Dr. Nicholas Is Ridiculous! (6 page)

“That was cool!” we all said when the lights went back on.

“I'm glad you enjoyed the time boat,” Dr. Nicholas told us. “But you'll have to get out now and let the other classes take their turns.”

We were about to climb out of the time boat when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.

Somebody screamed!

Well, that's not the weird part, because people scream all the time. The weird part was what happened next.

“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek!”

It was Andrea.

“What's the matter?” we all asked.

“Emily's not here!” shouted Andrea. “She was sitting right next to me in the time boat!”

“Where's Emily?”

“Where's Emily?”

“Where's Emily?”

In case you were wondering, everybody was shouting, “Where's Emily?”

Emily was gone!

“Emily!”

“Emily!”

“Emily!”

“I'm sure she's around here somewhere,” said Dr. Nicholas.

We looked under all the desks in the science room for Emily, but we couldn't find her anywhere.

“Maybe she got scared by all the lights and noise,” I said. “She probably ran away. She does that all the time.”

“With all that shaking,” Ryan said, “she might have fallen out of the time boat.”

“They should really put seat belts on time boats,” I suggested.

“If Emily fell out of the time boat,” said Alexia, “she could be in another time!”

“I think we may have left her back in 1776 with Betsy Ross!” shouted Andrea. “That was the last time I saw her. She'll be stuck in 1776
forever
!”

Andrea started crying. The grown-ups tried to calm her down, but it was no use. Andrea was freaking out.

“There, there,” said Dr. Nicholas as she patted Andrea on the back.

People always say, “There, there,” and pat you on the back when they want you to calm down. They don't say, “There.” It has to be “There, there.” What's up with that? Why should I feel better just because somebody said the word “there” twice and patted me on the back?

“Emily is my best friend!” Andrea wailed. “Now she's stuck in 1776 for the rest of her life, and I'll never see her again!”

I don't even
like
Emily, but I was getting a little choked up myself.

“She might get shot by British soldiers,” said Ryan.

“Or she might help George Washington cross the Delaware,” said Neil the nude kid.

That's when I got a genius idea.

“Hey,” I said, “why don't we just get back in the time boat, go to 1776, and look for Emily?”

“Yeah!” everybody shouted.

“That's a great idea, A.J.!” said Dr. Nicholas.

No wonder I'm in the gifted and talented program.

We were climbing back into the time boat when you'll never believe who walked into the science room.

I'm not going to tell you.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you.

It was Emily!

“Emily!” we all screamed.

Everybody ran over to Emily and started hugging her.

“What's the big deal?” Emily said. “Why is everyone shouting and yelling?”

“Where
were
you?” Andrea asked. “We were so worried! We thought that we left you in 1776, and you would be stuck there for the rest of your life!”

“I wasn't in 1776,” Emily explained. “I was in the bathroom.”

Oh.

“Why didn't you just wait until we got out of the time boat?” Andrea asked her.

“It was an emergency,” Emily whispered. “I had a number two.”

“But why did you go to the bathroom?” I asked. “We have plenty of pencils right here.”

Emily is weird.
*

The next day we had to take the history test again. Everybody was nervous. If we scored high, our school would stay open. But if we scored low, our school would shut down, and we would have to go to Dirk School on the other side of town. We were all on pins and needles.

Well, not really. We were sitting on chairs. Why would anybody want to sit on pins and needles? That would hurt.

Before the test we had to go to the all-purpose room. Mr. Klutz, Mr. Docker, Mrs. Yonkers, and some of the other teachers were up on the stage. But not Dr. Nicholas.

“Where's Dr. Nicholas?” whispered Michael.

“Where's Dr. Nicholas?” whispered Andrea.

“Where's Dr. Nicholas?” whispered Emily.

In case you were wondering, everybody was whispering, “Where's Dr. Nicholas?”

Mr. Klutz made the shut-up peace sign with his fingers, and we all stopped whispering to each other. He wasn't smiling like he usually is. He looked really sad.

“I wanted to let you students know that I just fired Dr. Nicholas,” he said.

WHAT?! Everybody gasped.

We
liked
Dr. Nicholas. This was the worst thing to happen since TV Turnoff Week!

“Why did you fire Dr. Nicholas?” we all shouted.

“I found out she was wasting valuable classroom time to teach you about silly things like the history of Barbie dolls and the history of toilet bowls,” said Mr. Klutz. “As a result, you are not prepared for the big test, and you may very well fail it. Ella Mentry School may close its doors forever.”

Everybody was moaning, sobbing, and wiping their eyes with tissues.

“I just wanted you to know that it has been a pleasure being your principal,” said Mr. Klutz, “and I just wanted to say good-bye.”

It was really sad. We walked back to our classroom without saying a word. When Mr. Granite passed out the test papers and asked us if we all had our number two pencils, nobody even giggled or cracked a joke about number two.

“When I say Go, turn over your test papers,” said Mr. Granite. “Ready . . . set . . . GO!”

I turned over my test paper and looked at the first few questions. . . .

 
1. Who invented Barbie?

 
2. What did Tom Crapper do?

Well, you probably know what happened after that. We did
great
on the test. We scored so high that Mr. Klutz threw us a big party. And do you know what I had to eat at the party?

I'm not going to tell you.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you.

NO, IT WASN'T CAKE!

You thought I was going to say a piece of cake, didn't you? But there was no cake at all. Why is everybody always talking about cake?

We had cookies and Jell-O and pie at the party! I ate so much that I thought I was gonna throw up. It was the greatest day of my life.

Maybe Dr. Nicholas will get hired again to teach us more history. Maybe a meteor will destroy the earth, and we won't have to take tests anymore. Maybe they'll come up with a different number for pencils. Maybe the Pilgrims will go to Home Depot. Maybe Chuck Norris will run for president. Maybe we'll go scuba diving in the all-purpose room. Maybe Dr. Nicholas will get off Oprah. Maybe the dinosaurs will return, and we can ride them to school. Maybe we'll find out who invented toilet paper. Maybe we'll get another ride in the time boat. Maybe we'll get to try some paper made out of peanuts. Maybe Emily will get lost in time for real. Maybe we'll learn how to say the word “crapper” without giggling. Maybe people will stop talking about cake all the time.

But it won't be easy!

Photo by Howard Wolf

DAN GUTMAN
has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.

JIM PAILLOT
lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn't that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.

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