The Joy of Sex (34 page)

discipline

some people are wildly turned on by it

Code word for beating each other as a sexual technique. There is a venerable superstition, starting among English private-school scholars and backed by literature from Meibom’s
De Usu Flagrorum
, that beating is a sort of sexual Tabasco, the hottest erotic condiment, and no wild party is complete without it. Some of this is due to the fact that specialists in this field haven’t suffered under the handicaps that affected, say,
soixante-neuf
or straight sex – beating is decent and can even be done in church; sex isn’t.

Beating is a turn-on that either works or doesn’t. Quite apart from fantasists and talkers who are far more excited by the idea than the actual performance, some people are wildly turned on by it. For others, who have a real problem here, it may be necessary as a self-starter. Skin stimulation and the occasional spank at the right moment fit well into most people’s repertoire. Most find that anything more is disappointing in proportion to the scale of the performance. If you are lovers and one of you wants to be on the receiving end, the other need not be scared that they will let out the beast in themselves by cooperating. If one of you wants to beat the other and he or she doesn’t like it, or is turned off by the idea, that’s non-negotiable – it surely doesn’t need saying that all this should not be confused with abuse.

This is a clear case where if you can’t communicate fantasies, you should not be lovers. Play it through a few times in words during straight intercourse (see
birdsong at morning
). When you try it in practice, if it’s the ritual that’s the exciting part, make that big – don’t be ashamed to ask for this, or give it: play matters. It can be a naughty child or a mistress-and-slave routine or whatever – if your partner’s fantasy doesn’t turn you on naturally, play it as a game and enjoy his or her response. If it’s the physical sensation, rhythm and style apparently matter far more than force.

Start gently at around one blow in one or two seconds, not more. Allow the transformation effect to kick in (
see
pain
) before going full pelt, then gradually build up force until it’s enough to make your subject want and not want you to stop. For two-way traffic, the result, plus struggling, should both look and feel sexy, not cruel. Never break the skin, and never beat neck, spine, or anywhere bony; stick to the buttocks or cover the whole surface – back, belly, and, if very lightly, breasts, penis (careful!), and vulva (put her on her back with her feet attached to the bedposts above her head, legs wide open; start on the buttocks, then give one light switch or two upon her thighs and vulva to finish her off). Or tie the victim’s hands overhead to the shower nozzle and work them over under running water.

Traditional birch twigs are tricky to source, but
sex shops offer
whips and
paddles that make a great noise but do no mischief; try them on yourself before using them on a partner and even then accept their judgment on what’s hard and what’s too hard. Or simply use your hand; a cupped palm will sound forceful yet create little pain, while an open flat palm will sting; apply an ice cube afterwards. Don’t use bamboo – it cuts like a knife. Don’t play this game with strangers, ever. Lovers have enough feedback not to let the most violent play go sour. And never mix purely erotic beating with real anger or bad temper (
see
hazards
). A game is a game is a game.

foursomes and moresomes

When this book was first written, the idea of open sexual relationships with multiple partners was described as “an important anthropological resource … becoming socially more easy to arrange.” When the book was next reissued, the
AIDS epidemic had taken hold and the same behavior was described as “suicidal.” Nowadays, both sets of comments would be seen as extreme, but in general, society backs the norm of private sex between two partners, anything else being regarded as an exciting adventure, an act of folly, or a total betrayal.

In the context of couples, there is often lopsided motivation. One wants to and suggests it; the other says yes so as not to displease; in short order, jealousy creeps in, then the whole thing implodes. There is a good deal to be said for keeping it all in the realm of fantasy; if you go further, negotiate, build in opt-out clauses, and even so expect complications. It is, however, one of the most popular fantasies for both sexes and its advocates claim it sidesteps the deceit that standard infidelity involves. (The idea of free love that involves group orgies, on the other hand, is a different issue, usually an attempt either at social anarchy or “rooster in the hen house” syndrome.)

The “how to” varies from culture to culture and person to person. Most routes, however, can be found on the Internet with judicious searching: private ads from singles and couples wishing to make various formations; sex parties arranged locally; swingers’ clubs with themed nights. Be a single male and you will be in a huge majority and have a hard time being accepted; be a single female and you will be in a huge minority and need to fend off the takers. Couples who have negotiated the rules between them often fare better than either variety of single, as they are able – quite literally – to hold each other’s hands.

If answering a personal ad, follow all the usual rules of dating: reply to those people you like, courteously brush off those you don’t; have phone contact; meet for drinks; if attracted, discuss the ground rules and make a further arrangement. Aim for a sensuous evening at someone’s home, maybe with a meal, then shared nakedness, talk, relaxation, and no expectation of sex unless it feels right for all parties. Follow the safety guidelines (
see
technology
).

