Romance (3 page)

DEFENDANT:
I
S
it elm to which Your Honor is allergic?

JUDGE:
D
O
they have “pollen” ? I suppose they'd have to, as they're “trees.” They're “trees,” right, Jimmy? They're “trees” ? Right,
“elm trees.”

BAILIFF:
Your Honor?

JUDGE:
Well, they say tomatoes are a fruit.

PROSECUTOR:
Might we, with respect to the court, confine and limit our attention to the …

JUDGE:
Quite quite right. I beg your pardon.

PROSECUTOR:
I will be brief.

JUDGE:
It stuck in my mind, because I have an allergy to Pollen.

PROSECUTOR:
I …

JUDGE:
I'm not feeling well, and, in fact, I think I'd like to call a recess.

PROSECUTOR:
One moment, Your Honor, please, is all I ask.

JUDGE:
Is
there, urn, pollen, in the elm?

PROSECUTOR:
I don't know, Your Honor.

JUDGE:
Or is that just a thing we associate with “bees.”
(Pause)

PROSECUTOR:
(TO
DEFENDANT)
I ask you to turn your attention to this document, and to identify it for me, please.
(Pause)
Would you identify it for me, please? Is this your agenda? For the year in question?

DEFENDANT:
Yes.

PROSECUTOR:
It is your name.

DEFENDANT:
Yes.

PROSECUTOR:
I
S
this your
handwriting? (Pause)

DEFENDANT:
I …

PROSECUTOR:
Who is the person in the hotel?

DEFENDANT:
I …

PROSECUTOR:
I
S
it “B” ?

DEFENDANT:
I didn't…

PROSECUTOR:
I
S
that a man's name?

DEFENDANT:
I…

PROSECUTOR:
“B.” Does that stand for the name
oilman:

DEFENDANT:
… I…

PROSECUTOR:
I
S
this your handwriting? Here. Would you look here, please? Here. Would you read that sign, please?
{Pause)
Would you read it please?

DEFENDANT:
It appears to …

PROSECUTOR:
What is your problem? Would you read the sign?

DEFENDANT:
It appears to …
{Pause)

PROSECUTOR:
What is the sign?

DEFENDANT:
I cannot…

PROSECUTOR:
I
S
it the letter “B” ?

DEFENDANT:
It appears to, I…

PROSECUTOR:
What
follows
it?
{Pause)

DEFENDANT:
It is a symbol.

DEFENDANT:
An arrow.

PROSECUTOR:
An arrow. What is it pointing to?

DEFENDANT:
It app …

PROSECUTOR:
Don't tell me what it appears to be. What is it? Is it not the letter “H” ? And are you going to tell me that it is a “ladder” or a “football goal” ? It is the letter “H.” The phrase or ideogram: “B.” Arrow H, or perhaps, Hawaii…

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Objection.

PROSECUTOR:
… or: “B,” to Hawaii. Is that correct?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Objection.

DEFENDANT:
That is your understanding.

PROSECUTOR:
Indeed it is.

(JUDGE
sneezes)

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Gesuti…

PROSECUTOR:
One moment… Indeed it is, and the symbol following?

DEFENDANT:
I …

PROSECUTOR:
A “love heart” ? And: following that?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… Your Honor …

PROSECUTOR:
I
S
it a rabbit?

DEFENDANT:
I…

PROSECUTOR:
I
S
it a rabbit in quotes? Sir …

(JUDGE
begins sneezing again.)

PROSECUTOR:
… with A Happy Face? What is the happy rabbit a symbol of?

DEFENDANT:
I, urn, Your Honor … ?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor, if I might suggest…
(As the
JUDGE
continues sneezing)

DEFENDANT:
I don't think it's a rabbit… Your Honor, I…

JUDGE:
Did I take my pill?

PROSECUTOR:
ARE YOU GOING TO SIT THERE AND TELL ME THAT IS NOT A RABBIT … ? YOU LYING, SICK, PERJURED …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Objection …

JUDGE:
(Sneezing)
Gentlemen, gentlemen, may we not have peace?

DEFENDANT:
I, I, I…

PROSECUTOR:
Are you going to tell me that is not a
rabbit}

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Objection, objection, objection.

JUDGE:
May we not have Peace?

DEFENDANT:
I, I, I…

PROSECUTOR:
Are you going to tell me that is not a
Rabbit …}

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
It doesn't look like a rabbit to me.

PROSECUTOR:
Not everyone has the equal capacity to draw a rabbit.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
(Of the drawing)
What are those?

PROSECUTOR:
Ears. Those are Ears, those are its Ears, They're Rabbit Ears.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
N
O
one could draw a rabbit that inexpertly, Your Honor … ?

JUDGE:
Achoo.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
N
O
one, no one …

PROSECUTOR:
Not everyone, Your Honor, has the God-given ability to draw a rabbit.

JUDGE:
Achoo.

