Winter's Tide (2 page)

“I brought Commanche some carrots and horse cookies for Christmas,” I told Josie. “Can I give him one now?”

Josie was sweeping the barn floor and wiped sweat from her temple with the back of her gloved hand. Josie is athletic and plainspoken, and she's always got horse hair and hay all over her shirt. “If you do a few chores around here, I'll let you ride later. How about that? And you can give him a treat then,” she said.

“Yay! Thanks!” Josie was going to let me ride!

In fast motion, I mucked some stalls and filled some water buckets. When I finished, I stood outside Commanche's stall with the carrots I'd brought. With his peach-soft muzzle, he explored the flat of my hand and took a carrot in his teeth. I felt myself start to relax for the first time in three days. Why do I always feel like problems don't matter when I'm at the barn?

“Commanche was in a bad mood this morning, but it looks like you've perked him right up,” Josie said to me.

“Can I ride him bareback today?” I asked. I figured she'd probably say no, but I wanted to ask anyway.

“No, it'll hurt his back,” she said. “You know that.”

“But I did ride bareback that one time when I had a lesson.”

“That was when you were working on balance, and I wanted to make a point. The saddle is there for a purpose,” she said.

But later she let me canter Commanche out in the ring. The cold air stung my nostrils, but I relaxed into the saddle and the rocking of Commanche's gait. It was perfect. Commanche liked the chilly weather and was frisky and cantered more easily than usual, tossing his head, vapor coming out of his nose. He's an old horse, about twenty or so, and sometimes he's lazy, but not today. I ran my palm down his neck.

“That's a good boy, Commanche. You're doing such a good job,” I said. “The stuff that happened at school doesn't matter one bit, does it? Not one little bit. All that matters is you and me out here in the ring. Isn't that right, Commanche?”

One of his ears cocked back in my direction.

Afterward, while I was grooming Commanche, he made little snorts of pleasure and leaned up against me. I thought about that guy, Noah, from my Spanish class,
telling me to punch someone, and I wondered if that had been on my mind and maybe that's why I'd done it.

On Christmas Eve, it was windy and cold. Late in the afternoon, as the sun was starting to set, Norm and Mom and Stephanie started getting ready to go to church.

I stood in the hallway outside my room, listening. I heard them all downstairs talking in the kitchen, the rapid click of Mom's heels, and the rattle of Norm's car keys.

“Colleen just texted me that they're sitting on the right-hand side, if we want to sit with them,” Stephanie said. Colleen is Stephanie's friend from church, the one I don't trust.

“Oh, nice,” Mom said.

“We better get going. Otherwise there won't be any seats at all,” Norm said.

“Diana, we're going!” Mom called.

I came to the top of the stairs and looked down. Mom and Stephanie wore their red sweaters and scarves and gloves, and Norm wore his leather jacket. Mom's dangly Christmas earrings flashed a reflection of the lights from our tree when she looked up at me.

“Okay,” I said.

“We'll be back in about an hour and a half,” Norm said. “And when we get back, we'll open gifts with Stephanie, since she has to leave for her mom's tonight. If you need us, text your mom. She'll keep her phone on silent.”

“Okay.”

“Sure you don't want to come with us?” Mom said. “I bet you'd enjoy the Christmas carols.”

I set my jaw. Back when we'd had the family meeting and Norm had suggested going to church, he'd said he wouldn't make us. “I'm sure.”

“Okay, bye!”

The kitchen door to the garage closed behind her, and I heard her heels on the stairs. The car started. Car doors slammed. The sounds of the car engine receded as the car backed out and the garage door went down.

Then the house was silent and I was alone.

E
ven though we'd been to church without Diana before, I felt really bad about leaving her alone on Christmas Eve. Especially after what had happened at school. As we drove out of the neighborhood, past all the houses with Christmas lights just winking on, Daddy and Lynn talked about her.

“Maybe we should have made her come,” Daddy said.

“Then she would just rebel and become resentful, so we can't do that, Norm,” Lynn said.

