The Witch's Brew: A Collection of Hilarious Short Stories Starring the Wicked Witch of the West (7 page)

The Bumpa-Lumpas stood between the Wizard and Clarence C. Pennyweather and started to sing. “Bumpa, Lumpa, doom-pa-dee-do, I have a perfect puzzle for you.
Bumpa, Lumpa, doom-pa-dee-dee, if you are wise, you’ll listen to me. Get the fuck out of the Wizard’s face before we beat the living shit out of you. Got it?”

Clarence C. Pennyweather took a deep breath. He was outnumbered, five Bumpa-Lumpas to one Clarence C. Pennyweather. He nodded and stepped back. He looked at the Wizard. “You haven’t heard the last of me, Mr Wizard.” He turned and walked away. A semi-trailer came whizzing by and smashed straight into him. He screamed as it hit him. “AAAGGHHH!!” And that was the last they ever heard of him.

The Wizard looked at the Bumpa-Lumpas. “Thank you, my friends.” He shook their hands. “Now, go, help yourself to some chocolate.”

The Bumpa-Lumpas jumped up and down with joy and took off, bumping into each other and hurting their heads. The Wizard looked at them and smiled. He turned to the Wicked Witch who turned away. She whistled as she shifted her weight this way and that. The Bumpa-Lumpas fell over and rolled down the hill to the candy store. They bumped into the owner of the store who was standing at the door. He looked down at them. “More free candy, huh?”

The Bumpa-Lumpas smiled and nodded.

The owner of the store looked up at the Wizard. He sang, “You can take your rainbow, and shove it up your ass,” then went inside and closed the door behind him.

The Bumpa-Lumpas looked at each other and they began to cry. The Wizard looked at the Wicked Witch. “Talk about your childhood wishes going to shit.”

The Wicked Witch smiled. “Let’s go for a walk, Wally.”

The Wizard smiled and took the Wicked Witch’s hand. Together they followed the yellow brick road and soon they found themselves deep in a forest in the middle of which was a swamp. They sat on the edge and gazed into each other’s eyes.

“Why are there so many, songs about rainbows?”

The Wicked Witch looked around.

“What’s on the other side?”

The Wicked Witch turned to the Wizard. “Did you hear that?”

“Someday we’ll find out, there’s lions, and tigers, and bears.”

The Wizard turned to the Wicked Witch. “There’s no earthly way of knowing, what the fuck it is.”

The Wicked Witch climbed to her feet and began walking around the edge of the swamp, her eyes peeled for whatever had been singing. Then she saw it, a little green frog, right there, playing a banjo.

The little green frog looked up at her with a startled look on his face.

“Don’t be afraid,” the Wicked Witch said. “What’s your name?”

The little green frog began to shake. “K-K-Kermite Have Sex With Miss Piggy Or I M-M-Might Not.”

She knew right away he was a kindred spirit, for not only had she thought on occasion about having sex with Miss Piggy, she too was green. She went up to him and reached out her hand to him. He reached out his to take hers when suddenly a giant alligator leaped out of the water and took Kermite Have Sex With Miss Piggy Or I Might Not in one great gulp and it disappeared back under the water, leaving the Wicked Witch holding a bloodied arm. She cried for the little frog that was once a kindred spirit but was now an alligator’s gutful of food.

The Wizard came around to her and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. She cried hard. The beast was hurt, and it was about to be unleashed.

CHAPTER T
HREE

M
eanwhile, the Bumpa-Lumpas feelings were hurt. They wanted candy, they didn’t get it - indeed, they had a door slammed in their face - and now it was time for revenge. They climbed into the Sherman tank given to them by Adolf Hitler, the once upon a time Chancellor of Shermany. Get it? Sherman tank? Shermany? BWAHAHAH!! The Bumpa-Lumpas turned on the tank and drove it down the hill toward the candy store. They arrived in front of it and aimed the tank’s gun at it. “Ready,” the head Bumpa-Lumpa cried out. “Aim.” He looked around at the other Bumpa-Lumpas. “FIRE!!”

KABLAMMO!!

The candy store was blown to kingdom come. There was only one problem. It wasn’t the candy store. It was the house that belonged to-

“Holy fuck,” Hands on Myself said, standing over Greater Times Will Be Had Once I’m Old Enough to Have Them’s dead and bloodied body. He turned to the tank and marched toward it. “Look what the fuck you’ve done to my sister,” he said. “You’ve killed her so completely.”

