footsteps moving from one side of the room to the other. Aimee looks up. So does Erik. It's a bizarre noiseâmaybe the kind a tantrum-throwing toddler would make stomping about.
ERIK
Why don't I go up and ask her to just please / âjust to please keep it downâ
BRIGID
No, no these floors are so old, Dadâbehold . . .
Brigid gets up, walks up the stairs.
RICHARD
The whole building groans at times . . . we have two sets of ear plugs.
UPSTAIRS
:
Aimee is responding to an e-mail on her phone. Brigid starts stomping around.
AIMEE
What are you doing?
BRIGID
Showing Dad how creeky the floors are . . .
ERIK
Okay . . . you don't have to do that!
Aimee starts jumping around with her. At a certain point the jumping and stomping become more about Aimee and Brigid releasing a lot of stress.
DEIRDRE | RICHARD |
These floors are made of | Okay, honey, point proven! |
tissue paper . . . | Â |
They recover. Brigid playfully collapses on the floor, a bit exhausted. Aimee moves closer to the window for reception.
AIMEE | DOWNSTAIRS |
     |  |
Stop e-mailing me . . . | RICHARD |
 |      |
 | Water and soda for dinner? |
 | ERIK |
 | Bothâfor the both of us, yeah? |
 | DEIRDRE |
 | Yeah, thanks . . . |
BRIGID
    Â
(This has been on her mind)
Mom's been bringing up marriageâand the Mary statue?âwe've been doing so good and today she's back toâ
AIMEE
    Â
(Half-engaged with her e-mail)
Being here's just . . . making it more
real
for her, no?
BRIGID
No, I dunno, something's [not right] . . . I dunno . . .
AIMEE
    Â
(Finishing her e-mail)
. . . sorryâthey even find me on holidays . . . it never ends . . .
    Â
(Putting her blackberry away)
. . . how's work for
you
? . . .
BRIGID | DOWNSTAIRS |
Uh, the restaurant pays me | Â |
under the table so I can still | Â |
collect unemployment, so | Richard enters the kitchen. |
that's been good . . . but . . . | Deirdre checks in with Erik |
my | about something; Erik nods, |
. . . [I don't wanna talk about | then wanders into the adjoining |
it] . . . | room and paces. Deirdre |
 | decides to give Erik his space; |
AIMEE | she moves into the kitchen to |
Hey, okay . . . | help Richard. |
Brigid takes a deep breath, exhales. | Â |
BRIGID | Â |
I'm just glad Rich and I made the leap, / it was time, you know? | Â |
AIMEE | Â |
Yeah . . . he's great, Bridge . . . | Â |
 | DEIRDRE |
BRIGID | How can I help you, Rich? |
Yeah, we were always at each other's place, so financially it | Â |
BRIGID | Â |
was just stupid, you know . . . | RICHARD |
Rich made up this list of pros | Uh, how about . . . |
and cons . . . to move in or | Â |
not to move in . . . Aimee, | Â |
his | Deirdre helps Richard in the |
to the fridge last week called: | kitchen. They are occasionally |
“ways to have fun”; [What | half heard speaking to each |
the fuck?!]âstuff like: dance | other. Erik is the prominent figure |
with yourself; take long walks | downstairsâhe paces in the |
at sunset . . . game nights . . . | hall, refers to a piece of paper. |
AIMEE
That's endearing . . .
BRIGID
I know . . . I dunno, we were happy without making it so official, so / . . . I dunno . . .
AIMEE
Yeah, well . . . Carol and I broke up because . . . we were unhappy?
. . . and now I'm [wondering] . . .
maybe loving someone long-term is more about . . .
deciding whether to go through life unhappy alone . . .
or unhappy with someone else?
BRIGID
Richard can draw up a list of reasons why your breakup was a good thing, if you want . . . / I can ask him to draft a very long listâ
AIMEE
No, shuttup so . . . ugh: I need to have that surgery . . . / the one where they'llâ
BRIGID
What? I thought you could put that off until your sixties orâ
AIMEE
This test showedâit's just dysplasia which means . . . it's not cancer, but with colitis it'll become cancer if they don't take it out, so . . .
BRIGID
You'll lose the whole intestine?
AIMEE
It cures the disease, though, so . . . but . . . yeah . . . they make a hole in your abdomen so the waste can, you know . . .