“Do you think she'll ever change her mind?”

“Diana is very stubborn,” said Lynn. “I guess we'll just have to give her time and see. Maybe she'll be an agnostic all her life. I was for many years.”

“I didn't want to go to church for a long time after the divorce,” Daddy said, “so I understand where she's coming from. She's going through a tough time. I just wish we could help her more.”

I was used to hearing Daddy and Lynn talk about problems with Diana in front of me. Sometimes I felt jealous that they spent so much time thinking about her. I got the feeling that because I was an easier kid, they didn't focus on me as much because they didn't have to. But it was so much better than what was happening at Mama's house with my stepbrother, Matt. I had to go over there tonight and tomorrow for Christmas Day, and I was dreading it even though I missed Mama.

“So going to church with me last spring made you change your mind about God?” I asked Daddy.

“It did,” Daddy said. “Just being there together with you, I suddenly had this feeling of peace. I saw how powerful God's love is and how it can transform our lives.”

I sat back in my seat, warmed by Daddy's words.

Each of us was given a candle on our way into the
sanctuary. The Chrismon tree in the front sparkled with white lights, and on the dais next to the podium were the four Advent candles. People wearing coats and scarves were streaming down the aisles, and most of the seats were filled. As we came in, the minister took the microphone to be heard over the buzz of conversation.

“Everyone please snuggle a little bit closer to your neighbor, so we can make room for our many worshippers this afternoon,” she said with a smile.

Colleen waved excitedly to me from her seat, pointing to the spaces she'd saved for us, and we threaded our way over. I slid into the pew next to Colleen and Daddy sat next to me. Lynn sat on the end and waved hello to Colleen's dad and stepmom down the row. Colleen had scoped out all the kids we knew from school and youth group, and she pointed out where they were sitting. There is this one boy Andy from youth group who everyone calls “Panda Eyes” because of his big, sleepy brown eyes and long eyelashes. He was sitting in the balcony. Colleen had had a crush on him for a few weeks. She'd been waiting for him to look down so she could wave at him.

During the service, we sang a lot of Christmas carols, and a member of the congregation lit all of the Advent candles. The minister gave a short sermon
about Jesus being the sign of God's boundless love for us. While she was talking, I noticed Daddy take Lynn's hand. And then he took mine too.

We bowed our heads for prayer after the sermon, and while the minister said her prayer, I said my own. I said a prayer for Daddy and Lynn and for Diana. I said a prayer for Mama and Barry. I asked God to bless Grammy.

I should have said a prayer for Matt, but I didn't. I purposely didn't.

At the end of the service, we sang “Silent Night,” and we lit our candles and held them up for the last stanza. Like our voices, the warm flickering points of light filled the church, all the way up to the balcony, and there was a hush of reverence after the last note sounded. I stood there basking in the warmth of love from all around.

When we got home, Diana was watching Animal Planet. Lynn started scurrying around the kitchen. She slid a turkey, beans, sweet-potato casserole, and some other side dishes she'd made earlier into the oven to warm.

“Stephanie, I want us to have Christmas Eve dinner together before you go to your mom's,” she said. “Diana, why don't you set the table while Stephanie packs up her stuff?”

“We'll open presents after dinner, and then I'll take you over there,” Daddy said to me.

I slowly went upstairs to pack my things. I put my weekend bag on the bed and stood staring at it. I was only going to be there for two days, so I didn't need to take much.

I dreaded seeing Matt.

One time, I had been dropped off early from cheerleading practice, and he and his friends had been drinking beer in the basement. Standing at the top of the stairs, I'd overheard them talking and laughing.

“… and I had just gotten a case out of the fridge when Matt accidentally hit the garage door opener—”

“— and you thought the people were home—”

“— and I dropped the case right on my foot!”

“What an idiot!”

After listening for a few minutes, I figured out that they had stolen the beer from someone's garage refrigerator. I was getting ready to go back to my room when Matt suddenly cracked the door open and poked his head through. He had a square face, like my stepdad's, but he was shorter and heavier than Barry. His breath smelled horrible. “What did you hear, you little twerp?”