If at an organized party or club, first check out the
website – most back up the contact sections with information pages on what the deal is and suggest the easiest nights for novices to attend. You can also ask to talk to established members and get some idea of the unwritten “rules” for watching, touching, joining in. Beforehand, avoid getting courage from
alcohol – it’s usually discouraged and will impair your judgment. Many
such parties are in private homes and the evening may be structured, with different rooms allocated to different activities; clubs are the same but on a bigger scale with more facilities – perhaps couples’ rooms, private salons, a sauna and Jacuzzi, group space, and so on. If you want to participate, the usual protocol is to sit close to an active couple or group, appear interested, but wait to be invited in. As with all these activities, no means no, and
safe sex should be non-negotiable.

We include these guidelines as brief indicators of what to expect; as with all satisfaction, quality varies and you may need to shop around in order to find situations – and indeed personalities – that suit your tastes. But most people who indulge are welcoming to newcomers and eager to help you learn. If they aren’t, find new and more amenable playmates.

slow masturbation for him

slow masturbation for him

the most mind-blowing sensation of which males are capable

To make this work, you need to know how to tie your partner (
see
rope work
) and to have a partner who likes struggling against resistance, but it works for a great many people. Traditionally, the woman does it to the man, but it plays in either direction. You need good access and a completely helpless partner, though you can try it without if bondage turns you off, but the result is quite different and you can’t get so far. The knack lies in playing on your partner like an instrument, alternately pushing them forward and frustrating them (
compare
relaxation
).

The woman starts by tying the man to her satisfaction, either staked out, or wrists behind and ankles crossed, knees open, naked, and on his back. She then “signs her name” (
le coup de
cassolette
). To do this, she kneels astride him, facing him, and performs a tasteful
striptease as far as her panties. Next, holding his hair in her hand, she rubs her armpit and breasts firmly over his mouth, giving him her body
perfume. Then she locks her legs carefully around his neck and presses her covered pussy on his mouth. Finally, she strips off her panties and gives him the direct
genital kiss (brushing first, then open, taking her time over it), pulls his foreskin well back, if he has one, and stands back for a few moments to let him get excited. If she knows her job, he will be unable to move, while the kiss ensures that he won’t lose the feel of her. Coming back she does the same all over again, stiffens him by hand and mouth if necessary, and starts in real earnest.

She has two focal points to attend to, his mouth and his penis, and the knack, during this warm-up period, consists in keeping both occupied continuously and without triggering ejaculation. The possibilities are obvious – hand to each; hand to one, mouth or pussy to the other; varied by a touch of her breasts, her armpit, or even her hair. Between the two poles she will work over his most sensitive areas with her fingertips (
see
pattes d’araignée
), her tongue, and her pussy – this last with one hand on his penis and other palm over his mouth, never letting the rhythm slacken. If his erection begins to go down, she stops, tightens him up (the moment for
thumb-tying if she is strong enough to turn him easily –
see
rope work
), then re-stiffens him. She can now begin slow masturbation proper.

This is about the most mind-blowing (and, while it lasts, frustrating) sexual sensation of which most males are capable. (If you still want to know why we say start by tying your lover, try it for a few moments with an unbound partner.) She sits well up on his chest, with her buttocks to his chin, and puts each of her ankles inside the crook of one of his knees, or sits with her knees bent and her calves tucked under his arms. She should hold the root of his penis with one hand and with the other pull the skin back as far as it will go with finger and thumb, thumb towards her. Then she starts quick, sharp, nervous strokes – each one quick, that is, but timed at one per second, no faster. After about twenty of these, about ten very quick strokes. Then she resumes the slow rhythm. And so on.

If she thinks he is about to ejaculate (you can sense this with practice), she should drop the speed and keep this up as long as she thinks he can stand it. The excitement is his, but is less one-sided than it sounds; the male response is enough to turn most women on, and she can press her open pussy hard on his breastbone for her own pleasure, though she shouldn’t let her attention wander. Ten minutes is as much as most males can stand. If he goes limp, she should put him out of his misery, either by quickly masturbating him to climax, using her mouth, or turning and riding him. When he does come, she needs to get him untied as quickly as possible – delay after orgasm will leave him as stiff as if he had played a hard ball game.

This is the Japanese-massage-special-treatment routine – the only bar is if she is heavy. The Japanese are artists at making their knots, like their dishes, look really nice, and Japanese masseuses are small enough to sit on a man’s chest without killing him. If she is large, she can try tying his legs apart and taking the weight on her knees, with her pussy on his mouth: in the story of Brunnhilde, she tied up King Gunther on his wedding night, probably for a similar routine – here we have given the version for smaller women.

One unexpected trick is for the woman to tell her partner she is going to give him the time of his life, tie him, and then, when she has made sure he can’t get loose or make a sound, make him watch while she masturbates to orgasm. This is more exciting for both of them than it sounds. He, if he is already excited and expecting something else, will go berserk, and his useless struggles will turn her on. Afterwards she can make it up to him – slowly.

slow masturbation for her