PROSECUTOR:
I can and will present a cavalcade of Expert Witnesses …

JUDGE:
I don't think my prescription is working …

PROSECUTOR:
Your Honor, one moment.

JUDGE:
ACHOO ACHOO ACHOO.

PROSECUTOR:
Expert witnesses, who Cannot Draw a Rabbit.

JUDGE:
Ah, shit, I think I'm going to have to Lay Down.

End of Scene One.

SCENE TWO

Small conference room. The
DEFENDANT
and the
DEFENSE ATTORNEY.
Pause.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Well, you know, it looked like a fucken rabbit to
me.
I asked you. Didn't I ask you? Not To Get Up On The Stand? Did I ask you that?

DEFENDANT:
I …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
It looked like a fucken rabbit to Me.

DEFENDANT:
What if I was not there?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Ah hell, where?

DEFENDANT:
In Hawaii.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
I don't know anymore.

DEFENDANT:
Well, I'm paying you to know. So just…

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
You're paying me to give you my advice. And my advice was not to get up on the stand, you
got
up …

DEFENDANT:
Yes, I got up on the stand …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Y
OU
got up there, and made a fool, not only of yourself, but…

DEFENDANT:
I got up on the stand, because, because I feel…

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
And then he asked you about the Rabbit. “What were you doing in Hawaii with a Happy Rabbit?”

DEFENDANT:
What if I was not there?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Were you there?

DEFENDANT:
Would you follow me please?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
If you were not there. One would be hard-pressed to account for the Rabbit and all. “B,” Arrow, Love Heart, to Hawaii, Rabbit. If you were not there. Anyone “reading” them. Would ask you. If you were not there, would ask for your “story.”

DEFENDANT:
For My Story.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Yes.

DEFENDANT:
But.
{Pause)
But would you … yes, I know, I understand … But. As an “exercise.”

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… we have so little …

DEFENDANT:
Please. As a, as, as a
hypothetical Instance.
Please. In which, all right. All right?
(Pause)

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
All right.

DEFENDANT:
In which the facts seemed to be.
Seemed
to be …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
D
O
you know, and now, he calls a
recess.
And I'm never going to be able to get home …

DEFENDANT:
I …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… with the parade.

DEFENDANT:
The point.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
The point. The point is not…

DEFENDANT:
… please …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
May I finish: the point is not what you ad …

DEFENDANT:
… I understand.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
What you
admit.

DEFENDANT:
I understand that.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
But…

DEFENDANT:
… I underst…

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
But, please let me, what a reasonable person must infer from the facts.

DEFENDANT:
I understand that.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… if you understand, then I am baffled by…

DEFENDANT:
I'm asking, as a hypothetical instance.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
I, I, I, I feel that I am being remiss in my duties.

DEFENDANT:
A hypothetical instance where …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
We have so little time.

DEFENDANT:
If: if we postulate.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
T
O
indulge in: Listen to me:

DEFENDANT:
I …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
T
O
indulge in. Please, all right, I know, believe me, No, I
realize
that, to you, much of the proceedings must seem, they must seem to you
arbitrary
, and …

(BAILIFF
enters with a newspaper)

BAILIFF:
Y
OU
fellas want lunch?

DEFENDANT:
If we posit a hypothetical instance where …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Y
OU
were in Hawaii. November Tenth, of last year. B arrow, love heart, Hawaii, Laughing Rabbit. You were there. How in
the fuck are
you not going to have been there?

DEFENDANT:
By providing an alternative.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
T
O
where you were?

DEFENDANT:
T
O
, to a way of “looking” at it.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
All right, then, after the Mumbo Jumbo, what is the alternative?

DEFENDANT:
My understanding is, at that point, that is
your
job.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
And my job is?

DEFENDANT:
T
O
, to frame an alternative … to present to the Judge …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
A
Lie
… ?
(Pause) A LIE?

BAILIFF:
Anybody want to see the paper?

DEFENDANT:
Oh, Lord, Oh Lord, now I
am
in trouble … now I am, truly, truly fucked. Oh, God, oh, God … You don't want to
lie:

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
If you would let me do my job …

DEFENDANT:
Why did you
go to
Law
School? If you don't want to
Lie}

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
(Pause)
I…

BAILIFF:
(Looking at the paper)
Big doings at the peace conference …

DEFENDANT:
You're fired.
(Pause)

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
I fear you don't understand.

DEFENDANT:
You're fff…

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Can you suppose that another representation would be more to your taste?

DEFENDANT:
I don't know.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Well, I
do
know. YOU'RE
GUILTY.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

DEFENDANT:
I AM NOT GUILTY UNTIL A DULY CONSTITUTED COURT …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
What BULLSHIT. WHAT UTTER CRAP. YOU MAKE ME SICK. YOU MAKE ME ASHAMED. I'M FILLED WITH CONTEMPT, WITH,
FUCK
CONTEMPT, WITH LOATHING, AND YOU SIT UP THERE, GUILTY AS SIN, CRIMINAL, SICK, PERVERTED, AND I'M…