Romance (10 page)

B
ERNARD:
What is he accused of?
{Pause)

DEFENDANT:
I attacked a chiropodist.
{All murmur)
And …
{Pause)

PROSECUTOR:
Get it off your chest.

DEFENDANT:
And I had sex with a goose.
{He weeps)

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
I cheated on my income tax …

PROSECUTOR:
I never took the Bar exam …

JUDGE:
Fm Jewish. (Pause)

DOCTOR:
This man's in
shock …

JUDGE:
I'm Jewish. My father told me. He confessed.

PROSECUTOR:
… oh, Your Honor …

JUDGE:
He came over from Poland. He told everybody he was Welsh. He was a
Jew …
my father was a Jew … I'm a Jew … I'm a sheeny …
(Weeps)

DEFENDANT:
You're not a Jew unless your mother was a Jew.

JUDGE:
What?

DEFENDANT:
You're not a Jew unless your mother was a Jew.

JUDGE:
I'm
not
a Jew … ?

DEFENDANT:
N
O.

JUDGE:
(Pause)
Thank God. Thank you, God. You do exist. There is a God …

DOCTOR:
Hold him, while I administer the hypodermic.

JUDGE:
There is a God. It's all true. People? People? God
exists. (To
BAILIFF)
D
O
you hear? God exists!!!
(He goes to embrace the
BAILIFF.)

DOCTOR:
(Administering the hypodermic)
The antidote should take effect immediately.

JUDGE:
God exists. How could we
e ‘er
repay his Endless Mercies?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor, we could bring peace to the Middle East.

BAILIFF:
Your Honor, the car is waiting. I have called ahead, the car is waiting to transport us to the Peace Conference.

(All start toward the door, save the
JUDGE.
They look back and see the
JUDGE
still seated.)

BAILIFF:
Wait, he has to say, “Court is Adjourned …”

JUDGE:
Yeah, that's right, I have to, urn …
(Phone rings.)

(All look around to find the culprit guilty of leaving on the ringer.
B
ERNARD
takes the phone from his pocket)

B
ERNARD:
Hello … ?

DEFENDANT:
If Your Honor will but say, “Court is Adjourned …”

B
ERNARD:
{Apologizing to court, as he opens his phone)
I'm sorry …
(To
PROSECUTOR)
It's your mother.

PROSECUTOR:
I have nothing to say to her.

B
ERNARD:
She wants to know if you're watching the Peace Conference on TV

PROSECUTOR:
Tell her I can't talk now. I'm
working.

B
ERNARD:
Mom? Mom? He's working …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
If Your Honor will but say, “Court is Adjourned …”

B
ERNARD:
(Reiterating the question of the
PROSECUTOR'S
mother)…
“Did you hear what the one fellow called the other fellow at the Peace Conference? …” …
What?
He called the other guy
what
… ? ON TV… ?

DEFENDANT:
What, what did he say?

B
ERNARD:
Can I repeat it in a Court of Law… ? He

said …

(Sound of sirens. All listen.)

JUDGE:
Would somebody turn off the kettle … ?

BAILIFF:
Your Honor, that is the sound of sirens.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
The leaders have quitted the Peace Conference. They have departed in wrath.

DEFENDANT:
T
OO
late, too late … why, Lord, oh why are we doomed to endless strife?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Well, everything was going fine till you killed Christ.

{General approval
,
DEFENDANT
gets incensed and attacks the

DEFENSE
ATTORNEY
.
)

JUDGE:
Hey in all fairness, he's right. But that's a question for another day.
(JUDGE
raises gavel)
Case dism—

BAILIFF:
One moment.
(Puts his arm around
JUDGE)
Yes
, we may have spent our vacation on Ibiza, but we were on the
straight
part of the island.

ALL:
Oh,
please …

JUDGE:
(He looks to
BAILIFF
,
who nods. Then the
JUDGE
brings
down the gavel)
This court is adjourned.

END.