One of the Bumpa-Lumpas climbed out of the tank and went over to Greater Times Will Be Had Once I’m Old Enough to Have Them’s body. He observed it for several moments then went to Hands On Myself. “Terribly sorry there old chap. It won’t happen again.”

There was another explosion and this time it was Hands On Myself that copped it. The Bumpa-Lumpa turned back to the tank where another Bumpa-Lumpa was sitting on top of it. “I didn’t mean to,” the other Bumpa-Lumpa said. “It just, happened.”

The first Bumpa-Lumpa looked at the house they had just blown up and also at the bodies of Hands on Myself and Greater Times Will Be Had Once I’m Old Enough to Have Them. “I’m thinking so completely, its time we got the fuck out of here.”

The other Bumpa-Lumpa nodded. “As the Mayor of Bumpkin City, I agree wholeheartedly. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

They both climbed back in the tank and drove away, leaving an everlasting gobsmacking scene of mayhem in their wake.

CHAPTER
FOUR

O
n the other side of Oz, the Wicked Witch loaded her guns and strapped them to her waist. She offered a gun to the Wizard who was tempted but decided not to join the Wicked Witch on her murderous rampage out of an enormous fear of dying. The Wicked Witch climbed on board her motorbike which was not a very witch-like mode of transport, but it
was
a gift from the guys on the TV show American I’ll Chop Your Head Off One of these Days as part of a promotion for their Halloween show, and she loved it. She rode into the distance and that’s when the police turned up and confronted the Wizard. He panicked and grabbed a young man hostage. He ran with him to the end of the corridor and climbed into the Winkavator. He had pressed all the buttons except that one and with the police bearing down on them he thought, “Why the fuck not?” He pressed the button and the Winkavator lifted off. It approached the glass ceiling and broke through it. Glass went flying through the air and it crashed to the ground. A big sharp piece hit one of the police officers and cut his arm deeply. Blood squirted everywhere. One of the other officers began firing at the Winkavator. As bullets whizzed by, Wally Winka the Wonderful Wizard of Oz looked at the young man he kidnapped and said, “I saw you watching my chocolate factory. So, would you like to slip your scrumdiddlyumptious bar into it?” Hmmm, so
that’s
where he came up with the name.

Meanwhile, the Wicked Witch was riding her Chopper across the Land of Oz. A zombie munchkin jumped out at her and she fired her gun at it, blowing off its head. Then another zombie munchkin came out of the bushes. She fired at that one too and blew off
its
head.

She passed the house belonging to Dorothy Gale. Oh my god, this was too good an opportunity to pass up. She turned back and pulled up in front of the house. She climbed off her bike and went to the front door. She knocked on it and Auntie Em opened it. The Wicked Witch blew her away. Then Uncle Henry came to the door. She blew
him
away too. So did Stephen King Author the First so she blew
him
away. Again!! Holy shit she was on a roll. Then Prince Charming came to the door and smiled. Awww shit he was good looking, so good looking that instead of blowing him away she simply blew him. She swallowed every drop then climbed back on her bike and rode away. Prince Charming looked down at Auntie Em and Uncle Henry’s dead bodies and that too of Stephen King Author the First. He looked over his shoulder. “Hey, Cinderella. Come clean up this fucking mess, will ya?” Looks like Prince Charming wasn’t so charming after all.

The Wicked Witch arrived at the
Aunt Esmeralda City and knocked on the door of the house the Mayor lived in. The Mayor answered the door with a smile and when he saw who it was the smile melted from his face and it was replaced with a look of fear.

BANG!!

Blood flowed from the hole in the Mayor’s chest and he fell to the floor, dead as a doornail.

Sirens sounded and the
Aunt Esmeralda City went into lockdown. A young boy was standing at the front gate, shaking it, wanting to get in. A panhandler stopped in front of him. “Forget about it, son. No one goes in, and no one comes out.”

The panhandler walked away and was about to turn left at the corner at the bottom of the hill when an out of control car being driven by a Bumpa-Lumpa bumped into him. The panhandler got caught under the car and was dragged several hundred yards before he fell down a manhole whose cover had been left off. The shark from Jaws leaped out of the water and snapped its jaws shut around his waist, cutting him into two pieces. It disappeared back under the water, waiting patiently for its next victim.

The Wicked Witch ran from the Mayor’s house and into an empty two-story one across the road. She ran upstairs to a bedroom and stood in front of the window. She looked out at the people running up and down the street in a fit of panic. She aimed her gun at one of them and pulled the trigger.

