Dr. Nicholas Is Ridiculous! (4 page)

“Isn't Mattel a toy company?” asked Alexia.

“It wasn't back then,” said Dr. Nicholas. “But they used the extra scraps of wood to make doll furniture. Soon they discovered that they were making more money from the doll furniture than the picture frames. So they switched to making toys.”

“That's interesting!” said Andrea.

“Tell us more!” said Emily.

I thought I was gonna die.

“Back then,” Dr. Nicholas went on, “most dolls were baby dolls. But Ruth and Elliot Handler went on a trip to Switzerland, and one day they saw an adult doll called Lilli in a store. They brought one home for their daughter. And do you know what their daughter's nickname was?”

“Dumbhead Ugly Face?” I guessed.

“You are
so
immature, Arlo!” said Andrea. “I bet their daughter's nickname was Barbie.”

“That's right!” said Dr. Nicholas. “So in 1959, Ruth and Elliot decided to make the first Barbie doll. It was eleven and a half inches tall, and it sold for three dollars. It became the most popular doll in the world. Two years later, they came out with Barbie's boyfriend, Ken, and he was named after their son.”

Dr. Nicholas went on and on talking about the history of Barbie. I thought the half an hour would never end. I kept looking at the clock and waiting for Mr. Granite to come back from the teachers' lounge.

“Are Ruth and Elliot Handler still alive?” asked Andrea.

“No,” said Dr. Nicholas. “Ruth passed away in 2002, and Elliot died in 2011. But Barbie lives on. Mattel has sold more than a
billion
Barbie dolls, and every three seconds another one is sold.”

“History is interesting!” said Little Miss Perfect.

I hate history.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” Dr. Nicholas said. “After a few years, Elliot decided that he wanted a toy for boys. So he came up with the idea of real-looking little metal cars. And in 1968, Hot Wheels was born.”

WHAT?! The same people who invented Barbie also invented Hot Wheels?!

“Tell us about the history of Hot Wheels!” said Ryan.

“Yeah!” shouted all the boys.

“Well, it all started back in—”

Dr. Nicholas didn't get the chance to finish her sentence, because Mr. Granite came back from the teachers' lounge.

“I'm afraid we're out of time,” Dr. Nicholas said. “We'll learn more about history tomorrow.”

“Yay!” everybody shouted.

“I'm really glad we're learning all about history,” said Andrea. “But we need to prepare for the big test.”

“Yeah, if we don't do better on the test next week, the school will be closed,” said Alexia.

“Don't worry about that silly test,” said Dr. Nicholas. “It will be a piece of cake.”

More cake?

Maybe they were going to give us a test with all the questions written in the icing of a cake. At Ryan's birthday party last year, there was a cake with a photo of Ryan's face on it. I got to eat Ryan's eyeball. It was cool.

All that talk about cake was getting me hungry. That was good, because it was time for lunch.

We have lunch in the vomitorium. It used to be called the cafetorium until some kid threw up in there last year. It was gross.

I sat with the guys and Alexia. Then Andrea and Emily came over, and we had to squeeze together to make room for them.

Michael had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Alexia had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Neil the nude kid had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Just about everybody had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Everybody except me. I had a piece of cake. I held it up for everybody to see.

“Now
this
is a piece of cake!” I told them.

Naturally, we all started talking about Dr. Nicholas and how weird she was.

“If she's a real doctor,” I said, “she should cure sick people. That's what doctors do.”

“Maybe she cured sick people in history,” said Neil.

“She's the weirdest history teacher in history,” Ryan said.

“Yeah,” Michael said. “I bet nobody else teaches the history of toilet bowls and Barbie dolls.”

“Maybe she's not a real history teacher at all,” I said. “Did you ever think about that?”

“What do you mean, A.J.?” asked Alexia.

“Well, maybe Dr. Nicholas kidnapped our real history teacher,” I said.

“Old ladies don't kidnap people,” Neil said.

“Old ladies don't jump rope either,” I told him. “Dr. Nicholas probably kidnapped our real history teacher and sent her back in time with a time machine.”

“Stop trying to scare Emily,” said Andrea.

“I'm scared!” said Emily.

“Yeah, right now our real history teacher is probably being tortured in a castle during the 13th century. Stuff like that happens all the time, you know.”

“We've got to
do
something!” shouted Emily, and then she went running out of the vomitorium.

I slapped my head. Sheesh, get a grip! That girl will fall for anything.

After Emily left, Andrea was sitting there with her worried face on.

“What's the matter with you?” I asked. “Did you lose your encyclopedia?”

“No, I'm worried about our school,” Andrea told me. “In just two days, we have to take that test again. Mr. Klutz said the school will close if we don't do better. But we're not going to do very well if we only learn about the history of toilet bowls and Barbie dolls.”

I realized Andrea was right for once in her life. Learning about the history of toilet bowls and Barbie dolls was cool, but it wouldn't help us on the test. And if we failed again, Ella Mentry School would be shut down forever. Then we'd have to go to Dirk School, which is a school for dorks on the other side of town.

“What are we going to do?” asked Alexia.

“Beats me,” said Neil the nude kid.

Neil looked at me. I looked at Ryan. Ryan looked at Michael. Michael looked at Andrea. Andrea looked at Neil. Everybody was looking at each other.

We were in trouble.

“We should form a study group!”

I couldn't believe those words actually came out of my mouth.

But it made sense. We all knew what was going to be on the test. If we learned the answers together, we'd get them all right, and we could save our school.

“Let's have the study group at
my
house after school this afternoon!” said Andrea. “We can call ourselves the Study Buddies!”

Ugh! One time, I had to put on a jacket and tie and go to Andrea's house for her birthday party. I was so bored that I started throwing snails into the garbage can and hit Emily in the head with one. But I agreed to go over to Andrea's house again to save our school.

“Mom,” I said when I got home, “can you drive me over to Andrea's house?”

“What?!” my mother shouted. “You always say you don't like Andrea. Why do you want to go over to her house?”

“We're having a study group.”

“WHAT?!” My mom rushed over and put her hand on my forehead. Moms are always putting their hands on your forehead. Nobody knows why. “Are you feeling okay, A.J.? You always say you
hate
studying! Maybe you're coming down with something. You need to rest in bed.”

“No!” I told her. “I need to get to Andrea's house right away! It's
very
important!”

My mom drove me over to Andrea's house.

“Hi Arlo!” Andrea said when she opened the door. “You're the first one here. Come on in. Let's go to my room.”

My mom went to the kitchen to make chitchat with Andrea's mom. Andrea took me upstairs to her room. It was the weirdest place in the history of the world. There were books and encyclopedias and Barbies and all kinds of pink stuff
everywhere
. I thought I was gonna die.

Luckily, the doorbell rang. It was Ryan and Michael. Andrea and I ran downstairs to let them in.

“Oooooh!”
Ryan said. “A.J. got to Andrea's house
first
. They must be in
love
!”

“When are you two Study Buddies gonna get married?” asked Michael.

If those guys weren't my best friends, I would hate them.

Soon the others showed up, and we went to Andrea's basement. And you'll never believe in a million hundred years what was down there.

A classroom!

There was a big whiteboard on the wall, and desks, encyclopedias, posters, and a computer. There was even a flag, so Andrea could pledge the allegiance at home.

Who has a classroom in their basement? What is Andrea's problem?