Romance (9 page)

PROSECUTOR:
Your Honor … ?

JUDGE:
Or was he a Normal Human Being?
(To
B
ERNARD)
My golly you smell good.

B
ERNARD:
Thank you, Your Honor.

JUDGE:
Call me Danny …

B
ERNARD:
Thank you, Danny. You're a Nice Man.

JUDGE:
Oh, hush. Because I want to tell you: You bring Peace to the Middle East, and you're gonna look back on it as one of the Proudest Days of Your Life.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor.

JUDGE:
Was Shakespeare a Jew? You go first. Whaddaya

say?

PROSECUTOR:
Your Honor, the introduction of Religion, into a Court of Law …

JUDGE:
Don't take that tone with me. Jeez. You can't even be civil with your
Boyfriend … {Pause)
What
did
he do?

B
ERNARD:
He made me burn the pot roast.

JUDGE:
YOU
SWINE.
Y
OU
come
in
here, with your, your highfalutin’ tales of Peace and, all the what, the lions will lie down with the lambs.
Bullshit. Bullshit
, is what I say. Pure
Bullshit.

PROSECUTOR:
… Your Honor …

JUDGE:
Because the fucking
lambs
are
already
lying down with the lambs.

PROSECUTOR:
Your …

JUDGE:
At
nighttime.
What are the fucking lambs gonna do? “Yawn yawn, time to turn in, think I'll go bunk with the
lions”}

BERNARD
:
No.

JUDGE:
You're fucking A. They're
going
to lie down with the lambs. Now …

PROSECUTOR:
Your Honor …

JUDGE:
The
lions
, on the other hand: They're never
ever
going to lie down with the lambs. THEY'RE GOING TO EAT THEM.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor, they depart tomorrow. But for the moment, in these fleeting moments, the representatives of two great and warring powers …

JUDGE:
D
O
you believe those sheenies and those … uh, uh …

BAILIFF:
… fine, upstanding Arabs …

ALL:
Mmm.

JUDGE:
… can ever stop their stupid bitching?

PROSECUTOR:
He didn't look like a Jew in his pictures …

JUDGE:
Pictures are deceiving. Did you know that Theodore Roosevelt was a Mulatto?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor, my client…

JUDGE:
Your client. Yeah, yeah. What did he do? What is it? Insider trading?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your …

JUDGE:
Child molestation?
We ‘re
all friends here …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor, my client has pleaded Not Guilty, to …

JUDGE:
Well, DUH,
I
get it.
I'm
in on the joke. I understand. All that he's got to do. Okay,
off the
record, just for the, the, the, you concur …

PROSECUTOR:
Your Honor, make him say “I'm sorry.”

JUDGE:
Y
OU
bet. Come on now.

B
ERNARD:
Would somebody help me find my contact?

JUDGE:
Whatever the fellow did, you have him come up here n'say “I'm sorry” —then we'll save the Middle East.
(Pause)

(DEFENDANT
and
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
confer.)

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor, my client has asked me to forward to this Honorable Court his statement, which consists in but those two, blest, blessed words: I'M SORRY.

PROSECUTOR:
Make him
say
it.

JUDGE:
Say it, pal.

(All murmur
,
DEFENDANT
comes forward)

B
ERNARD:
I think that he should say it.

DEFENDANT:
I'm sorry.

JUDGE:
I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Speak up, please.

DEFENDANT:
I'm sorry.

JUDGE:
That's all it takes. And now:

B
ERNARD:
I know that voice … I KNOW THAT VOICE … GEORGE BERNSTEIN?
IS THAT YOU?
IS THAT YOU, YOU SONOFABITCH?

DEFENDANT:
I, I…

B
ERNARD:
HOW DARE YOU COME IN HERE AND SHOW YOUR FACE?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Who is George Bernstein?

B
ERNARD:
After you hung me out to dry in Hawaii? You sonofabitch.

PROSECUTOR:
Who is George Bernstein?

B
ERNARD:
And you gave me a False NAME?

DEFENDANT:
Bunny. Buns …

B
ERNARD:
Don't you “Buns” me. I sat in that hotel room Three Days, waiting for you to come back from the Ice Dispenser.

DEFENDANT:
Bunny. My wife.

JUDGE:
Bunny … ?

B
ERNARD:
Eating macadamia nuts. Do you have any
notion
the amount of carbohydrates I consumed?

DEFENDANT:
Bunny I wanted to stay my wife.

B
ERNARD:
“Oh Bunny let me Take you to Hawaii…”

PROSECUTOR:
… take you to Hawaii…

JUDGE:
“Bunny.” I
know
that name …

PROSECUTOR:
YOU LITTLE WHORE. HE TOOK YOU TO HAWAII? WHEN?

B
ERNARD:
Last November.

DEFENDANT:
Bunny my wife called, she …

PROSECUTOR:
Y
OU
told me you were going to Atlantic City with My Mother.

B
ERNARD:
I lied, I lied, all right? D'that ever happen to you?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor …

PROSECUTOR:
Where did you meet him?

B
ERNARD:
Is it important?

PROSECUTOR:
I want to know.

B
ERNARD:
The small leather-goods counter at Saks.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor …

B
ERNARD:
He was buying an agenda.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor, for the remainder of today…

PROSECUTOR:
Your Honor, I
have
that agenda …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Scant moments, during which we may bring peace to the Middle …

PROSECUTOR:
Your Honor, I have that agenda in evidence, which … Wait wait wait wait
wait
MY MOTHER HELPED YOU CHEAT ON ME … ?

(DOCTOR
enters)

DOCTOR:
I'm sorry I'm late.

JUDGE:
And who is this, now?