“Nothing.” My throat went dry, and I put my hands behind my back to keep him from seeing that they'd started shaking.

“I don't believe you.” He put his face close to mine. “If you tell, you'll be sorry,” he said in a nasty whisper. “Do you understand?”

I swallowed but didn't answer.

He reached out and grabbed my chin. “Do you understand?” he hissed.

I'd wrenched my head away. And I did tell Daddy. But I'd made him promise not to say anything to Mama or anyone else. And I'd wished something bad would happen to Matt. I wished he would get caught and thrown in jail.

When I got back downstairs after packing, Daddy had put on a Christmas music CD and Lynn had lit candles on the table. I knew everything would taste really good at dinner, and I normally love sweet-potato casserole, but tonight I was feeling nervous about leaving and barely tasted anything.

After dinner, we brought our gifts to the living room and sat around the Christmas tree. I was feeling more and more depressed, but I was also kind of excited about the presents I'd gotten for everyone and was eager for them to open them. I had gotten Diana some earrings that looked like horseshoes. I was so happy that I'd found her something horse related.

“Oh, thanks,” she said as she pulled the top off the box. She put them on and swung her head to show me.

When it was time for Diana to give me her gift, she handed me a bag with lots of green tissue paper neatly framing the top. Lynn was smiling with an expectant look on her face, and I suspected Lynn had helped Diana pick out the gift for me. I didn't know how I felt about that. I had picked out Diana's myself and had spent my own allowance on it.

But when I opened it I knew. It was a brand of perfume I'd sprayed myself with once when I was shopping with Lynn, so I knew Lynn had picked it out. Maybe Diana hadn't even had anything to do with it.

“Thanks, Diana,” I said, and gave her a hug.

“Sure,” she said, and after a moment of hesitation, she hugged me back.

Daddy and Lynn gave me a pair of black leather boots I had asked for.

“I love them!” I said, pulling them on. They fit perfectly. I jumped up and gave Daddy and Lynn hugs. I sat back down, admiring them, inhaling the rich leather smell. Then my heart started beating harder because I knew now it was time to go.

“Diana, why don't you open the present from your dad,” I said, stalling, pointing to the shoebox-sized package that had come in the mail.

“No, I want to wait until Christmas Day to open it,” Diana said.

“Oh, come on. I want to see what it is,” I said. “I think I know.”

“No, I'm waiting until tomorrow,” she insisted.

I felt deflated. Didn't Diana know that I wasn't going to be here? Finally, I said, “Well, text me when you open it and tell me what it is.”

“Well, I guess it's about that time then,” Daddy said, glancing at his watch and standing up. “Is your bag ready, Stephanie?”

“Just a minute. I'll get it.” I headed for the stairs. The heels of my new boots sounded much firmer on the wood floor than I felt.

In my room, I put the strap of my weekend bag over my shoulder, then looked around, reassuring myself that I would be back in just a few days. I picked up the shiny bag with my Christmas presents for Mama and Barry. Mama had told me that she would get something for me to give Matt, and I realized that wasn't any different from Lynn buying Diana's present for me. Except that I thought Diana and I had started to get close, and nobody would think that about Matt and me.

Downstairs, Daddy took my bag. “It's light,” he said. “You'll have to come back soon, because you'll run out of clothes.”

“Yeah,” I said. I wished.

Diana was leaning against the counter and gave me a little wave. “Bye,” she said. “Have fun.”

Lynn gave me a big hug, patting my back several times.

“Have a wonderful Christmas, and we'll see you back here in just a couple of days.” Lynn stood back and framed my face with her hands. “I know your mama will be so pleased to have you there.”

“Yeah.”

Impulsively, Lynn hugged me again. “Bye, sweetie.”

“Come on. We better go,” Daddy said.

For some reason I noticed how cold the car felt inside, though I hadn't noticed earlier going to church. I wrapped my scarf around my neck an extra time as we headed up the driveway.