SPLAT!!

The man dropped dead on the ground. Then she aimed her gun at another person.

KAPOW!!

Two people dead.

A police car pulled up outside the house and an officer called out to her. “Wendy? Is that you? What the fuck’s going on? Why the hell are you doing this?”

The Wicked Witch thought for a moment before replying, “I don’t like Mondays. This livens up the day.”

The officer replied, “But today’s Tuesday.”

The Wicked Witch chewed her lip as she looked around the room. Of course it was Tuesday. “Awww shit.” She turned back to the officer. “Ahhh, look, I’m really sorry about this. I was just so damn busy I lost track of time.”

The police officer replied, “You know I still gotta take you in. You’ve killed half a dozen people all up.”

The Wicked Witch looked up. “God, if you really exist, please get me the hell out of here.”

“You heard the woman, Snotty,” the Captain said. “Beam her up.”

A beam of light came down from the sky and enveloped the Wicked Witch. Snotty pressed the BEAM HER UP button and the Wicked Witch was beamed up. She looked around the room she had been beamed into then laid eyes on the Captain. “Where am I?” she asked.

Captain James in Nothing but a T-Shirt Including No Pants replied, “You a
re on the Starship Enterprise.”

The Wicked Witch of the West: Star Trekkin’, Across the Universe is the fifth story in the Wicked Witch series by me. If you thought
this
one was funny, wait until you read
that
one. Man, you’ll piss yourself laughing. BWAHAHAHAH!!

Thank you, and goodnight.

THE END

-------------

T
he Wicked Witch ran from the Mayor’s house and into an empty two-story one across the road. She ran upstairs to a bedroom and stood in front of the window. She looked out at the people running up and down the street in a fit of panic. She aimed her gun at one of them and pulled the trigger.

SPLAT!!

The man dropped dead on the ground. Then she aimed her gun at another person.

KAPOW!!

Two people dead.

A police car pulled up outside the house and an officer called out to her. “Wendy? Is that you? What the fuck’s going on? Why the hell are you doing this?”

The Wicked Witch thought for a moment before replying, “I don’t like Mondays. This livens up the day.”

The officer replied, “But today’s Tuesday.”

The Wicked Witch chewed her lip as she looked around the room. Of course it was Tuesday. “Awww shit.” She turned back to the officer. “Ahhh, look, I’m really sorry about this. I was just so damn busy I lost track of time.”

The police officer replied, “You know I still gotta take you in. You’ve killed half a dozen people all up.”

The Wicked Witch looked up. “God, if you really exist, please get me the hell out of here.”

“You heard the woman, Snotty,” the Captain said. “Beam her up.”

A beam of light came down from the sky and enveloped the Wicked Witch. Snotty pressed the BEAM HER UP button and the Wicked Witch was beamed up. She looked around the room she had been beamed into then laid eyes on the Captain. “Where am I?” she asked.

Captain James in Nothing but a T-Shirt Including No Pants replied, “You are on the Starship Enterprise.”

The Wicked Witch saw his Deep Space Nine Inch Erection because he wasn’t wearing any pants and her heart skipped a beat. She caught her breath, looked back up at him, and asked, “You mean ... this isn’t Heaven?”

The Captain turned to Doctor Spocketti who shrugged his shoulders. He turned back to the Wicked Witch. “No. Should it be?”

The Wicked Witch looked over at Snotty. He was busy looking at what he had blown into his handkerchief. It was grand and it was green. Just like her. She looked back at the Captain. “I thought it might be, seeing as I prayed to God.”

The Captain thought for a moment then smiled. “Oh shit. We’re so sorry. We thought you were praying to Godfrey
Smith
, our
janitor
.”

The Wicked Witch shrugged then replied, “Why the fuck would I pray to a guy that cleans bathrooms?”

Dr Spocketti turned to the Captain with some very bad news. “Captain, I have some very bad news.”

The Captain turned to him. “What is it, Doctor?”

Doctor Spocketti pulled the Captain’s x-ray off the wall and held it out to him. “We believe it’s cancer of the testicle. I’m afraid we’ll have to remove it.”

The Captain looked down at the disco balls hanging off his Deep Space Nine Inch Erection. A tear came to his eye as the realization that one of them had run out of light hit home. He looked at each of his crew who looked back at him with a sadness he hadn’t seen since their TV show was cancelled in the late sixties. He turned to the Doctor. “Let’s do it. Remove my ball.”