DOCTOR:
(TO
BAILIFF)
Show me the bottle. How many pills did he take?

BAILIFF:
Your Honor, I've taken the liberty of contacting a physician …

DOCTOR:
I'm sorry that I'm late, Your Honor. I was delayed by the extraordinary security precautions attendant upon the end of the Middle East Peace Conference.

PROSECUTOR:
Y
OU
and my mother …
Bunny
… ?

JUDGE:
“Bunny.” His Name was Stuck to the Note on the Motion.

DOCTOR:
Give me your arm, please …

JUDGE:
With the Au Jus of a Pot Roast…

DOCTOR:
Mm, hmm. Give me your arm, please,
(DOCTOR

takes hypodermic from his bag.)

JUDGE:
This is no time to get high.

B
ERNARD:
My name … ?

JUDGE:
On the note it said, it said …
(Handing up the note)
Here. “I want to Lick You All Over. Bunny.”

DOCTOR:
Give me your arm, please.

JUDGE:
I can't right now, I'm busy—we're bringing peace to the Mid-East.

DOCTOR:
H
OW
are you going to do that?

JUDGE:
We're going to crick their necks.

DEFENDANT:
That is a simplified, but an essentially correct …

DOCTOR:
This man is in the throes of a drug-induced psy-chotomimetic fugue.

JUDGE:
And what the fuck's it
to
you?

DOCTOR:
(TO
BAILIFF)
Subdue him, please.

DEFENDANT:
I don't believe he needs a shot…

DOCTOR:
Excuse me?

DEFENDANT:
He does not require an injection.

DOCTOR:
And now you speak in what capacity?

DEFENDANT:
I speak as a Chiropractor.

DOCTOR:
N
O
, seriously …

DEFENDANT:
Are you ignorant of the fact, a heightened state of mental aggravation can be lessened, without
drugs, as has been known for fifteen million years, by a simple reversal of the lumbar subluxation?

DOCTOR:
Blow me.

DEFENDANT:
EXCUSE MEEEE … ?

DOCTOR:
Subdue the patient, please …

DEFENDANT:
“BLOWME”???

DOCTOR:
Oh, is it mad because it didn't get into medical school… ? Subdue the patient please.

DEFENDANT:
Excuse me … ? Excuse me … ? Excuse me … ?

(The
DEFENDANT
crawls up over the bench and begins strangling the
DOCTOR.)

DEFENDANT:
Well, how about that? How about that, huh? Does that feel good … ?

DOCTOR:
O
W.
O
W OW OW
…
(Et cetera)

DEFENDANT:
H
OW
about that, huh? Is that as much fun as pimping for the insurance companies?

DOCTOR:
Help …

DEFENDANT:
Huh? Huh? And selling your soul for an ashtray?

DOCTOR:
Help …

DEFENDANT:
With some drug company's name on it… ?

JUDGE:
Where's my gavel… ?

DOCTOR:
Help, help …

JUDGE:
… where's my fucking gavel… ?

DEFENDANT:
Didn't teach you
this
in medical school,
did
they?
(Kicks
DOCTOR)

DOCTOR:
Help …

DEFENDANT:
… when they gave you that stupid white coat…
(Pause)

B
ERNARD:
Wait a ssss…
(Appeals to
JUDGE)
Your Honor … ?

JUDGE:
They took my fucking gavel…

DEFENDANT:
Cure
cancer
you arrogant
fuck

JUDGE:
What?

B
ERNARD:
The note said “I want to lick you all over. Bunny” ?

JUDGE:
Yes.

(BERNARD
begins weeping.)

JUDGE:
What?

B
ERNARD:
That is the note … that is the note I wrote him, after our First Date.
(To
PROSECUTOR)
Y
OU
kept
it… ?

PROSECUTOR:
I've carried it. All this time. In my pocket.

BERNARD
:
No …

PROSECUTOR:
(Starting to cry)
Yes … B
ERNARD:
All this
time}
PROSECUTOR:
That's right. B
ERNARD:
Oh, I've been SO wrong …
PROSECUTOR:
Bunny … B
ERNARD:
Can you
forgive
me … ?

PROSECUTOR:
Bunny, in many ways, it's I, who should beg
your
forgiveness …

BERNARD
:
No, no …

PROSECUTOR:
If I'd been more
attentive …

B
ERNARD:
No, no, you have your work. I
see
that, now.

PROSECUTOR:
But, Bunny. But, but I lost a sense
oi balance.

BERNARD
:
No, no, no, no, no …

PROSECUTOR:
Which is essential for any ongoing relationship.

{He weeps. They embrace.)

JUDGE:
Y
OU
see? This,
this
is what I live for. This is my dream. This is the dream of a Young Jurist. Not the “bribes,” yes, yes, we “take” them, but what do we live for? The, the, uh, uh …

PROSECUTOR:
I want to wipe the slate clean, Bunny, and begin again.

B
ERNARD:
…shhh …

PROSECUTOR:
But I
can't
with this on my soul.

B
ERNARD:
Tell me, and be forgiven,
(PROSECUTOR
whispers

tO
BERNARD.)
IkfieW.

PROSECUTOR:
What?

B
ERNARD:
I knew
ALL THE TIME …

BAILIFF:
…
What? {Pause)

PROSECUTOR:
Oh Bunny, how could I deserve you, you …

(They weep.)

DOCTOR:
7 want to confess …
I
want to confess …

PROSECUTOR:
Oh, Bunny …

DOCTOR:
Once, with a female patient…

DEFENDANT:
I
want to confess … I'm
guilty … guilty
do you hear … ? Your Honor, I'm guilty as charged.