“Need a little more heat?” Daddy said, adjusting the lever when I nodded. “So,” he said. “What did you get your mama for Christmas?”

“She always likes to have parties out by the pool, so I got her a set of fancy painted plastic glasses. Do you think she'll like them?”

“She'll like anything from you, sweetie,” Daddy said. “Well, listen, you'll have a good time. I'll be coming to pick you up day after tomorrow, and I'm sure everything will be fine.”

“I hope so,” I said.

“Are you worried about Matt?” he said.

“A little.”

“If you have any problem, call me, you hear?”

“Okay.” But I knew I wouldn't call, and I wouldn't say anything else about Matt. I was afraid I'd said too much already. I'd decided I'd just do my best to avoid him. We headed into Mama's neighborhood, with its tall stucco and stone houses, and I took a deep, shaky breath. When we turned into the driveway, I breathed a sigh of relief. Matt's black Mustang wasn't there!

Daddy didn't usually do this, but he got out of the car and reached into the backseat and got my weekend bag. “Come on, honey,” he said. “I'll walk you in.”

He put his arm over my shoulder as I headed into the house through the garage entrance to Mama's country-French-style kitchen. Mama was at the counter, dressed in a tight-fitting red top and black jeans, getting out bowls for ice cream. Her dark hair was pulled up into a pretty twist.

“There you are!” she said excitedly. “I thought you'd be here earlier. I feel like I've been waiting forever for you to get here.” She ran over and gave me a tight hug, and I could smell her Chanel perfume. Then she stood back and held out her arms to Daddy. “It's Christmas Eve. We'll have hugs all around! Norm, you look good. Merry Christmas. Thanks for bringing her.”

“Sure. Merry Christmas to you,” Daddy said, hugging Mama carefully and then putting his hands in his pockets. When he was around Mama, he was quieter than usual.

She rushed back to the counter. “Stephanie, I've got your favorite swirl ice cream. Here are our bowls. And we need spoons!” The spoons clattered as she took them out of the drawer. “Barry is upstairs on the computer, and Matt is out with his friends, so it'll be just the two of us!”

“Matt is out with his friends on Christmas Eve?” Daddy said.

Mama waved a hand in his direction carelessly. “Don't ask me! His father told him he could, just for a little while. Apparently he still had presents to get.”

“He didn't get presents yet?” I said, amazed.

“That's what he told his father.” Mama rolled her eyes.

Mama's calico cat, Starbucks, came weaving into the kitchen and meowed at me. That was the one thing I wished, that I could have taken Starbucks to live with me at Daddy's, but Mama is attached to her.

“Hey, Star!” I scooped her up and held her in my arms, scratching behind her ears and under her chin where she likes it. Diana had been over here once for a few minutes, and she'd spent the entire time with Starbucks.

“And I got us
Elf
. You said you liked that movie with Will Ferrell, right, Stephanie?”

“Yeah.” It had been on TV about ten times the past week, and I'd already watched it, but I didn't tell Mama that. I could watch it again. Starbucks meowed and jumped out of my arms, onto the floor, and then darted out of the room.

“Okay, I'm going to head out,” Daddy said, putting down my weekend bag. “I'll be here to pick you up the day after tomorrow.”

“Make it late, Norm. After dinner; I want her as long as I can have her!” Mama said, waving her arms at Daddy.

“Well, we were hoping Stephanie could have dinner with us, I think.” Daddy looked pleasant, but he was impatiently turning the doorknob back and forth.

“No, no, no. I've got plans to take her out, and y'all had her for dinner tonight,” Mama said, her hand on her hip. Daddy opened his mouth to argue, then shot me a look.

“Why don't you call me when you're ready, okay? Bye, honey.” Daddy gave me a hug, met my eyes, and then closed the door carefully behind him as he left.

“Well!” Mama said, raising her arms over her head. “We have the evening to ourselves! I can't tell you how excited I've been, looking forward to this!”