Just then the door to the room slid open and a short guy in funny clothing ran in wielding a very big club. He smashed Snotty in the face and blood poured out. Snotty had often wondered just how green his valley of snot was. Know he knew not only how green it was, he saw it was tinged with the red of his blood. The short guy with the very big club then hit Doctor Spocketti with it. Blood poured from the wound and the doctor went to the bathroom to wash it off his face and shirt. Unfortunately, the water was way too hot and he cooked himself. Nothing ever goes to waste though, and later that night the crew of the Starship Enterprise sat down to a wonderful meal of Spocketti bolognaise.

The producers looked around the set, surveying the damage the short guy in funny clothing had caused. They looked at each other and smiled. They had road-tested their idea for a new Star Trek movie and it had passed with flying colors.
Star Trek: The Wrath of Genghis Khan
would begin production immediately.

A bright light shone outside the starboard window. The Wicked Witch ran to it. There, in the distance, was her hero,
Sooperdooperpooperman, the man that had saved her on two other occasions. He waved to her and she waved back. He flew toward the Starship Enterprise, smashed the window behind which the Wicked Witch was standing, and pulled her out.

“Oh, Sooperdooperpooperman,” she said, smiling, “how I love thee.”

Sooperdooperpooperman flashed his pearly whites then flashed the little old lady sitting on the park bench feeding day old bread to the little birdies. She called the police who came as soon as they heard. Godfrey Smith was employed to clean up the mess and the police were deployed to the park where the little old lady was waiting for them. When they arrived she gave them a pretty good description of the Man of Still Making Movies Almost Four Decades after the First One who was soon surrounded by a dozen police cars. He tried to get away so the police fired bullets made of kryptonite at him and he died a most painful and dramatic death. Nothing is for nothing though, for the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was watching and its members agreed the performance was worthy of one of their Best Supporting Actor awards. They awarded it posthumously which has only ever happened twice before, once for Peter Finch and the other for Heath Ledger. And it happened a third time because, as they say, everything happens in threes. Well, not everything. Sex, for example, usually happens in ones and twos, though threesomes are not unheard of. Foursomes are known to happen also. When there’s more than four, it’s an orgy. When those more than four are Oompa-Loompas, it’s an
orange
orgy. Or perhaps it’s an orgy of oranges. Either way, BWAHAHAHAHA!!

The police turned to the Wicked Witch who stepped back. “Whoa, guys. I didn’t do
nothing
, see? He was the main man. I only tagged along with him.”

The police aimed their guns at her and pulled their triggers. In the blink of an eye the Wicked Witch did a double somersault, grabbed the broom from between Harry Poffertje’s legs, and took off into the night sky, avoiding the bullets fired at her by the po
lice. Harry, on the other hand, fell to the ground, was sprinkled with pure icing sugar, and devoured by a group of hungry Dutchmen.

The Wicked Witch sped from the Earth’s atmosphere and into outer space. She passed Venus before stopping at McDonalds for a Big Mac. Soon she passed wind and then she was off again, passing more wind and flying as fast and hard as she could into the deep, dark realms of the Universe in the hope of escaping the clutches of the police. And hoping beyond her wildest dreams she might find out how the fuck to stop farting. Although it
is
said that prevention is better than the cure, so maybe she just needs to stay away from fast food.

CHAPTER
TWO

S
omewhere
on the other side of the Universe, a chicken was giving birth to an egg. Not just any egg. This was a special egg that was carrying a very special person, one that had changed the world of chocolate as we knew it for all time.

“Braaaaaaak,” went the chicken as the egg passed out its rear end at great speed. The egg shot out the building’s only egg-sit and into outer space at egg-sactly five thousand, two hundred and seventeen miles per hour. I know it’s hard to believe an egg can go that fast but I can assure you this is no yoke. It really
did
go that fast and for those involved in the creation of this rocket-like egg they were egg-siting times. As I read this paragraph back to myself, I realize egg-sactly how flucking funny I am.

The egg floated past one star after another, missing meteorites and satellites and a singer named Barry White by not much at all. It coasted past Ur-anus before swinging around to the front of the body and almost crashing into Ur-penis which was squirting semen all over the place. Just as well it missed not only Ur-penis but also the semen coming out of it because we all know what happens when sperm meets an egg. Don’t we?

