The Joy of Sex (5 page)

Our
sense of smell is the keener – don’t oversaturate early on with masculine odors; just before orgasm is probably the time for full odor contact. Our own smell excites us as well as yours.

We learn, over a period of time, that the sort of hand- and mouth work that men like varies enormously. Some like it very rough, some hate it anything but extremely gentle, others in between. There is no way for us to tell except by asking and being told – therefore it’s up to you to say what you like or you may get the opposite; remember that we love to know how to be good for you.

Some men are extraordinarily passive, or unimaginative, or inhibited, and – oddly – when they are any of these things, we don’t become correspondingly forceful. We may long to do things and feel thoroughly frustrated, but we won’t show it in most cases. So a woman’s lovemaking will only be as good as her partner’s and, more important, she will resent any man who is unexciting, not only because he is unexciting, but also because she will know she has been unexciting too.

Finally, you should never presume that what excites one woman sexually will work just as well on another woman. Women probably do differ sexually rather more than men, because of the greater complexity of our sexual apparatus (breasts, skin, and so on as well as pussy). Never assume that you don’t need to relearn for each person. This is also true for a woman with a new man, but perhaps a little less so.

men (by him for her)

men (by him for her)

the most valued thing in lovemaking is “the divine gift of lechery”

We often wish that women’s sexuality was like ours, even though we know it isn’t. Our sexual response is far brisker and more automatic: it’s
triggered easily by things, like putting a coin in a vending machine. Consequently, women and parts of women provide automatic sexual stimulus for us; your clothes, breasts, odor, and so on aren’t what we love instead of you –
simply the things we need in order to set sex in motion and express love. You seem to find this hard to understand.

Secondly, most though not all male feeling is ultimately centered in the last inch of the penis (though you can, if you start intelligently, teach us female-type sensitivity all over the surface of our skin). And unlike yours, our sexuality depends on a positive performance – we have to be turned on to
achieve an erection, and not turned off, in order to function; we can’t be passively “taken.” This matters intensely to men at both a biological and a personal level;
sexual success is what makes us feel worthwhile. It explains why we are emphatically
penis-centered and tend to open the proceedings with genital play, probably before you are ready and when you would much rather wait to get in the mood. Genital approach is how we get into the mood.

You need to understand these reactions, as we need to understand yours. A woman’s concern about being a sex object misses the point – sure, the woman and the various parts of her are
sex objects, but most men ideally would wish to be treated piecemeal in the same way. Thus, the most valued thing, from you, in actual lovemaking, is intuition of these object reactions, and direct initiative – starting the play, taking hold of the penis, giving
genital kisses ahead of being asked; being an initiator, a user of your stimulatory equipment. This is hard to put in simple terms; it is what is meant by “the divine gift of
lechery” – the art of sensing turn-ons and going along with them for the partner’s response. It isn’t the same for the two sexes because male turn-ons are concrete, while many female turn-ons are situational and atmospheric. Remember too that we may simply be tired of having to deliver, in life as well as in bed, and your taking over doesn’t just offer us the ultimate compliment, it also gives us the opportunity to relax and enjoy. Sex may be about the only place in our lives where we get to be held and nurtured.

Personal folklore apart, what the male turn-on equipment requires is the exact reverse of a virgin or a passively recipient instrument – not a demand situation, because that in itself can threaten a turnoff due to feelings of inadequacy, but a skill situation; I can turn you on, and turn myself on in doing so, and from that point we
play it both ways and together. You can’t, of course, control your turn-ons any more than we can, but it helps if you have some male-type object reactions, like being excited by the sight of a penis, or hairy skin, or by the man stripping, or by physical kinds of play (just as it helps if we have some sense of atmosphere). It’s the active woman who understands our reactions, plays on them, and leads them out while keeping her own who is the ideal lover.

hormones

The fuel in the sex machine, keeping
desire, arousal, and performance ticking over, as well as driving affection and love. For the most part, they form a constant underpinning of mood, supporting though never replacing the honest-to-goodness sexual diesel generated by enthusiastic lovers.

A peak or a valley, on the other hand, can impact. Sexually, the crucial fuel is
testosterone, for her as well as for him. His will peak during his twenties, then settle into a more or less consistent pattern, dipping over the course of a long-term relationship and rising in a new one; no excuse for straying, but a possible explanation of the temptation to do so. With age, it will gently decline – but rarely enough to cause problems; if his erection is
failing, that’s reason for action, not resignation.

In her, testosterone has the same effect, raising desire, demand, and energy; in the last third of her menstrual month, when levels of the hormone are high, try more urgent, fighting sex. Around the
menopause, as
estrogen drops away and testosterone levels stay high, she may find to her delight a lust that lasts for months or years – a second adolescence of which she can take full advantage.

Oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone,” both bonds partners in affection and makes them less likely to want to be sexual – one reason why the postorgasmic default is to hug rather than go for a second bout. Add in
prolactin, the “done that, time to rest” hormone also released at orgasm, to explain why, for him in particular, the default may well be to sleep. Prolactin is released when breast-feeding too, another reason why postpartum she may be utterly turned off all things sexual – just as the
contraceptive pill, breast-feeding, and
stress may imbalance her general hormone levels, with the same low-desire result. But never be held hostage – hormones may affect mood, but they can’t overrule action; clear thinking, reassuring communication, and making love regardless are often enough to offset imbalances.

These notes are mainly included here for interest and understanding – all genuine lovers will want to know what’s under the hood in order to make the car purr more sweetly – but largely there are no bedroom applications. If the machine falters, however, science is increasingly able to supply an answer; see your doctor.

preferences

More of us than we may think have a wide sexual range – that is to say, are able to respond sexually to either gender. Yes, many recognize who they are early in life and never shift. But
adolescents often experiment before settling, and adults dream;
same-sex relationships are in the top three sexual fantasies for
heterosexuals, and some of the most surprising people – like
Hans Christian Andersen – live out such dreams in real life. Preferences are not a choice that can be overridden in the long term; you may like both sexes, but if you don’t, the irrelevant one simply doesn’t smell right and there is no negotiating that.

If you occasionally wonder – as opposed to having strong and clear desires in a particular direction – you are probably not
gay but curious. If you have strong, clear desires, don’t agonize but talk it through; ringing a gay or
lesbian help line won’t mean you are persuaded or presupposed into it, but will mean you speak to someone who has asked themselves the same questions as you have and found appropriate answers. Your own answer, once found, could transform your sex life and also your life in general; passion can flow and activities that seemed off-putting with one gender can, with the other, feel natural and fulfilling. Surely it doesn’t need saying that the joy of sex is rooted in knowing who you really are.

As to the whole political agenda, happily in most countries all of the above is not the “problem” it was when this book was first written, though in most cultures it’s still a challenge and in others it’s still actively against the law, either secular or religious. We, however, believe that one person’s flavor of sexuality is no one else’s business; everyone should be free to follow their inclinations without fear or favor. If you don’t, you not only waste your own life pretending to be someone you aren’t, you also potentially waste the life of a partner who knows there is something not quite right but can’t pinpoint it. Whatever your preferences, be honest with yourself and your beloved, and never think you can “cure” a partner of their own preference by imposing yours upon them.

This book is written for the straight reader but, within the context of a loving relationship, behaviors borrowed from the whole range of possible preferences can have their uses. Don’t dismiss (or judge) anything until you have tried it at least once.

confidence

It is, surely, a self-fulfilling prophecy that the more confident you are, the more you will enjoy sex. This is not about arrogance – the assumption that one is God’s gift will be an instant turnoff, particularly to women, if only because they know with that sort of mental map a man won’t have bothered to learn enough to be even moderately useful. At the other end of the extreme, a partner who starts off lacking in confidence only proves delightful if they ultimately benefit from care and feeding; lasting and insistent insecurity is draining in bed and out of it.

But true sexual confidence – being relaxed, knowledgeable about oneself, willing to learn about another, ready to ask for what’s needed, happy to take charge, and unwobbled by either failure or rejection – makes for that ultimate in sexual partners, one who is able both to give and receive with an equal abundance of pleasure.

This has nothing to do with looks. Nowadays, almost all women – and an increasing number of men – are scared of being spurned on that count, but this is because the media manipulates
body image. If you don’t love your body, change your mind; if your partner doesn’t love your body, change your partner. Note to her: men are almost always more focused on sensation and the feelings of acceptance that sex gives than on your size, shape, or degree of firmness. If he has ever hugged you clothed, he already knows your shape; if when you are unclothed he has an erection, then he not only accepts but lusts after it. Note to him: women care hardly at all about shape, so relax please.

He, however, may have other insecurities. He is asked to demonstrate potency in much more obvious ways than she is, and the men’s magazines may have convinced him that unless he can do so he will be rejected. But in terms of pure erection, there are always other ways – and for most women those ways are just as acceptable, certainly on an occasional basis. If generally nervous, the answer is to end up in bed only with a partner one is relaxed with and then try things out. As with all human activities, the way to mastery is through play.

Whatever one’s size, experience, and ability – or
disability – good sex is one of the most powerful confidence-builders because it places each partner right in the center of the other’s attention; beyond that, genuine compliments, demonstrated affection, and a total lack of comparison will complete the magic spell. She says: “Show me that you think I’m beautiful and everything else follows.” His words may be different, but the essential message will be the same.

cassolette

cassolette

her greatest sexual asset after her beauty