It got out of there real fast and did a complete turn around Pluto who was hanging out with Mickey and Minnie who had chased down Porky Pig and caught him. That reminds me, what line did Porky Pig close his stand up act to an audience of forks with? D-d-d-dat’s all forks. Mickey and Minnie saw the egg and tried to catch it but the egg was fast and it manoeuvred itself to safety. Looks like Mickey and Minnie would have to settle for bacon
without
the eggs.

Moments later, the egg went where no egg had gone before - the dark side of Keith Moon. It soon realized the danger it was in when it saw Keith injecting drugs into his arm. Keith turned to the egg and offered it some. “No, thank you,” the egg said nervously before backing out of the room. It took off again, leaving Keith to fulfil his destiny which wasn’t just to drum for The Who bu
t to die a sickening death at too young an age which for some stupid reason seems to be the destiny of many a rock and roller that seems unable to cope with the glare of a burning spotlight. And maybe that right there
is
the reason.

The egg flew across the blue-black sky and found itself in the way of a woman riding a broom at high speed. The woman screamed and the egg braked but not hard enough because soon they collided and the egg broke. Its driver fell out of the egg to the planet below and so did the woman on the broom. They hit the ground hard and the egg crashed down on them. The woman looked at the man that had fallen with her and saw he was covered in a thick, yellow slime. So was she. She then came to the conclusion that the yoke was on them.

CHAPTER THREE

T
he Wicked Witch wiped the slime off her face. She flicked it on the ground and turned to the man beside her. “Oh, my goodness. Wally?”

Wally Winka. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. “It’s good to see you again, Wendy.”

The Wicked Witch looked over at what was left of the egg. “What’s with the egg?”

Wally stood up and brushed himself off. He helped Wendy to her feet. “The Winkavator broke down so I bought myself an egg. But I gotta tell you, take-off was no easy thing to do. I mean, have you ever seen the inside of a chicken’s butt?”

The Wicked Witch looked at Wally for several moments then turned slowly away. She looked around at the barren planet they landed on. “Where should we go now?”

Wally pulled a map out of his pocket and opened it up. He looked up at the blue-black sky then back at the map that he studied for several moments. He looked at his watch then at Wendy then back at the map that he studied for several moments more. “According to this map,” he said, “and if the compass on my Winkawatch is anything to go by, I’d say the
re’s ...”

The Wicked Witch looked at him. “Well?”

Wally smiled. “... no Earthly way of knowing, where the fuck we should be going, but we really should get going, because the danger is ah growing.”

The Wicked Witch shrugged her shoulders. “What danger?”

“ROOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!”

Wendy turned around. There, in the distance, and forty-feet high if it was a foot, was a Bumpa-Lumpa, mad as hell, and it was coming for them. Wendy and Wally turned and ran as fast as they could. They came to a cave and dived in.

Wendy turned to Wally. “Wanna tell me what the fuck
that
was all about?”

Wally bowed his head for several moments before turning to Wendy. “Since giving my chocolate factory to Charlie that Kicked the Bucket, I had to make a living. So I borrowed one of the Bumpa-Lumpas and headed for Hollywood in the hope of making a movie. Well, I did. I called it,
Honey
,
I Shrunk the Bumpa-Lumpa
. Only problem was, when it came time to
un
-shrink him it worked
too
well and the damn thing grew to forty feet. They gave me a million dollars to keep my mouth shut and sent me on my way by way of the chicken’s butt. They said they would take care of everything.” He turned to the forty foot Bumpa-Lumpa. “I guess they didn’t.”

The Wicked Witch thought for a moment. Who could possibly get them out of the
fine mess they had found themselves in? She had already tried God and we all know where
that
got her. Jesus? Nahhh. He was busy dealing with Judas. Damn it. Who
are
you gonna call?

WEE-AWWW!!

A white hearse with red and blue flashing lights pulled up behind the forty-foot Bumpa-Lumpa. The sign on the side of the hearse had a picture of a goose that was crossed out with a black marker. Wendy watched as four men climbed out of the car. The Goose-Busters pulled their triggers and four streams of proton power blasted the geese to kingdom come. Goose parts went everywhere and the head goose lay on the ground, close to death. It radioed the geese’s home base. “Goose down,” it cried as blood dripped from its battered little body. “I repeat, goose down.” The Goose-Busters looked at each other. They got the joke the writer had made and they smiled. They patted each other on the back for a job well done and headed back to their hearse. The Wicked Witch looked at the little geese and their goose parts lying all over the place, many of which had been roasted beyond recognition. She thought that the Goose-Busters’ job wasn’t the
only
thing well done.